Chapter 7

The noise of a drill waking you up is not a nice way to wake up. At first, I thought it was coming from the road or some other house, but it was so freaking loud. It was coming from my own house indeed. I rubbed my eyes and walked out of my room.

Francis Chettan, our usual handyman, was in. And he and Achan were in front of Arjun's room. I realised that they were putting a lock outside the door. I blinked at that... "Why are you putting a lock outside?" I asked. (Chettan - Elder brother, bhaiyya)

Achan looked at me; Francis Chettan also. "Arya, go inside?"

"No, why are you putting a lock?"

"Because your mother keeps going in there," Achan said. "It's better this way."

"So? What? You are like going to keep it permanently locked?" I moved to him and stood, folding my hand. "No."

"Arya, go to your room," Achan repeated. His voice was stricter this time.

"Stop the work," I addressed Francis Chettan. But he was looking at me like I am some kind of oddity. I realised I was still in my pyjama and my hair was a mess. I was not supposed to be like this in front of a 30-something Francis Chettan. But I did not care.

"You can't do this." I looked at my father, almost pleading with him. Because whatever he was, he was still my father.

"It's for the better." He said.

"No. I won't allow it."

"Nobody needs to go in there."

"No. I need to go in there. Amma needs to go in there."I stood my ground. "Francis Chetta, leave...just..." He just blinked at me. He will take my father's orders against mine. "Where is Amma... AMMA..." I called out and went to the kitchen to find her. She was sitting down with her head held down. "Are you letting him do this?" I asked her. She silently wiped her tears.

"Amma....?" I called her again.

"Well..."

"He cleared out all his stuff. Now he is sealing the room as well?? It's just a room." I said.

Obviously, nobody listened to me. I walked back to the room. They were already drilling for the latch. "Go freshen up," Achan said. "this is not a state for a girl to be in public." I ignored him and walked out. I did not want to see them seal that room away. I sat outside the house. I could still hear the drill...

I looked at the front yard. Arjun and I used to play here a lot as kids. I wished I can turn the time back to those days.

A while later, Francis Chettan came out of the house and was about to leave. He paused near me. "Don't take it to your heart, Mole. Maybe this is the best way to heal." He told me. I looked up at him angrily. He looked unsettled and then walked away. I wanted to set fire to the whole world and say 'fuck you', and watch and laugh as everyone burns to death suffering. That was the kind of mental state I was in.

But I can't. So I just got up and went back inside the house. Amma was standing looking at the locked door. Achan seemed proud of his work. "You can't just make things like he never existed, you know," I said, to Achan. He looked at me. "He did exist. And he would always be your son and my twin brother." They had no reply.


I ended up being late for college. I was in a bad mood. And hungry. In my anger, I skipped breakfast. And now that I was 20 minutes late, it was better not to attend the first hour.

While walking to the canteen, my mind stayed in the locked room; Amma's tears. Nobody in my house talks about Arjun anymore. Even his name is not uttered. I still felt sick and angry and helpless. Also, that deep-down feeling began to surface. I tried to push it back down.

I ordered a tetra pack chocolate milk drink and waited. These sharp scissors were lying on the counter. I was oddly attracted to it. Its sleek silver blade shimmered in the light.

I felt a presence near me and turned to find Nikhil. "Hey," he said. My mind diverted from the scissors to him. He had always genuine, twinkling eyes smile. How is it possible for someone to smile like this – 100% innocent and as if the problems of the world have never touched him?

It's been a week since I had given Nikhil my phone number and we chat in the evenings regularly. I did not have to regret giving him my phone number. There were no cheesy talks or irritating dominance in his texts. He was always polite and a bit too nervous when talking to me. And whenever he saw me on campus, he came running to me with a smiling face.

Nikhil's friends were at a table, going over some college union work. They looked busy. But no matter how busy he was. Nikhil always came to me.

"You were late?" Nikhil asked. I nodded. "What happened?"

"Just...overslept."

"Chocolate one is over." The canteen guy said after checking the fridge. "Will you take Strawberry instead?"

I hate the strawberry flavour. I made a disappointed face maybe because Nikhil noticed. "I only like Chocolate." I turned to the canteen guy, "It's okay, Chettaa... Nevermind." I turned to walk away. I did not feel like eating or drinking anything else. I was in a messed-up mood. The chocolate milk drink always helps me get over it. I sighed, Nikhil looked at me.

"You will get the Chocolate Milkshake thing in Manoj Chettan's store outside."

"Yeah, but it's too far to walk," I said. The store is outside the college gates. Too bothersome to walk there and then back. But my stomach growled. Nikhil was still watching me, I felt embarrassed. "Wait here," he told me.

"Hm?"

"Like, wait here for ten minutes. Don't go anywhere, okay?" He said, walking backwards. I nodded, confused. He ran back to his friends and asked for something. I saw Adwaith pass him his bike key. He ran outside. Nikhil rushed out of the canteen and then got on Adwaith's bike and drove off.

Ten minutes later, Nikhil returned, and he held out two packets of chocolate milkshakes for me. And had a very innocent smile.

I felt strange. Like a goosebumps sort of feeling, but in a nice and confusing and strange way. It was such a simple gesture. But the fact that somebody went so far for me... If we think about it, it may be nothing. It was only a Rs.30 tetra pack drink. But I almost felt like crying... Which was so strange and embarrassing. Maybe because I was feeling so sad before, perhaps because I was feeling all alone for a few years.... tears threatened to come.

I took the tetra packs from Nikhil. "Thanks," I told him, quietly. Almost too silent that he may have missed it. He seemed pleased with himself, and still so nervous, maybe wondering if he went too far. And nervous Nikhi is cuter.

I sat down at a table and started drinking from the packet. The union members had resumed their work. "What is going on?" I asked Nikhil, indicating to them

"Ah... College Fest preparations."

"It's in the next semester. There are like what? Four months?"

"ONLY... Only four months for that." He said. "Didn't you have breakfast?" I nodded. "So will the milkshakes do? You need to eat something," he said.

"I don't feel like eating." I sipped the milkshake. It was so good. Cold and chocolatey. "This will do." I looked up at him. I can't believe that this guy likes me so much so as to do things like this for me. Why does he even like me?

I felt conscious and guilty.


When Nikhil texted me that evening, I was in the living room. My parents were there too. I had to get up and go into my bedroom. I felt conscious about texting Nikhil in front of my parents. My parents are not too strict that they would not even let me text a male classmate. They are cool with it. But Nikhil was not just any male classmate. For the first time, I am texting a 'guy', and it felt oddly weird to do it in front of my parents. So I went to my room and continued the chat.

Arya: Can I ask something?

Arya: Y don't u have a bike?

Arya: Not that everybody should have a bike. But u know how to ride one. And I feel like u can afford one. So...

Nikhil: Amma won't let me have one. She says it is 'dangerous'. I have been begging 4 one for ages.

Arya: Well, it is not 'that' dangerous.

Nikhil: Exactly... She is mental. But her word is the final word in this house.

Arya: You are close to your mom, na? Kind of a mamma's boy?

Arya: Nikhil...?? U there?

Nikhil: Sorry, that word kind of bothers me.

Arya: Oh, sorry.

Arya: I didn't mean it that way. I meant that it is good. And I am jealous. I have told u that u r lucky. Not everybody has this kind of bond with their parents.

Nikhil: What r ur parents like?

Arya: Hm... old?

Nikhil: What?

Arya: Just... They seem to be living in a different era. Do you get what I mean?

Nikhil: Yeah... Kind of.

Nikhil: Who all r at ur house?

Arya: Amma, Achan, Me

Nikhil: Oh, so u r also an only child? Me 2.

Nikhil: It's difficult being an only child as a kid na. It's kind of lonely, and then people tell u don't know how to share things

Nikhil: Arya?

Arya: Yeah... I am here.

Nikhil: U were not replying

Arya: Sry. Amma called me.

He ran to me in the corridors and asked me about my day. We drink tea in the canteen sometimes. Talk about the teachers and classes. I learned that he loves programming classes, and finds theory classes boring. I loved the theory classes. There was something about the immense amount of words and descriptions that I liked. They felt like non-fiction books.

One day Nikhil and I were talking standing in the corridor. When I walked to the class, Shruthi was at the door. She gave me a raised eyebrow look. I turned back to Nikhil. He was still there. I waved bye to him. He was exhilarated. He waved back with such an enthusiastic smile. Shruthi's jaw dropped. I LIKED that. Take that, bitch.

Then came the exams and holidays and after the holidays, I could not believe that I was looking forward to the college opening. To see him...

One month passed. And then the college festival was approaching and Nikhil was getting busier as he was friends with the union members. One evening, I texted him and he did not reply. I was feeling bored and had nothing to do. I was hoping I will text him and spend some time, but... I felt irritated.

But then I realised that I just got irritated that he was busy. I had started to expect things from him.

It feels like...I have got myself a best friend. Not just a friend, not an acquaintance or just a classmate. But a close best friend. Someone I expect to be always there.

The last time I had close friends was when I was in school. I had two friends. Ramya and Pooja. We used to chat so much. Everything was so normal back then. It was natural to walk in the corridor together, with our arms linked, and talk about everything under the sun. Hang out together in PE class and complain to each about the teachers. And then secretly watch the guys play football and ask each other who they have a crush on.

Pooja had a crush on Arjun which she never admitted to. Ramya and I always tried to make her confess. But probably she felt guilty to have a crush on her friend's brother. I didn't care, though. I would have been glad if they ended up as a couple. Because it was adorable how Pooja got nervous when Arjun talked to her.

Pooja, in turn, tried to make me confess that I had a crush on, Darshan. I never admitted to that, because whatever tiny thing I had for Arjun's new best friend, was too embarrassing to admit, even to myself. It was negligible.

It all feels like such a distant memory. I did have Shruthi as a friend for a while. But with Shruthi... it was not effortless. It was complicated. For her, she was the centre of the universe. And, I felt I could never fit in that bling-bling universe of her. Because I was not the same person anymore. I closed up after Arjun's death. I did not care about how awesome that footwear on display is, or how that random guy looked so so hot.

I never called her or texted her after reaching home. Never reached out to her saying I was bored or needed her. I did not need her. What I needed was not her. And I knew that what she needed was not me either.

But now...with Nikhil, things have become effortless again. Talking to someone - was again becoming a natural thing. He runs to me if he sees me in the corridor. We walk and talk about anything like I used to do with Ramya and Pooja. I even started to get disappointed if he is too busy to talk to me. Like a close friend.

I know that Nikhil has a little more than friendship on his mind. Though he never gets pushy about it or makes any sleazy moves, he does not let me forget that either by saying stuff like 'I will always have time for you'. It does kinda pull my heartstrings. And I kinda like that too.

If Ramya and Pooja were still there as my friends, they would undoubtedly tease me regarding him. I wondered what Ramya and Pooja will say about Nikhil. Will they agree that his eyes are cute? I won't ever know because I am not in contact with them anymore. They sat on either side of me and cried hugging me at Arjun's funeral. But that was the last time I saw them... 













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