this one's a bit disjointed, but it's from the heart <3 (btw, the book i'm talking about is oliver loves carson hehe i loved it sm) tysm for 1k reads on this book! crazy thankful :)

---

so i was reading this book

and it was

stupidly good

in the way that only

sad

queer

romances

can be

and there was this

line

where

the feisty and sarcastic

oliver laurent

said that

he was not good enough

and there was this

line

where

the kind and good-natured

carson katsaros

said that

you aren't supposed to

feel like that

it broke my heart

i'm not even sure

why

but i'm sitting here

trying to

hold back tears

because i don't

know

what to do

i don't know how to

not cry

and hold it in

because i have a

goddamned

interview

i have to be at

in ten minutes

and they'll

know

if my voice is

wavery

and my eyes are

red

that i've been

hurting

why do i care so much

if people know

i'm hurting?

i read love stories

because i want love

but it always

escapes me

what's

wrong

with

me

i close my eyes

for a brief respite

but i'm

haunted

by everything

i was

and everything

we were

everything

we weren't

i can't

do this

anymore

i can't

feel like

oliver

because

now

i

know

that it's not

normal

to feel like that

people

don't

feel like that

there are people

who don't

know

what it is like

to feel like that

i've always

felt like that

every moment

of every second

of every

fucking

day

it's tiring

it chips away at you

i don't know

how to make it

stop

and i thought

of who i could

ask

and i realized

there's

nobody

i could ask

i don't have

anybody

to ask

and i have all these

personas

and people

that i'm supposed to

be

the perfect daughter

the perfect student

the perfect

fuck

i don't even know

who i'm

pretending to be

anymore

i can't do it

i can't pretend

but i'm afraid that

if i stop pretending

nobody will love me

i already

don't love me

and i can't

lose

the only people

who do

i'm so tired

my mom asks me

if i'm okay

every day

and it kills me

because i'm

screaming

inside

that i'm not

but i put on a

smile

i change the

subject

and i pretend

that my world

is stable

that i'm not

falling apart

i don't want to

fall apart

i'm so tired

of falling apart

seven minutes

my interview is

seven minutes

away

so i guess i'll

grab my mask

from the shelf

in the far reaches

of my mind

and put it on

i'll smile

crack a few jokes

pretend

pretend

pretend

because what else

am i supposed to do

i don't have a

carson katsaros

to tell me how to

fix myself

i only have me

i can't think of

anything profound

to say at the end of

this poem

the way i have

for all my others

because i guess

this wasn't meant to

be

profound

it's just another

confession

and in the way that

priests

take your

secrets

on the weekend

at church

and set you

free

by doing so

words

are my sunday

confessional