Idknwhy but after watching the digital circus. I've realized a bit.

And I'm going insane.

I'm fucking mentally dying inside and nobody really knows it.

I keep running away from responsibilities, and I can't stop. My brain just keeps telling me not to do he shit I need to.
It took me 4 days to fucking put some clothes away and clean up my room a bit. It took me 10 minutes..

I've just been playing games and enjoying myself instead of doing something thst would long term make me happy. Keeping a clean room.

I can't handle things rn.

I'm also on hiatus rn.
I haven't updated most of my books in a month or so.

Not since school.
I can't even take the time to do some fucking assignments that would take me like an hour each to finish(which isn't long)

I seen the new helluva boss video half an hour after it released. I haven't taken the time to watch it yet.

I need to do my laundry, too. Wtf is wrong with me.

My rooms.clean, finally
Ish

There's a bunch of shit I need to throw away that under my desk.

I need to sleep.
I feel sleep deprived. Idk why. On school days I go to bed at 10 and wake up at 5:30. That's 7.5 hours of sleep(I think)
And on weekends I sleep at 10:30 and wake up at like 9. So like 12 hours, I think idk.

I need to settle down. I need someone to help me regulate my life rn. Idk what's happening and I can't count on any irl friends to help me with it cause IM the best with this shit out of everyone in the group (besides addi)

I can't not do shit I don't need to. Like sit in my bed for 5 hours watching endless yt vids thst don't get a reaction out of me instead of doing homework so I can get more than a 50% on my math homework quizzes.

Idek how to study. Nobody taught me simple life things.

What do I do for this.
What about that?
Oh. Idk.
"Well why don't you? Your almost 15 you should know this by now"

But I don't.

I grew up with my grandparents and a bad memory. I live off of muscle memory my guy.

I can ot put myself onto a normal person routine.

I need to constantly be applying lotion... Do I? No. Am I going to? Prolly not lol. Should I? Yeah.

Am I always putting on a fake smile to reassure people I'm fine.

............

Do I want to be Included in everything so badly that I will almost do anything to be included?
Yes.

Do I want to cry myself to sleep rn?
Yeah, yeah I do.

Wtf is wrong with me.

I'm so sorry.