Surprise! This chapter's not about a mullet of the (alleged) hairstyle variety. It's about a mullet of the...well, mullet variety.

As in, it's about a fish. Specifically, a fish of the Mugil cephalus species. AKA the mullet. Although, just to be clear, not a specific fish per se. Like, it's not as though it's about Louise the mullet, whom I met down by the pier the other day. Oh, no. That'd be a whole other story.

Nope, this chapter is about all mullets. It's about an unassuming species of fish who, through no fault of their own (I mean, they don't even have any hair), now find themselves with their good name irredeemably and forever associated with the questionable fashion choices of a certain questionable subsection of the human population.

It's just possible the mullets are the real victims here. Although, to be fair, it's quite likely the whole being captured, killed, deep-fried and eaten thing ranks a little higher on their list of concerns. Well, that and sharks. And they don't have ready access to Instagram or mulletjunky.com, so they have got that over us.

So, anyway. Mullets. You know, when it occurred to me to write this chapter, I thought, "Hey, what a good idea. Nobody will see that coming. And I'll bet I can find a bunch of interesting and/or amusing stuff to write about actual, real mullets. It'll be great. You go, me."

Ha. That'll teach me to listen to the thought processes of a person who made the conscious and willing choice to write a book about bad hair.

Because, the thing is, mullets are boring. Tedious, monotonous and dull beyond belief. I could tell you how many species there are. I could tell you how many fins they've got. I could tell you about their taxonomy, their gastronomy and their astrology. Okay, maybe not the last one. But I could tell you a bunch of stuff about mullets. But I won't. Because if I did, you would be bored. Quite frankly, who gives a flying f...

...ish? Not me. Seems like I've wasted a good ten minutes of intensive research. Well, almost. Turns out there is one interesting thing about the mullet. One little factoid, which suggests perhaps the piscine-humanoid nomenclature crossover is not entirely without merit. You see, the mullet's primary food source is detritus.

Which means—yep, you got it, people—they're bottom-feeders.

Mullet-O-Meter™ says:-