10. WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT

Aiden's body was burning up.

The insufferable warmth that covered him from head to toe caused him to eventually stir awake and he felt like he had hundreds of blankets on top of him. He hated it.

As he slowly blinked out of the drunken stupor that he'd fallen in earlier, the whiskey having hit him harder tonight than it ever had before, it didn't take long for the panic to settle heavy in his chest while an overwhelming sense of regret slapped him hard across the face simultaneously.

It'd only been a few hours since he made a complete fool out of himself in front of Julian and, unfortunately, Aiden hadn't been drunk enough to forget it all. In fact, he remembered a lot of what he said and did. The memories came rushing back to him at a frighteningly fast pace that, for a moment, it was almost as if he was watching a film in his head; a film of him and Julian talking, laughing, touching, and connecting with one another in ways that – because of their working status – should have been forbidden.

Oh my fucking hell... What the fuck is going on here?! Fully conscious, Aiden finally registered the awkward position that he was in and it took everything for him to not jump out of the bed screaming.

Currently, he had a boner. Quite the uncomfortable kind. But that wasn't the problem. The problem was how he and Julian were so tightly intertwined with one another. How and why. Aiden was currently spooning his sleeping bodyguard, hugging him close as if he were afraid Julian would disappear if he dared to loosen his grip. They were lying in the center of Aiden's large bed, their bodies pressed together so tightly that it produced an uncomfortable heat.

"Holy s-shit!" Aiden whispered in a frantic tone, his pulse accelerating as he carefully began to untangle himself from Julian.

Aiden had so much on his mind right now that he could barely think straight, but there was one thing that he couldn't ignore or deny about the kiss – the many kisses – that he shared with Julian earlier and it was that he actually enjoyed it. Thoroughly. Immensely.

Julian McAndrew was the first and only man that Aiden had ever gone after, drunk or sober; the only man that he wanted to go after. He's shared kisses with dozens upon dozens of beautiful women in his past, had plenty of passionate sex filled nights with various single ladies, but none of those past experiences had been on the same level that his kiss with Julian had been on.

None of those women had been able to take Aiden's breath away with just one look. One flash of a smile. One mind-blowingly out of this world kiss.

There was no question about it.

Aiden wanted Julian. Wanted him in ways that he was so damn ready for but also very unfamiliar with and that realization was fucking terrifying.

No, no, no! How could I have been so fucking stupid?! Aiden was racked with fear after he separated from Julian, his confusing thoughts scattered all over the place.

Aiden went into his bathroom, the nearest place that he could think of to hide, and then quietly shut the door behind him. No longer in control of his thoughts, he let his body lead him into the shower, still in his pajama pants, and then he turned on the cold water as if he were on fire and needed to be dowsed out.

Shit! Shit! Shit! Aiden dropped to the shower floor, cradling his head in his hands, before rocking back and forth. I kissed him. I can't believe I fucking kissed him...

It was hard for him to catch his breath. He felt like crying but no tears fell from his eyes. Maybe he was having a panic attack? He didn't know. All that he knew was that he'd fucked up. Severely. And once again, for the third time in his life, he felt as if the walls were starting to close in on him. Though, this time, they were moving even faster than what they'd done before.

What the hell am I supposed to do now? I can't just go back out there and pretend like it didn't happen. How am I supposed to face him after we... He didn't know how much time had passed, but Aiden was starting to shiver. It was time for him to get out of the shower, get out of the fucking bathroom and face the music.

Face Julian.

Damn it, my clothes! Fuck. What the hell is wrong with me tonight? I'm losing it, losing my fucking mind entirely... Aiden grumbled as he exited the shower with his wet clothes, now not having anything to wear but the fluffy white towel that hung on the towel rack.

Aiden had been in such a rush to get away from Julian to get his mind right that he foolishly jumped in the shower with his pajama pants still on. Quietly muttering a bunch of expletives, Aiden peeled out of his clothes and then snatched the thick towel from off the rack to dry himself off. He wrapped it tightly around his waist, inhaled and exhaled deeply, before opening the bathroom door and stepping out.

His eyes immediately landed on Julian, who was now wide awake, sitting on the edge of the bed, a hard scowl on his handsome face as he met Aiden's gaze.

"Enjoy your shower?" Julian asked sharply.  "I hadn't intended to fall asleep here with you, by the way. I just felt bad that you drank so much and passed out the way you did; I stayed behind to watch out for you. I was afraid that you might wake up half asleep needing to puke or something thanks to all the alcohol you downed, and being that you were practically immobile, I didn't want you to end up choking and dying on your own vomit."

"I-I'm not gay!" Aiden blurted out like a stammering idiot, having completely ignored everything that Julian had said. "I-I'm not gay. I like women, only women. I'm sorry." For being such a fucking idiot with you, I'm sorry...

Julian rolled his eyes after he stood from the bed to march towards the door of the room, practically radiating with anger. "I know what you are, Grayson. And I'm sorry, too."

"For what it's worth, I'm really, really sorry for what I did! Honestly. I-I was stupid, and the whole thing was unprofessional as fuck on my part. I drank way too much, which isn't an excuse for my behavior, but I just... I know that I shouldn't have come on to you like that. I don't even know why it got that far. I don't know why I kis..."

As he and Julian stared at each other, time pausing just for them, Aiden couldn't seem to bring himself to say the word out loud even though he knew that he was the one that made the first move. He knew that he was the one who had initiated the kiss – not Julian. So why couldn't he admit with his own mouth, using his own words out loud, that he wanted to kiss his bodyguard? He wanted – still wants – to kiss him. Over and over and over and—

"It won't happen again," Aiden said. "I mean it. It won't happen again."

"Have a good rest of your night, Grayson," Julian murmured, placing a hand on the doorknob, getting ready to leave the room.

What the fuck is up with this guy? I just apologized. Why isn't he accepting it?  Before he knew it, Aiden was walking towards Julian. "Hey, what's your problem? Was my apology not good enough for you or something?"

The attitude behind the question set Julian off, his patience with his boss having reached the max limit.

"What's my problem?" Julian was red in the face and felt like he wanted to burst into a million pieces when he spun around to face Aiden. "Look, I get it, okay? You kissed a man for the first time, I'm assuming, and now you're probably going through a hard time right now with your feelings and what not and – you know what, I'm actually not even mad about that. What I'm mad about are your actions that followed the kiss. After I thoughtlessly returned your stupid fucking kiss, and after I accidentally fell asleep next to you on your bed, I can't help but be a little offended to wake up and see you jumping out of bed to run into the bathroom to take a fucking shower like you were covered in shit."

Having jumped to conclusions for why Aiden did what he did, Julian was beyond furious. He couldn't remember the last time when he was this pissed off.

"What's your issue, Grayson? Do you feel dirty now that you've kissed a man, felt me up? Are you afraid that you'll catch what I have? Because news flash, you can't catch homosexuality! It's not a fucking sickness."

"It wasn't even like that! I-I didn't mean to offend you when I..." Aiden paused, struggling to find the right words to say. "I was just really nervous, alright!? I didn't know what the fuck to do when I woke up and found myself wrapped around you. I panicked! And honestly, I'm still a little bit confused about everything that's happened, confused for why I would've done something so..." Reckless and stupid. "Can you really stand here and bitch at me for waking up and freaking out? How about you try to put yourself in my fucking shoes before jumping down my throat and assuming the wrong thing because as I've said once before, I'm not a bigot. I apologize, again, if I offended you by doing what I did, but I just needed to get away so that I could clear my head. I couldn't think properly while I was... spooning you. And I didn't actually take a fucking shower; I just stood there thinking about everything that I... that we...did. I was just trying to process everything. That's it."

After hearing where Aiden was coming from, Julian calmed down a bit, suddenly feeling like a total asshole for having snapped the way he did.

"I'm willing to forget about everything that happened if you are. I mean, if that's what you really want."

If that's what you really want... really, really want...

Julian's words echoed in Aiden's mind for several seconds afterward; echoed so loud that he actually had to take a minute to think about it, and even ask himself if this was what he really wanted. Did he really want to forget about everything that had happened between him and Julian tonight despite how good it all felt? Did he really want to move on from today as if none of it - the flirting, the kissing, the spooning - had ever occurred?

"I'm not sure what it is that you want me to say," Aiden replied, his hands starting to shake from how nervous he felt as Julian stood there staring at him like he was the only thing in this world that he cared about. "This is new to me. I've never been with another... I've never kissed a..." Aiden sighed, shaking his head, frustrated. "I'm sorry. I just can't think about this right now. Please don't make me. I don't want to say something that might—"

"I understand. You're not ready yet. I get it," Julian cut him off with a forced smile and felt almost as uncomfortable as Aiden looked right now.

Julian has little right to feel a way about Aiden's indecisiveness because, at the end of it all, he should have known better. He shouldn't have returned Aiden's kiss. He should have been smarter. He should have had better control over himself, but instead, he acted out just as recklessly as Aiden had. And now, in their own way, both men have to deal with the mistakes that they've made tonight.

"Since you're back on your feet, I guess I'll go look into finding you a private investigator," Julian said, an impassive look on his face. "If you need me, I'll be downstairs."

"Thanks," Aiden replied, but not fast enough to where Julian would hear it because he'd sped out of the room with a quickness.

Aiden shut the door before turning and sliding down it, taking the same position that Julian had taken earlier after they kissed, and then he cursed at himself. Scolded himself harshly for having crossed a line with his bodyguard that he definitely shouldn't have.

. . . .

This is only an excerpt. The full book can be read on Ream Stories for free. Link in bio.

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