"There is still time," I told Arya, while I was getting on the bus to Trivandrum. "I mean, there is again a bus at 11."

"Have a nice trip,"

"So really won't come."

"Told you already," There was a laugh in that.

"Even if we can like cuddle together on the sleeper bus."

"That's a tempting offer but, no.... Bye, Appu."

I smiled and got up to my single sleeper bed on the bus. And I could not help notice a married couple in the double sleeper opposite me. Seeing me notice them, the guy closed the curtains of it. I was so damn jealous....

The night sky and moon was so beautiful as well. I took a photo of it and sent it to Arya.

Night sky photo and he said 'wish I had you in my arms'. That made me regret the decision so much. And the night sky picture was reminding me a lot of the first-ever text Nikhil sent to me. Maybe next time I should go with him... Just for the bus journey.

But....home....

I have not gone home much for the last two years. Only for Onam. Because Amma was almost on the verge of tears. But I did not want to go home. I had no home. This was my home... Or not... Nikhil was my home. It made me miss him more and wish if I had gone with him. Why did he have to go alone? Why can't he just stay?? I sighed.

I was in the living room of the flat, so Samatha noticed my sigh. She was my flatmate. A peppy Christian girl from Kochi. A year younger than us and just moved into the flat recently. "What happened?" She asked.

"Nothing. Nik's gone for the weekend." I said. "So..."

"We should do something," she said. "I mean, have some fun. It's Bangalore after all." Ann and others were coming in too. "Come on, who is all with me?" She asked. "Girls night. Tomorrow. We go to a club."

"Club?" I asked.

"Yeah, it will be fun?" She said. Sounded good.

"Club?" I felt uneasy. "Ehm..." I looked around at the guys. I was at Adi's terrace. Adi's MBA has just got finished. He had found himself a job in one of the top companies in India in campus recruitment. But he dared to turn down the job and come home because of the start-up plan he has had for a while. Asif and Sharan were working in Trivandrum itself. So, it was only me who was out of the city now.

Since I had arrived in the morning, and Amma has enough time to feed me till I burst. So I rushed to hang out with my friends.

"What are you wearing?" I whispered to the phone, standing at the corner of the terrace. The guys were busy making drinks.

"Samatha lent me one of her dresses. I was about to wear jeans, but she lent me the dress. It looks good on me..."

Then why am I not the first and only one to see it...? Damn it. "Will you dance and all?" I asked.

"Maybe," she said. The Indian boyfriend part of me wanted to be there with her, so no other guy try to flirt with her. But there was this other side which made me feel relaxed because I trusted her. "Send me your picture." I said, "Okay,"She laughed and we hung up the call.

I went and sat by Adi, but I kept checking my mobile.

Nikhil: Call me if something goes wrong

Nikhil: If some guy hit on you tell them you are engaged,

Nikhil: or married, tell them you are married.

Nikhil: You are not drinking, are you?

Nikhil: Are you having fun?

Nikhil: I miss you... Call me....

Nikhil: You know Adi is a fucking genius. He came fourth in his class. And he studies in fucking IIM.

Nikhil: Asif asked about you. He still hates you. Sorry. I told him you are nice.

Nikhil: I like you touching me. I don't hate it, you know that, right? I really like it.

He is drunk. I said, looking at my phone. I could understand that from a text message now. He is definitely drunk. Nik was going to hang out with the guys today. So yeah, definitely drunk. A lot drunk... I sighed and set my phone away. There was no use in calling him or texting him back. That can be saved for the next morning.

I was tired because of dancing as well. I did not know that I could dance. Or be happy. I mean, I still felt like I was doing something wrong by being happy. But once we got into the club, Samanta pulled me into the dance floor. The light was dim, and the music was loud. Samanta and Ann began to jump around. I could feel myself moving to the tune. Samanta said I was being to shy. She pulled me to a seat, and we ordered drinks. I was apprehensive.

"What is this?" I asked her, looking at the big brown drink in a big giant glass. It did not look like beer.

"Heaven on earth," Samanta said. "Or more like the drink that will seriously fuck you up. Try it..."

I tried it. It burned me. But it was not that bad. So I gulped it in. "You like it," Samantha asked me. I nodded. "It's called LIT, Long Island Tea. The best cocktail ever."

After half a jar of LIT was in me, surprisingly I was much more open to dancing. It was like, something was taken away... I did not have that consciousness that people are watching me. So we danced and I drank a bit more.

I was happy for some reason.

I set my head against the table and smiled.

"I like this," I said to Samanta and Ann, "being drunk..."

They smiled.

But then somebody screamed from the other corner. There was the sound of breaking glass. I turned around. There was some commotion going on near the bar. People scattered away. I stood up. The girls also stood up and tugged on my arm, "let's go.... Get out of here."

I did not move, though. I looked at the centre of the crowd. A guy was standing with a broken bottle in his hand, threatening to stab the barman. "Arya," Ann called me. The tip of the green glass bottle in the guy's hand gleamed in the light.

"Don't move," the guy told the barman, "I will kill you, I really will..." That voice. I knew that voice. Even if I could not see his face, I knew who it was. I walked forward. "Arya," the girls called me frantic.

I pushed through the crowd and reached him. "Darshan," I called. He swiftly turned to look at me. He looked ragged. Unkept hair, big beard, open shirt... Visibly drunk and shaken. How can there be a coincidence like this? But then this is Bangalore's hottest club. It's indeed a small world.

"Drop the bottle," I told him.

"Arya." He mumbled my name.

"Drop the bottle," I said, "whatever the case is..." I moved closer to him.

"It's dangerous," someone from the crowd yelled.

He won't hurt me. He cannot hurt me. Even if he does, it's just a sharp object. I still had the scar on my right hand.

I stood close enough to touch Darshan's arm, "leave it, hm?" I placed my hand over his. He dropped the bottle, at once, and a tear fell from his eyes. I patted his arm. "Good," I said. He came closer and hugged me. "Arya," he said.

He smelled horrible. And no guy has ever hugged me other than Nikhil. Darshan felt five times stronger than Nikhil. Taller, broader, muscular. But he buried himself in my shoulder and held on. And I could not push him off. I put my arm around him and rubbed his back.

He wept like a kid.

The next morning I woke up on Adi's terrace. And the first thing I did was grab my mobile. Why the hell did I get so drunk...? I checked if Arya called or texted and then I saw my last text message to her. Oh, God!

Adi woke up and looked at me. I was hitting myself with my phone. "What happened?"

"I drunk texted Arya," I told him. "You should have stopped me."

"What did you text?"

"Something embarrassing," I said. Adi blinked at me for a few seconds. "Well, I don't have time for your relationship problems. I have enough of mine." He kicked the other guys to wake up and went to make tea.

I followed him. "What do you mean enough of yours?"

Now that I notice, Adi was looking a bit down since yesterday. "Is something wrong? Is it long-distance affecting you guys?" I asked. Because Soumya was here, studying MBA at a local college.

Adi rubbed his eyes, looking more tensed, "Ah... I don't know. Don't ask me." He just loudly sighed and checked his mobile, realising there was no call from Soumya. Speaking of that, there was no missed call from Arya either.

Speaking of that. I walked off and called Arya, thinking I should apologise for drunk texting. She did not pick up. Huh? I called again.... Not picking up again???

I kept trying for an hour. I was convinced something went wrong last night. She was attacked... or someone kidnapped her...

I reached back home around 11 am in the morning. And only when I put my phone to charging, I noticed that I had 34 missed calls from Nikhil. And 20 messages.

I called him. He picked up on the first ring. "Where the hell were you?" He yelled.

"Why are you angry?"

"Why can't you pick up your phone?"

"Eh...."

Last night the police had come after that. They arrested Darshan for causing the ruckus and using a broken bottle as a weapon. The girls wanted to leave. But he was looking at me with such depressed eyes that I went with him and the police, alone. I talked for him at the station. Said he was just drunk. They let him go by the morning because he did not have any previous record.

We walked out of the police station, and he thanked me. And began to stagger. I thought maybe I should just send him till his house. I mean, what if he does not go home and cause some trouble again.

So we caught an auto. He was silent the whole way. It was unlike the Darshan I knew. We reached his house. He lived alone. I saw that he went in. But then he stopped and came back to me.

"I am sorry for killing your brother," he said.

At that time, I could not tell him that he did not kill my brother. He was gone before I could tell him that.

But now when I sit there in my own room, I wished I could have told Darshan that. "Hey..." Nikhil demanded. "Where were you?"

"I.... I was sleeping," I lied... "Last night, I may have drunk a bit too much."

"Oh." He said.

"You did too, apparently. I saw your text."

"Ah... about that."

"I am really glad I got to know that."

"Eh... I will call you later." He hung up, shy. I laughed. But my mind stayed on Darshan. And it stayed on Darshan for the whole weekend.

On Tuesday, I found Darshan outside my office. He looked better and clean. "Hey," he greeted me in the lobby. "I didn't know where else to find you," he said. I nodded.

"How are you now?" I asked.

"I... don't really know." He said. "Look, I am not being a dick. But right now, I don't have anyone else to talk to about....everything."

I nodded. "I wanted to talk to you as well," I said. "Let's go somewhere?" I asked. He nodded.

I sat across Darshan at a café near my office. He was not meeting my eyes and kept playing with his phone. "What happened with Shruthi?" I asked. He did not reply and just sighed. "You know it was wrong to hide things about you from her," I said. I am no one to say though, I thought about Nikhil.

"I know," He said, "I know that. But...."

"But...?"

"I thought it will go away."

"What?"

"Everything..... The past, what happened.... If I just avoid it. Push them back. Not think about that, not think about...." He paused for a second, "...him."

I know that feeling. The numbness. The thought that it may get better if you lock it down somewhere and avoid it.

"So...I wanted to try being straight. With Sruthi." He said. "Thought if I do that... thought if I keep him away.... Everything will be okay."

Yeah. Was Shruthi his Nikhil? But I know it won't work. Nikhil doesn't keep Arjun away. Arjun is there. Always.

"He did not die because of you," I said. "I wanted to tell you that."

"Really? You believe that?" Darshan almost scorned. "If I had not come around that idiot would not even have known he is gay."

The way Darshan said 'that idiot' was still so affectionate that it broke my heart. It broke my heart to look at Darshan. Or more like the shell of Darshan. Because the Darshan I knew was so energetic and lively. This was just....a shadow of him. Arjun's death had changed more than one person. Even I was normal before his death.

Two people who were affected by Arjun's death the most avoided each other for six years, and now we were sitting in front of each other.

"I mean, you were not the only one who killed Arjun," I said. "I did too," I spoke it out for the first time. I had not even told Nikhil about this, and maybe I never will and never can. He won't understand.

"He.... He said he wanted to die." I mumbled, "He told me, just a few minutes before he did it, maybe. I went to call him for dinner. He was crying. He asked me to leave him alone since he felt like killing himself. I left him alone."

I could see a flicker in Darshan's eyes. Anger. Maybe even bigger.... "What?" He asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I.... walked away, closing the door. He killed himself."

Darshan jumped up. He was having trouble for a few seconds. "How.... How could you?" He screamed at me. That felt good. He was not saying it was not my fault and shit like that. He did not rationalize this that I did not know that he was actually going to kill himself. Instead, Darshan looked at me with contempt. And for the first time in six years, I felt a bit lighter.... Felt like I was getting the punishment that I deserved.

Darshan just walked away from there.

Maybe he was done with me.

I sat there for a little more time. Letting it sink in.