The year 2017

My eyes stayed on the magenta lingerie on display, while I sipped ice tea from the take-out cup. It was kind of pretty. The lace material and the design. And it was on display in a brand store in the mall. Probably will be costly.

"That should be too big for you," Nikhil commented by my side. He probably followed my gaze. "It's definitely too big," he nodded. I frowned at him. "How the hell would you know?"

"Oh, please... As if I won't know my girlfriend's bra size." He walked off, sipping his coffee. I felt a bit annoyed, but I followed him. It was a Sunday, and we had come for a movie date. It had been two years since Nikhil and I had shifted to Bangalore.

Now, we don't really hold hands in public. Unless we are like crossing a busy road or something. Now, I know that he sometimes just wears the same clothes he wore a week back without washing it, and I am okay with that. And he knows that am a bit jealous type, I am not so sure if he is okay with that, but he tolerates my tantrums. I mean, I had every right to throw a tantrum if my boyfriend clicks like on the photo of a girl in a bikini even if she is his colleague. What do you expect me to do... But the point was that we were steady. There was some level of security to this relationship. Almost to the point of it becoming boring. But it was not boring. Not boring at all.

Nikhil softly pushed me to the corner in the emergency stairs of my apartment complex. This was our usual spot. The landing on the second floor, the corner. We kissed, softly at first. I placed my hand around Nikhil's shoulder. "I thought you were not in the mood today," He was so casual the whole day. Teasing me and stuff.

"Hm... like that is possible," He said, "with you looking like this..."

"Like what?" I asked, enjoying this.

"It's thin, your kurta...." He pushed me to the wall further. It was a normal cotton kurta. Nothing too thin. But yeah, cotton. "And I can do this easily." His hands side up through the slit of the kurtha to touch my waist, and I shivered. It felt strange to be touched there and nowhere else. His palm was cold. My skin against it felt ablaze.

Nik's hand reached far back and traced a vertical line over my spine cavity. I cuddled closer to him and pressed my face to his chest, hearing his heartbeat, holding his shirt fabric under my fist. I felt secure there. We have kissed and made out a hundred times by now, but this felt more intimate.

I looked up at him, wanting more. We kissed. Tender. Then wilder. His hand wrapped up fully around my waist now, he almost picked me up. He then grunted and pressed me against the wall again. His hands left my waist and found my breast over my bra. "Ugh... why is it padded?' he complained. He has never yet dared to touch me inside the bra. But, over...yeah. And I can totally understand his frustration over a padded bra. "This is how you know my bra size," I told him. "Duh...." He said, and squeezed my boob over my bra and kissed my neck. I gasped. I regretted making that sound. I could sense Nikhil's smile. He came closer, his thumb moved over my bra, over my nipple... and his lips pressed against the soft skin on my neck. He sucked hard and pressed. Hickey.

I held on to his arm tightly, feeling like disintegrating, as he licked over that newly red skin and kissed there, and I could feel the tightness in his pants, pressed close to me,

"I want to do it..." I said without thinking. I wanted more of him, closer, tighter, longer.

"Me too." He collapsed to the nape of my neck. He was still hard. He shivered against me. "God..." he breathed. "I will go crazy." Slow steady breaths. Still hard. I held him close... Now filled with affection than lust. He parted away and looked at me. I placed my hand on his cheek. I kissed him gently. He kissed me back; gently. "Let's go somewhere," I said, brushing my nose against his jawline. "Where?" He exhaled hopelessly.

"Anywhere..." I said. "Anywhere where we can solve this," I traced a finger over the bulge in his pants. He sucked in a breath. I liked that. I wanted to touch it more. See his expression if I actually touch it. I moved my hands to it. Nikhil suddenly just bolted back. He left me and took a step back. "Don't... I will die." he panted.

I felt cut off. Offended. It's just me. What is he whining about?

'I... I mean..." He started, trying to explain his behaviour.

"Nevermind." I let my hand down. Stood back. Nikhil just looked at me with a confused, extremely nervous look. I could see the bulge disappearing. "Eh.... Guess good night then. See you tomorrow or the day after or whatever....." I said, trying to walk up.

"Wait, wait...." He caught my hand. Then when I looked at him, he just looked nervous. I felt sorry for him. So I smiled, "hug?" I asked. He nodded. He pulled me closer and gave me the tightest hug one could ever get. And kissed my hair. "I love you," He said. My body had gone blazing hot again. The hug was a bad idea. My insides exploded with desires.

I never understood Arjun and Darshan. I always blamed them for having done what they did at my second cousin's wedding reception. I mean, why can't they be more sensible? I mean, what's so much of a lust that you can't be aware of the time or space? It's just wrong. Just immoral. It's not 'love', it's just vulgarity of the mind and body.

Never before I realized that I myself could be feeling the same way. That I would want someone so close that I would not care about time and space. I was feeling so restless. My body was twisting in heat. I wanted him now and here itself. Wanted this quench to be satisfied more than ever. His strong hands, the smell of his stupid Axe perfume, was making me feel crazy. Just get inside, everything was screaming.

But then... he left me. "I will see you tomorrow, okay." He whispered. I nodded absentmindedly. And then he was gone.

I walked up the stairs. Rang the calling bell. I live here for the past one year after the training period ended. It is a shared apartment with seven other girls. Girls from my college itself. Some I knew from before as they were in my class, some from the CSE department, some from other college but who are in the same company. It was a nice setup. I liked the girls. Ann, from my class, ended up being my roommate. I was more social before. Less of a loner.

Disha opened the door for me. I walked in and went and dropped down to my bed in my room. My body felt too hot. Blazing hot. Straining against something. I had not bothered to turn on the lights. There was light coming from the bathroom. I turned around. Ann was washing clothes in the attached bathroom. Humming a song, lost in herself. She won't see me anyway. I pulled the blanket on myself and then...touched myself.

I do this sometime now. Masturbation. It works mostly.

I breathed in as the blood flushed over me as I came to orgasm. And the whole heat and tension in my body released.

And then... I lay there. On the bed.

Unable to cry and scream....

I feel guilty, every time I do this. I feel like I am betraying Nik. Betraying my parents. Betraying Arjun. All three in different forms. I wonder what my parents would feel if they know I masturbate. They would die of heart attacks and shame maybe. They won't even imagine that is possible. Their minds are not constructed like that to be able to take in the fact that their daughter is a person capable of sexual desires.

And Nik... I have never told him. And I never will. I still feel that I may be doing something wrong to him, because that is the social construct I am slammed on with. I know that he does jerk off sometimes. All guys do... And that is okay with me as long as he is not thinking about some other girl. But I am not okay with him knowing about me. So I will never tell him.

And I'll never stop feeling like I am somehow doing something wrong.

And Arjun... that is whole another level of guilt. I should barely be living, I should not even be happy...let alone doing this. I was a whole another level of vermin and scum for doing this.

So I lay there, and Ann came out after hanging the clothes, and she gasped and jumped back. "Arya, I did not see you come in... God, just don't lie in darkness with your eyes open." She came closer.

"Sorry," I mumbled, turned around and closed my eyes.

"Are you okay?"

I don't know. I had thought things will be better once the whole marriage thing is fixed and solved. But I should have known that it never will be. Arjun is not going anywhere. My parents are not going to be suddenly so loving and liberal. And Nik... No love story is staying so bubbly and happy forever. We had our moments of tension and fights. He irritated me, I irritated him... We fight, we makeup, and we lust for each other unable to do anything about that.

Sometimes I wonder if every feeling of love and yearning will be over once we have had sex enough times. Will we go bland and stay together only for the sake of it and responsibility? Does everyone in the world live like that?

"Arya..."

"Sorry, Ann. I will just go to sleep."

"Okay..." She went away. She is nice. She does not try to make me open up more than I am comfortable opening up. She knows my boundaries.

It was getting too difficult to suppress my desires. I wanted our first time to be perfect, romantic. Memorable... It should not be in some dingy room or outside — no shady business. I wanted to do it properly. So I was thinking of a hotel room. Flowers and candles... I could not make myself book a room yet because I was so nervous and self-conscious about that. I mean, I look my age in every sense. 23. And booking a room at my age is screaming the purpose.

And the house is not really right either. Because half the guys have a day shift and half has a night sift. Somebody will always be home. And my flatmates were not so great. We did not get along so much.

So I don't know. Where can I find a proper place???

So I found myself looking at apartment real estate site, trying to see if there is any single studio apartment to rent not far from the office. Then I can bring Arya over any day. Then maybe she can stay over and stuff. The thought made me kind of too happy.

But then I remembered that I did not get any phone call or message from Arya. It was 5 pm. I found it odd. Usually, she will send a message or call once by now.

We ended okay yesterday, right?

I decided to give her a call. It rung for a few seconds. That was unusual as well because Arya usually picks up on the first ring. "Hm?" She asked.

"Eh...busy?"

"No. Tell me."

"How about a drive tonight?"

"You should save petrol," She said, disinterested.

I frowned. "Dinner then... usual?"

"Okay," She said, almost hanging up.

"Wait...." I said.

"Yeah?" I could detect she was upset. Why? Did I do something? I thought we ended well last night. But what I asked was "Are you going home next weekend?" It was a long weekend. But I knew her answer. "No," she said. As usual. Arya rarely went home. "You go ahead," she said.

"You also come, no?" I said. "let's go to the beach. And have fun... it's four days holiday."

"Nik, I am not coming."

"What am I supposed to do for four days without you in Trivandrum? It's a waste of time."

"Don't go then. We will have fun here."

I even considered that for a second. But then, Amma was asking me about going home. She is excited about it and expecting me. Arya read my silence. "You go home. It's okay..." She said.

"You also come, na?" I tried one last time.

"No.," she said.

Always stubborn. Always. Always a bit selfish too. Cannot give up or adjust for others. "Fine, whatever... I said. I will see you at night. Will pick you up."

"Okay." She said. We hung up.

I could see Nikhil waiting at the lobby for me, playing something stupid shooting game on his iPhone. Wearing his branded backpack and dressed up in that blue check shirt which he always looks good in. Why does this guy look better and better with age? The childishness was slowly vanishing, replacing with a kind of hotness. It has also got a lot to do with the way he dresses. He can afford to dress up really good.

I felt a bit cautious about my 200 rs streetside kurthi which I bought after bargaining for twenty minutes from the commercial street. He looks up from the game, noticing me. He waved at me with a smile. That smile... That still affects me even after all this time.

I was about to walk when something came like a storm and shoved me back. With so much force that I fell back down on the floor. It was so sudden that I could not register what the hell happened. Furiously I looked around at the person who did it. And Shruthi stood before me,. Panting and looking furious.

Nikhil ran to us. He came to me and pulled me up, with concern "Are you okay?" He asked me, and then turned to Shruthi. "What is wrong with you?" he snapped at her.

"You knew, right?" Shruthi hissed. "You knew..." She screamed.

I have never seen Shurthi like this. Her eyes were red. Her hair was all over the place. She looked scared and unsettled and frantic. "Bitch..." She said, shedding tears, meaning every syllable.

"Hey," Nik yelled at her. "Mind it..." He was shielding me from her, anger sparking from his eyes. I looked around, a lot of people were in the lobby. A lot of people had stopped to see this. Great!

I had not seen much of Shruthi after coming to Bangalore. She and I had landed in different companies. Good riddance. She was finally away from my life. I knew which company she worked in. I also knew that Darshan also is working in one another company in Bangalore itself. I knew that Darshan and Shruthi are still together because well, some girls were still friends with Shruthi. It's a small circle. So what does she want after two full years of no communication?

"What... did I know?" I asked.

"Did you have fun....? Seeing me all excited and in love... You might have laughed behind my back..." She was crying. "You are the most ungrateful coldhearted evil bitch I have ever met," she hissed.

"Hey," Nik yelled again. "Listen, you can just barge in and talk crap about someone."

"You stay out of this. This is between her and me," Shruthi yelled at him. "I don't know what are you doing with her. You are too good for her. You will get better girls. Save yourself, Nikhil." She stepped closer to me. "I really wish I could slap you," she said. "but I am better cultured than that," She crossed her hands.

"Let's go. No need to listen to this nonsense" Nik grabbed my hand. But I pulled free from him. This should be about Darshan. Anything between Shruthi and me will always be about Darshan. He is the only connecting link. "I have not even met Darshan for the last few years." I snapped. "I am not going to steal your boyfriend. Not now, not ever... So can you just get over it already?"

I saw Shurthi go pale. She just stopped breathing for a second. I realised that it was Darshan's name that did it. "Did something happen?" I asked. "With Darshan..." Not that it should be any of my business.

Shruthi just sat down to a bench in the lobby, clutching the edges. Her hair covered her face. "It should not be our issue," Nik said in my ear, "Let's go." But something about Shruthi's posture made me stay. "What's wrong...." I asked her. She wiped her tears and looked up at me. "He... he..." she could not say whatever that was. She fidgeted with her top. "You always knew. Why did you not tell me?"

"What?" I still could not understand.

"That he is 'that'. That..." She hissed, looking horrified.

Oh... Oh....

"Eh.... I thought you knew." I said. Honestly, I thought she knew. They had been together for the past few years. She should surely have known long back that he is bisexual. "He didn't tell you?" I asked. She shook her head. And started crying again. Actually sobbing....

I stayed looking. I had lost interest after knowing what this was about. I mean, I did not care enough for Shurthi to be sympathetic toward her. I did not have enough of a big heat in me to like sit down beside her and console Shruthi. I mean, it is Shruthi... So I just waited. I folded my arms and stood in front of her. People in the lobby gave me judging looks. But I did not care.

After a while she looked up, "this is why I say you are heartless..." She said sobbing. "Who does this? I am crying here." She pulled herself up.

"Well, I won't hug you and say it's okay," I said.

"And you cannot expect her to," Nik added. "Though I have no idea what this is about. What does she mean he is 'that'?" Nik asked me. Shruthi started crying more on that.

"What did I ever do to you?" She asked me. "What I did, was that so bad? I told people that you are weird and a bad friend. I was not wrong. You were. I just told the truth. Was it so bad?"

I saw Nik's eyes narrow, and his lips tighten. He was angry. He rarely gets so angry. He opened his mouth to talk, but I caught his hands. "Let's go," I said. "We are done here."

Shruthi looked up at us. "You will never be happy in your relationship. After you ruined my life. I curse you," She said.

I looked back at her. "I curse you," she said again.

"Excuse me?" Nik stepped closer, angrier.

"Appu," I calmed him and turned to Shruthi. "How exactly did I ruin your life?" I asked. "I did not ask you to date Darshan. I even tried to stop you or discourage you. Yeah, I did not tell you his orientation because at that time it was difficult for me to talk about that. Besides, I was not sure if he wants me to be talking about that. It was his personal thing. He should be the one telling it or not. So if your boyfriend chose to hide that from you all these years... blame him. Not me."

I turned around. "He touched me with the same hands," Shruthi mumbled. "same dirty lips...."

I turned back around, "I am sure he loved you very much when he did that." I was getting very much offended now. I may not have spoken to Darshan for the past six years. I may have hated him a lot. But Darshan was Darshan. Deep down, Darshan was.... I don't know who Darshan was for me? I just knew that I knew the guy. No matter how smartass and cocky he was, I knew he would not take advantage of someone. I did not know why he would hide his sexual orientation from Shruthi for so long. But I knew that Darshan did really like her, for whatever reason that I could not understand.

"Did you break up with him?" I asked her.

She looked up. "Obviously." She said. "I can't keep dating a... I mean...." She could not utter the word.

I nodded. "Just because of that?"

"Not just because of that." She snapped. "I mean... that becomes a larger part but. He is losing his shit... He says he is guilty of your brother's death. He always felt guilty. But nowadays he is just... drinking all the time and stuff." She chuckled. "I always thought it was just friendship. That he was overthinking and believing that he caused his best friend's suicide. I always asked him for the full story. He never told me. And he was always so hurt... and sad and broken over that guy's death. At times, I could only cry hugging him," She looked up at me, "And that is why I hate you more." She said. "That's why I always hated you.... Because I cannot hate someone already dead."

I felt I had gone frozen only when Nik slid his hand into mine. "Let's go," he softly told me. This time I did not resist when Nikhil pulled me away from there. We stopped outside near his bike.

"Are you okay?" He asked me, turning to me. I couldn't talk yet. Nikhil softly pushed my hair back, "Da..." I looked up and nodded. More like I pushed myself to nod. I was not sure I was okay. I was always so caught up in my own guilt and pain that I did not think about Darshan's guilt or pain. "Are you sure?" Nik's hand found mine again. I needed a moment to be closer to him. I did not care that we were still in my office's parking lot, and stepped closer to Nikhil, pressed my head to his chest. Filling me up with that familiar warmth. He cupped my head.

I stayed like that for a minute.

"Anyway... what was that talk about?" He asked. "I didn't get a thing."

I pushed away from him. "Darshan," I said. "He was Arjun's boyfriend."

I could see that Nikhil was shocked. Really shocked. "Didn't you say he was Arjun's best friend?" He asked.

"Yeah. He was... But then...."

"Why am I getting to know about this only now?" he snapped.

"Is that important?"

"Fucking hell yeah..." He said. "We have talked about that guy a lot of times."

So? I don't like talking about Arjun or Darshan with Nikhil. I don't like talking about the details.

"How much more about your life is that I have yet to know of?" Nikhil asked. "I mean....we have been together for two-three years now, Arya. How much more are you.... God!" he turned around from me, showing his back, looking up at the sky, looking hurt.

"Hey..." I said, "can we just not make a big deal of this? I am hungry. Let's go." I touched his sleeve. Hoping I will be able to adjust this with something. I did not want Nikhil mad at me now. "I am hungry," I tugged on his arm more.

He pulled his hand free, "I can't believe we are having this conversation again. I want to know everything about Arjun," He said.

"He was gay. He was dating Darshan. Now he is dead. That's all there is to the story." I said.

"No.," he said. "It's not.... What's your problem? Why can't you talk about him? It's been like what? Six years?"

Yeah. Six years without my brother...

"Arya this is kind of scaring me." Nik took my hand gently again. "You can... talk to me, you know. I am here for you... Always."

I looked up at him. "Hm... I will. Someday." I told him. "I promise. Please, don't be mad at me." I hate it when he is mad at me. I can't handle it.

"I am not mad at you, da..." he said. "I just don't like it when you hide things about your past from me. As if you are ashamed to tell me. Trust me, nothing of those things will make me love you any less. We are together for life. So I want to know everything. Especially about Arjun," he took a step back. "I can't believe you hid this fact for like two years. It's just throwing me off a bit."

"I did not hide it. I just did not talk about it." I said. In the past two years, we did talk about Arjun sometimes. Sometimes, Nikhil has asked about his death, in a moment where we cuddled together on a cosy date night, or on a late-night phone call. And I would go silent. Not wanting to break that moment with Nikhil. I would tell him little details like he had hanged himself, that he was going through stuff, that our father had hit him.

He sighed and gave up, "It's okay. I will wait." He said, "Someday when you are ready, you will tell me." He said. I nodded.

"I love you," I told him softly.

He smiled and pulled me into a hug. He smelled good. Just like Nikhil smells. I snuggled close into that warm comfort. I loved him so much.