"Mr and Mrs Nikhil Chandran, Your honeymoon suite is this way. Our staff will guide you to your room," The receptionist at the hotel we are staying in said with a sweet smile. We walked following the bell boy.

"Since when am I 'Mrs Nikhil Chandran'? As if I don't have a name." I said annoyed. "same at the airport." It was like my name sort of vanished. Or did not matter anymore.

Nik turned to me. "Let it go. It's just a formality."

"Will you like it if somebody calls you Mr Arya Devan all the time?" I asked. Nik chuckled. He was in a good mood. "I like your name, but I don't want your father's name anywhere near me." He said walking backwards facing me. I smiled. "No offence, okay," he added.

"You will fall down," I said with a smile, reminded of old times. In college, he used to do this all the time.

We were led into the room. It was a nice big room. The bed was huge and had decorations on it. As soon as the bellboy left Nick jumped onto the bed. "Look how soft and bouncy this is...." He yelled.

"You are still a kid." I moved to the window. I could see the ocean from there. Blue beautiful ocean. And there was not much crowd at the beach either. Phuket was beautiful.

"Arya..." Nik called.

"Hm...." My eyes were still on the ocean.

"After we ate at the airport, did you eat your medicine?" He asked. He checks on me like this a lot lately. I felt annoyed.

"Yes," I said.

"Okay...." He said. "How do you feel?" He asked hesitantly.

"A bit sleepy. But okay...." I turned around. Our eyes met. I wanted to share the experience of seeing the ocean with him. So I held out my hand. He got up slid his hand into mine and came and hugged me from behind, settling his head on my shoulder. I smiled. "Ocean looks beautiful," I said.

"Yeah... Yeah, It does." Nik also sounded peaceful.

"Do you remember the first time we went to see the ocean together....?" I asked. "I mean the time you took me to the beach. At art fest..."

"Yeah." He smiled. "Good old times, huh?"

"I think it was then that I started to fall for you."

He left me to look me in the eye. "Really?"

I nodded. He seemed extremely happy. "Can we go see the beach now?" I asked.

We splashed water at each other and laughed.... He pulled me to him and I was laughing a lot. But then I saw his smile vanishing. There was dread in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" I asked, wading my hair away which was getting in my eyes because of the wind.

"What? Nothing." Nik said.

But I knew. I was laughing.

"Can't I even be happy?" I asked, annoyed.

"No. No...." He said. "I mean, I am happy that you are happy."

"Nik, can you stop making a big deal out of this?" I asked. He looked away and grabbed my hand and his thumb moved over the scars on my wrist. He does that a lot lately. "I am just..." he mumbled, "I... I want you to be happy. All the time." He looked me in the eye.

"Well, that cannot happen apparently. So...." My voice cracked. I wanted to say 'deal with it', but I could not. Nik had no reason to deal with this mess other than the fact that he loves me. He is in this mess because I choose him. He can very well be with someone else. Someone 'normal'.

Then I felt like I am destroying Nikhil's life.

He smiles a lot less lately. His parents....

I am the parasite that infested their house, and lives and slowly is eating away their happiness.

At night we had dinner and came to the room. He snuggled to me. Kissed my shoulder. I understood these advances now. "Nik, I am sleepy," I said. I was damn sleepy. The medicines made it impossible to stay awake. The doctor said it will get better eventually. But for now, I could sleep like a log.

"But it's our honeymoon." Nik crooned. "Just for a bit?"

I turned to him. Even I wanted to. If I was in the right condition, I could eat him alive. I was that into him, and each day my desire for him just grew stronger.

"Okay," I said.

We started kissing. And he pushed me to the bed and got on top of me. His hands were getting under my dress when I yawned wide and hard. Nik's eyes narrowed. He got up from me. "Never mind." He said.

"Sorry...."

"Nah." He sounded disinterested now. "You sleep." And he sat looking in the other direction. Literally turning his back on me.

The next day was better. We went sightseeing and shopping. At night we ate a lot of street food. We were walking down a street full of tiny restaurants when I came across the smell. I was walking linking my arm with Nik's. I stopped. So he had to stop too.

A man was sitting on the steps of a restaurant smoking. A joint. I could smell the smell of weed. And it began. The undeniable need for it. And I could not take my eyes off it.

"Arya," Nik pulled my hand. He could see why stopped. His tone was strict. "Let's go."

I did not move. I kept looking at the joint roll in the guy's hand. The guy was now looking at me.

"Arya, come on...." Nikhil pulled my hand.

I still did not move, so Nik pulled harder.

The guy smoking up said something in Thai. I could not understand, but he extended the weed to me so I assumed it meant 'want one'. I really did want one. But Nikhil pulled harder and pulled me away from there.

We went to a nearby Thai restaurant. Ordered food. But I could not get the thought of the joint from my mind. Just once... One last time. Just to avoid this fucking reality for one last time. I am allowed one last escape, right? I have fucking bipolar disorder. I can....

Our food arrived. It was a Thai Duck curry and rice.

"Ehm... I will just go to the washroom and be back." I told Nik He nodded.

I walked back. I was at the place where I saw the guy smoking up. But he was not there anymore. I was desperate. I looked around. But then he came up from behind me. He said something in Thai. I shook my head and indicated smoking with two fingers. He smiled and produced one weed joint from his pocket. He gave it to me and lit it up for me.

I took a puff. And felt so relived..... But so guilty at the same time.

Another puff.

And another....

But then, Nikhil was there. And he looked terribly, terribly angry. He pulled me away from there and did not stop until we were back in our hotel room.

"What is wrong with you?" He yelled at me when we were inside the room. I had no excuse. I know I behaved irrationally. I know how it may have seemed. "Do you still want that? Is that the life you want?" Nikhil yelled.

"Sorry."

"SORRY? SORRY!!" He yelled. I have never heard him yell so loud. "I am here doing everything for you, and you want to crawl back into that hell hole again? Me.... My parents.... Do you know that if my parents know you take weed, it will crush them? And the thing your beloved Darshan gave you. God.... Why do you want to destroy our lives, Arya? Why...."

Our lives?

I want to destroy our lives?

Yeah, my life is now tied to his life, right? Then if I destroy anything it will have common ownership.

"If you cannot think of me, at least think of my parents." Nikhil said, "How can you do this to them?"

He sat down on the bed clutching his head. "God, this is so fucking difficult," he began to cry. Shedding tears.

That night I stayed awake.

When I woke up, I could not find Arya.

The ocean crashed around me. It took me in its arms, cradled me, suffocated me and then threw me back into the shore. I wadded in again. This time it kept me. It promised eternal rest.

Death was peaceful.

Maybe this was how Arjun felt.

Now I could not blame Arjun anymore, can I?

"My wife. She is this tall." I frantically explained to the reception people. I was panicking. Arya was out alone. God knows what agenda is on her mind. "She was wearing... A white top and shorts."

"Sir, please relax." The receptionist said. "She must have gone for a walk or...."

"She is not...." How can I relax? It was about 5 am. Dawn. I had woken up slightly to realise that she was not in the room. "You don't understand. I need to find her immediately."

But they were of no help. So I ran out.

I frantically searched for Arya here and there, calling her name.

My first instinct was that she probably went to get weed from the man from last night. So I ran there. All the restaurants and street food stalls were closed. Nobody was there. I ran around and stopped in front of the stall we saw the man last night. The shades were closed and the shutter was down.

I went and banged on the door. Nobody came. I banged more.

A grumpy old woman opened the door. I had been expecting the guy from last night so I was a bit perplexed. I quickly fetched out my mobile and showed the woman photo of Arya. "My wife," I said. "Missing. Have you seen her?" The woman did not understand English. She called inside. And now the guy from last night came out, scratching his back. That must be the woman's son. I barged into the house without waiting for an invitation. "Arya...." I called.

The guy started saying something in Thai. Getting angry. I extended Arya's photo again to the guy. "Where is she? Did she come here?" The guy looked at the photo and then at me perplexed. "No. No." He finally said in English.

And panic grew in me. If she is not here....then....

"Are you sure she did not come here?" I asked.

"No, come." The guy said.

I nodded. "Thank you."

I ran back to the hotel. Maybe she was back in the room.

I checked the room, but the room was empty. Her phone was in the room of course. And she left in last night's clothes. This is all my fault. I should not have got angry or lose my cool last night. I should have handled it differently.

I ran out again, looking through the neighbourhood.

Finally, I found her sitting by the ocean, soaking wet, shivering. I ran to her. "Arya...." I dropped down by her on the sand. She did not look at me. She was still shivering. And bleeding from her hand. Not a cut. An injury like she was hit with a rock. Since she was soaking wet I could not recognise at first, but she was crying. She was crying looking at the ocean.

"I could not do it." She said, still shivering.

Why is she wet? Did she go into the ocean.... Did she- on purpose?

"Arya..." I could not bring to verbalise what I was dreading.

"I could not do it." Arya shook. She bit her lips....

Tears filled up in my eyes. She tried to kill herself, didn't she?

"I was there inside...." She mumbled.... "Then I remembered Arjun. And I could not do it." Tears fell from her eyes. "I could not do what Arjun did to me, and to my parents and Darshan to Everyone else.... I can't do that to you." She looked at me.

And I could only process that for a long second.

"No, baby." He said, "You would never have to." And he hugged me tightly. I felt so guilty that I thought about leaving that way. Knowing what it does to people left behind. I was about to do that to Nikhil.

"I am sorry," I cried hugging him. "I am sorry."

I stayed silent. He did not complain. "I want to fight...." I said. "To...improve. To get better... For you.... For your parents. I.... I want to be better."

"You will be." He said.

"And... And.... I am sorry...."

"Don't...."

"I will take my medicines. And go for therapy. And work hard. And be better..."

"You don't have to be better. You are good enough. I love you as you are." He drew back and looked at me. "But you are a danger to yourself. That is what we have to tackle. And babe, it's not just your fight. This is our battle. Together. I am here for you. We do this together. Okay?"

I nodded. I loved him more than anything in this world. And for him, I was willing to fight my mind and thoughts and disorders. 

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Bipolar Disorder is very common. If you are going through it, please know that it is very much manageable with CBT, therapy, and medicines. Do not harm yourself because of your inner monsters ever. You are strong enough to fight them off. Seek help. You are loved. :)