People. Too many people looking at me. And I was locked in a cage. No, it was a zoo. And people were staring at me, at my scars, at my naked body as they stare at animals in a zoo. Talking, laughing, loudly laughing. Whispering....

And I opened my eyes. It was obviously a dream. But I was locked in all right. Nikhil's arm lay pulling me close to his body. He has developed some muscles during the time we were apart. The grip was light enough but firm. I felt trapped. And I was naked. I looked around and it was morning already. I felt awfully self-conscious about being naked. Especially because of that dream. I felt uneasy. I tried to pull free. It woke him. That made me jump for the blanket to cover myself.

"What's the time?" His voice came out huskily.

"I don't know. But it's morning."

"Do you mind if I sleep a little longer?" And he rolled off back to sleep.

By the time I got dressed and walked downstairs it was 8 am. Some of the close relatives had stayed over at the house after last night's trip for the reception today. At the kitchen making, dosa was Nikhil's ammayi/aunty. I walked in. Amma was in there as well. They were talking. About me, it seems.

"Well, she had a brother. The poor boy killed himself...." Amma was telling the aunty. I did not particularly like Arjun being discussed, but whatever.

"Oh, what for...."

And amma went silent. And I felt bad. Because I felt amma did not want to say the reason involving him being a homosexual part. Somehow that hurt and I felt a bit annoyed.

"Just.... Stuff." Amma said.

"Is she like that too?" Aunty suddenly asked. "I wanted to ask since yesterday. But what are those marks on the new bride's hand? Like knife cuts...."

I hid my left hand behind my back at once. The scars were fading, but still visible. I had not cut in a month.

I saw that Amma was put in a tight spot. She was struggling to come up with something. To save her, I walked in.

"Oh, mole..." Amma jumped up. "Do you want tea?"

"Yes," I mumbled. "I will make..."

I joined aunty at the gas stove to make tea. I could see her eyes on my hand. I tried to stay calm. "You know..." Aunty said casually, "in our times the new bride needed to wake up much earlier than this." I looked at her. "But I know your generation," she added with a laugh, "it's okay...."

I woke up almost at 10 when Arya walked back into the room and started searching through her stuff. Her stuff had been put into suitcases in a haste and transferred from the guest room to my room. Everything inside was in a jumble. She searched looking frustrated and angry.

I got up. "What's wrong?" I asked.

At last, Arya found what she was looking for - a light brown liquid thing. She sat at the dressing table and dabbed the liquid over her scars. "People keep staring at it." She said. She rubbed the liquid, I think it's called a foundation, over her scars making them less visible. But now they looked funny with the patch of a shade lighter paste over them. Frustrated Arya gave up.

"They will all leave tomorrow...." I sat down beside her. She stayed silent. But she looked so pretty today morning in a baby pink churidar. I was reminded of our last night. So I put my arms around her and buried my head in her lap.

"What?" She snapped.

Okay. She is not in any mood for romance. But I am... And for now, I did not want to care that she was not.

He snuggled in, "I love this," He said. It was not that bad. I also loved him being this close... "Seeing you the first thing in the morning. Knowing that I can do that for the rest of my life...." He said. I smiled, automatically.

My hands moved to Appu's hair. And moved through it. He looked up at me, with those puppy dog eyes. I moved my hand through his hair again. He smiled. "I want to stay like this forever...." He said.

Me too.

Me too.....

But I want to run away. Seriously want to run away. People too many people. The reception was like a nightmare come alive. My whole extended family were there. And Nikhil's family and friends and relatives and everyone his parents knew. Hundreds of people.

And People were looking at me. Judging me. Whispering about me.

"The girl seems too thin, no?"

"Oh, she is not fair enough for the boy. The boy is a lot fairer no..."

"Why did they make him marry so young?"

"They met in college. You know kids these days..."

"I heard the girl's family is too poor compared to...."

"Why would they choose such a girl...?"

"Isn't she too thin?"

"I heard they eloped..."

"Really? What is the story?"

"What are those marks on the girl's hands... ?"

"I heard the girl's brother killed himself...."

"I heard he was.... You know...that kind of person...."

Three hours of this. I wanted to.... RUN AWAY.

Three hours of smiling fake for the camera. Three hours of pretending to care who is introducing themselves, and their relationship with Nikhil or his parents.... What is the point of all this? A headache started to brew up and I started wishing for some weed to escape this reality. I wanted it so badly that I considered calling Darshan or Zahara.

This was also three hours of scratchy heavy expensive clothes. I was wearing a peacock blue saree with heavy jewellery work on the edges, with a silk boat neck 3/4th sleeve blouse of golden colour. My saree matched Nikhil's shirt. He was wearing a suit.

We looked good. But I wanted to run away.

Amma and Achan were in a corner talking to Nikhil's Papa. Sharath Chettan, Preeti and Preeti's husband and kid were having dinner. Amma was looking troubled. She probably could hear what people were talking about.

"Appu," Arya turned to me. "Can I just go to the washroom and be back?" She asked. I nodded. "Amma," I called my mother. And fixed her up to escort Arya to the washroom. I could see Adi, Sharan and Asif at the food stalls. Taking a break, I ran down the stage to join them.

"The groom is here." Asif chanted as I approached.

"Hey, Adi, Who knew four years back that this loser here would be the first one to get married among us" Sharan added. "I still can't believe... Our little Appu is married."

"Stop it guys," I requested. Their teasing was getting out of hand.

"You look good," Adi hit my stomach with his hand playfully. He was getting back to normal. My wedding helped as a distraction to that. And that was good. I was glad that he was smiling a bit now.

Twenty minutes, I talked to the guys... After that, even I was wondering why Arya was taking this long. Right then Amma came to me, with a troubled worried expression. "Appu, Can I just?" she drew me away from the guys.

"What's wrong?"

"Arya... she won't come out of the washroom."

"Huh?" I asked.

"She said she needs a bit time and said sorry. It's been a while... and..." Amma looked too panicked. "What am I supposed to tell the guests?"

More and more guests were coming. I know... And they would want to see the bride and groom. Some guests were already looking at Amma and me as if asking where the hell is the bride. "I will go talk to her," I told Amma.

I walked to the ladies washroom of the venue. My cousin sister was outside looking perplexed. "She won't come out," she told me as I approached. I patted chechi's shoulder and stepped up to the door. I could feel Arya inside.

"Arya...." Appu's voice came from outside. "It's me.... Babe, you in there?"

Great! I could kill myself right now. At first, only wanted to take a breather. Just for a minute. Just for two more minutes. Just for five minutes. But then, it became impossible to go outside. To that space. To that place... Where nothing mattered. Where everything was fake. Everyone felt plastic. And where people did not need me. Where people needed the traditional daughter-in-law that fitted into the social conventions. They wanted the typical everyday model that fitted into a box that can be labelled as same as any other daughter-in-law.

This was the world I wanted to escape from. The world of fake honour and gossips. Where one's pain had no value and someone's death was no more than a scandal.

Maybe this marriage was a mistake....

"Arya...." The only voice that can affect me right now asked. And I wanted to sink into his arms and forget everything. "Can you...can you come out?" Appu asked.

No.

"Arya?"

But no. She stayed there. She stayed there, and I kept calling. Arya's mother came. She started calling her. Her brother Sharath Chettan too. But she did not come out. Then came the sound of glass smashing and the smell of blood.

It was a downward spiral. At first, I just did not want to go out. But then people were outside. Amma, Sharath Chettan.... That was it. I did not want to go out to them. Them of all people. I wanted to escape, to vanish into thin air. I wanted to stop existing.

And so, I smashed the mirror and got a shard of glass....

Blood dripped into my blue saree socking it. I had never cut so deep.

Sharath Chettan and I had to break the door down together. Arya was sitting down on the floor, her saree socking red with blood. Both our mothers gasped and started crying. Everyone was perplexed. But I was not. I was prepared to see exactly this. I stepped in and lifted her up in my arms and ran out.

"Get the car...." I called out to Papa.

The guests were watching. She had cut too deep. The blood was not stopping. It dripped into the grass.

The doctor was papa's friend. So we got her hand-stitched up without much legal fuss or foul talks. But even he suggested that we take her to therapy ASAP. Ever since we got back from Bangalore, I had been searching for a good psychiatrist or mental health centre near us that may be compatible with Arya. But in the fuss of marriage, that got delayed. But now I cannot delay this any longer.

By the time we got home, it was already past 12 am. None of the guests was there to talk. But the relatives still were. And relatives were the ones to raise questions and talk about it. They were concerned about the new bride but whispered among themselves about why in the world would the new bride try to kill herself one day after the marriage. What was the conspiracy behind it? No one understood. Some were too sympathetic to us that Appu had to marry someone like this.

Amma and Papa were humiliated. Papa had a good reputation among people. But now people were talking about what happened.

At night amma and papa retired to their room, their head held low. I have never seen them more broken than this I was furious. Arya was in the room, but I did not want to look at her. I could not forget the fact that she did this on purpose. She hurt herself on purpose.... But with that, she had hurt my parents beyond repair. They had one son, and his marriage reception was a disaster people will talk about for ages.

I did not want to sleep near her that night. I grabbed the pillow and moved outside.

It was not like I was not aware of what I did. I knew. I had crossed a line. And I saw Nikhil grab a pillow to move outside. This was something I had seen only in movies. This was his room. If anyone should sleep outside, it should be me.

"I will go," I mumbled.

"Don't-" he hissed, "Don't get me started." It seemed like he was barely holding down his rage. And he walked outside. It hurt. It hurt like hell.

What's the use of all this? What's the point of anything? Why am I like this and why can't I be better? Why do I hurt people who love me? What do I want in life?

Suddenly I could understand why Arjun killed himself.

He probably could not see an end to his suffering. He probably felt bad that he is hurting people around him by being himself. Same as me...

I slept off.

I woke up hearing an argument downstairs. It was Nikhil and his parents. I have never heard them fight. This may be the first time in forever that they were actually fighting for real. I moved to the top of the stairs to look down.

"I already told you guys that she is going through some things... Amma, you said that is okay." Nikhil was saying.

"Yes but.... This? Appu this....?? She slit her hand as if it was nothing on reception.... Hundreds of people were there"

"Everyone is calling me about yesterday...." Papa said.

"I know," Appu's voice lacked energy. "She is not.... She is going through..."

"She is not well. I get that," Amma's voice was firm and rigid, "But.... Why should you be the one to suffer through that? People not well that much should not be getting married."

And something broke inside me. Nikhil's mom always....always liked me. Even loved me. But now.... I have broken even that too. And What she said made sense too. Why should Nikhil be suffering through my madness? What right did I have to put him through this??

"What do you suggest I do?" Nikhil asked, clutching his head.

"You should not have got married," Amma said.

"Well, I am married to her now. If you want to, I can move out with her. She is my responsibility now."

And amma gasped. "Move- Move out?" She asked. She was clearly hurt. "You grew up so much, Appu? That you want to move out?"

"Amma, it's not like that," He yelled in frustration. "Whatever....just...." he looked up and saw me. And his expression darkened. It was for the first time that Nikhil's face had that expression on seeing me. My heart broke inside.

He deserved better than this.

"Arya..." Amma noticed me too.

I walked downstairs. I felt like crying.

When I came to this house first, this was the happiest house I have ever seen. I brought darkness, gloom and fight into this household. I brought this.

"How is your hand now, mole?" Amma was still being loving to me. I could kill myself. Maybe I should kill myself, and save this house. I am bound to doom anyway. At least these people will be spared.

"Maybe I should move out," I mumbled. "Just me. Not Appu." Nik's eyes squinted - A flash of panic.

"Don't be ridiculous, mole," Papa said. "You two are married now. And now for good times and bad times should be together. You know what.... This incident, we will get over this. People will eventually stop talking about it when they get another topic to talk about." He put a hand around me and Nikhil. "Why don't you two go for your Honeymoon? All of our relatives have put together a great Honeymoon package for you two. You to go and have some fun."

"Papa..." Nikhil started, "We need to get her to therapy first." He looked at me.

Also, I did not feel I deserve a great holiday right now.

"You can go to therapy. But I feel Arya needs a break. Let her go and enjoy. She will feel better in a new place and have some fun." Papa said.

Nikhil seemed to be considering it.