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( CHAPTER 1. part one )

( child psychology — black box recorder )

MY parent's guilt tripped me into getting a degree.

I'd always wanted to go into art, to wear overalls that were more paint than denim and pin my dark brown waves back with a stray paint brush. I longed for artistic genius to strike, to be able to once more put my emotions to a canvas.

Dad never saw it as a practical career.

'You'll be taking over the company one day.' he'd told me one day after I'd proudly shown him a drawing. 'You've got a mind for business, just like your old man.'

I'd always hated how proud he seemed of that fact.

I hated how often he'd bring up my supposed 'future'. He'd bring me to the office during breaks to show off how it all worked, made sure my focus remained on schooling, never let the conversation stray to 'what didn't matter'.

It was his dream for me to inherit his business, and I didn't have the heart to tell him no – I'd always feared disappointing him.

My siblings could never truly understand the pure stress I was under. They weren't afraid of voicing their opinions, they weren't embarrassed of what they truly wanted.

'It isn't that bad Dawnie,' my inner voice would tut, 'you'll never want for anything.'

Selfish girl.

Selfish girl.

Selfish girl.

'Your parent's give you everything,' my inner voice would sneer, 'who are you to refuse them.'

Such a horridly,

Despicably,

Selfish little girl.

To my parent's I was a golden child, to my siblings; I was a kiss ass. To my classmates; I was an overachiever – to myself, Davina Bardot was never enough.

That was why I loved the book club. In all honesty, it was my only escape from...everything. I could read what I loved with my best friends – my sisters – and speak my mind without fearing reprimand. 

Even if a vast majority of the club was spent discussing Bella's supernaturally odd relationship with Edward Cullen. For Bella's sake, I never openly voiced how I really felt about the Cullen boy. He was odd – unlike his siblings who felt more unreal, Edward just felt out of place.

He held an air of superiority, brows pinched at the bridge whenever anyone dared to speak to him. I guess it made sense when I first found out what he was even though I'd totally freaked out when the truth came out. A forever seventeen-year-old who'd remained a virgin since 1918 – an eternity beside him would be a complete nightmare.

But I'd never tell this to Bella.

I think it was an empathy thing. No matter how open minded and opinionated I could truly be with Millie and Bells, I could never tell either of them what to do – I knew how it felt, and I'd truly be a hypocritical monster if I attempted to do the same.

I never stayed to long when Edward was around, he was always so cold – in a literal and physical sense. A touch of his hand could induce hypothermia and a look into his eyes could spiral the sanest to madness.

'Just give him a chance,' Bella pleaded, 'for me?'

How could I ever say no to Bells.

The others were tolerable, I'd taken a liking to Emmett and the Hale twins. But no matter how hard I tried; I couldn't stay beside them for long.

Rosalie had said it was self-preservation, claimed I was smart to do so – I was inclined to believe so. It felt like muscle memory, like my soul knew what my mind had yet to comprehend. Even if Bella had never told me and Millie, I still wouldn't have trusted that fucking Cullen boy.

Billy Black, one of my Uncle Shawn's best friends, had asked me about it one day. 'it's a feeling,' I'd replied after a moment, 'like it's written into my very DNA to be weary of them.'

He'd only nodded then, but I could tell he knew more than I feared he would ever let on.

By then, my choice to leave for Bellingham felt more like an effort to get away from the Cullens, to remove myself from the supernatural behavior – it was a level of stress my mental health did not need.

Even if I was studying for a job I didn't want, I'd never felt more relaxed. Being away from Forks felt like a weight lifted from my shoulder, like Atlas seeing the top of the mountain. 'Finally,' he'd thought, 'finally I am freed of the weight I bear!'

But of course, like Atlas, I would soon be pulled back down to begin to bare the sky once more.

🌲

I stared at my laptop screen, an empty document staring back at me. I knew how important this thesis was, how much my grade rode on this – and yet my mind couldn't comprehend how to even begin.

I felt burnt out, tired of the repetition my life had come to;

Wake up, work out, have breakfast, go to classes, have lunch, go to classes, have dinner, go to the library, go home, go to bed – repeat

It was the routine of a winner, the mindset of someone successful and even if I didn't want it, I wanted my parent's approval – that was reason enough. Millie had tried to convince me to do what I wanted to do. But she didn't understand, no one did.

It was a nausea in the pit of my stomach, a rot planted in my throat that made it hard to breathe. A sickness plagued me, one that could not be remedied by chicken noodle soup and a sick day. It was a rotted peach fermenting in me, it was an acid that me down from the very depths of my body.

It was the need for validation I would never truly get – a hole within my heart that could only be filled with the love of a parent.

I'd always envied that Millie and Bella had such good parents and a part of me resented how Bella treated Charlie.

Charlie Swan was a good man, someone who was raised right despite norms at the time. He was the towns sheriff, someone who genuinely cared about his community. He wasn't very vocal about this care – hell, Charlie was quite possibly the most emotionally inept person she'd ever met – but he should it through his actions.

He knew the inhabitants of Forks (and La Push despite not having much jurisdiction on the reservation), just as well as they knew him. Cora, a waitress at Carver Cafe (a diner Millie's parent's owned), knew that Charlie always ordered steak and cobbler every Thursday just as well as Charlie knew she had a young son beginning 5th grade.

He kept in contact with both me and Millie, something that made my heart burst. I had called him in the afternoon, making sure my package had arrived and laughing as he grumbled about Millie's multiple calls to make sure Bella got her present (something that felt very Millie-like).

He'd told me it arrived before Bella left to celebrate with the Cullens, that he'd make sure Bell's would call me herself as she opened my gift. I'd thanked him and left it at that.

That was a day ago.

I was pulled from the screen by an incessant buzzing on the tabletop. The screen of my Blackberry lit up, Charlie's contact showing along the screen. My brows furrowed; did he need something? I lifted my phone to my ear utter a confused hello before my heart stopped;

"You need to come down here, now." He sounded tired, far more tired than he deserved.

"What the hell are you talking about, is everything okay?"

"No," He breathed out, a shaky thing that constricted my heart. "Bells was supposed to be home hours ago Dawnie, she isn't answering her phone and no one's heard from her since school let out."

"Have you tried the Cullen's; she's usually tied to Edward's hip." I'd stood up by then, passing the length of my apartment. My phone remained pressed between my ear and my shoulder; my arms preoccupied with fiddling with pure nerves.

"That's the thing, they aren't here." This stopped me in my tracks.

"What the hell do you mean they aren't here." I gritted out, my voice almost a whisper as its sheer volume try to surpass my teeth.

I heard him sigh over the line – I could practically see him rubbing his forehead.

"Apparently they skipped town, said Carlisle got an offer in Seattle and then they just left."

I was at a loss for words. When I'd left Bella acted like she and Edward were going to be together, forever. Now she's missing and her precious Cullen was on the next flight to God knows where?

"Listen, I know it's a lot to ask and I'd understand if you'd say no but–"

"Stop it Charlie, you know I see you and Bell's as family – I'll start heading over now."

KOREY SPEAKS !

Chapter one, how're we feeling y'all?