Rewind...

A few months back

I sat up.

My head hurt.

For a second, I was not sure where I was. I stood up and stumbled. I was probably not totally sober yet.

I tried to find a bathroom in the house.

Found one and went to pee.

On checking my reflection, I saw that there was red glitter smeared on my right cheek. My hair was messed up and my mascara was running.

I still felt dizzy. I tried to wipe away the glitter in vain. Rubbed the spot absentmindedly. Nothing happened.

I walked back into the room.

Zahara was on the floor smoking up. "Can you pass me the ashtray, sweety," she asked me. I looked around the room. "That broken mug," She indicated the white mug on the table. I passed the mug to her. She dropped the ash from her joint to the mug.

"Did you see Darshan?" I asked Zahara.

"The guys went out to get food. Probably there...."

"What's the time?"

"Eight probably,"

"Shit...." I clutched my head and sat down on the bed. "I have to be at the office at nine."

I will get fired at this rate.

"Take it easy, babe," Zahara crooned, "there is no use in living life so hard... In the end, we all just die and become fucking maggot food." She stretched her hands, with her top riding up. She had a flower branch tattoo on her side. It was rather sexy. It reminded me of Darshan's tattoo. "Focus on happiness...." Zahara mumbled. Zahara was Darshan's friend. We had a party last night at her house.

I got rather drunk last night. Without really intending to. The guys played a drinking game and.... Now that I was slightly sober, I vaguely remembered seeing some messages from Nikhil yesterday on my mobile. I had laughed saying I am hallucinating things.

But now I searched for my mobile and found it. I checked my messages. There were three messages.

Nikhil: I am back in Blor. And I am leaving in a couple of days. Got transfer. I am going back permanently

Nikhil: Do you want to meet once before I leave? For a proper goodbye...

Nikhil: Nevermind. This is good enough. Actually, this is better. Wish you all the happiness in life. Take care....

And everything began to go piercingly cold. Too cold. I sat back down on the bed.

"You okay, babe?" Zahara asked.

"My head hurts..." I complained.

"Do you want a smoke..." she held out her weed joint to me. I took it from her hand and put to my lips and sucked in the smoke that drowns everything....

It happened this way...

After that day, after Nikhil left, all that remained I me was rage. This unexplainable anger. Not just at him, not just at myself, but it was directed towards everything and anything. We find our coping mechanisms. And anger was one. And it just made sense.

Some days were better than the others, where I can get busy with office work, laugh with housemates as if nothing is wrong. But still, everything was already in shambles inside.

Rage...

Somedays were not like that. Somedays, I was less than just moving through the day. When I felt so angry that I felt like pulling out my hair and setting fire to the office. Somedays I see someone laughing, I wish if I had a gun to shoot them down. I felt envious at anyone with happiness. When all my life had to offer is this mess.

It felt safe with Darshan. He was the only one now... He understood pain. He understood anger. He understood the lack of tears. And he understood the cuttings. He even stood and watched as I moved one of his broken glasses through my wrist. We were at his house.

Later he tore one of his old t-shirts to tie my bleeding wound up. "Don't do these..." he whispered to me, pulling me closer. "Ajju would kill me if he sees me standing by and letting this be."

"I can't help it," I pulled my hand free from him. "I feel suffocated... This... is the only way..." I looked up. I was drunk too, a bit. Drowning this helps. I had thought alcohol will help me cry. But it did not. It has not for the past couple of weeks. I cried the day he left. But since then, my eyes are horribly dry. Making everything worse. I looked at the gashes on my wrist now. I have to wear long sleeves to work now. There were about eight fresh new cuts.

"Is your Mr Nice-guy worth all this?" Darshan asked, sitting down by me.

"This is not for him, or because of him. You should know that better than anyone." I said. He frowned and then said, "I know." After a while, he added, "If you just need pain, there are other ways, you know." Darshan said.

"Drugs?" I asked.

"No. And nobody calls them 'drugs', you stupid."

"I don't see how drugs seem to be a better way," I said turning to him. "And I am not taking them." I was feeling more drunk now. This was better. This was good.

"I did not mean drugs." He said. "Other ways to inflict pain in your body... one that is widely popular and socially approved."

"Huh?" I asked. "There is no such thing."

"There is..." he said, getting closer. "Ever heard of tattoos? They hurt like hell." He drank straight from his bottle and sat back, leaning towards the wall. It took me a second to process that. "How do you know?" I asked

"I have one." He said.

"Where? I can't see..." I looked at him.

"It's not somewhere you can see." He said.

"Oh... okay."

"I can show you though." He said, sitting up again.

"No, thanks..." I said. I did not want to see his naked body. But he was already taking off his t-shirt. "What the hell are you doing?" I asked, freaking out.

"Showing you my tattoo." He said and took off his t-shirt fully. And I don't know when he works out, but his body was all muscular and stuff. "Where...? I still can't see." I said. He smiled and turned around. And there on his back, just below the shoulder, these letters were engraved in big black letters – 'ARJUN'.

I gasped.

"Darshan this is..."

"Yeah, I know... kind of fucked up, huh?" He whispered.

He did not turn back to me, letting me stare at it for a long time. I just sat there, looking. "Can I... Can I touch it?" I asked. Darshan nodded, without turning back. I got up from my chair and moved my finger to his back. He stiffened when my finger touched his skin. As if he held his breath. I moved my finger over, knowing that he was holding his breath. But this felt like touching fire. More self-destructive than anything. Better than cutting.

I let my hand down. He turned back to me and put his t-shirt back on.

And then we were silent. For a long while.

"Do you mind if I smoke a joint?" He asked, to break the awkwardness.

"How does it feel?" I asked.

"What?"

"The weed.... thing...."

He smiled, "You want to try?" he asked.

"No," I sat back away. Nikhil will kill me... wait, there is no Nikhil. My Amma will kill me... wait, there is no Amma either. Arjun... is dead. "You won't mind if I do, right?" Darshan asked.

I just shrugged. I should be going home. It was a Sunday. I have office tomorrow. The girls look at me weirdly nowadays anyway because I was a mess. And hangs out with Darshan than Nikhil. And sometimes smell of alcohol. But I could not care less about the girls. Or office.

Nothing in life made sense anymore. The plan was that I will get my freedom, and travel... And I know I will travel. Let the pain subside for now. I don't know how long that will take. Right now, it felt like each cell in my body wanted nothing more than Nikhil. My sexual drive was messed up like hell. It was hungry for him more than ever, even more than when that bastard was actually kissing and touching me. This was insane. And now, I was feeling like calling him and yelling at him that he was a fucking coward and a 'mama's boy'. I want to beg him to take me back. Grind myself to him.

"Can I try your weed?" I turned to Darshan who had finished rolling one cigarette-looking thing.

"It's called a joint," he said, extending it to me. I took it and placed it on my lips. Darshan lit it for me. I coughed at the first intake. I knew from movies that the cough was normal. So took it again.

"I feel nothing," I told Darshan.

"It takes a while," he said rolling another one for him.

Darshan knocked and entered the room. Zahara sat up straight. "Food is here," he said.

"Forget food," I told him, "drop me home. I need to get to the office."

He scratched his shoulder...."I am hungry."

"Fine, I will call a cab," I said taking out my mobile.

"No. Come... I will drop you." He said, fetching his bike key. When we were near his bike, Darshan said, "You should learn driving. Be self-sufficient."

"I don't have the money to buy a two-wheeler," I told him, angry. I was annoyed. Nikhil was in the city. But.... I was not sure that I would want to meet him, even if he had not sent the last message. I did not want to show this messed-up side to him. He will be so disappointed. And I felt further angry and raged at myself.

I got a sudden urge to cut myself. There is a blade in my purse. But I will wait till I get home.

"You can buy an old second-hand someday.... I will teach you how to drive." Darshan said, ignoring my anger.

"You?" I raised my eyebrow in distrust.

"Oh come on. Two-wheeler, that too scooty is so damn easy. And you already know how to ride a bicycle. It will be easy."

And true to his word, Darshan was in front of my apartment the next weekend with a borrowed scooty to teach me driving. Actually, that was fun. It at least kept my mind away from my thoughts. Also, it kept us both from our vices a few days. Darshan and I ended up practising even after office hours.

Arjun and I used to ride a bicycle all the time. So, in a couple of weeks, I was able to get the balance.

Initially, Darshan needed to sit behind me and put his arm around and hold the handle with me to teach me. That was too close touching. But the weird part was that I was not affected by that closeness or anything. For some reason, Darshan was now a replacement for both Arjun and Nikhil for me. A mixture of both. There was a weird sense of comfort with him. Like a brother, a long-term friend.

Life went on in the same loose messed up way. Next Friday, Darshan and Zahara and all took me out to a club. It was a different club than the one I had gone before. More people were drunk here, more people were smoking up. It was a closed space.

"You should go to Mumbai for the real deal," Tarun told me. Tarun and Tushar are twins, and friends of Zahara and Darshan. "There you get the best stuff," he said.

"Delhi is better, behenchod." Zahara laughed. She was already super high.

I smoked up a bit. It helped to laugh with them.

And danced with Darshan.

"Just think this..." He whispered into my ear over the music. I looked up at Darshan. "What will your parents think of you now?"

I laughed out loud. And then I could not stop laughing. I fell to Darshan's chest and laughed. It was so funny. So funny... So ... funny... So... funny... So.... Funny.... So... funny...... Funny... Funny...

I was laughing when Darshan lead me to the table. Because things were so....funny.... Fun...

I woke up when Darshan splashed some water on my face. I looked around.

"What happened?" I remember asking vaguely.

"You had an attack...." He said.

"No, I did not...."

"It's okay.... I am here." He said.

The office was a mess. People were whispering behind my back. And I was taking leaves frequently. My team lead called me aside and had a talk with me. I knew somewhere deep inside that this was bad. This was not the way to live. I wanted to stay here because I loved my job and wanted to keep it. But now I was on the verge of getting fired. This was not the way. This needed to stop. But by the time I returned to my seat I was again craving to get high again.

All these fucking problems will be drowned in it...

I was craving for weed so pretty badly.

Amma called sometimes. She told me how Nikhil's parents were calling off the wedding. It was expected and needed to come way earlier than this. But it still got everything freaking cold inside me.

I drank two bottles and smoked five joints in a night with Darshan.

A few weeks later, I got a phone call from an unknown number. I was already having dinner with Darshan. I mentioned how I did not know the number. Darshan saw the phone number on my mobile and immediately his face fell grim. He sat back.

"Seems like she wants to invite you to her wedding," He said in a voice filled with pain. I did not understand for a second. But the phone was ringing. So I took the call. "Hello..."

"Hello. Arya?" Shruthi's voice came from my phone. "It's Shruthi..."

"Oh...Hey..." My eyes scanned Darshan. He looked away, bitterly.

"Hey... How are you?" Her voice was dipped in honey. She sounded happy too.

"I am fine..." I am not 'fine'.

"So, Listen...it's my wedding. On the 20th this month." She gave me the pace and details. "I will WhatsApp you an invitation card. You please do come okay..." I won't be going anyway. It is in Trivandrum. And the last thing I want is to attend Shruthi's wedding. "Bring Nikhil also." She added, "Hey, can you give me his number so as I can invite him as well..." I was in a fix now. "Oh, by the way.... I heard about Soumya. God, that was so sad, right? Poor thing."

I was glad that she changed the subject. "Yeah," I added. "How is Adwaith doing?" She asked. Again, in a fix. How is Adwaith doing? I felt stupid that I did not know. Adwaith is my friend too, right?

Suddenly Darshan grabbed the phone from my hand. "Are you not going to invite me to your wedding?" He asked. I could faintly hear Shruthi's voice through the phone.

"Darshu?" She asked, sounding troubled.

"How rich is the guy?" Darshan continued, "And how straight is he?"

"Darshu, don't do this...."

"You know what? Fuck you.... FUCK YOU." He screamed at the phone.

"Really. Like you can do that?" Shruthi replied mockingly. "At least my husband is, is straight enough to fuck me properly...." Darshan was still for a moment and then he flung my phone down, across the room. It fell to the restaurant floor. Luckily, there was not much crowd that day. People there did stare though. Darshan was staring at the phone in anger. I was too frozen in sudden shock to react. His anger was frightening. It was my phone he just threw away. But instead of getting angry, I was simply scared. I could not speak immediately.

Darshan calmed down in a second. "Sorry," he told me. He got up and took the phone from the floor. The screen was cracked. "Sorry. I will get you a new one." I took the phone from his hand and checked it. It was still working. "It's working. So it's okay." I told him.

"Can we leave?" he asked. "I don't feel like eating..."

I nodded.

We paid for the food and walked out. I did not really want to leave Darshan alone. He was in a dangerous mental state.

"Let's go to your place," I told him.

"It's night." He said. "Are you sure you want to do that?" He turned to me, with a new light in his eyes. As if asking me if I am suggesting to him that I am willing to have sex with him

"To just hang out," I said. "Nothing more."

His face went plain. "You trust me too much."

"I don't want to leave you alone tonight."

"I am fine." He said, avoiding my eyes.

"Yeah, you should be. I don't know why you should be affected by anything that person says. She is such a horrible person. She is the biggest bitch I have ever seen." I said.

There was a flash of something deadly in Darshan's eyes. "What did you say?" He has never used that tone with me. It took me by surprise. "What?" I asked.

"You called her what?"

Oh...he is upset because I called Shruthi a 'bitch'.

"Because she is...." I mumbled.

Darshan scowled. He looked seriously angry. "If you were not Arya, I would have seriously hurt you...."

"Why are you overreacting?"

"Overreacting? How would you feel if someone calls your Mr Nice Guy that?"

Bad. Angry.... "But that is different. He is..."

"I freaking love Shruthi. Okay....?" Darshan yelled at me. "I know she left me. But she may be better off away from me. And I... I still.... So much..." there were tears in his eyes. And that throw me off so much. He dried his tears. "Shit," he hissed.

I could not react. I never expected Darshan to have these deep feelings for Shruthi. I mean, it is Shruthi.... She just said something nasty to him. And Shruthi is Shruthi. But apparently actually genuinely loved her.

He took the Uber app on his mobile. "I will call you a cab. Go home. I want to be alone for now...." I did not argue with that.

But as the 20th approached, I was getting worried. Darshan had practically vanished. He seldom replied to my text messages and has not come to see me after that. He was hanging out more with his other friends, Zahara and the twins.

On 18th was really worried. He did not reply to any of my messages and would not pick up calls. I decided that I will go to his house that evening. Even if he gets mad at me, it was worth it.

Then, I made the mistake of going on Facebook. I was staying away from Facebook ever since the breakup. I was trying to find Zahara on Facebook because I had told her I will send her a friend request. I found Zahara Ali Hussain and sent her a friend request and was scrolling down my Facebook feeds when I ended up on a photo of Nikhil. It was posted by Sharan. It was a photo of the four boys at Gym – Adwaith, Nikhil, Sharan and Asif. And Nikhil was smiling for the photo. It generated a wave of growling anger inside me. He was smiling....

I wanted to destroy that smile.

Pull him to me and kiss him all over. And everything....

I rang the bell to Darshan's house repeatedly. And banged the door. Zahara had told me that he is not with them and when Tushar called Darshan was home. Darshan opened the door. "Thought it would be you." He said. "I am okay. Leave me alone..."

"Should I?" I asked, he already reeked of alcohol.

Darshan looked unsure. He sighed and walked inside leaving the door open for me. I walked inside. The house was a pigsty again. But I did not care now. What I cared about was him. But first things first.

"I am sorry I spoke badly of Shruthi," I said. "That was insensitive of me."

He shrugged. "I know your history with her." He went back to the table and poured a glass of whiskey. "You want one?" he asked me. I shook my head. He went and sat on the couch.

"You okay?" I asked him.

He was silent.

"Sorry. I never knew that you loved Shruthi so much." I said.

He chuckled cynically.

"I always assumed that...." I went and sat by him, "after Arjun... you would not. I almost felt betrayed when you forgot him so easily and got together with her even before a year passed."

Darshan turned to look at me.

"Forget him?" he asked, shocked.

"I know you won't completely... So I always thought Shruthi meant nothing....." I felt bad saying... Darshan sat back and looked blankly at the wall.

"After Arjun was gone, for the first year, .... I felt crazy. Like I may explode. Like I wanted to kill myself or I will kill someone. The world that went back to its repetitive ordinary days did not make any sense. I was losing myself... and I needed..."

"Distraction..." I mumbled and was surprised at my own answer. This was me before Nikhil Chandran.

"Yeah," Darshan said. "I would have taken anything... But then there was this girl, who, like, came suddenly into my life, and said she liked me. She was trying every way to flirt with me, to talk to me... She...kept me engaged. She...was... she was...." He could not find the word.

"Persistent?"

"...Happy. She was.... happy." Darshan concluded. "I used to wonder how someone can be so happy and innocent and normal." He grabbed his glass tighter. "When I was with her, she... helped me forget. Or more like... I could get lost in her ramble about some random thing that she cared about for some reason. She...made... it seemed like everything was fine."

"She made my life... I don't know, normal. I guess..." Darshan concluded.

Suddenly I fell apart inside. Something sucked the life out of me and I felt like I was suffocating.

"I hope she is happy now," Darshan said. He got up to pour himself another glass.

"Hey," I turned to him, "get me a glass too."

A while later, we sat on the floor near the wall, with a new bottle between us. I swirled the whiskey in my glass looking at the light sparkling on the ice cubes. "Pretty," I mumbled at the glass. Darshan chuckled.

"You know you are pretty cute when you are drunk," he said.

I laughed. I laugh a lot lately. But only when I am drunk or high.

"Why are you not asking me?" He asked after a while.

"What?"

"About what Shruthi said on phone...." He said.

"Because I thought it was none of my business. It's your private matter...."

"Shruthi and I.... were having difficulty in... making love." He mumbled.

"Oh...."

"It's because I was getting high frequently and depressed and stuff. But well she assumed it was because I was completely gay and she is a woman...."

"Was it?" I asked.

"No." he snapped. "I do get attracted to women. And it did work the first few times. I was just a mess after...."

Honestly, I could not care. Because all my thoughts went to all of my sexual experiences and the one guy I had it with. And I was like super aroused all of a sudden. And angry. Extremely, extremely angry.

"Let's have sex," I said out loud.

Darshan chocked on his drink. "What?" he asked.

"We can test if it is working now," I said.

I know I was super drunk and is talking nonsense that I normally would not, would never say out loud.

"Is that a joke?" He asked.

"No... Maybe."

I was not sure. I was not thinking properly. My mind was in a blur. Darshan brushed away a strand of hair from my face, "Don't talk nonsense." He said, affectionately. I blinked at him... He kept my gaze for a long, long time.

"Arya." He called.

"Hm....?" I asked.

"I was thinking...." He said, "I will leave the country. Go somewhere else."

"Where?" I asked.

"Now York," he said. "Zahara's uncle is there. She said he can arrange something for me."

I will miss him if he leaves the country. But maybe another place may be a good change for him. Especially a place like New York.

"And I was thinking..." Darshan continued. Tentatively he took my hand in his... "hm..." He moved his fingers over my fingers, "Will you come with me?"

I... I kept looking at him. I was not shocked. I was surprised, but not totally averse. A bigger city, world...was always a dream for me.

"We can stay together," Darshan grabbed my hand. "The world can go to hell. Just the two of us.... Hm?" He prompted.

I was thinking now. I am not going to go back home anyway. New York, does not seem like a bad idea. "Arya?" Darshan called. I looked up. He was closer now... A lot close. Too close.... We held each other's eyes for a few seconds. And then Darshan closed the space and kissed me.

It was nice... The kiss. Intense. His hands wrapped around me.

I kissed back. My body had been craving for touch and passion for a while now. So I kissed back... But then.... everything was wrong. His arms were too strong. Chest too hard. Stubbles too rough. Lips a bit too plump. Smell the wrong one. Touch the wrong one. Not the one my body is used to.

And then it hit. Nikhil hit like a shock wave.

Nikhil's touch. Nikhil's voice. Nikhil's lips. Nikhil's eyes.

I pushed away. And wiped my lips with disgust.

"What's wrong?" Darshan asked. I must have looked so lost.

I sat back, pulled up my knees and buried my head between my knees.

Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil.

"Arya?" Darshan called.

Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil.

"I am sorry."

He won't come back. He is gone forever. You are alone now. Forever.

"Arya...." He touched my shoulder.

And suddenly, I was crying. So badly. Darshan did not know what to do. He pulled me into a hug. I cried holding on. "Nikhil..." I sobbed to Darshan.

"I know...." He whispered into my ear. "I know.... But that is how it is. That's how life is, Arya...." He patted my back. "Don't cry. Hm?" He wiped my tears. I continued crying. He kissed my tears. My lips again. This time, I just let him kiss me. None of these matters anyway.

Nothing matters as long as Nikhil is gone.

Darshan stopped kissing me and sat back with me in his arms. "At least your guy is not going to get married and sleep with another girl." In two days, he finally said.

The thought of Nikhil touching another girl burned my entire existence. I felt like I will kill myself if that ever happens. Or I will kill him and the girl and then kill myself. I cannot, cannot accept that. Even the thought burned me.

But then I thought that if we are broken up, someday, he will marry someone else. He will marry someone else and sleep with her and be happy. I will never see him again. I kissed Darshan... Nikhil will never ever want me again. Ever. He will not come back. I have lost him forever. I kissed Darshan... Nikhil will not accept me ever. Nikhil will hate me. Nikhil already hates me.

Oh no! What have I done...? How have I messed up things so much?

Why did I not go with Nikhil when he asked? How did I let myself lose him? He is my everything. I will never find happiness without him. I may be free. But I won't be happy.... I will be miserable and die.

This went to a downward spiral.... I was drunk, but it was not making me feel better. It was making me feel worse. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to escape... Destruct. Hated for myself filled in me. Anger toward the world. The need to have control, when everything is out of my control.

I smashed the glass against the floor and grabbed a shard of glass. Darshan grabbed my hand.

"Leave me." I struggled.

"What happened to you so suddenly?" He asked.

"Just leave me...." I took my other hand up to the glass and made a gash over my hand. Blood dripped out to the floor. I hoped I will feel better. But I did not. I wanted to cut more.

"Arya...." Darshan tried to wrestle the glass piece out of my hand. He cut his fingers in the effort.

"I need to," I said.

"Wait.... I will give you something strong. To forget things...." Darshan said.

I looked at him.

"Now don't panic and listen to me carefully, okay?" Darshan said, setting the blade aside. "Remember the stash I had, that we threw away. That time I did not throw away everything. I have more...."

I blinked at him.

"It is strong stuff." He said. "It will help you forget for a while."

He got up went to his room and came back with a plastic pouch and a handkerchief. The plastic pouch was filled with those colourful pills. He handed me the pouch and took my wounded hand in his hand. He began to tie the handkerchief around my cut.

I was looking at the pills.

"They can last up to several hours. SO....if we take now...." Darshan said. Before he finished, I took out a pill and put to my mouth and swallowed it.

Shit.

Shit. Shit... Shit....

Beeeeeeeeepp....

Holly Fuck.....!!!!!

Butterflies. Big Butterflies. Colourful Butterflies.

Funny. Ha hahhahahahahahahahahahahhahahah.....

Bang Bang... Bang.....

When I woke up I was lying on the bathroom floor. And someone was banging on the door. Not the bathroom door. The bathroom door was open. Someone was banging on the house's front door.

My head felt too funny to sit up. I could see through the bathroom door that Darshan stirred awake on the couch and went to open the door clutching his head.

Darshan opened the door. It was Nikhil outside. 

Author's Note : DISCLAIMER: I do not support drug or weed use. It's illegal for a reason. So stay away. Stay safe.