Chapter 34: Neither Forgotten Nor Gone
Another week passed before I could leave the hospital and it would be another two months before the court hearing. Everyone would need to strategize and go over what to say and how to say it, but today all we were interested in doing was to celebrate my discharge from the hospital. Neesa had convinced us to give ourselves time to have fun after a roller coaster ride. To add to the joyful occasion, Keith had some theories about the reversibility of Moira's memory loss and although he wasn't sure his research could be any help ("I used mice in my experiments, Nardho, and you know how animals have different physiology compared to humans and thus I can't promise I can replicate the results of my experiments when it comes to your wife") I still wanted to know what was on his mind. He said he had been perfecting a headset similar to the Somnodora but didn't require its users to sleep to access their old memories. He had offered to show the workings of the device, which he called Recordatio Dulcis, at our backyard barbecue.
The smell of tomato sauce and dry rubs wafted in the air as Moira and I made our way to where Neesa and Keith had cranked up the grill. Rain and Vannie were in charge of bringing out the plates, utensils, and napkins. Meanwhile, Nardhia and Tony also busied themselves indoor, making fruit punch from watermelon and plain syrup. In the corner, George was bending over a table while chatting with Kenta and Johan as they skewered marinated shrimps and pineapples.
"So, George, did you say this marinade is also the same one you use on Blanche Pizzeria's wildly popular seafood pizza?" Kenta piped up as he grabbed more skewers. "Is that pickled garlic and pink salt I smell in the marinating bowl? Plus freshly-picked thyme and parsley?"
"I'm not sharing my recipe with you!" George stuck his tongue out. "Good luck guessing."
"Oh, he can guess ingredients in fusion foods pretty accurately!" Johan beamed. "Dude's got amazing tongue that detect even the subtlest taste profile. Don't be surprised if he becomes a copycat and unlock your secrets! We mere peasants must bow down to the king of culinary arts!" he dramatically bowed and George followed suit before giving Johan an amused toothy grin.
"Eh, as long Mr. Kinoya doesn't monetize the recipe he's stolen, we're good!" the pizza shop owner laughed. "I don't want a competition from supremely talented food connoisseur like him."
"Kenta is not competitive at all!" I chuckled. "Ambitious, yes, but he competes with no one."
"The only person I'm competing with is my younger self," Kenta shrugged. "That's how I find the motivation to keep improving my crafts. I have to continually learn and re-learn stuff."
"Wise words from a sage!" I nudged him before turning my attention to my brother. "I'm glad you're cracking jokes, Johan. Feeling a bit better? Your counselor must be very skilled."
"There are still crappy days," he sighed. "But I'm trying hard to focus on staying in the moment. I used to be unable to snap out of psychosis episodes, but now I can control them to an extent."
"That's a good start!" I squeezed his shoulder. He grimaced. "Oh, sorry. No touching?"
"Johan didn't mean to react defensively," Kenta reassured me. "He's got a long way to go before that irrational reflex completely goes away. He's still worried about killing us through touches."
"What are you guys chattering about? Could Vannie and I get a hand here?" Rain interjected before pointing at their partner, whose head was hidden behind a pile of plates. "That stack of porcelain plates is heavier than it looks. I get that Neesa doesn't want to use paper plates because they're wasteful, but for a casual barbecue this is kind of over the top."
"I'm happy to help you carry them!" Moira flashed her pearly whites as she took several plates from Vannie. Rain signed their thanks, nodded, and held the door to the backyard wide open.
"The grill is now fired up!" Keith waved at us. "Neesa has set down the beef brisket and chicken thighs, there are some aluminum foil-wrapped zucchinis and Brussel sprouts too, let's lay down the shrimps," he said while handing me a pair of tongs. "Oh, and I'll tell you about Recordatio Dulcis. You were originally a biochemistry major before you pursued music, right, Nardho?"
"Yup!" I bobbed my head. "This invention of yours, you created it base on biological and chemical principles? You've been researching more about the limbic system, haven't you?"
"Yeah. In between tracking Linda down, I also studied up on the latest scientific breakthroughs surrounding hippocampus and amygdala. My device is primed with the ability to strengthen synaptic plasticity. It works better, however, when in combination with certain drugs."
"Moira has tried many different memory-retention drugs but none of them work effectively enough for her to retain recovered memories long term. What I mean is that the drugs from her physicians do help her hold on to what little memories we could recover, but only short term. So far, the longest she could remember memories from two or three decades ago for was about 15 hours. We don't really know what to do to ensure she can keep those memories permanently."
"And the side effects of those neurotransmitter-related drugs were horrible!" Moira added, frowning. "The first prescription drug I got was oxytocin pills. Supposedly, this amino acid helps prevent the build-up of beta amyloid in my brain from weakening connections between brain cells. We had hoped that this is the key to repairing and protecting my central nervous system, but all I got were cramps, rapid weight loss, appetite loss, and vomiting."
"That sounds rough, I'm so sorry you had to go through that," Keith replied while flipping a steak. "Did you have the same adverse reactions to cholinesterase inhibitors? I tried injecting some to my mice and they threw up, so I wonder if humans would be reacting like that too."
"That happened to me, yes." Moira nodded sadly. "What else did you try on those poor mice?"
"Nothing else. The next drug I developed, I tried it on myself!" Keith answered as he transferred some mustard-smothered flanks onto a party tray. "Glutamate regulator. It has very mild side effects, just dizziness, nausea, and headache, but it was effective in doing its job strengthening transmission of messages between various brain cells crucial in memory processing."
"That's a step in the right direction!" Johan, who had been silently listening and standing to the side, clapped. "So, you use this drug combined with Recordatio Dulcis? Would you mind if I wanna try it?" he said expectantly before sighing. "There's a vision that has been troubling me because I wasn't certain if what I saw unfolded really happened or if it is part of my psychosis. If your machine can trigger that scene back then maybe it is indeed a fragment of my memories."
"You sure?" Keith studied Johan's face. "Okay, if you can handle the side effects. Let's do this in the living room after we're done with lunch. What type of scene did you see, anyway?"
"One of a few dates I went to with someone I shouldn't have roped into disproving the claims of conversion therapy," Johan's lips quivered. "She said something that could have foreshadowed the tragedy that befell her. I was too late. I wish it didn't take me decades to catch onto it."
"Johan..." Kenta called softly. "I don't think you were being manipulative of her. You truly thought you could convert yourself but now you know the error of that mindset. There's no use torturing yourself like this. Even mental health professionals can't always foretell a suicide."
"No, you deserve to know the truth, hikari. Her suicide wasn't spontaneous."
---
The gentle sound of falling snow hitting the cobblestone quadrangle in front of the xenobiology student dormitory accompanied Johan as he exited the lobby of the boys' wings and stood at the entrance to the girls' wings. He counted to ten before knocking the blue door adorned with carvings of orchids and the university's motto: Verax Ipsi Esto—To Thine Own Self Be True.
The doorknob turned with a click and then came the sound of light footsteps before a girl in white rose-patterned red tank top and denim short appeared, smiling brightly.
"You're as fashionable as ever!" Johan exclaimed. "Good attire to go to a brewery in."
"You're not bad yourself, Johannes." Sherlyn shoved his shoulders. "Look at those plaids."
"Thanks, I got some help choosing what to wear to my first jazz band gig."
"All eyes will be on you when you sing!" Sherlyn giggled. "But I'll let everyone know you're taken. The singer and the oboe player. We will rock the whole damn brewery tonight!"
Johan shuffled his feet before muttering some incomprehensible words. Sherlyn continued giggling before taking his arm in hers. "Everyone will know I date the handsomest guy on our dormitory! If you haven't noticed, all the single girls dream of having you as their boyfriend."
"You're exaggerating!" Johan put his free arm in his jeans pocket. "I'm not the handsomest."
"Well, you're certainly better than that lame nerd you've always sit next to in Lee-sensei's class!" Sherlyn quipped. "Why are you even friends with him when you're so popular?"
"You shouldn't judge someone based on their popularity or lack thereof," Johan blushed and stared at his shoes. "Kenta is admirable too. He's always giving his best in class presentation."
"Which means he doesn't know how to let his hair down! He's boring!" Sherlyn put her hands on her hips. "Wait. Johannes, your face is so red. Are you cold? I can get you a scarf."
"I'm okay, just jittery thinking about going on stage," he waved his hand dismissively. "Really."
"I want you to promise me one thing." Sherlyn's greyish ocean storm eyes suddenly locked on his earthy brown ones. "Don't ever cheat on me, Johannes. I'll crumble if you ever do."
"I'd like to believe I'm not a two-timer and will never be," he said as his eyes darted to the motto engraved on the door. "But I'm curious. Have you ever been cheated on by your exes?"
"What exes?" Sherlyn scoffed. "All my life, guys rejected me left and right because I was too much of a Plain Jane. Then on the night of my high school graduation I vowed to transform myself into a swan so that I can start dating in college. You're the first person who didn't outright reject me when I confessed," she clung onto him tighter. "This still feels surreal."
---
Johan turned off the device and looked at Kenta with misty eyes. "I was a cheater. She was anxious about me cheating but I did it anyway. I chose you over her and so she crumbled, like she warned me she would. She must have thought I was the meanest guy she's ever met."
"She has issues, teddy, it wasn't on you!" Kenta retorted. "She was borderline clingy."
"Sherlyn had a deep-rooted fear of rejection and I became a rejecter despite knowing it would push her over the edge. How can I live with this rude awakening? How?"
"Her fragile self-esteem wasn't your responsibility to fix," I chimed in. "You weren't at fault."
"Please listen to Nardho!" Moira spoke up. "Johan, you can't be everyone's knight in shining armor or a prince on a white horse. Sherlyn needed saving but she needed to do it herself."
"I know I can't. But Sherlyn, she was so innocent. The type to dream of someone to lead her up a stairwell like in some fairytale. I shattered the princess' dreams, Moira. Don't sugarcoat it."
"Please give us a minute." Kenta scooted closer to Johan. "Teddy, we need to talk. Outside."
"Are you mad at me? I know I deserve a stern talking to. What I did was unjustifiable."
"Outside. Now. I'm not mad but there's something I need you to hear in private."
---
"What do you think Kenta needs to say to your big bro?" Tony stared at the windows.
"Hey, no staring!" Nardhia folded her arms and pouted. "Don't be nosy. It doesn't matter as long as it calms Johan down. My guess is that Kenta reminds him how much he's loved by everyone."
"Love..." George muttered and glanced at Keith, then Neesa. "Ms. Johnson, do you love my dad? What do you like the most about him? Is it his intelligence? His compassion?"
"We've only been together for barely a month, kid!" Neesa laughed. "Love takes time to develop, that's what I've learned from observing my cousin and her husband. I do admire your old man, but it's too early to drop the L-bomb. I do hope one day I'll say it to him."
"Georgie, she's not going to replace your Maman," Keith ruffled his son's hair. "Neesa is her own person and I'm not with her because I need a replacement, I'm with her because she makes me laugh, she makes me feel alive, and it feels like the right time to have a significant other again," he took a deep breath. "Do you want to share your memories of Maman with her?"
"Pour quoi?" George looked away, a tear trickling down his cheek. "Pourquoi veux-tu que je revive notre moment le plus vulnérable? Vous deux pourriez encore rompre. Il n'y a aucune garantie qu'elle sera dans notre famille pour toujours."
"What is he saying? Family?" Neesa whispered. "Was what I said offensive? I didn't mean to be insensitive. George, you and your dad will always be a family. Nothing can come between you."
"He's afraid we'll break up and he'd open up his heart in vain," Keith translated. "Georgie, I'm not forcing you to do anything. It was merely a suggestion. Only share what you're comfortable sharing, no more and no less. I understand that you treasure your Maman very much."
"Dans ce cas, je partagerai la dernière fois que je me souviens de l'avoir vue vivante," George wiped his tears. "Ms. Johnson, I'll show you what a brilliant woman my mother was."
----
A heavily pregnant turquoise-eyed woman sat overlooking a garden full of burgundy amaryllis. There were several of those same flowers sticking out of the long strands of golden locks that rested on her shoulders. She hummed a nursery rhyme in French, periodically stroking her belly.
"What are you humming, Adrienne?" a man with chestnut brown hair and sapphire eyes approached, carrying a small boy with aquamarine eyes. "It's a lovely melody for a lovely morning. You look healthy. I hope the baby is healthy too!"
"Au Clair de la Lune," the woman smiled. "It indeed is a soothing song."
"We bring you a Mother's Day gift! Well, it's for the baby too!" the little boy in the man's arms jumped down and handed his mother a sunflower. "May I put it in your hair?"
"Of course, Georgie! This is a marvelous gift from you and your father," Adrienne's smile grew brighter. "Pierre would be delighted to know how much you guys cherish him."
"Oh, you've decided on a name for the little one!" Keith kissed his wife's stomach.
"When Pierre is finally here I'm going to be the best big brother in the entire Indigo Inferno!" George hugged his mother. "He and I are going to open a pizza restaurant! We'll be famous."
"You don't want to teach your younger brother how to work in a laboratory with me?" Keith asked. "You can be famous that way too. Imagine finding a cure to save billions of lives."
"Oh, let him have his own dreams, Keith!" Adrienne's laughter were as sweet as the first ripe ambrosia apples of autumn. "Being a pizza maker is good too. He'll bring happiness to many hungry all-nighters and party-goers everywhere. He'll be famous for having the freshest ingredients. Imagine that: really gooey mozzarella on top of perfectly crispy crust."
"Haha, okay!" Keith laughed along with her. "As long as he's happy, I'm happy too."
---
By the time he turned off the memory-projecting device, George's eyes were puffy and the sleeves of his jacket were stained. "Pierre was never born," he choked. "But I did fulfill my childhood dream of owning a pizza place. I hope wherever he and Maman are they're proud of me. I know I'm not making a difference in this world like dad does, but I have a good life."
"And your life will get even more amazing," Keith pulled him and Neesa into a hug. "It is okay if you're missing your Maman every day because I do too, but now that Neesa is part of our lives you can confide in her if you so choose. She's eager to get to know you, mon fils."
"And she's not the only one you can talk with," Moira glanced at me. "Nardho knows the meaning of grief on a deeply personal level, George. He can be your confidant too."
"You will, Mr. Sitohang? Even after I lost my composure at that abandoned supermarket?"
"George, I was once your age. Being petrified by fear is normal, you didn't mean to side with Linda!" I replied. "Yes, you can confide in me. Think of me like an uncle if you want."
"T-Thank you very much," his voice broke. "I'm so glad our paths have crossed."
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