For a while, my life was again pushed back into family drama. But thankfully into Nikhil's family drama than mine. Because the moment I stepped into my house, I went to my room, freshened up, got ready and took an auto here. Now I was sitting listening Nik complain to his father about him being unable to perform as a human being without Amma's support.

Amma just laughed merrily. She asked me to sit with her and took my hand in her hand. She asked me lovingly about my job and life. Even my mother did not treat me with so much affection.

A while later, Amma's friends began to arrive to visit her - A few aunties. I got up politely. And one of them was like "So this is Appu's girl?" Amma proudly introduced me to them. I was feeling really awkward. And Nik had vanished from the room. Papa said he will make tea for the guests, but I jumped at the chance to escape and told him I will make tea. Then everyone was like 'oh such a perfect daughter-in-law already'. That was that.

Anyway, I felt like I had a breather while I was in the kitchen. Alone....

Being around Nik's family was still a bit too overwhelming. They were still too happy, and I still felt like a misfit in that perfect picture of mother, father and son. Did I really belong here???

Nikhil pocked his head in, "You don't have to make tea, you know." He said.

"I know," I replied.

"By the way, the guys are coming. Adi, Asif, Sharan."

"Great. Enjoy..."

He looked at me, doubtfully for a second. And came in. "You are still in this mood?" He was all happy after coming home; after being near his Amma. "I am okay," I did not want to spoil his mood.

"I know you are not," he said, taking my elbow. "I wish I can do something? To cheer you up." He said. He looked concerned and frustrated. This is how people are. When someone is unhappy. They get frustrated. "Should we go for a drive tonight? And dinner?"

"No. You should be with Amma." I said. "I am fine," I turned away to put tea powder into the tea.

"Arya," He called.

"Nikhil..." I heard Sharan's voice from outside. Nik turned around as well. "See the guys are here. Go enjoy," I told him. He turned to me. "You come too. They are your friends too."

"Yeah, I will come later. After I finish making tea."

His eyes flickered at me. As if he is reading me, understanding that I really want to be left alone right now. And I could sense that he doesn't like this part of me. Me who won't perk up in a crowd, play my role, act happy for the sake of it.

I was just not in the mood. I was mentally exhausted.

"Go," I told him. He turned around and went away. I continued making tea and added a few more cups for the guys. I still felt like crying. But I was still unable to cry since yesterday. It was getting too suffocating.

Adi was fidgeting with his phone, texting rapidly. He appeared frustrated. I remembered how he mentioned problems with Soumya. I had assumed they would have been because of the long distance. But now they are together in one city again. Things should be fine now...

"Can you excuse me?" He told Sharan, Asif and me and got up and walked off to the balcony. I could hear him talk on the phone, or rather fight on phone. "God, don't start again..." "I told you already. "No..." "Don't you dare come here..."

I looked at the other two guys confused.

"They are like this these days," Sharan explained. "Just don't bother..."

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Because the startup business is not going so well," Asif said looking towards the balcony.

"So? Why are they fighting over the business...?" Asif and Sharan had no answer for me. Adi instead came out of the balcony quickly and ran down the stairs. That was rather odd. So, I walked down following him. The falling bell rang suddenly, and Adi went and opened it and I found Soumya outside. That was unusual. She has never ever come to my house. I did not even know she knows where my house is.

"I told you not to come here," I have never seen Adi so angry.

"I did not come to see you," Soumya said, "I came to see Nikhil. Hey, Nikhil..."

I was too perplexed to react. But Adi pulled her out to the verandah by her elbow. "I told you I am not doing it. And you can't do this."

"What's going on?" I asked confused.

"I will talk to him," Soumya said.

"No, you won't..." Adi pulled her hand.

"What? He is my friend too...? Right, Nikhil?" Soumya turned to me, "We are friends, right?"

"Yeah," I said, still confused at the situation.

"Great, I have a favour to ask."

"Soumya, please..." Adi pulled her hand and hissed strictly.

"No," I said, "Let her talk," I told Adi.

"Can you ask your father to consider investing in our start-up?" Soumya asked. "We are falling short on investors."

That was all? That's what this was about? "Yeah, okay," I said, relieved that it was not something too serious. I mean, an investment - that was simple. I mean, not that simple...

"Nik, bro... Trust me, this is not me. This is all her." Adi turned to me, "Trust me, I don't want to. This is not... I mean..." Now, I have never seen Adi this nervous and embarrassed. Now I get it. He did not want to involve money between our friendship. Most people do not want to involve money between friends. And that has its reasons. But... if he is struggling and I or my papa can help, I feel like I would want to help.

"Hey, it's no big deal, da... I can talk to Papa. And he invests in things at times." I said. But Adi seemed like he does not want money favours from me. He seemed really angry with Soumya.

"I just wanted to help you," Soumya added to him.

Adi looked around and then turned to me. "Eh... I will leave now. Will drop Soumya home and just..." He seemed not to be in a mood to be around people. I understood. I nodded. "Convey my regards to aunty." He added.

"Yeah... I will ask papa to call you..." I said.

"Wait, is Arya here?" Soumya asked.

"Yeah."

"Oh.... Can I meet her? It's been such a long time since I saw her..."

"Yeah, come on in..." Adi looked pissed at even that. As Soumya walked in, I gently tapped his stomach. "Let it go, man..."

"You don't understand how frustrating it is.... Constant fights...."

As Arya came out of the kitchen I said, "Trust me, I know..."

"You guys have been fighting too?" He asked me.

A fight would have been way better. We have had fights. Yelling and anger. Those were not frightening; this silence was kind of terrifying. This avoiding of actual main topics was kind of like risky.

It was nice seeing Soumya. She occasionally messaged me but I was seeing her for the first time in two years. We two sat outside in the garden while the boys again went up to Nikhil's room. She seemed sad somehow. "Adi's start-up is struggling a bit..." She mentioned.

Earlier in our college days, Soumya was always so confident and almost always happy that this seemed so unlikely of her. "How are you and Nik?" She asked...

"We are okay...." I said.

"What is 'okay'. Don't tell me you guys are having problems too..." She turned to me. "I would be devastated if another couple is having problems too."

"It's not that bad," I said. We almost had sex the other day. But well then he did not touch me at all on the bus. What kind of a guy can just go to sleep and not touch your girl when she is near him, for a whole night?? I felt kind of rejected. What the hell is going inside Nik's head?

Adi still looked stressed as he gazed down standing at the balcony. We could see Arya and Soumya in the back garden. Actually, Arya looked really nice today. I was consciously staying away from her physically.

The almost sex thing was great, terrific. So much so that I could not get that out of my mind. But then again, something was off. I don't know, after it was over, I was not sure of the rightness of the reasons and circumstances under which it happened. I mean, if we have had sex that time, I can never get over the fact that Darshan was what we had talked about before we stumbled into it. And so I was kind of glad afterwards that we did not actually have sex. I did not want Darshan to be the reason we do anything. Let alone the first time.

I actually don't want him between us at all, don't want him to be in Arya's life. But the reason I kissed her like that, so hungrily that day, was because of Darshan. Because I wanted to say that she is mine...

But whatever the reasons were, the thought of that afternoon sent shivers down my spine. I wanted that back, wanted Arya that close to me again. But... I don't know. Not now. Not like this.

All the wrong reasons lay between us right now.

I did not want to lay a finger on her as long as this Darshan thing was going on. Let her sort it out first. Come out of it. I will be there for her. But no, no sex. Sex can wait. And that is why I thought I needed to stay away from her on the bus. If we touched, I was not sure I would not have been able to control myself. And the bus was certainly not the right place for the first time.

"Oye...." Sharan came out of my room. "Are you guys going to be like this? After calling us here... I even had news. I was waiting till all four of us are here to tell that." Adi and I gave up our brooding and walked into the room.

"What's the news?" I asked.

Now Sharan looked really shy... "Eh..."

"What?" I asked again, annoyed that he is being shy. Not thinking that anything that he has got to say is not worth this build-up.

"He is got a girl," Asif said.

That took away all my prejudgments. "What?" Adi and I barked.

"I am talking to this girl," Sharan said. "It's nothing yet." He said. "We are just texting and talking and stuff."

"Who is it?" I asked, happy for him.

"This girl in my neighbourhood." He said. "She rides the bus with me every morning."

"But you have a bike," Adi said.

"Yeah," He said.

"So why bus?"

"Well the bike was in the workshop for a week and, then she was on the bus. Now I commute by bus." He said. We all laughed.... We all gathered around him to know more details. The girl was 20 years old. I said that is cradle robbery. Sharan said 3 years difference is not cradle robbery. Her name was Aishwarya. And showed her Facebook profile. A typical Malayali girl with long curly hair.

"Adi," Soumya had come up. And we showed Arya and Soumya the girl. Soumya commented that the girl is cute. We teased Sharan about his girl.

Sharan was blushing so hard. It was too cute. Adi and Soumya, and the guys left after a while. Arya stayed though... She sat with Amma the whole evening and ate dinner with us. Arya was smiling on the surface but looked miles away.

After dinner, I saw Arya and Papa trying to convince each other why they should be the one washing dishes. Arya was 'papa go be with Amma', and papa was like 'I can't let you wash dishes, mole...' He saw me and yelled at me for Arya's behaviour as if it is my fault.

"See how she is insisting on washing dishes..." He said, "tell her she should not... She is not even our daughter-in-law yet. And even when she becomes our daughter-in-law, she does not need to do all this." He said. "And it's too late. Go get her home" he told me.

Yeah. It was past 9 pm.

"Come, I will drop you," I went to Arya. "Papa, car key?"

"It's on the table."

I nodded. "Come," I had to tell Arya once more.

Arya was silent in the car ride back. I looked at her. She probably does not want to go home. But I did not know what to say to that. I mean, it is her home. I also wish if she could just sleep at my house, but that is not how things work, right?

So instead I turned on the music. She just looked annoyed. "Sorry," I mumbled and turned it off. She sat looking outside the window. Silence...

Heavy...

So much disconnect. So much...distance.

I stopped the car in front of her house and turned to her, "Shall we do something tomorrow?" I asked. "Watch a Malayalam movie or how about going to the beach?" She hesitated, "don't tell me to stay with Amma. Amma is important to me, but you are my priority too." She smiled a smile that did not reach her eyes. She looked tired.

"Da... I..." I did not know what to do for her. "I am sorry if I forced you to come home. I can't watch you like this. So let me do something."

I did not want to have this talk right now. He did force me to come. I did not want to come... I could not be honest with him right now, look into his eyes and say I am totally okay. I just wanted to go in and take rest. "Nik, I am tired. I will just go in." I said. But he looked more lost. I turned to open the car door.

"Wait..." he called. I turned around. Unexpectedly, he took me into a hug. "I love you." He whispered. I smiled softly in the hug, "Love you too," I said.

Earlier, I used to think, having love is enough. That if you have love between two people, they will be happy. But being with Arya had always made me give up my older, simpler thoughts. Love and relationship were not so simple. It was layers and layers of complexity.

I sighed in her arms. A big sigh. Why is life so difficult?

I wish I could stay in his arms and not go inside. At all. But Nick drew back. "So what should we do tomorrow?" he asked.

"Anything you want..." I told him. I was okay as long as I don't need to sit at home. He pushed back my hair and took my hand in his. I slightly winced.

I noticed that there was a burn mark on her palm. A red straight line. "What happened?" I asked. She took her hand out of my clutch. "Just... burned myself. While making tea."

"Sh... Show me. Can't you guys be careful? You and amma... God," He looked into my burn as if it is hurting him. I wondered what will he say or think if he knew I did it on purpose... I pulled my hand away in guilt. "It's okay. Just a tiny burn. Eh... Good night then." I opened the car.

"I will see you in," He jumped out. I looked at him. "Hm... it's vice versa. I have my duties towards your parents too."

"You don't have to."

"Eh... I need to remain in their good books. So come on..."

"No, come in tomorrow morning. When you come to pick me up. It's too late today. And I am too tired for more family drama."

"Are you sure?" He asked. I nodded.

"Good night then," he said.

"Bye."

I communicated the bare minimum with amma and went into my room. It was fine. I just need to remain here. And sleep early. Everything is fine.

Is it though??

I lay down to sleep. Thinking I can force myself to fall asleep. It was just 10.45 pm. But I had got very little sleep last night on the bus. Somebody did sleep very sound though. I still could not get the 'how could he' thoughts out of my head, but...whatever. I did not care right now.

I just lay awake for a while and, just when I was somewhat sleepy my mobile beeped. I did not check it. But it kept blinking. Finally frustrated, I took it from beside my pillow.

Darshan: Hey

Darshan: Arya...

Darshan: Come on, u r there, rit?

I checked the time. It was 11.56. Almost midnight. I was not sure if this was an appropriate time for chatting with him. Especially after Nikhil's concerns about Darshan.

Darshan: Hey...

Okay, now he saw that I have seen his messages

Darshan: Arya??

He seems quite persistent. Should I tell him it's quite late. But then.... I don't know.

Arya: Hey...

Darshan: Hey... Sup?

Arya: Nothing. U?

Darshan: Listen I am kinda drunk. So I may say something stupid...

Oh... Drunk too... Okay...

Darshan: But I really wanted to talk to u...

Arya: Hm... okay.

Darshan: Is it okay? It's quite late, rit?

Arya: Yeah. But it's okay, I guess.

Darshan: Great

Deep inside, I felt like I am crossing some line, betraying Nikhil in some tiny way.

Darshan: U r home, rit?

Arya: Yeah

Darshan: Howz home?

Arya: Fine... I guess...

Darshan: Howz uncle aunty?

Arya: Fine.

I don't like this topic.

Darshan: Listen, u know those unniyappams ur mom makes. Can you get some of those for me?

Arya: No. Sorry.

Darshan: What?

Darshan: Y???

Arya: Bcoz I would have to ask her to make some.

Darshan: Then just ask her.

Arya: No.

Darshan: Oh, yeah... U hate unniyappam.

Arya: Yup.

Darshan: U hate your mom's ones more.

Arya: Yup

Darshan: How can u hate them? Ur moms ones are so soft. So soft... The best in the world.

Arya: Sorry.

Darshan: Anyway, even then... can't u bring some? I am craving 4 them so badly.

Arya: No.

Darshan: Oh, come on... I have not eaten anything in the past 2 days. U Brutus.

Arya: No. Nice try.

Arya: Wait. R u serious? Did u really not eat anything in the past 2 days?

Arya: Darshan...?

Arya: Darshan are you okay?

Arya: Where r u? Home? Outside?

Arya: Hello?

No reply. And like that, he just disappeared. And stopped seeing my texts. Should I call back? Did he really not eat anything for two days... I was kind of concerned. I called on his number. And waited while the ring went. But ultimately he did not pick up. I was more worried. What happened? He was drunk. Did he pass out somewhere? Is he okay?

I called again, just so as I can make sure he is okay. I mean... I won't be able to sleep thinking that he is passed out on the roadside or something. But he again did not pick up. I seriously could not do anything more than this. I don't know any of his friends or don't know where he maybe.

So I decided I will just call or text him the next morning. Hopefully, he will be okay.

The next day, I sat on the kitchen counter eating dosa made by Amma. Honestly, I could kind of understand Darshan's craving for Amma's 'unniappam'. I missed Amma's food. So much so that I wanted to rush back home when I had to eat the watery sambaar of canteens. But even Amma's best sambar was not worth coming back.

I hesitated, "Can you make some unniappam?"

She turned to me confused, "you hate them. People say children learn to love everything their mother makes after living outside or in a hostel. Did that miracle happen to you?"

If I say yes, I will have to eat those unniappams she makes. "It's not for me. Nikhil...likes uniappams in general. So I thought he should eat yours..."

Amma gave me a funny look. "What?" I asked her.

"How is his mother?" She asked, pouring a spoonful of dosa batter on.

"It's a leg fracture. Will take time to heal." I thought again, "shouldn't you visit her?"

"I was thinking I would. I talked to your Achan about it."

I nodded. "Nikhil and I are going out today. He will come to pick me."

"Okay," she said. "Will you be gone the whole day like yesterday?"

"Probably..."

Amma was acting all mopy. "What?" I snapped again.

"You came home when his mother got hurt," Amma said. "I have asked you to come home a hundred times. You don't. Even when I had a fever last time. And now that Nikhil's mother is injured you rush back. It is like you already belong to that family."

"So?" I was going to be totally cold about this.

"So... you are not even married into that family yet and you behave like this. Then after marriage, you will forget us for sure."

I just continued eating. Amma glared at me. I hate this more. The fact that she behaved so normally with me after what happened. After the marriage was fixed, after I left for Bangalore, she was like that incident did never happened. Or it was so much of a normal thing for her that nothing needed to be changed. I was sick of this now.

I looked up, "Well they have not hit me ever. Or treated me like dirt. So... don't you think that is natural? I mean, who have I got here in this house?"

I saw pain and shock in Amma's eyes. And I liked that.

I set the plate down, and thankfully Sharath chettan came as a distraction. "Hey, Arya kutti..." He said coming in. "Hey," I said, "How come you are here, chetta?"

"I needed to do some paperwork for ammavan... Heard you came. How are you?"

"Fine."

"And your guy?"

"Fine as well. He may come here today..."

"Oh really? Then I should stay and see him before I leave. I could not talk to him properly last time... Seems like a nice guy, huh?" I just gave a smile. "and I never expected our Arya kutti to have a 'line'. I need a full account... Like how did it all start and all? Full story."

"What do I do? I saved him from getting stabbed and he fell for me..."

"So he pursued you?" Sharath chettan asked. "Like in the end, you had to agree?"

Well not exactly, but that is what usually happens... And I did not expect him to understand the details. So I just nodded. No details needed. "But it works out very well. Have to compliment you," Sharath Chettan said, "you caught a rich one"

I frowned. Well, this is why it works better if they think that I had to ultimately, without any other option had to crumble into Nikhil's love request. No one would like it if they knew I had a fair idea of how rich he was and how much of an advantage that will bring me.

I mean, my family, the extended one filled with relatives and all did not hate the fact that Nikhil and his family are rich. Some are jealous, yeah... some whisper behind our backs saying 'look at the girl's luck... do they even deserve such a family...? It's the girl's luck, how else they will ever get a proposal like that? In a normal way will they ever get...? with Arjun's thing and all...?'. That is the usual talk.

I walked back into the kitchen when Sharath Chettan went to talk with my father. Amma was sitting down, with her head held down. She was unusually quiet. I looked at her and went to drink water.

"Is that why you did not come home?" she finally asked me. I looked at her again, "be-because I hit you?" I did not reply. Then I saw that Amma had tears in her eyes. "I... It was so long ago... I agree that Nikhil is a nice kid. We ourself must not have found you any better."

"Good that you know it now," I said.

She looked like she was struggling to say something. "In that situation... Anyone would have." She mumbled.

"Would they have?"

"You lied to us.... You brought us shame."

I have had enough of this bullshit. So I began to walk away...

"I have regretted it..." She called after me. I turned back, "I mean... Nikhil is a nice boy. So..."

I did not care anymore. Nor did I want this confrontation.

"You are all we have," She said, sobbing. "After Arjun, you are all we have," She said. I did not stop. "I am sorry," she finally sobbed.

I turned back. I did not really understand the concept of apologies then. I mean, the apology did not make the past go away. The fact remains that when I told her I had a boyfriend she hit me. Treated me horribly.

Respect is either something you either have or not. That day I realised that I did not have respect in this house. And I knew my mother loved me. She was always and still genuinely concerned about me and my wellbeing. Still respect as a human being is something you either have or not. Some actions once done cannot be undone. The apology did not make the insult I suffered to go away. The moment her hand landed on me painfully, our relationship as mother and daughter was permanently changed. Her apology could never seal the crack that had formed between us. Those days, when my parents hit me for their selfish reasons, were permanently printed in my brain. I cannot pretend that did not happen and smile at them anymore.

So I simply walked away.

Nikhil proved my point when he arrived on his dad's Audi. Sharath Chettan was awestruck. He fussed around the car, asked if he can try driving it (Nikhil let him) and finally he even made me take photos of him along with the car.

Nikhil was greeted by my parents well. More by Amma than by Achan. Amma still looked shaken but she went out of her way to look okay for her son-in-law. She was all over him, asking how his mother is now, and serving him tea and snacks. Achan just sat in the living room; staring at him. Thankfully Nikhil was not uncomfortable, because Sharath Chettan kept asking him questions about work and life.

Things began to get bad when Sharath Chettan said he should leave, and amma asked him to stay for lunch, and then asked Nikhil to stay for lunch as well. Then Achan cleared his throat. "He should not eat here," Achan said.

I looked at him. Everybody did.

"Well, he is not supposed to," Achan said. "It is against the custom to eat a meal at the bride's house before marriage."

"Ay, that's okay... Ammava (uncle)..." Sarath Chetan intervened. "I mean, nobody follows the tradition anymore. And Nikhil is here. He can have lunch."

"Well, he should not even be hanging out here," Achan grunted. "So casual... But then what can I expect." He just got up, "You all do whatever you want to do. I am no part of this."

"Eh... I can leave." Nikhil said, "there is no need for me to stay for lunch. We had planned to eat lunch outside anyway." There was something in his voice that I have never heard before. Some confusion and pain from being treated like he was something unwanted. It rose a range inside me.

He was staring at my father with hopeful eyes as if he wants him to turn around and hug him and accept him.

"No, no, stay if you want," Achan told him. "You all do your ways anyway." There was something so unpleasant about the way my father did not look Nikhil in his eyes and acted as if he is something he does not want in his life or house. "But I would like to add one thing. Get Arya home before dark. Not like yesterday. You don't hang out so late even if you are betrothed for marriage. I don't want people talking."

The air in the room had gone really tense and uncomfortable.

"Do you get me?" Achan repeated.

"Yes, sir," Nikhil mumbled with respect. "I will get her home before it is dark." I hated, hated the way he looked so small in front of my father and sounded so lost.

"Good, and also one more thing. We need to visit your mother... We can come tomorrow. So inform your parents about it, will you?"

"Okay, sir," Nikhil said.

"He has a name, you know..." I found myself saying. Everybody looked at me. I had noticed that my father refused to take Nikhil's name. Or call him, 'son'. Or show any sort of acknowledgement towards him. He was treating him like an intruder. "Call him by his name."

"Hey, it's okay..." Nikhil whispered to me.

"No. It's not." I yelled at him. "They can treat me like dirt. Not you. I would not tolerate that." I turned to my dad, "Why don't you like him?" I asked, "I mean, You wanted a guy for me. He is everything 'you' wanted. Same cast, rich even... What is wrong with you for treating him like this?"

"Hey, calm down" Nikhil stepped closer to me. "It's okay."

"It's not okay." I snapped at him. "Look at yourself, begging for his approval. You need not be begging. I mean, you were the perfect son-in-law material that I crafted for them," I turned to my dad, "I would not be with him if he did not fit into all of those criteria that you wanted. Yet what is so dissatisfying about him that you are still not happy?"

What? Something did not feel right about what she just said...

Achan looked down and took a deep breath and looked up at me. "You brought shame to me because of him." I was confused for a second and then I understood. "You mean the bride viewing ceremony when I refused to get married."

"Yes," Achan said, grim," I had to beg in front of those people. All because of him," He hissed.

"It's not because of him," I said. "I had refused to get married. I asked you a hundred times not to bring them."

"Yes. Because of him."

"No," I said. How the hell am I supposed to make them see? These people are so blind... And I hate them so much for being this foolishly blind. So pathetically caught up in their own world. Not seeing me. I was done being misunderstood over and over again. I hated them. I hated them more than anything in this world.

I want to win.

"Actually you know what... Nikhil would not have existed if you two did not force me to get married. If there was no marriage talk from the beginning itself, then I had no use for him. I would not have given him my phone number, forced myself to talk to him when I didn't really want to talk to anybody. I did it because of you. Because I needed an escape route. Because you were trapping me inside things that I did not want."

Now I was in tears. And I hated that.

"I gave you your perfect son-in-law... Yet you hate him for all the wrong reasons." I turned to my Amma, "You regret hitting me because he is perfect. I wonder if you would have regretted if he was not. God knows what would it be like if his religion or cast was different or he was less rich, or less educated... Would you really have regretted hitting me?"

I wiped my tears away. Both my parents were looking like I had hit them with a stone. Amma was in tears again. Sharath Chettan's mouth hung open.

"You know what..." I said, "I am done with you two. Done with this house." It was rhetorical. It's not like anybody cares.

"I did tell you I am sorry I hit you," Amma said as if accusing me. "What more do you want?"

"Oh yeah. Go tell Arjun sorry for hitting him," I said, coldly, knowing this was the worst thing I can tell my mother, "maybe he will forgive you and come back."

Sharath Chettan made an 'sss' sound. Amma stared at me like she cannot believe me. Achan still looked like he was made out of stone and had no emotions. I grabbed Nikhil's hand and turned around, "Let's go," I said.

He and I walked outside. He silently opened the car door for me and I got in. He came around and started the car and drove.

I sat silent. But it was like there was a tornado going on inside me. I was furious. About everything, and everyone. I wanted to scream, I wanted to punch something. I wanted to hurt everyone. I wanted the power to destroy the world. Or at least my parents.

Plunge a knife through my father and enjoy it. Watch his blood bleed down and smile and laugh hysterically. I wanted to kill him over and over again in all of the painful ways possible. And Amma.... Amma.... I still loved her. So...

I brought my knees up and buried my head in there.

God Amma...

Why do I have to lose her as well?

After Arjun, she was the only one left. But now everything is gone. Everything is broken... I have no family. It's so messed up.

Tears threatened to come. But before they could, the numbness covered me. And I shook in the effects. I wanted to scream. So badly. Just scream in the top of my voice.

But... I clearly cannot.

"Stop the car," I whispered.

He did not.

"Stop the car," I looked up.

"Hm?" Nikhil turned to me as if he did not hear me the first time. He looked so shaken as well. That is when I realised that I had yelled out my secret about him. And the poor boy looked so confused and broken. But I did not want to deal with that right now.

"Sorry, can you please stop the car?" I asked more politely. "I don't feel so well."

"Sure," he said, slowly pulling around.

I stepped out of the car. Trying to hold in a scream was difficult. So I tried to take long breathes, to make the feeling go away. Nikhil came around. "Are you okay?" he asked, his voice sounding feeble. "Do you need anything? Water?"

I shook my head.

He stayed by me silently, not touching, just a couple of feet away.

After a few minutes, I felt okay enough to be in the car again. I turned around. "Where are we going?" I asked him.

"I don't know. Where do you want to go?" He asked.

I don't know... "Hm..." I felt lost. "I want to be alone," I finally mumbled.

Nikhil nodded. "Come," he said.

We got back in the car. And he drove me to his house. I looked at him confused. "You won't be bothered," he promised.

Amma was sitting in the living room when we walked in. She looked up. "Eh... I will explain to you later." I told her and led Arya upstairs. I opened the guest bedroom.

"Okay?" I asked her. She nodded.

"Come find me when you feel better," I told her.

She nodded again.

I nodded and closed the door, and walked back downstairs, ignored Amma and went to the kitchen and drank a glass full of water.

WHAT THE HELL...

Now that I was there, alone, able to process everything, tears stung my eyes. I gulped, rubbed my eyes to get rid of them, but they still came. And I did not want to stop them now. I sat down on the bare floor. Letting them come.

"Appu..." Amma called from the living room. She could not walk without help. And she must be worried. "Just a minute, amma" I called out to her. I took a moment to dry my tears and compose myself. I don't care about the start, I tried to tell myself. I don't care how it started. It does not matter anymore. Now we were together. She loves me now.

But still, something hurt. Still, I felt like taking one more minute to sit there and cry. Or take a day more, and try to convince myself that it really did not matter to me. Make her tell me that it does not matter. Ask her more about it.

Avoid it... some voice spoke inside. You will get hurt.

"Appu," Amma called again.

It really does not matter, I told myself again strongly. Arya and I are going to get married and we will live our lives together. So it really does not matter how or why it started. I bit onto my lips, and wiped my tears fully, washed my face in the kitchen sink and walked back into the living room to Amma.

"What happened?" She asked, concerned, "you two were going out today, right? What happened? Why did Arya go up...?"

"She fought with her parents..."

"Again? Why?"

"Eh..." I did not want to tell her those details... "It will be okay. Just give her a moment."