Episode Three, Part 6:
Never Let Me Go

This is the way you left me, I'm not pretending. 
No hope, no love, no glory. No happy ending. 

It was early in the morning and Sol was in the Quarters. It was still dark so there was a candle burning beside her at the desk, but the low light was causing her already pounding headache to grow. 

There was a knock on her door and she turned around on her chair, hoping by chance that it was Wynn, but it wasn't. Dreea was hovering in the doorway, waiting to be invited in before she made her way over to Sol. 

"Hey," she breathed, pulling up a seat opposite her. "How are you doing with everything?" 

Sol sighed, leaning back in her chair. She glanced over all the notes in her book, but she still worried that she hadn't done enough. 

"I must have forgotten how much there was to organise," she admitted, then, becoming more serious. "I just want to make it as- as perfect as I can. For them, you know?" 

Dreea nodded. "Has Kodiak managed to come by yet?" 

"No," Sol shook her head regretfully.  "He hasn't left Elara's side once since they got back." 

"Did she forgive him for knocking her out?" Dreea asked lightheartedly, trying to cling onto the good moments they had to focus on. 

Sol laughed a little, but the humour didn't last. "Yeah, they're fine. I think she knew deep down that he was right: if he didn't do it, she would have tried to get away again, and who knows how that could have turned out." 

Dreea hummed in agreement, not wanting to think about the possibilities that could have led to.  When she glanced back up at Sol, she could see a resentment flash over her face - her teeth gritting together like she was at war with herself. 

"You okay, Riv?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah... I'm fine," Sol dismissed her worries, turning her attention back to the paper in front of her. 

"No, you're not," Dreea corrected her. "Talk to me." 

Sol dropped the pen out of her hand, throwing it bitterly against the desk. A heavy sigh escaped her and she found it hard to look up at her friend as she confessed. 

"I feel like... I feel like what happened is my responsibility. And I mean that it's because of me."

"What?" Dreea asked, trying to figure out if she was serious. "River, why would you think that?" 

"Because I insisted on making a plan!" Sol reminded her. "You know what you said - that I was willing to risk everything-" 

"Yes, for Wynn," Dreea clarified, making sure Sol knew that she didn't think she was just willing to jeopardise everything without a reason. 

"Yeah, and look where that got me," Sol spat at herself, shaking her head at what she had done. "If I just listened to you-" 

"Enough, Riverly," Dreea cut her off, refusing to hear anymore. "I won't let you blame yourself for what happened out there. It was no one's fault, especially not yours. Something tragic happened, but not because of anyone. It just happened." 

Sol looked up at her friend. She wanted to believe her, but she just didn't know if she could. 

"None of that even matters. What does is that we need to be there for the family Ares left behind. We all heard those things he said on the radio, even his siblings..." She reminded her. "Ares said his goodbye, we need to focus on letting them say theirs... And you saying yours." 

Sol softened at her words, glancing over to the names she had wrote down on the list. There were several people along with Ares that Basilisk were saying farewell to at the burning ritual, one of them being Jonas. 

For a moment, Sol felt guilty that she had ever allowed herself to not be a wreck over his death, but she was so used to grief by now that she was able to hold it in well. Still, with everything that had happened, she didn't want to bury herself too deep in her feelings. She needed to distract herself until the pain had lessened. 

"Any word on where Bas is?" She asked, worried that he was unaccounted for when they returned to Basilisk. 

"Yeah, actually," Dreea chuckled, a genuine smile appearing on her face. Sol was intrigued, trying to find any possibility where the answer could provoke that sort of reaction from her. 

"You'll never believe it, but Elara knocked him out. Like, seriously, with a rock and all." 

Sol sat up a little, not sure whether she was impressed or concerned. 

"I have a lot of questions..." She mumbled, finding that she was beginning to smile herself. 

"I know, so did I," Dreea replied. "Bas was trying to take her back here, and she wanted to go with her brothers to find..." The Sovereign sighed, avoiding having to say it again. "Anyway, apparently she hit him over the head with a rock then dragged him into a bush so Targo wouldn't find him."  

"I guess I haven't been giving her enough credit," Sol laughed, feeling a wave of relief wash over her. "Does... Does Bas know? He wasn't too hard on her, was he?" 

"Yeah, he knows," Dreea nodded. "He stumbled home about an hour ago, ready to complain to her brothers about what he did. But I told him and he understands, you know? He's lost two sisters himself, so he said he won't even mention it. Admittedly, he's a little impressed that she managed to do that." 

Sol smiled again, and like Dreea, tried to cling onto whatever ounce of happiness she could find. Her eyes lingered back over the paper, scanning all the names of the people they had lost, trying to find something amid their deaths - something in their life that outweighed whatever absence they left behind. 

She saw Jonas in her mind, and it wasn't when they brought his body into the Quarters. She saw him in Atlantis' bunker with Noah, happy, safe, complete. That was how she would remember him. 

///// 

Trying to find the courage to face the first day without their brother was the hardest thing Wynn, Quill and Elara had ever had to do. 

Quill and Elara both had the relief in the first few seconds of the day of not remembering what had happened. They got to have those few moments without a heart burning in agony, but not Wynn. He hadn't even tried to fall asleep because he knew he wouldn't be able to. 

The rational part of him wanted to find them both and stay in their company until he felt even the slightest bit better, but the truth was that he couldn't face either of them. He couldn't bear to see his sister and recognise all of the ways she looked alike to Ares, or to have Quill looking up at him in the same way he used to look at Ares, to know that he was supposed to be that person for him now. 

He was the big brother now. They were depending on him to look after them just like Ares had said, but Wynn wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to be the oldest. He wasn't ready to have no one to lean on. He wasn't ready to face the world without his big brother. 

Knowing that Kodiak was with his sister, and Aeryn was no doubt taking care of Quill, Wynn had found himself down in the far corner of the camp, leaning up against the shed that the four of them had been sitting upon only days ago. 

He needed to be completely alone, and he knew that even the hideout where he went with Sol wasn't somewhere he could go. No one would know to look for him down here; it was perfect. He could break down and let everything out and there was no one there to see him cry. 

Wynn thought the thing he wanted the most in the world was to be alone, but it wasn't. It was the furthest thing from the truth that his shattered heart could find. The one thing he desired more than anything was the one thing he could never have again: Ares. 

Three // Part Six
He wasn't ready to be the oldest, to have no one to lean on, to face the world without his big brother.

18/04/20