The ocean waves frothed around the sand. The wind blew gently in my hair. This was nice. I could breathe again. Nikhil was beside me. "Why the beach?" I asked him. But I was so glad that it is the beach, though. Though we drove like an hour to reach here.

"Just... I feel like the sea is the best way to cheer anyone up. Like you can't see this and be sad..." He indicated the sea. True.

He looked at me for some time, maybe trying to figure out if I am still sad or felt better. "Hm.. you want to go in?" He asked, indicating the waves. "Let's go in," he added.

He took off his footwear and rolled up his jeans. I followed. And then he held out his hand, with a kind of naughty, but confident smile. I raised an eyebrow at him, but he did not let his hand down. I remembered how easily he slid his hand to mine while he took me to the bike. When did we go to the holding hands base??

He was waiting. Hopefully... Now, kind of nervously. And again, nervous Nikhil is too cute to decline. I slid my left hand to his. There was a very triumphant look on his face.

We walked on the beach, with the waves gently caressing our feet, his hand still linked with mine, and I was getting accustomed to the warmth of his hand. His hand was only a bit larger than mine. They were smooth and soft enough. His hands were kind of pretty. And the way he held my hand was nice, it was with the right pressure. Not that I had anything or anyone else to compare it with. The point is that I did not dislike this.

I hesitated for a while before bringing it up. "Hm...Can I ask what happened?"

She was silent. "You don't want to talk about it?" Still silent. So I left her at that. I did not want to press the issue and break this moment. We were holding hands. I did not want to do anything that will stop her from wanting to hold my hand.

My mobile buzzed. I took it out of my pocket with my other hand. It was Adwaith. Shit... I switched my mobile off and put it back in my pocket before Arya could notice. As I said, I don't want anything to break the moment. Also, I don't want the added distraction and burdening thoughts of the responsibilities I just broke.

And by Arya's expression, I could see that she was feeling better. I smiled. But I was curious though, about what was bothering her. I have always thought of Arya was invincible. The fact that she may have cried was shattering my heart.

Somehow I kind of felt that Shruthi could be a reason for Arya's off mood. Why else would she say she did not want to be in college? That means her current mood is related to something or someone in the college. And I already heard that Shruthi speaks shit about her.

"I heard that you and Shruthi were friends," I started. "And that Shruthi is mean to you afterwards,"

She shrugged. "Why did you guys break up?" I asked.

She left my hand and walked up to the sand and sat down. I joined her. She looked at me. "Hm... we were friends only for a while during the first year. But even then we were not like too close or anything. More like something did not match," I nodded. I could get that. It's not like I knew Shruthi too much, but from whatever I knew, I could not understand how she and Arya could ever have been friends. They have so less in common.

"We just happened to sit near each other on the first day of college," Arya was saying. "And ended up talking. But things were always about her, you know..." I nodded. "She was just so..."

-happy.

"Full of herself?" Nikhil prompted.

No. Happy.

She wanted to be happy all the time. She did not have time or patience for other people's dead brothers. When she started talking to me, she had not signed up for any heavy burdening emotions.

Arya had gone silent again. "What went wrong?" I asked.

"Hm..." she hesitated, so I gave her time. "Shruthi's boyfriend Darshan, he was in my school." I nodded.

"When I was friends with Shruthi, once we went to see a movie together, and we ended up bumping into Darshan there. Obviously, he and Shurthi did not know each other then. But he spoke to me. And sat and talked with us for a while."

I mean, Shruthi did most of the talking. In the same way as today, I got mortified to see Darshan all of a sudden.

"I could instantly see how Shurthi was interested in Darshan." I continued. The way she talked and flirted with him was something to watch. But I can understand. He was also very deeply sad at that time. Somehow all Shurthi suddenly cared about was putting his broken pieces together, and supporting him. But I genuinely doubt that she would want to do that if he did not look as attractive as he does.

"After that, Shruthi asked me to help her get closer to Darshan. She wanted me to ask him to hang out with us or get her his phone number" Arya continued, "But I refused to help her. She got angry."

"That's all?"I asked.

"Kind of. Yeah."

"So she wanted to stalk a guy, and you did not help in that, and so she broke the friendship?" What a total psycho.

"No, she believes that I have a crush on Darshan, and that is why I did not help her purposefully. Even if I did how the hell is that any reason? It's ridiculous."

I blinked at her. "Eh... did you?"

"What?" she looked at me, clueless, having forgotten what she just said. "Have a crush on Darshan? No.... I mean, that's not important."

"That's not important?" I felt a pang of jealousy at the thought of Arya having a crush on some guy. I know it may be in the past, but still... When I am trying this hard to get her to like me.

Nikhil was getting uncomfortable. "It is not like that," I said. Still uneasy. "Really," I stressed. And looked back at the sea.

"Okay, fine," Nikhil said, finally believing. "So... that's it? You and Shruthi broke up like that? Over a guy?"

"Yeah. But as I said, we were not really close. Our personality never matched."

"It may have still hurt, right?" Nikhil asked, "I mean, I heard that she talked shit about you."

Hm... it did kind of hurt. But all those things she told others that I am just a selfish 'bitch' and all that...was okay. It did not hurt as much. But one of the things that Shruthi said the most after was that she tried her most to be my friend, that she tried her best. But it was I who was abnormal and too much of a freak that I cannot be around normal people. That she did not want to ruin her mood also by being around someone so gloomy. That was what hurt the most.

Arya looked a bit sad again. "It's okay. You have me now." I took her hand in my hand. She immediately tried to free her hand. I looked at her doubtful. Were we not holding hands before? Is this too much? I shamelessly wanted to take advantage of every chance to hold her hand.

He was holding my right hand. There is that big ugly scar on it. It goes through my palm. Protruded and red. Ugly. I felt very conscious about that, though I should not.

I felt her scar under my palm. So I opened her hand up to look at it. Now I thought that she is being overly conscious. Oh.. so that is why she tried to free her hand. She has an unnecessarily complex about her scar.

"Don't look at it?" She tried to pull her hand away again. I did not let her. I moved my finger over her scar. "This also hurt a lot, right?" I asked.

She shrugged. It kind of hurt to look at that scar. It reminded me of the moment I was so incompetent to let her get hurt. It feels insane how I let that happen to her when now I would rather have taken that stab to my stomach than to let her hand get slashed like this. I consoled myself by thinking that at that time I did not even know Arya... But now if a situation occurs, I will surely protect her.

"Eh...Nikhil?"

"Hm...?"

She pulled her hand back, "it's enough touching for a day." She mumbled, not meeting my eyes. I blushed and look away, "Sorry..."

A few men passed by us and one of them commented, "roaming together to spoil our culture. I wonder if their parents send them to study to roam on beaches and parks." He said in a very very derogatory way. I looked up angrily. They were a couple of local middle-aged fishermen. And smelled a bit of alcohol. Taller and stronger than me. Somehow because of their appearance, my eyes lost anger automatically.

"She is a nice item, boy." He said to my face. I clenched my fist. He took one sleazy look at Arya and then walked away. And all this happened so quick that I snapped back only after he walked away. Then only the horror descended on me. My mouth went dry.

I turned to Arya. Hoping, somehow by a miracle she missed all this. But that is an impossible miracle to wish for. She got up, with zero expression. "Let's go," she said to me.

What? I felt lost. She was up already. So I got up. Arya was not meeting my eyes and looked disturbed. The guys were walking away as if their job is done. I did not know what to do. What would Adwaith have done? Go after the guys and punch them? Yes, he would. And I could not do a thing.

Not a thing!

"Can we leave?" Arya asked me, a bit angry.

"Yeah," I nodded.

It was not pleasant, what happened. If I start dating Nikhil, things like this may happen again, right? People may look at us like we are doing something wrong... What happened today was that I was at a place like a 'beach' with a guy. That just made those guys automatically think that it is okay for them to talk like that about me. Would they have dared to speak that way about me if I was with my parents?

But if we date, we may face this moral police more, maybe in a park, or movie theatre. People will make assumptions and think it is their right to treat us disrespectfully because we 'deserve' that treatment. I again felt sick... Sick and tired of the world around me. It always kept reminding me how difficult it is to live in it.

Nikhil suddenly stopped the bike. I looked around, we were now in the city. "Where is your house?" he asked. And his voice sounded so small. I edged forward to take a better look at his face, I couldn't see because he was wearing a helmet anyway. He avoided my eyes and said, "I will drop you home." Again, small voice. Distress.

I guess the event affected him as well.

I gave him the name of my area. He nodded and drove. Too silent. I gave him directions to my house, and he dropped me in front of it. I was sure my parents will be at work at this time. Or else, I would not have dared to let him drop me in front of my house.

He took off his helmet. "Bye...." He whispered, "See you," His voice was still so small. This was not the confident Nikhil who held my hand.

"Are you okay?" I asked him. He nodded. He avoided my eyes. "Are you crying?" I touched his sleeve. "No," he said and scrubbed his eyes. "Shit!" He looked away. That was so heart-wrenching to me. Nikhil, who was always happy, was distressed to the point of tears.

"Appu," I called, touching his hand.

That just struck like a pin to my heart. Painful...

I looked at her. "Hm?"

"is it because of what happened?" She asked, stepping closer.

I got down from the bike and faced her. I took her hand in my hand, "Eh..." I did not know what to say. "I should have done something."

"No," she said. " 'I' should have."

I looked up at her.

I should have said something to the guys. It happened so quickly that I was unable to say anything. The time and place made me feel small in front of them, I guess. Weaker... vulnerable. Nikhil and I were clearly at a disadvantage. But still, I felt terrible to have not done anything about the situation.

"They talked about me. So I should have. But I did not. I could not say anything at that moment, and that is so infuriating," She looked mad at herself. "So don't worry that you did not. I did not either. If these kinds of Moral Police come up again, let's fight together that time, okay? And forget about this particular event. Today's event did not happen. "

I nodded. I still felt like a loser, though. Her words were not doing anything to make me feel better. But I did not want to show her that.

"Go now..." she said. "I will text you later."

I nodded. "Bye."

I arrived back on campus and parked the bike. I saw the guys immediately near the canteen. Asif nudged Sharan and indicated to me. The three turned to look at me. Their expressions were not friendly. I was in such a bad mood that I felt happy to see my friends. Felt like I can confide in them and get comforted.

But yeah, I did something to disappoint them. So I will have to apologise first. I walked to them.

"Where were you?" Adi's voice had contempt, shocking me a bit.

"Sorry, da... Arya was..."

"Oh, so it's Arya Stark, is it?" Sharan said, cornering me. He was also angry. "I told you, Adi.. it must have been that." He turned to me, "How can you do this, Nikhil?"

All there of them were clearly furious. They were looking at me like I was a traitor. But I needed to have a chance to explain things. "Sorry. She needed me." I said.

"She needed you. That's all?" Adi asked. "And you abandon your duties and go...? I did not expect this from you Nik, but is that how things are done?"

"I know...but, the situation..."

"How selfish can you possibly be, Nikhil..."

"Selfish??" Me? "I told you sorry."

"Sorry is just not done sometimes," Adi yelled at me. "You were assigned simple but important duty. And you ABANDONED IT."

"I know, but you can't just yell at me. I am not your subordinate," I was yelling now. Enough being the weakest in the group. I have my life too. "And I am tired of you guys ordering me around and acting as if I share the responsibility. I am not even in any official posts in the Students' Union."

"How can you say that, da? Do you mean we force you-"

"No, but...I should not get this cornered." I yelled. "I know I left. But there are fifty other people to take up that post, right? What's the big deal?"

"Big deal?" Adi snapped, " The big deal was that Swara Rajan was surrounded by crowds of students and some creep tried to grab her, and she fell and hurt her palm very badly. The big deal was we were humiliated, and our college's reputation is ruined forever in front of Swara Rajan. I thought you would be around so left her unattended. So next time if you plan to take off," He stepped closer looking into my eyes, "at least fucking inform someone."

Oh my god! I froze. I instantly knew I fucked up. Swara ma'am got hurt?? This was serious. I have seriously fucked up. I have got myself in the worst spot with my friends.

"Guys, I had no idea," I started.

"Obviously you have no idea," Sharan said. "Also, what about the events you were supposed to coordinate?" Sharan stepped closer with so much hatred in his eyes. "We had to run around trying to find replacements who did not know shit and messed up anyway," I have never seen my friends this angry.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"You forgot your best friends for a girl you met a month back." Sharan scorned. "Chi... Nikhil, that's pathetic."

"A girl who is not even his official girlfriend," Asif added.

I was already in a lousy mood after what happened at the beach and this just broke me further. Loser – my mind yelled at me. Good for nothing! Traitor.

"Hye, guys... don't say it like that," Adi told Sharan and Asif. "This is not a question of who is more important to him. And in the longer run, she should be more important to him than us. That is the way it should be. What did Arya want anyway?" Adi added to me, a bit calmer, "Was she in some sort of emergency?"

I have no idea. I realized that Arya did not tell me why she was in such a bad mood. I guess in the end, I don't even know why I ended up stabbing my friends in the back unknowingly.

"You okay," Adi touched my shoulder. I pushed his hand off and took his bike key and handed it to him. Everything felt crap. "Can I come back later? After some time."

"Huh? Are you serious right now?" Sharan asked. "What about the rest of the events?"

"Please, Sharan..." I shouted at my wit's end. "can you just leave me alone."

"Nik, da..." Adi put his hand on my shoulder again, "Did something happen?" The fact that he is still kind to me sucked. The fact that Arya called me 'Appu' and said it's fine sucked... Really sucked. I was this useless loser, and everybody still kind of accepted me. That was so not done.

I pushed Adi away. I wanted to cry. But I cannot cry in front of my friends. Or anybody.

I learned my lesson during school days. Guys are not supposed to cry in front of anybody. Hold back your tears.

"I am fine," I told them. "Just give me a moment. An hour or two. I will come back and help you guys after that."

They just nodded, looking confused. I walked away.

I went to the boys' washroom, and took a cabin and cried. Alone... I felt pathetic. I felt pathetic even about my tears. I felt like such a loser and hated myself. I can do nothing and I am crying...

Loser... Loser. My brain kept yelling at me in repeat. It hurt... Everything just closed in on me. I pulled my legs up to the toilet commode and kept crying.

I tried to stop my tears, but they still came. I hated the tears, I hated them.

'Crying like a girl', the words came back to me...

I wanted to hug my amma, but I hated that I was feeling like that. Are you a baby? Poor Nikhil is such a baby? Mamma's boy... Everything me question my manliness and integrity.

I really just wanted to stop being myself. Really hated the way I am. And for some seconds, really even wanted to kill myself.