I should just change the name of this book to "the only copping mechanism I have."

Anyway...

It's been really tough getting sleep lately.

I've tried really hard but most nights I lay awake listening to the sound of my ceiling fan spinning way to fast for this time of year.

I'm lucky if I get a good nights sleep anymore.

It seems like every other night is a new bad dream that I have to try to forget. Sometimes they are sad. Sometimes they are scary. Sometimes they are both.

Sometimes it's about the people I care about. Sometimes it's about one specific person. Sometimes it's about everyone I've ever met.

Sometimes I lose them to forces I can't control. Sometimes I'm the reason their gone. Sometimes they choose to walk away and never return.

Sometimes it's memories from my past of sad times. Some of the saddest and heartbreaking and scary moments of my entire life dating back to a decade ago or more recent and few and far between.

So what does this mean for me?

Well I can't sleep. I can't tell people what's happening. I don't want to worry them.

So for now I just let them think it's my "addiction" to my phone keeping me up until ungodly hours of the night.

I'm scared for people I care about. Some more than others.

Countless times one specific person I watched walk away from me in my head, and the scene would just play Over and over and over in my head until I couldn't stand it and I'd be forced awake. It seems real because it was real. And my head apparently likes to remind me that it's totally possible that it could happen again. And my heart apparently loves to watch me crumble because I'd do anything for this human. And my heart knows it. And prefers to torture me instead of let me get decent sleep.

I try to fight it. Sleeping pills being my main source of ammunition. But even those only do so much. And since they are "all natural" you can probably guess how effective they are.

Stress is probably a big factor in all of this.

I know my life would be over the moment this person decided to walk out again. And I know it's a possibility because I watched it happen. And it's selfish. And greedy. And I'm clingy. But I want them. There's far too much that I have to move pass, and they have to move past in order for any of this to work. So I'm at a sit still until I get over it.

I'd never purposely try to hurt them. In fact it would be the death of me to hurt someone, anyone, but especially the person I care about the most. My Brian is funny in that way.

I don't mind getting hurt by someone else. So long as their happy I can take the hit. The beating. The pain.

But the moment they are hurting, I freeze. My heart aches to a point that's it's physically hurting me, and it has nothing to do with me.

I want to be a fixer. I just want to make people happy.

I can't though. Or at least I can't make everyone happy, the way I'd like to.

The one person I care about the most won't even let me in anymore. And maybe they don't know how yet. Maybe they're still trying to figure it out themselves.

It doesn't change the fact that I can see their pain. And I can feel their hurting. And I can't do anything about it until they want me to.

I can't sit by and watch them suffer because it hurts me too. Their Suffering is one of my greatest weaknesses. And I've tried and tried to let them know, I'm here if they need me. I'm right here. If they need anything, I'm always available for them.

Nothing seems to get through.

I don't want to pry. Prying is annoying.

But I also can't keep watching them flinch in pain and continue to clutch my own breaking heart, and try to keep it together for them.

They push themselves so hard. They deserve a break. They deserve someone who isn't gonna hurt them, and abandon them, and mess with their head.

And maybe I'm not fit for the job. I might be too emotional.

It's funny I can tell when things are off with them. I don't think they realize it yet. I pay attention contrary to popular belief. I can pick apart micro-facial expressions, involuntary movement, hand gestures. I can see when their hurting. I can see when they are hiding something from me. And I can also see what makes them happy.

And maybe it's because I'm an over thinker, and observant as heck, that I can recognize all these things.

Whatever the case... here I am. Still hurting. Still waiting. Still wanting. Still sleep deprived.

They aren't obligated to me anymore and they probably won't be for a while. Which stings.

I'm nothing but a friend. That's not what I was before. But there's not really much else to do until I can heal. And they can heal.

Which hurts a little bit more.

Because I have to be okay with the fact that the person I want more than anything can be experimental with other people. And can see other people. And can choose whom ever they want. Not that they would do it out of spite. But still.

I... I'm fine with it. I just want them to be happy. I have to be fine with it. Even if it breaks my heart into a thousand little pieces, I have to be okay with it. For them.

So uh... those are all my current problems. Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.

Moral of the story:

I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay. I just want to be okay today.

I just want to feel okay, feel okay, feel okay. I just want to feel okay today.