Trigger warning for references to self-harm, suicide, depression, etc.

––

G-d I want––

I've got a problem with friends

And I've got this problem with a knife

That to really cause some damage you've

Got to saw, over and over, realizing that

Flesh really isn't a layer but an organ that can

Part, and that pain really isn't that bad when

It's just electrical signals and you know you're

The one taking charge.

I fill myself with food then I don't eat for days

It's the only thing that gives me pleasure when no one

Looks my way, I'm a nice girl except for the voices

That call for your death behind my ugly little eyes

And I've always seen the world as the ice pack you

Press to your wrist to nurse the thoughts of blood––

But really, really darling, you just like the way of watching your skin

Turn into a violet rainbow, and you don't feel anything here anymore.

And aren't we all addicted to the feeling of not feeling?

I go to sleep early, hoping it might help, that's what they tell me,

It's not me it's chemicals and nerve signals and really, honey,

You just need to go to sleep––but I do that so I do that

Don't you know I'm really trying, please help me, please help me,

All I do is beg and no one helps me. It's lies. It's all lies.

How can I go to in one year from craving absolute silence

To being addicted to the feeling of abrupt violence,

I'm alone now, I'm all alone I'm alone

I can't fly away like a little bird,

and hope to find a home.

So if you could just direct me, miss,

Which way to turn, and maybe I'll

Find a deep dark road that'll kill me first.

–––

Art:

Depression by Jacob Lawrence, 1950

Just a note...I use this place to express my feelings and vent freely because here, I am anonymous. I understand this poem may have been a bit extreme, but it's my way of healing. It helps me cope to put my feelings into words without a filter. My anxiety often prevents me from opening up to others. This is me trying to fight my fears of others'  judgement.