walls

I don’t know how or when it started. The only thing I know is, I was okay in the morning when I woke up and headed to school. I was okay meeting Oliver and Jason, picking up coffee for ourselves. Oliver didn’t forget to kiss me on my forehead. Jason didn’t forget to make fun of us. I didn’t forget to smile as bright as I do everyday.

Everything was great, like it has been for the past three weeks.

Oliver and I are so much in love that Jason is praying that we get over our “honeymoon phase” - his words, not ours- soon.

A few minutes ago, I was walking down the hallway to the chemistry lab, all fine.

Now I am looking at the clock and the class has been over for a while. I am at the library, staring at the book shelf and wondering why I can’t feel a single emotion.

I am reading a classic, it’s assigned reading. The final is drawing closer. We will be done with our junior year soon enough. Sooner than I want to.

I let out a small sigh and try to concentrate on my reading. The words seem to slip right through me, their meanings non existent.

I would have felt different if I was not spiralling - that’s the thought that occurs in an instant.

The next thought is, oh no, I’m spiralling.

Then it all goes downhill, as if falling from somewhere high and crashing on the ground, suddenly so overwhelmed by the reality of it, yet not being able to feel it.

Not being able to feel was spiralling. It still is.

I close my eyes for a moment, waiting for sadness to wash over me.

I am disappointed. I am hopeless. I am sad. But not really. Because I can’t feel any of it.

In the past, I used to think I would rather feel sad and awful, than not being able to feel anything at all. I think I still think the same.

I close the book and return it to its shelf. I make it out of the library with dread somewhere underneath all of me, the dread of seeing Oliver or Jason.

It’s my first time spiralling since I have been in a relationship with Oliver. It’s my first time spiralling since I have decided to be free of the fears that has kept me from accepting love, love from Oliver, from Jason.

I am not ready to face them. I wonder if I ever will be.

I shake my head, dismissing that thought. I can do better. I can be better.

I pass by the cafeteria, not entering although lunch time is near. The bell would ring any minute. Oliver and Jason would be here before I know it.

I wish I could hide. I have nowhere to hide now.

I wish I was alone like before, when nobody cared about me.

I sit down, out in the bleachers. I have a lunchbox with me where I have packed a sandwich for myself.

As the bell rings, I take it out and take a bite.

I have no appetite.

I have always feared this inevitable day. I knew somewhere deep down this day will come. I knew my happiness wasn’t everlasting. No one's happiness is everlasting.

Life gets in the way.

Moreover, the scars I carry around, will take time to heal. I know that.

The cuts I didn’t make, but I was about to, might be invisible on my skin, but the damage it did to my mind, will take longer to heal.

Once upon a time, I abandoned myself. I remember that.

So I have to be careful, gentle and forgiving.

I have to wait and take deep breaths while it passes.

“Hey,” I turn around knowing who’s voice it is. I try a smile on my face.

I wish it was genuine.

“Where are you? ” He asks, cocking his head to a side. His dark eyes try to see through me.

He is beautiful, like always.

“Here,” I say weakly to Oliver. Offering the sandwich, I say, “Want a bite?”

He strides forward and sits down beside me with his hands in his pocket. His baby blue shirt hugs his body, making him appear softer and kinder. His messy hair and dark eyes doesn’t betray though.

“It’s been forever since I saw you like this, ” I realize he is speaking.

“Like what? ” I ask, smiling, but dreading his answer.

Oliver shakes his head, without replying.

I look away and eat my sandwich in silence.

“You know, Jason is planning to go camping, ” Oliver says, “Did he tell you? ”

“Now?” I ask him, “The final is so close.”

Oliver rolls his eyes, “You think he cares about that?”

I chuckle, “No need. I am here to do that for him.”

Oliver slides his fingers into mine and gives my hand a little squeeze.

I swallow nervously but don’t say anything.

“The lunchtime is over, isn’t it?” I ask looking around.

People are getting back to the building from the field. So I stand up as well.

Oliver gazes at me from where he is sitting.

“Can you promise me something?” He says suddenly.

I avoid his gaze, “What?”

He stands up and lifts my chin so I am looking at him. I have no choice so I do.

I look at his eyes. He nods.

We leave for class.

*****

I can hear the tick of the clock. Time is passing as it always does.

I am here wondering how I get so much energy to go on sometimes.

I become someone else.

I admire that Gwen, the funny, wild and impulsive one. She takes actions. She does things. She makes things better. She is interesting.

I am just floating without any aim. I am boring, just as Faye had said. I am uninteresting, like Dean might have thought.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

Worst of all, I am not even sad.

Maybe I fall asleep. Maybe I don’t. I can’t really tell. I exist through sleeping, dreaming and waking up, time and again. Then I see the soft light of dawn filtering through the window.

It will be morning soon. Another day is ahead of me and I have to pretend I’m fine.

I don’t have any energy to do so.

I have gone through this so many times, I know what follows. I will feel extremely sad some days later. If not sad, then emotional for no apparent reason.

I’d have to fight my tears if somebody hugs me.

Then fun Gwen will return. Everything will be alright again.

It’s exhausting; this cycle- the spiraling, the falling, the reviving. All of it takes a toll on me.

Yet, when I’m alright, I seem to forget all about it. I think I won’t care if I get sad again.

I sigh and hear Mom calling me from downstairs. I guess it’s time for breakfast.

Thank God, it’s Saturday and I don't have school.

I make it there to the breakfast table after washing up. I put on nice clothes. I tied my hair into a bun. I look great.

Wish I felt great too.

My mom and dad talks about this and that. They tell me they have to go out and will come home late. I shrug and finish my breakfast.

My grades have gotten better lately. That’s all they need from me for now. Then I’ll be in senior year and they’d want me to go to an Ivy League college with a scholarship. If I do that, I’d have carried out my duties nicely, just like my brother.

We will be such a successful and happy family.

****

I don’t know how long I have been lost in my thoughts. The playlist I have had on has ended long ago.

I have been lost in silence.

Even though I can’t really feel it, it hurts.

I wish I could cry.

I hear the bell ring. Someone knocks loudly on our front door. They are probably looking for my parents.

I don’t feel the need to check who’s there.

After a while, it stops. Whoever came is gone. I return to doing nothing at all, this time, with less alert.

Nobody can hold me down to the ground.

****

“Gwen?”

I turn to the window, from where the voice seems to come from.

I sit up immediately. The book I have been trying to read for the past few hours lay in the middle of my bed.

I walk to my window and pull the curtains aside.

I open it hurriedly.

“What are you doing here?” I grab his arm and pull him inside my room.

“You weren’t picking up your phone, ” Oliver says finally getting inside and letting out a breath as if he had been holding it.

“You are crazy,” I say, rolling my eyes.

“Not by choice,” Oliver says and walks to my night stand. He picks up my phone and shows it to me.

30 missed calls. Text notifications from Jason and Oliver.

I wince a little on the inside. I have a really bad habit of keeping my phone on silent and then forgetting I have a phone.

“Sorry,” I say.

Oliver puts it back there and sits down on the edge of my bed.

“Jason dropped by earlier and you didn’t open the door, ” He says, leaning back, sitting relaxedly.

“Oh,” I say as I walk towards the bed and sit down beside him, “I thought someone was looking for mom or dad maybe.”

“So he went to my house and told me maybe you guys weren’t home,” Oliver says, “And I called your mom.”

My eyes widen at his words. They really went great lengths to find me.

“She said she is out of town with your dad and you are at home, ” Oliver says and sits straight.

His face flushes a little and that makes me wonder if mom said something more.

“What else did she say? ” I ask him, poking him on the ribs.

“Never mind, ” He waves trying to dismiss it. “Nothing of importance. ”

“Like not to try something funny with her daughter? ” I say rolling my eyes. I know my mom very well. “They will be back before 10 anyways, so what's the worry?”

Oliver shakes his head, “They said they might have to stay the night. ”

I raise my eye brow, “Really?”

“Yep.”

“Hmm,” I look at him, “So your girlfriend is alone at her house, she might be for all night long. How do you feel acquiring that information, Mr. Oliver Carlson?”

“I acquired it from her mother,” Oliver deadpans.

I laugh. Oliver pokes gently on my cheek.

“How are you?” He asks so suddenly that I stop laughing.

I feel the urge to look away.

He tricked me into feeling comfortable and then dropped the bomb.

“I-umm,” I stutter.

“Come here,” He says with no expression on his face as he opens his arms to pull me into a hug.

Classic Oliver.

I lean onto his shoulder. It occurs to me for the first time that he knows.

He knew it before this started.

He knew it ever since he found me and fell in love with me.

I close my eyes. I expect to feel a wave of emotion to swept over me. I expect tears to fill my eyes and threaten to roll onto my cheeks.

Nothing happens.

I remain there leaning onto his shoulder, engulfed in a hug, breathing in and out.

“You-” I start the sentence but can’t finish it.

I want to say, couldn’t you find someone better to fall in love with? I want to ask, how long  he can endure this with me.

I think of pushing him away and faking I am fine like I always do.

I do none of that. Instead, I keep my words to myself and hug him tighter, wishing it would fill me up with something I need and don’t have.

“If Jason saw us now, what would he say?” Oliver asks casually, his chin resting on top of my head.

“There they go again. The honeymoon couple,” I say, laughing.

“He is the one who played cupid, quite aggressively and enthusiastically. Literally from the start. Since day one. ” Oliver says scoffing.

I chuckle, “Since Doughty’s party? ”

“Yep,” Oliver replies, “He has never let it go since then. ”

“Now if he sees us holding hands, he starts rolling his eyes,” I say, “Lovingly mocking.”

“If he keeps doing that, soon he will able to discover the contents of his brain,” Oliver replies, “He will become famous.”

I laugh and pull back. Something heavy grows in my chest despite that.

Oliver had walls around him that I saw and broke through. He let me in despite his fears. He let me destroy it to the ground and stayed there for me.

What I couldn’t see was that I had even stronger walls put up around myself. Those I have built for years as a way to protect myself from other people. I knew I’d never let anyone in. At the same time, I didn’t. As a result, Oliver got hurt. The walls that were supposed to protect me, ended up hurting the one person I love.

Call it trauma, fear or paranoia.

It hurt me too. When I realized it, Oliver had already forgiven me.

But I still have a long way to go.

I look at his dark eyes, “We will be alright.”

Oliver smiles, “I know.”

I nod.

“I know because-” Oliver puts his palms on my cheeks, “Unlike other times, you have let me in.”

I am glad he knows.

He broke the walls.

He is in.

I can be free someday. Finally.

****