A/N + TW: This chapter has strong descriptions of self harm and may be upsetting and triggering for some people to read. If you are sensitive to topics of self harm, suicide, and violence, please proceed with caution or skip to the break in the chapter (marked by the use of '//////////'). I will also provide some links here for resources if you find yourself struggling with these issues. ♡ 

Episode Four, Part 4:
Darkness Keeps Chasing Me

'Cause every now and then, the darkness 
tries to chase me. And my legs are getting
tired of running. I don't want to give up
that easily. Please don't let it get to me.  

Elara took an involuntary step back, staying just within reach of Sol. She couldn't quite comprehend what she had been asked. It was one thing for Tobias to aim the question at Sol - the fearless Noble Sovereign of Basilisk who would clearly go to great extents to keep her people safe, but Elara - even after all she faced on the ground - wasn't immune to the terrors of taking a life. The only person she had ever killed was Rhea and as victorious as that made her feel sometimes, there was still a moment of it that haunted her, even now - months later.

"Go the hell, Tobias."

She hoped her words were enough to convince him to back off, but instead, Tobias just laughed. Something about it felt extremely cruel to Elara and she couldn't quite bring herself to ignore the brutal misery inside of her chest. She was never going to win, was she?

"You'll have to kill me," he pushed. "Do it, Elara. You want this, I can see it. Do it for yourself. For Sovereign Kodiak. For Isobel-"

Before Elara even had a chance to reprimand him for once again trying to pin her family against her, Sol lunged forward and heaved her foot into Tobias' stomach, pushing him harshly to the ground behind.

"I might not give you the pleasure of killing you, but I sure as hell will make this hurt," Sol warned, overcome by her fierce need to defend Elara. "You'll just wish you were dead for another reason."

"Stop teasing me and get this over with," Tobias said, staggering to his feet and beginning to approach them both, his gun still in his possession.

Even though Sol knew the only person Tobias wanted dead was himself, she couldn't help her instincts from getting in the way as he crept closer, leaning forwards and slashing her blade into him, trying to keep him as far away from Elara as she could. After all, he had hurt her family too many times to count, and she wasn't prepared to let him do so again.

Tobias involuntarily winced at Sol's attack, but the pain seemed enjoyable to him and what was first a look of agony changed to a distant, unrecognisable grin. "Good," he huffed. "Another. Keep going, Sovereign."

No matter what Sol did - whether she hurt him or not, there was no resolve to her feelings; no way she could win. To make matters worse, both hers and Elara's clothes were now stained in his blood; it wasn't an awful amount, but it was enough to feel uncomfortable, especially with some of it having made it's way onto their faces.

"Please, dammit!" Tobias raised his voice. "I need this! I need you to finish me!" In his desperation to die, Tobias glanced down and noticed that his free hand was instinctively clutching onto the wound on his stomach, immediately pulling it away from himself. He didn't believe that the injury Sol had given him was enough for him to bleed out from, but in his eyes, every little would help...

"Ell, do you think you can make your way back from here?" Sol asked, trying to whisper over her shoulder to Tobias didn't overhear, but somehow, he caught onto what she had said.

"She's not going anywhere," Tobias said, suddenly raising his gun and pointing it towards Elara.

Sol scowled at him, completely covering Elara with her body and wrapping one of her arms around her, keeping the younger girl pressed into her back for good measure. She realised then that she couldn't get Elara to safety without making a decision about Tobias; either she killed him and eliminated their danger completely - which would also mean she would lose any opportunity and finding answers to Hestia, or she could wait him out and hope that she would be able to talk him out of his suicidal desires just long enough to secure the information she needed.

"I told you I don't want to hurt you, and I mean it," he said. "But I need you to kill me. Why the hell is that so hard for you? Just take the gun!" He began moving closer to them again and Sol was conflicted between keeping Tobias away from them, and making sure Elara was completely covered. It was impossible to do both. Without much of a choice, she used her feet again - trying to kick him away from her, but Tobias was able to dodge all of her attempts.

"Please," Tobias begged. "Please," again, his voice breaking this time. "I cannot stay in this world without Ivy for another minute. Surely you understand... Right, Elara? Didn't you want it all to end when you believed you had lost Sovereign Kodiak?"

Elara shook her hear furiously behind Sol, trying to block out Tobias' words, but they kept creeping in. She never again wanted to remember what it had been like to believe that Kodiak was dead; that she would never see him again. The only reason she hadn't erased that part of her life from her memory completely was because of Izzy, but that didn't mean that it wasn't still excruciating to face.

"Shut up," she said, her voice barely able to be heard over Tobias' heavy panting and the cracks of dried leaves under his feet as he dawned closer. Was it that obvious that he was right? That only a few weeks ago, she was in the same position as him, only holding a blade to herself as she stood in Neptunum's mess hall, believing that the world was slowly taking from her everyone she loved? It wasn't a time she ever wanted to think back to, nor was it a version of herself she ever wanted to know again, but Tobias was making it impossible for her to think anything differently.

"Take the gun, Elara. Please. Shoot me like they shot you."

In a quick movement, Tobias leaned around Sol and tried to force his weapon into Elara's hold, but her trembling hands were unable to secure it and subsequently, it fell to the ground in front of them.

Elara felt her throat constrict and a sudden lack of oxygen in her lungs as she stared down at the gun, unable to steer her mind away from all of the horrors that felt only days behind her. She thought she had made it past this. She thought that when she had taken the gun in the forest to protect Kodiak that it meant she was better; that the fear was gone; that all of those haunting memories had completely lost their power over her. But if that was the case, why was she shaking without any control over herself? Why were her cheeks damp with what she could only assume to be scalding, unforgiving tears spilling from her eyes? Why was she still afraid?

"Please-"

"Okay!" Sol yelled, now willing to say anything to get the ordeal over with; so she could make sure Elara was okay. "Damn it, I'll even put you in your grave if it'll mean you leave her alone," she said, carefully pushing Elara further behind her and creating a distance between them both as she began to move closer to Tobias. "Just tell me where Hestia is. One answer, and I swear I'll put that bullet through your skull like you want me to."

Tobias shook his head, gritting his teeth at the same time, and took a moment before meeting Sol's gaze. "No," he said. "And you know why. So stop asking and kill me already, like you said you would."

Sol chewed ferociously on her lower lip, discreetly spinning her blade at her side as she tried to figure out what to do - if finding out where Hestia was being kept was really worth dragging this out, or if it was better to kill Tobias now and deal with the consequences later, even if those consequences were nothing but a lack of answers...

"The last thing I'll ever do, and I have to do it myself," Tobias muttered, carelessly waving his gun around as he began to pace, before finally turning the weapon on himself. "Is this where they did it?" He wondered, earning a puzzled expression from Sol who could barely comprehend what he was asking until Tobias repeated his question - clearly impatient as he called out for Elara's attention.

She looked over slowly, almost as if she was drifting in and out of alertness, and met Tobias with wide, red eyes.

"This is where they shot you, correct? Right here and it killed you, almost instantly from what you told me... This is all it would take," he pushed the gun into the side of his stomach, trying to recall if he still remembered where he had aimed his weapon when he had her in his hold at the fight-off for the combination. "And it won't hurt because it'll be over before I know it, and I'll be with Ivy like you were with your brother. Just one, single bullet here and everything is gone... Everything is gone..."

Elara's mouth fell agape in an attempt to catch a breath, but she couldn't get a decent gulp of air in to keep her steady. At the sound of the gun firing, Elara's hands involuntarily clutched over her healing wound as if the blood that was once again splattered over her and Sol, was the same blood that she was sure she could feel spilling out from her. Her knees caved below her and she collapsed to the ground with a heavy thud, unable to find any strength that could keep her standing.

Sol immediately fell by her side once she was certain that Tobias was dead, cupping her hands on Elara's face and tilting her head to face her, but Elara's eyes wouldn't meet hers.

"Ell?" She asked, hoping to coax her back into reality with her voice, but the young girl was trapped in an ever-revolving game of tragedies and narrow escapes. "Elara, you're okay, see? It's not your blood. You're okay," she promised, resting one of her hands over where Elara's were to prove there was no blood pouring form her, but to no avail. Sol didn't even know if she could hear anything she was saying - if the state of shock Elara had suddenly fell into was too consuming for the rest of the world to still exist to her, but she had to try.

"Everything's going to be okay. Just focus on my voice. I'll get you home."

//////////

Sol held Elara tightly in her arms as she helped her walk through the forest, keeping her wrapped up warm in her bloodied, red jacket which seemed to be helping with her nervous shivering.

Finally, the beach appeared in sight and Sol was anxious to pull Elara through, only a few seconds passing before their arrival was noticed by the others.

Immediately, Wynn, Quill and Kodiak were among the first to run over towards them - with Fenn tagging along behind - their pace soon picking up once they noticed the heavy splatters of blood covering both girls.

"Ell? Riv? What happened?" Kodiak panicked, instinctively setting his hands on Elara's arms and trying to meet her gaze, but she barely seemed to register that he was there. "Are you guys okay? Elara, are you hurt?"

"It's not her blood," Sol breathed out, suddenly hit by her own exhaustion as she grabbed onto Wynn's arm to steady herself, trying to alleviate their fears before they assumed the worst. "She's not hurt-"

"Ell?"

Everyone's attention was suddenly drawn to a terrified voice murmuring from behind them, desperate for someone to tell her that she wasn't seeing things clearly and that Elara wasn't really covered head-to-toe in blood. 

Before anyone could react, Izzy had pushed her way forward and was hugging tightly onto Elara, not knowing what to do to help, but believing that her arms wrapped around her would be enough to drive away all the darkness inside of her just like it always happened when Elara did the same for her. 

Quill was quick to take hold of Izzy and regretfully pry her off of his sister, sensing that whatever had happened to her wasn't something she wanted to expose Izzy to. He tried to pull her away from the group but she persisted and her determination was enough to challenge all of Quill's attempts.

At the sound of her voice, Elara seemed to break out of her trance just enough to process where she was and who was standing in front of her. She overlapped her hands weakly over Kodiak's, trying to look up at him but the involuntary tears pooling in her eyes made it difficult to see him.

"Go..." She said, attempting to push Kodiak away, but he wouldn't let go of her.

"Ell-"

"Izzy... Away..."

Kodiak frowned, looking over at Sol to try and make sense of what she was trying to tell him or at the very least, figure out what the hell had happened to send her into a state of shock.

"She wants you to go and stay with Izzy and keep her away for a while. Make sure she's alright," Sol told him. "She's scared; she thinks Elara's hurt."

"I need to make sure you're okay," Kodiak insisted, squeezing a little tighter onto Elara and trying to convince her to allow him to take care of her, but she wouldn't budge.

"With Izzy... Please."

Kodiak was clearly torn between his need to protect Elara and his newfound responsibility for Izzy - both of whom he wanted to be with, but he couldn't.

"It's okay, we've got her," Sol assured him, nodding her promise as she encouraged Kodiak to leave.

He hesitated for a moment, trying not to hate himself for his decision, and let go of Elara. He took hold of Izzy who was still struggling against Quill, scooping her up in his arms and carrying her away from the group, taking the young girl to the edge of the water and trying to talk her down from all of her fears.

Elara seemed to relax a little knowing that Izzy was safe with Kodiak, but not enough for her to make a complete return to reality. Taking over for the Sovereign, Quill grabbed onto Elara and guided her to the nearest log, helping her to sit down and catch her breath beside Sol.

"Neither of you are hurt?" Wynn needed clarification as he crouched down in front of Sol, setting his hand on top of her knee, aching as he watched her let out a heavy breath, evidently affected from whatever they had experienced in the forest.

"No, but she's in shock," Sol answered, finding relief in the knowledge that Fenn was with Quill in front of Elara, doing everything he knew how to coax her back into the world calmly.

"What the hell happened out there? Kodiak came back with Izzy and thought you guys were right behind him. He said you were talking..."

"Don't worry, we didn't do this to each other," Sol mumbled, managing a faint laugh at herself - her joke enough to reassure Wynn that she was fine.

"That's good to hear," he said. "It would be a little awkward if you two turned on each other now."

He glanced over at his sister, hoping to see that she was recovering as quickly as Sol seemed to be, but she was still struggling.

"Hey River, can you tell me how she got this blood on her? Is it why she's so startled?" Fenn asked.

"...Tobias," Sol answered, taking in Elara's response to see if his name triggered her.

"What did he do?" Wynn asked, the frustration noticeable enough in his tone of voice - the anger on his face only intensifying it.

"He's dead," she said. "It's his blood on us, not ours. He killed himself."

Wynn looked over at Quill, sharing a breath of relief with him over the news, but neither of them could figure out why their sister was so traumatised. If anyone should have been glad that Tobias was dead, it was Elara.

"Ell, that's good," Quill said, trying to get her attention. "He's gone. You're gonna be okay."

"He taunted her," Sol confessed, hating to take away their relief at Tobias' death, but she knew they needed to understand what had happened. "I tried to get answers about his ship, but he wouldn't give it to me. He asked us to kill him and brought out a gun, and..." Her voice softened, struggling to say what she needed to when she knew it would hurt them all so badly. "He started asking Elara about what happened to her on Neptunum... Trying to get us to kill him the same way that-" The Sovereign dropped her head, unable to finish the rest of her sentence but thankfully, the others knew what she was trying to say.

"It should feel like a relief that he's gone," Wynn said, "and that he can't hurt our family any more, but it doesn't feel like enough revenge. Even in death, he managed to take one, final swing at us."

"I know," Sol whispered, setting her hand on his. "You're not the only one who hates him, but... I think he was completely out of his mind back there. That wasn't the Tobias I knew."

Wynn scoffed, trying not to misplace his anger in Sol. "Well, it sounds a lot like the Tobias I knew..."

At the sound of Wynn in torment, Elara found the strength to snap herself back into focus, desperate to ease their concern. "I'm fine," she murmured, gradually looking up to meet his worried eyes.

Wynn let out a deep breath, as did everyone else, smiling warmly at Elara as he reached out to her and squeezed onto her arm.

"Yeah, everything's okay," he promised her. "You're safe now. Just take it easy."

As Fenn stepped away from Elara's side, Quill took the opportunity to sit beside her on the log, slinging one of his arms around her shoulder. She leaned against him and found it easier to breathe in his company, slowly scanning her eyes along the beach in search for the others.

"Where are Kodiak and Izzy?" She asked, her speech somewhat slow.

"Over there, by the shore," Quill pointed them out, alerting Elara to where they were sitting at the water's edge - Izzy seeming to listen intently to what Kodiak was saying - his gaze already focused on Elara as if he had never once taken his eyes from her.

"Izzy saw me..." She said. "The blood. She thought I was hurt."

There was a heavy disappointment in her voice - one that was impossible to shrug off or be disguised as something else. To everyone else, it sounded as though she was blaming herself for what had happened out in the forest, as though she should have been able to do a better job at concealing her fear from her child, despite the wounds from her trauma constantly being reopened before they even had a chance to heal.

"She's fine, see? Kodiak's taking care of her," Quill said.

But Elara sighed, unable to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach.

"Elara..." Wynn said, hesitant to approach the subject at such a time, but he knew that if he didn't say something, Elara would continue finding ways to put it off. "Maybe it's time you told Izzy about Neptunum," he said. "About what happened to you-"

"Bad idea," Elara shook her head. "She'd be terrified-"

"She's been terrified before and what has she shown us?" He asked. "That she's stronger than we give her credit for. And she can face anything with you and Kodiak by her side."

Elara huffed and looked away from him, retreating her gaze down to her hands as she began scratching some of the dried blood off from her skin. She knew he was right, but that didn't make her any more inclined to wanting to tell Izzy the truth about what the world was like; how it always seemed to be the most cruel to the people you loved the most. 

"You know she knows something happened to you on Neptunum," Wynn pointed out. "And her not being able to figure out what is only making her more afraid. The only thing she's figured out is that you were hurt... When she realises that you-"

"That I was killed - it's going to freak her out. She'll never feel safe when I leave her side," she cut him off.

"I was going to say, 'she'll realise what you survived and she won't worry quite as much'. Nothing will ever be too much for you to face, in her eyes. You're already a hero to her, but this will make you invincible. Just talk to her, Ell. She loves you. She just needs to know you're going to be okay. She needs you to tell her that you're not going away." 

Four // Part Four
The wounds from her trauma were constantly being reopened before they even had a chance to heal.

That was a heavy chapter... I had a lot of ideas about Tobias' character and what his conclusion was going to be - all of which changed constantly as I was writing him. My original idea of him was this preheated, peaceful man (which I believe he was at the start), but when the pressure started rising and the people he tried to protect were out of his control, his response to everything became something I hadn't expected. Again - as I say often - these characters write themselves more often than not, and my original ideas for them end up changing and becoming something else entirely. He was definitely an interesting experience for me to write a morally grey character and although I liked him at the start, I really started to despise him towards the end of Season 9 (when he tried to keep Izzy away from Elara and Kodiak). What did you think about him? Did you like his character, or are you glad he's gone? Either way, he's certainly left a frustrating situation for our Sovereigns (not to mention the added trauma for Elara (can't our girl get a break?!)).

In other news, I had a scary doctors visit this week... My spine has started to grow extra bone (???) and a few of my discs are degenerating from a traumatic spine injury I had when I was 12!- which is terrifying. I'm having treatment which I'm hoping will work because I don't even want to think about having surgery again, but some of the treatment includes my doctor snapping my neck and back to the point where you can literally hear it click. Have you ever watched those videos were someone is sitting down and a doctor holds their neck and all of a sudden twists in and you can hear multiple cracks? Because yeah, that's it... I can't even watch those videos without wanting to throw up, and now I have to let someone do that to me (UGH)! Anyway, prayers would be greatly appreciated because the pain has been quite severe and it's been really heavy on my mind to deal with this. Oh, and I'm also trying to go gluten free to help with healing and let me tell you, being vegan AND gluten free isn't easy!

I have a sweet chapter next which I'm really looking forward to getting out and I hope you'll enjoy it as much I'm going to! Can you believe we're already halfway through the final book in The Boy from the Bunker series? NO THANK YOU!!!

Mr. Froylan Gutierrez III, if you're reading this, I freaking love you, dude.

06/08/21.