It was decided that we would be married at Guruvayoor Temple in a month's time. That temple hosted hundreds of marriages each day and required little preparation. Meanwhile, I stayed in the guest bedroom at Appu's house. It was busy days. He had to convince his unsure parents each day why this is how things should be. And I had to pretend that I was okay, not addicted, not depressed, not a mess. And he had to help cover for me.

One month passed by quickly.

We travelled from Trivandrum to Guruvayoor in a hired SUV. Stayed at a hotel. I had to wear a saree for the wedding. It was my first time wearing a saree. The makeup lady said I looked nice. She put all sorts of things on my face and told me not to smudge them.

Only when I looked myself in the mirror did I realise that this was actually happening. I was getting married to Nikhil.

Just a few minutes before we left Amma (Nikhil's) and the makeup lady left me alone in the room to go receive some guests. A few close relatives and friends of Nikhil were invited. For the rest, we had a reception party back in Trivandrum tomorrow.

I was still taking in myself in the saree when there was a knock on the closed door. "Arya..." Nikhil whispered from outside.

I went to the door. "What are you doing here? It's inauspicious for you to see me before the ceremony."

"Yeah, right..." He said, ignoring it. "Listen, I need to tell you something. Oh, this will be a whole lot easier if I could see your face."

I opened the door and he stumbled in as if he was pressed to the door before. He was quite startled. "I did not do anything," He panted.

"I know. I opened the door." I said, "what's up?"

But he was now looking at me, a bit dazed, a bit happy. I felt self-conscious. "Stop looking," I said. He was also looking nice, in a mundu and white shirt.

Suddenly, he just hugged me. "Appu, you will smudge my makeup and wrinkle my saree. What the hell are you doing?" I asked, trying to push him off. "Just-"

"I love you." He blurted out. "I really really really really love you. I will love you till my last breath..." I stopped struggling. "Eh... I think I have not told you this enough time lately," He mumbled a bit embarrassed, "that's why. Eh... I love you." He concluded.

I love you too.

I said inside me a thousand times. But with my lips... they did not come out. Did I even deserve him? Such a good guy and sincere love...after being such a mess that I am... Did I even deserve him?

Suddenly there were tears. Nikhil pulled back a bit and looked at me. "What's wrong?" He asked panicked. I shook my head and tried to wipe my tears. But the tears would not stop. "

"Hey, your eye kajal thing is running. Stop crying." He panicked stepping back. "What is wrong?"

"Nothing," I said, wiping off my final tears.

"I did not even say what I came to say..." Nikhil said as if to distract me. "I first thought I would not say, but then I was like it would be a disaster if they turn up and you freak out and run away from the marriage mandapam."

"What? Who turns up?"

He looks guilty... "Your parents. I... I called and told your mother about the wedding yesterday."

"You did what?"

I was very clear about just one thing from the beginning. I did not want my parents or relatives at the wedding. I did not want them in my life anymore. I requested to Nikhil's parents so earnestly. They were not comfortable with it. They were the ones who had to answer the relatives' questions. When the bride's side of the family is not there, people will ask. Amma and Papa were like we at least have to invite your mother. But I was adamant.

"Listen," Nikhil said, "They are your parents. You will regret it if they are not present on your wedding day."

"I won't regret it. And what parents? They hit me when they found out about you. Why would I want them when I am getting married to you?" I only want people who will truly be happy about Nikhil and me.

"Arya, I know the issues. But... still... Your mom at least. She deserves to be here."

"No. She does not." The tears were back. "Shit."

I wiped my eyes, probably smudging the eye makeup more. Suddenly Nikhil's mother and the makeup lady were back.

"Appu, what the hell are you doing here? And why is Arya mol crying? Did you make her cry?" I wanted to sit down, so I went and sat down. "You will wrinkle your saree," the makeup lady cried, "and god, I have to redo your make-up. There is so little time. Can the groom go out?"

"I invited her parents," Nikhil said to his mother.

"Oh..."

"Take care of her please," He walked out.

They were there. At the wedding. Amma and Achan. They met with us in front of the Temple. Amma came and awkwardly hugged me. She was in tears. "You look beautiful," she told me. Somehow the bitterness in me reduced. But it was not gone. I was still mad at them. But maybe Nikhil was right. Just one day...Let them be a part of this.

The Temple was crowded. And marriages after marriages were happening. I remembered a Malayalam movie where the brides get swapped in the chaos of a lot of weddings happening here. But I did not get swapped, and in a while, Nikhil was tying the knot to my wedding chain, the tali-maala (mangal sutra). He looked me in the eye and gave me a small smile. I still felt disturbed inside...

She was not looking happy. And that disturbed me. We were getting married and if the bride looks this disturbed and unhappy... what was our future. Am I doing the right thing? – I thought as I put the sindoor on her forehead.

But this was happening. I was now married to the love of my life... Four years back, this was my dream. I am still too young to be married. But I have fulfilled my dream.

After the wedding, Arya's mother thanked me for inviting them. She took my hand in hers, "we are giving you our daughter. She is yours now.... Take good care of her." She said. Arya snorted beside me. I gave her a strict eye and told aunty, I mean Amma, "Of course, Amma"

As we walked to have lunch Arya said, "Just FYI, I don't belong to you now, or like ever. And you don't have to 'take care' of me. That is so patriarchal..."

I did not want to spoil my mood, so I took her hand, "we can take care of each other. Equal partners, okay?"

She gave me a small smile. Good.

We travelled back that evening itself. Everyone was damn tired by the time we reached home. It was past 11. There was no bride walking into the house with a nilavilakku (oil lamp/diya) ceremony because Arya already lived in our house. She just shifted from the guest room to my room.

I knew this, but when I saw her in my room and knew that from now on there is no her room and my room, only our room, I felt so giddy inside. I tried to hold back the horny side and be a gentleman.

"Tired?" I asked sitting down beside her. She was rubbing her head.

"Headache," She said.

"Yeah, it was a tiring day," I said, softly, trying to set a mood. It was our wedding night after all.

"Do you have Crocin?" She looked up.

"I will check..." I don't think I am getting anything tonight. I got up to check the medicine box. "Ugh... I wish I could get a joint," Arya said behind me and I stopped. I turned back. "What?" She asked. "That's what I need right now. You don't know. It takes away... things."

I felt pissed.

"What?" she snapped at me again.

"You know what? I don't want to spoil your day and all... But we got married today."

"So?" She asked in a curious voice. "You want sex?"

"No. Just... can't you... at least try to be a bit happy about it?" He said with difficulty. "The marriage. You are happy, right?"

With that direct question, I realised that I did not know. Ï actually did not know. But I replied, "Yeah. Of course, I am." Then I felt I was being a jerk. "I am sorry. With my parents coming and all, I was being a.... I am sorry. Come here," I held out my hand. He slid his hand into mine and sat back on the bed.

"I am thankful that you are doing this," I said, with all genuineness that I can, but his face fell dark.

"You are thankful that I married you?" He asked, "Is that what you are saying? Do you know how messed up that sounds?" He sounded angry.

Did I mess up again?

"Arya?" He asked.

I looked down at my hands.

Maybe I am pressuring her too much. So I sat closer and used a much caring voice. "What is going on, Arya? Tell me..." She played with her fingers.

"Nothing," she said.

"Hm... It's not nothing." I said. "We need a pact. From now on we tell each other everything. Even things that are 'nothing'. Okay? Because we are partners now. We need to make this work. Right?"

"Yeah."

"So, tell me."

She hesitated. And then she told me about things, about how she feels that she does not deserve me. (That is ridiculous.) How she feels guilty about things. How she felt about her parents? How the day had been too ups and downs for her. How she regrets not telling me she loves me when I told her that I love her. And how she hates herself for every little thing. And how she does not want to live this way hating her, hating everyone and everything. How sometimes she just wants to end life itself.

The last thing caught me off guard. I had never thought of Arya as suicidal. It got me really really scared.

"All I know is that I love you," She concluded. "And I felt terrible when you were not there. Nothing made sense. I...want to be with you, near you... as long as I am living."

She came closer expecting a hug. I took her into my arms, kissed her forehead, lips... Lingered on lips.

After that, it was the best sex we had yet.