Shruthi was talking to her boyfriend Darshan on the phone. She was talking loudly purposefully so that I can hear. She sat on the bench behind me, so she did not have to make much of an effort. But she did it anyway. It was so evident.

After hanging up, Shruthi elaborately began to describe to Vidya, how she and Darshan are planning to meet secretly at a friend's house that weekend. Vidya started teasing her about what she and Darshan may be doing. And Shruthi giggled. She even was checking out my reaction.

I felt sick.

When she did not get any reaction, she turned to me and said, "Arya..." I looked at her. "Darshu said 'hi' to you." I nodded. She was disappointed again on getting no reaction from me.

She turned to Vidya and asked about her guy, and they began to discuss each other's boyfriends. It's like they want to show off the fact that they have boyfriends. Like she wants to make me feel bad about me having no boyfriend. I had no problem whatsoever about being single. But I know that Shruthi is evil enough to try to make me feel bad about something that I should not bother about, and never did. And she did kind of succeed in it today. Usually, she does not.

But...

Achan ticked his tongue while eating breakfast today. The chutney was a tiny bit salty. I saw Amma throw it out to the kitchen sink even if a lot of it was left.

I saw a cut on Amma's finger while she threw away the coconut chutney. She has again cut herself scraping the coconut. I could see Achan polishing his car spotless and complaining about a scratch on it. And then he yelled at amma for taking 20 minutes to search for the car garage's number.

After all of this, I saw Amma crying inside Arjun's room again.

The bell rang. That indicated the end of the lunch break. My mobile beeped — another Messenger message from Siddarth. 'Why won't you talk to me? Are you angry, Arya?' The feeling of being sick filled me up.

I could barely hold my pen to take notes. My hand was hurting

Shruthi laughed behind me, "Darshu is so much sometimes. He says he cannot stand not seeing me. He always brings me gifts when we meet. I keep telling him not to. He is a student too. He should save money, but he says he wants to because he loves me so much. That I helped him forget things. And then," She lowered her tone, "We kiss and stuff. He gets so nervous. It's so cute. I don't know what he plans to do when we meet at his friends' place. But he wanted to meet. Maybe he can't wait till marriage." She giggles.

I let the pen down as my mind went blank.

I packed my bag and got up to go out. Rekha Miss met me at the door. It was her class the next hour. But she did not say anything to me as maybe, I looked too pale and sick. I walked out.

What I needed was escape... Something... someone.

I want to hide into some fluffy cotton ball... Some relief. Some shoulder to set my heavy head on. To be able to forget...

Though I know that I will never be able to forget. Arjun will always follow me throughout my life. He was not something to just forget.

But at least, a distraction... I needed that badly.

"Hello, Amma..."

"Hm, mone... Why did you call at this time?" Amma's voice was what I needed. "Don't you have class?" (Mone - son/dear)

"Eh...we have a free period." I lied. "What were you doing?"

The first time I became conscious of the word 'girl' being referred to me was the very first time I stepped out of my house. It was the first day at Kindergarten, and I had gone there clutching my mother's hand. She left me there in that strange environment. And I felt so scared. And I cried.

And the nanny at the kindergarten wiped my tears gave me a lollypop and asked me if I was not a 'brave boy'. Then why am I crying like a girl? Only girls cry. She told me. She spoke to me in such a loving, caring voice that I stopped crying. But it was also because I did not want to be thought of as a girl. I was a 'brave boy'.

When I was in 3rd std. I came to school with a rose flower. That rose flower grew in our garden that morning, and I was so proud of it that I wanted to show my friends. So I plucked it and brought it to school. But they laughed at me for loving a flower. They called me a 'girl'. I had been told 'don't cry like a girl' a million times that I had got used to it. But this time they called me a 'girl' to my face and laughed at me. I was so humiliated. I felt terrible.

I cried after coming home.

My Amma hugged me and told me that being called a 'girl' is not an insult. I should be the one ashamed that I got humiliated by that. That Amma is a girl. And that girls are wonderful and deserve respect.

But I knew that throughout my life, there will always be people who will degrade me and insult me by calling me 'a girl'. It was still an insult in their eyes. And as long as it is an insult for them, it will be an insult in my eyes too. Nobody likes being insulted.

I was 12 when I got into my first fight, and this guy in my class kicked my ass. But I fought valiantly. Amma was so angry that day. She did not like me fighting. But she did not know that I had to survive. Papa understood. I heard him tell Amma that this is how boys grow up. They have to learn to fight and adjust to the world around them. That I will be bullied throughout my life if I grew up as a sissy weakling. That, I have to learn to be a man.

That was the first time I experienced that opinion inside my house. And that opinion, when it comes from your father, you take it to your heart. You believe it is essential to follow his advice and become 'manly', whatever that is.

But I did not like Amma being sad, so I promised her I will never fight again. However, I had to survive somehow. I knew I was not the strongest boy in any group. Not the coolest guy. Not the funniest one, or the most confident one. I will always be a weaker one. But I needed to survive.

The strategy was to find a strong one, the alpha. And then befriend him, and be under him. Play the part. Silently, just play your part. Lie when you have to. Don't show your real emotions at times. Don't argue. Don't fight... Survive.

That did not mean that nothing ever happened after that. Something terrible did happen. And I was still called a 'pussy' or 'sissy' at times. And more than that, I was referred to as 'mamma's boy'. It was not a common case, but it still hurt when it happened. And it always made me question my manhood. I had to remind myself to be tougher. To be rougher. To hide better. To pretend to be like them.

"Is there something wrong?" Amma asked. She can always tell.

"No," I lied. But I know that she will understand.

"Appu..." She called.

"Amma, I will be late today. We are going to Adi's house." I informed her.

"Will you eat dinner there?"

"Probably."

"Okay... Take care then. Come home before it is too late."

"Yeah, I will," I said.

I hung up before she thinks something is seriously wrong. She will be worried. It's not a big deal.

I got up and walked back, thinking of going to the canteen. I wondered how to proceed with things now. Should I give up on Arya because of what Asif said? Would I be ridiculed if I be with Arya? The guy who got saved by the girl being with the girl??? Everything felt so... crappy. I felt the pressure to match the social norms. It was this triggering confusion and question against my manhood.

Do I give up Arya because of that?? It would be easy...

Easier...

I almost bumped into someone as I was walking thinking. I stopped. And looked up. I saw the bandaged hand first, and then I looked up into her eyes. Those eyes.

"Hey," Arya said. "Are you bunking as well?"

Why was she here? Was this some kind of a signal?

We walked into the canteen together. Awkward. We reached the counter at the same time. "One tea," Arya ordered. The counter guy looked at me. "Same," I said.

She got her tea and went and sat at a table, and got a book from her bag. She started reading the book. It was an English novel. I hesitated. Then I concluded that this is some kind of signal from above. I went to sit at the same table with my tea. She looked up at me a bit questioningly.

"Can I sit here?" I asked, even though I was already sitting down.

"Yeah. Sure." She said, more to be polite, I think. "Why are you alone? What about your friends?"

"Eh... What about you?"

"I don't have any friends." She said, going back to reading her novel. She said it so nonchalantly. I mean, it is a sad thing, but she told it like it is not a big deal. Or should it be considered a sad thing? I found it a bit cool that she was okay about having no friends.

"What is that novel?" I asked. She held the book up for me to see the title. I had no idea about it. My book knowledge is not much. I am more of a movie guy.

"You like reading," I said. I mean, I really don't have to ask.

"Yeah," She said.

She sipped her tea and flipped a page.

It was strange how she can just ignore someone. Like I was there, and she was just reading her book. I felt insignificant. And I did not like that. I wanted to be seen by her. I fidgeted with my phone.

"How is your hand?" I asked.

"Better, healing." She said coldly.

She has zero interest in me. She was sipping the last sip of her tea, still with her eyes on the book. She looked so...unreachable, yet so beautiful. This just made me like her more. My attraction toward her was getting too huge to ignore. I wanted her. I did not care what the rest of the world said about us.

I will never come across someone as intriguing and fascinating as Arya. She was the opposite of 'common'. She is one of the smartest, most intelligent people I have seen. She was special.

The question was, am I 'man' enough for her. If not, I want to be. And the reality was that if I do not give this a chance, I will regret it for life.

She seemed to realise that I am not going anywhere. So she got up to go. I must act fast. "Arya..." I called. She looked back at me. Okay. ask for her number. But what came out of my mouth was "Will you be my girlfriend?"

There was a definite surprise on her face. I stood up.

"Eh... Sorry, that came out so wrong," I told Arya. She was still just staring at me. And I felt tongue-tied.

But I did not regret it. I wanted to say that. Get that out in the open as soon as I can. Somehow that felt like the right thing to do. Kind of the only way I knew. To be honest.

"Listen," he said. " I don't know how to lie about this or put it in any other way. I am not too cool enough to craft it in any other way. But the thing is, I can't get you out of my mind." He was looking straight into my eyes while saying this, not avoiding it. "Ever since you grabbed that knife to save me, I cannot stop thinking about you. I know this is too sudden and too soon. But it's like I can't control this. Shit, I know, I sound so uncool."

He did not though. Did not sound 'uncool'. In fact, lying about that would be uncool. Trying to flirt with me aimlessly would be uncool. What Siddharth is doing nowadays is uncool.

In a world full of people who opted for sly ways, a little straight-to-the-face confession was what I needed. And this was quite brave of him.

"You don't need to reply or anything right now. I was just... I just needed to be honest with you, that is all. For my own mind's peace. We can like just start as friends. Eh...so... I mean..." He was going on, "I am hopeless... This is the worst proposal scene in history,"

"Eh... can I at least have your phone number?" He asked, fumbling, hesitating.

Cute. Actually, a bit lethal level cute. He looked honestly helpless. And he was blushing to the maximum level. And he was just waiting.

I waited and waited. I felt like each second was a year. "Phone." She finally asked.

"Huh?" Did I hear that right? But her hand was outstretched. "Yeah, phone." I took my mobile and placed in her hand. "Here you go."

"You should unlock it before giving me, right?" She said.

Oh yeah. Idiot. I unlocked it in a hurry and gave it back to her. She put her number in it and gave it back to me. I stared at the contact list, which now had the name 'Arya'. I could not hold back a smile. And could not believe my luck as well. She was already walking away with a smile.

"Eh...is it okay if I text you?" I asked her, my heart beating so fast.

"Try texting and see." She said, walking away.

Damn... this is actually working. This is actually happening. "Then I am texting you, okay?" I called out. She did not reply, but I knew this was a positive sign.

I somehow found at least a cushion or distraction for now.