Having a boyfriend is not always just a good thing.

The first thing I realised is that it puts unnecessary pressure on you to look good. After fishing through everything, I own and spending an hour in front of the mirror, I was irritated at the way I was so overly conscious about the way I looked.

The second thing is that you will have to lie to your parents. Obviously, it does not apply to everyone. This applies only to those who are not that confident in telling their parents about their dating life. And unfortunately, not everybody is as lucky as Nikhil is. He went and told his mom on the first day. I was shocked. But apparently, she really likes me.

Nikhil: Got Sharan's bike. Will pick u up.

Nikhil: See u in 10 mins. Can't wait

Nikhil: Reached

"Where are you going?" Achan asked as I was about to walk out of the house.

"Final Project work," I told him.

"Shall I drop you? I am going to the bank in a while."

"No. I am already late. Will go by auto." I walked out. White lies to your parents' face...

Our house is in a lane, and there is a 10-minute walk to the junction. I could see Nikhil waiting in the lonely part of the road. He was leaning on a bike and grinning at me. He was wearing an orange and white t-shirt and looked so good that I almost turned around and went home. I mean, what is the use if you spent 2 hours dressing up and he still ends up looking better than you so effortlessly?

The demerits of having the cutest guy in the world as your boyfriend – you can't get angry with him, no matter what he does. Especially not after that afternoon in the library. No, the kiss was not what did it. It is the back story. I can't know something like that about him and be detached. Now I have this immense deep bond and affection for him. Seriously I can not manage to have any sort of ill feelings towards him anymore.

I was not sure of 'love' in the sense others talk about. But right now, I did not care because I knew that I genuinely care about this sweet boy in front of me. And what I felt for him was significant enough for me. He could make me laugh and be annoyed like no other human could. And 'I' wanted to be with him. So much so that the 'list' was out of the picture.

"So, I told Sharan that it was not made out of metal. It is plastic. But he simply would not agree." Nikhil was telling me and laughed. "At last Adi had to convince him." There is always a lot to talk about. Always never boring.

"How did you become friends with Adwaith?" I asked.

"Hm...First-year. First I was not sure he was an approachable person. But then second week of college, in the canteen I dropped my wallet. And he picked it up. And it was open."

"So?" I asked.

He took out his wallet and held it open. There was his mom's photo in it. "He handed it back to me, asked if it was my mom and did not comment anything bad about that," Nikhil said. "And we ended up talking, and only then did all my prior idea about him fell away. He is a great guy, almost like a brother to me. He is mature for his age and all. Do you know?"

I nodded.

Our food arrived, and the chicken dish smelled terrific. It was this new grilled chicken with some special marination menu that had gone widely popular. We began to eat. "This is seriously good," I said.

"Isn't it?" Nikhil got excited, "Sharan, Asif and I came a few days back, and I was like, I have got to come with Arya here. She will love it."

"I do," I said. I was glad I am experiencing all these social things thanks to him. I barely got out of my house in the last four years. It was my first time eating at a restaurant in the last four years, and the first time in my entire life without my parents. We used to have family dinners outside when Arjun and I were kids.

"So how are things with Soumya?" Nikhil asked. "Okay so far?"

"So far, I guess...it's okay," I said with doubt. "But we barely did anything. Just watched a movie."

"Still." He asked.

"It's okay," I said

But I still was not so sure about this friendship thing. Soumya was comfortable to be around. She talked a lot, which means I did not have to talk. I could just listen to her. I did not know if that was enough. "She is nice," I concluded.

"Told you," He said. "You should have made friends ages ago."

"I..." I was not comfortable sharing something like what I felt. My emotions were always meant for myself and only myself... "I was scared to make friends," I said. Nikhil looked at me. "No, I mean... I am scared. Still.... Because, you know... Shruthi. She said I was a bad friend."

"To hell with Shruthi," he said, "She does not get to decide anything about you. Damn, why does he get to say shit like that and live her life normally." He sat back, "We should take revenge."

"No." I said, "I don't want revenge."

"No, we should. Otherwise, nothing is wrong with her life. She is dating that guy, that originally you liked and..."

"What? No... I didn't like..." I mean, I may have a negligible crush on Darshan at some point, but... Things went to hell. These emotions were not even relevant anymore. "Nikhil, I did not LIKE Darshan. It was her misunderstanding."

"Yeah, Yeah..."

"It's true."

"Well he is good-looking," Nikhil said.

"So?"

"So I can get why you would." He played with his fork, looking down.

"Hm... I am with you now. So..."

He looked up. "How does that make me feel any better? It sounds as if you are with me because he is not available."

I squinted at him. Annoying... This is what I said. Can't get angry, as even when he does something so annoying, he looks adorable. His puppy dog eyes were naughtily urging me to give him confirmation that I think of Nikhil a thousand times better than I think of Darshan. That was the truth, tough. I hate Darshan, he was a bloody shameless backstabber. Nikhil did not even fall into the same category as that leach.

"If he and you were drowning simultaneously I would save you. Happy now?" I asked.

"Eh... Does he know swimming?"

"No. God, Nikhil. Can you stop this? It's annoying..."

He laughed.

"Don't laugh." Damn, adorable.

"Hey, stop, stop..." I patted his shoulder as we were in the lane to my house. He stopped the bike. I got down. "Why? I can drop you at your gate at least?"

"Ha..ha... Funny. No. Amma and Achan are home. Achan did say he will go out, but he may have come back by now."

"Hm...Are they that strict? You can tell them I am just a friend and met you on the way or something."

"And won't they find it strange if you keep meeting me on the way a few more days?"

"Just tell them the truth then." He grinned.

"Do you think everybody is like your parents?" I asked. He sighed. I turned to go.

"Hey," He caught my hand. I turned back. "Hm...How bad will it be if your parents find out about us? I mean, on a scale of one to ten, how bad it will be? Just to prepare myself for it, I mean just in case..."

"Hm...Maybe seven," I said.

"Eh...seven is still good, right?"

"Yeah, I guess," I said. "But still, your pick-up and dropping spot is here." I indicated the place, still a few houses away from my home. "I am still worried about the neighbours talking as well. So it will be really best if you can avoid the whole pick up and drop situation altogether. I can travel by auto. Nor is it like you own a bike. You can't go on borrowing all the time."

"I want to though..." He tugged on my hand, "it's kind of a dream I had. To drive a bike with my girlfriend behind me."

"Yeah, very cliché main-stream movie dream," I said. "Go, now... Can't stand and talk for long. The neighbours will see." But he did not let go of my hand. "Nikhil..." I pulled my hand.

"I don't want to part so soon," he said. "Shall we go for a ride and I will drop you home later?" Why can't I get mad at him? He pulled on my hand. "No... I have project work."

"To hell with project work..."

"I will call you later." I laughed.

"Fine..." He said. "Bye..."

But that night, we talked on the phone for hours. He was telling me about his school days and friends and funny stories. It was 3 am, I realised, and I reminded him that we really need to sleep now if we need to go to college tomorrow.

"Shit, I have never had this long of a phone call before." He said.

"Neither have I," I said.

"Ha...."

"Now, go to sleep now."

"I feel like I won't be able to fall asleep."

Me neither. Something felt alive inside me. Very much alive...

"Arya..."

"Hm?" I asked.

"I love you..."

And it died again. My tongue won't move to repeat that back. He waited. I could feel that he was waiting. "Hm...go to sleep. I will see you tomorrow. Good night." I tried to push in all my feelings into that 'good night', wishing those words will deliver it to him. But he still sounded disappointed. "Okay." He said.

On Wednesday, I was discussing the final group project work with my teammates, Srilakshmi and Ann. They were not my friends.... We were the only ones left with no one else to make a team with. And They were kind of as silent in class like me. But both were smart and did their part. So...our team worked.

But right now we were kind of stuck at a point that we did not understand.

"Guess we will have to do a bit of research," Srilakshmi said.

"I think we should go to the computer lab this evening. Together." Ann said.

"Yeah, okay..." I said.

After the girls left to sit at their benches. I checked my mobile there were four missed calls from Nikhil. I had texted him that I won't have time to hang out with him during the lunch break as I will be doing project work with girls. Then why are there 4 missed calls? I checked the time. There were still 3 minutes for the bell. I was about to call him back when I saw him pock his head inside the class. "Arya..." he hissed. Really??? Isn't coming here going too far? But I felt happy all the same.

I got up from my seat and went to him. "What?"

"Did you finish your project discussion?"

"Yes, just now... Why?"

"What why? I wanted to see you at least once. That's why... I get to hang out with you only at the lunch break." He said. "It's unfair if that gets taken away."

"It's just one day, Nikhil... God..." I rolled my eyes.

I looked inside the class and saw that Shruthi was staring at us. I felt a bit conscious. "Well, I saw you now. So it is all good now." He said. "See you, bye... Will miss you for the next few hours."

I laughed. Nikhil walked backwards and was gone.

I came back to my seat. After a second, I felt Shruthi sit beside me. I turned to her. What does she want?

"Are you and Nikhil Chandran together now or something? Like boyfriend-girlfriend?" She asked me. To direct. Why does she care?

"None of your business...." I said.

She frowned. "I was just too happy for you. You don't have to be so hostile towards everyone. So anti-social. Freak. Can't even give a compliment or congrats..."

"Why are you happy for me?" I turned to her. "Like why exactly makes you happy for me?"

"What?" She snapped. "Why can't I be happy that even 'you' found someone nice? Actually, I feel Nikhil is a bit too good for you, but... whatever. I am really glad that you are like having a 'normal' life. Or else I was worried you will end up alone. Or dead... because of whatever happened with your brother." She cleared her throat and avoided my eyes. "I kind of think now that I may have been a little insensitive towards you regarding that. But being with Darshu made me think how he must have meant a lot to you and him. So... Sorry."

I was not expecting that from Shruthi. She knew about Arjun, at least as much as most people knew. I told her a couple of months after we became friends - that my twin brother recently passed away. At that time, she cried and said that she is sorry about that. She was overly sympathetic. But after that, she never really liked to talk about that. She wanted only happy things in life, and death is not exactly a pleasant topic to talk about. But I guess even Shruthi grows up.

"Anyway, ...happy for you." She said again.

The teacher walked into the class, so she got up and went to her seat behind me. But I felt kind of lost. What did she mean by the fact that she thought that I will end up dying? Was I that depressed during that time??

I kind of started feeling worse by the evening. I was too silent and not even smiling. But SriLakshmi, Ann and I still needed to go to the computer lab. Cannot give an excuse and go home.

We were walking to the lab when Nikhil ran to me again. "Where are you going?" He was in high spirits as usual.

"Computer lab. We have some research to do for the project." I told him.

"Can I tag along?" He asked, still too happy. "I can just stay quiet or even help you guys..."

I hesitated. But the truth was that I wanted to be near Nikhil right now. But I did not want to cause the girls any trouble. They can think of it as inappropriate. So I looked at them.

"Girls, can I tag along," he directly asked them. "I don't get to be with Arya so much otherwise.' I wondered how easy it is for him to be so direct and honest about his emotions.

"Yeah, it's okay," Ann said. "Come..."

Nikhil was just too happy. We walked along, and Srilakshmi and Ann walked ahead. Nikhil linked his hand with me without them noticing. He looked at me. I knew that he will instantly notice my mood. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing," I said.

He made a 'seriously, come on...' face.

"Just Shruthi," I said.

"Oh," he said. "Ignore her."

"I do." Usually...

"I still have my revenge plan. What did she say anyway?" He asked, holding my hand more securely.

I shrugged. "there is no use discussing it. It's better to forget it." And I was glad that he was there. I already felt better. "I feel better when you are around," I said. He smiled, a bit too triumphantly. I could understand why. Small snippets like this are the only revelations of my feelings for him. That makes him happy.

"Did you always want to be an engineer?" I asked him as we were walking out of the computer lab after the session. Nikhil tagging along with uu turned out to be a good idea. He helped us out a lot. He was a way better student than any of us were

"Yeah. Kind of..." He said.

"I need to visit the library quickly before we go," I added. He nodded, and we walked to the library. "I mean, I don't dislike it."

"So it's your passion?" I asked after returning the book and walking to the shelves to find something new to read. He followed me. "Hm... kind of."

"What about you?" He asked. "Why do I get the feeling that you did not want to do engineering."

"Coz I did not," I said. "I wanted to study English literature."

"Ah... Obviously, suit you. You should have."

"Then I would not have met you."

"I am so glad you took this path of extreme mental pressure of maths and programming."

I laughed. I took a book out of the shelf. It was an old and battered copy. I smiled at it. I love old copies. I smelled the book. Nikhil smiled. "Why are you smelling it?"

"Old books have this distinct smell." I held it out for him to smell.

"Yeah, bad smell." He said. "I can understand it when people say they like the smell of new books. They smell good. Old just smells old."

"Am I too weird to like it?" I smelled the book. I still loved the smell. "I just like libraries," I said.

"Well, I did not use to have any particular feelings for libraries before, but now... I like libraries, especially this one for a very particular reason." Nikhil said and looked to the spot near the window. I bit my tongue in a bit of embarrassment and looked away. "So a kindle reader is out of the question?" He asked me, continuing our previous conversation.

"No. I do approve of it. Saves a lot of paper. Saves trees."

"Okay. So I will gift you one in future."

"Why are you gifting me? I can buy one on my own."

"Yeah, yeah... you are an empowered woman. Maybe you don't realise it, but I come from a somewhat wealthy family. You can utilize that."

"I know you are rich," I said, nonchalantly.

"Hm?"

"When we were in the hospital after I hurt my hand, your parents came in an Audi," I said.

His eyebrow went up. "When did you notice that?"

"An Audi is hard not to notice," I said. "But...what does your dad do? I don't think your mom works."

Nikhil became a bit self-conscious. "Papa owns a construction business. You know like apartment buildings and stuff. Ever heard of Artage?" I have, it's one of the top-running apartment builders. "Papa owns it. And yeah, amma is a housewife."

"I did not know you were this rich," I said. I just knew about the Audi.

"Hey, we are not. Like we are not Ambani or anything. And, obviously, you won't know. I don't tell this info to many people. Publicising my financial background has never brought me any good." I could detect sadness in his eyes. So I deliberately changed the topic.

"Did your parents have a love marriage?"

"Yeah. Can you tell?" He grinned. "You can, right? Well... Amma was Papa's friend's younger sister."

"Oh my god," I turned to him. "Scandalous."

"It was, I guess. But my uncle was cool with it. What about your parents?"

"Obviously arranged marriage," I said. There is no one as rigid as my father. "Achan works in Water Authority. Amma at Kerala University. Nothing cool about them. So ordinary."

Their government jobs made sure that Arjun's news travelled fast among all their colleagues. Everybody loved a little gossip in their circle. A whole lot of them were at the funeral and had whispered private talks and speculations about what may have happened.

I wanted to throw everyone out. They did not know Arjun. I did not think Arjun would have wanted those lot at his funeral. He would not have cared if it was just our classmates from school and me. Instead, the funeral was filled with middle-aged strangers and relatives who had a million things to whisper. None of them had even spent any time with Arjun. Yet they talked about him like they had the right to do so.

But it was impossible to throw all of those people out and keep only those who genuinely loved and cared for Arjun. Instead, I had to tolerate those uncles and aunties and be polite to them...when the last thing I wanted to do was talk to anyone. The last thing I wanted to do was be alive when he was dead.

Shruthi was right, I may have kind of wanted to die back then...

"So when are you coming to a movie with me?" Nikhil asked, totally unaware of the thought that just passed through my head. I looked at him. Everything was so simple in his world. Like Shruthi said, Nikhil makes my life 'normal'. And when I am with him, I feel like I am the same as anybody else.

"Next weekend," I said. And there was so much happiness on his face.

Normal.