December 14th 2626, 10:00 A.M.

Black Elm. It felt good to be back on my home planet, even if I landed on the side I was unfamiliar with. There was an old phrase that "you can't go home again" but frankly I never understood what it meant. As far as I was concerned, you could go home numerous times even if your home had changed from the last time you were there and was no longer the way you remember it to be. In my case, home stayed the same but I was just seeing it from another angle.

For the duration of our extended stay, our professors had divided us into three groups: one to study seahorse bone structure and morphology, one to study parasites that attack seahorses, and one to study the role of plankton and algae in the food chain seahorses are in. By sheer dumb luck, Moira and I were put on the third team, along with Tony. Our first assignment was to go to a facility where many different types of algae were grown. We were supposed to talk to a researcher who our professors had trusted to guide us through the process of growing algae.

The three of us sat in silence in the waiting room before a slender lady in white lab coat greeted us. She seemed to be in her mid to late twenties and vaguely reminded me of two people in my life. I wasn't dreaming, was I? Maybe Indigo Inferno solar system really was this tiny.

"Are you guys the Blue Orchid students Prof. Gibran-Kumar has sent to learn more about cultivating algae?" she smiled at us.

"We are," Tony nodded. "What should we call you, ma'am?"

"I'm Akira Kinoya. You can call me by my first name if you like."

Kinoya? Hm. Figured.

"Are you related to Kenta?" Moira asked the question that was also on my mind.

"I'm his cousin," she replied, maintaining her cheery mannerism. "His uncle Lee is my dad."

"Really?" Moira raised an eyebrow. "I thought Lee told me his daughter studied computer science, not biochemistry."

"Aye, that was the plan," she said. "But I took a detour. It helped me feel connected to my late dad, too, now that I am a biochemist just like he was."

A detour? Now, that would be something I needed to hear for myself. Maybe she could help me get a sense of purpose. How did Akira manage to stay happy after her father's death?

"Akira," I extended a hand. "I'm Nardho and I'm sorry for your loss. If you don't mind, would you care to talk with me after our appointment is over?"

"I've heard about you and what my dad did for you," she shook my hand. "For the record, if you ever feel guilty about his death, don't. He made it clear before his passing that he was proud of everyone he mentored and wished nothing but the absolute best for you kids."

"That was nice of him," Moira chimed in.

"He was always nice," Akira agreed with a tone of reminiscence in her voice. "I understand if you guys want to know more about him and I would be happy to answer any question you have. For now, let's focus on the task at hand."

Akira led us to what seemed to me a storage or a tool shed. Upon entering it, however, it was evident that she had taken us to a mini indoor pool of sort, except it was full of algae. The smell of salt overwhelmed me but I was grateful at least it was not the smell of chlorine--that one smell could make me sick.

"Before we begin our discussion on how algae is an essential player in the oceanic food web, I would like to discuss eutrophication because it is a related concept," Akira started the lecture. "It happens when there are excess nutrients, but could you tell me what the effects of eutrophication are on the aquatic ecosystem it is found in?"

Tony raised his hand. "If eutrophication is left unchecked, it can cause not only a decrease in the water quality but also a significant reduction in the population of underwater species who live around it."

----

After the lecture on algae, Akira and I had a private talk outside of the research facility. She listened attentively as I summarized how I had been feeling lost and empty the past few weeks, mostly because of the situation with me being a lung transplant recipient but also because I had no idea if I still wanted to become a biochemistry major or if I should switch to something else.

"Lately, I'm like a traveler who drifts around without a map. I'm purposeless, simply a soulless being going through the motion," I stared at the sand beneath my feet, "so I guess what I want to know is how I can find my spark once more. Akira, was the reason you switched from computer science to biochemistry related at all to the concept of finding one's spark?"

"In a way, yes," she looked at me with a steely gaze. "A person can definitely have more than just one spark, Nardho. You don't have to put yourself in a box. If something makes you feel alive, then embrace it. I was happy when I studied computer science for my Bachelor's and I continued on to become a successful programmer, but somewhere along the way I started getting involved with a biochemist, who I'm now happily married to," her lips curved upward slightly.

"Was your spouse the one who inspired you to study biochemistry?" I risked a guess.

"Yes, he was," she replied, her smile not leaving her face. "He made me realize that I can have the best of both worlds. It is possible to combine biochemistry with computer science! Do you know what I'm doing in this facility? I'm programming an App designed to track the exponential growth of algae in various different environments. It's of course an interdisciplinary undertaking. But enough about me, let's switch back to you! Why did you choose to study biochemistry?"

"I can't remember why," I shrugged uncomfortably. "I saw how happy my big brother's partner seemed to be being a biochemist and now a writing assistant, so I suppose I want to see if going down the same path he took can make me as happy as he is. Now, however, I see that I am not him and he is not me," I shuffled my feet awkwardly. "Sooner or later, I have to create my own happiness, don't I? But I don't know if I have what it take to create it, Akira."

"You do, Nardho, everyone does!" she put a hand on my shoulder, reassuring me. "Maybe you don't have to quit your biochemistry major. Maybe you can do that and pursue something else on the side, a hobby or a passion you can partake in when the going gets tough."

"I have always wanted to be a writer, but I also like music and philosophy. What do I do with those interests? How can I nurture them without abandoning my study in biochemistry?"

"You can be a song writer whose lyrics invite the listeners to philosophize about biochemistry theories?" she laughed. "Don't sweat it. You're still nineteen, right? You've got plenty of time to do soul searching. I get that right now you're feeling hopeless, but hope is out there," she pointed her finger to the horizon. "Don't ever stop looking for hope, Nardho. Keep looking."

----

December 15th 2626, 1:30 A.M.

Rain, Tony, Hamza, and Alex were asleep in our shared room. This bungalow was spacious and, although there were five of us in the same room, I never felt like I had no privacy because our beds came with curtains. This might be the fanciest sleeping arrangement I had ever been in.

I wished I could be asleep too, but instead I replayed the conversation I had with Akira. Looking for hope. Was that what I had been doing all this time, hoping to find hope itself? Perhaps I needed to speak with someone who knew firsthand what it felt like to lose hope and then find it. Didn't Johan mention that he used to be a suicidal alcoholic? Should I ring him?

It was not my place to judge him for his suicide attempt because I myself attempted the same thing, didn't I? In the back of my mind, however, I wondered if Johan and I were bad people for even thinking about suicide in the first place.

When I was younger, I asked Johan if a bad guy will always be a bad guy. That was an innocent enough question, right? My big brother being the way he always was, however, started telling me a story about leprosy.

"Nardho," he started, "you know how back then, when our ancestors didn't have the medical advances we do, if someone had skin infection then it could be a death sentence for them?"

"I do," I replied. "I learned in biology class about what bacteria is capable of and how certain types can cause skin problems and disgusting decay."

"Now, imagine if instead of bacteria eating a person alive, it is sin corrupting this person over the years."

"Then, that person becomes evil?" I asked.

"Not necessarily," he shook his head. "But he needs to be saved. Unfortunately, a sinful person can't save another sinner. We know, however, nobody is sinless."

"Oh," my heart sank. "I guess we will always be carrying our sin around like how a leper walks around with pus and wound, then."

"Not if they believe in the savior," he retorted. "Those who want to be saved shall be saved by grace and mercy of the creator."

I had no idea why I suddenly revisited that particular memory in the dead of midnight but human brains are funny like that. Speaking of people in need of saving, I certainly was one. I would have been dead if Lee did not happen to be on the organ donor list. Now what? How could I thank him when he was no longer here?

I glanced at my phone to see the time. One thirty in the morning. I did a quick calculation and deduced it must be seven thirty in Red Sycamore. Johan should be up already, doing his daily devotional. I gave it another ten minutes before calling him.

"Han, it's me. I need you to talk me out of a negative thought. Yes, I usually talk to Kenta and avoid you like the plague," I began, "but this one thought concerns a conversation we had when I was small."

"Dho? Hey, I didn't expect to have my phone ringing this early!" he exclaimed. "Which conversation are you referring to?"

"The one about leprosy. Remember you told me that if we want to be saved, we can? But you never told me what to do after we are saved. How do we thank the savior?"

"This is not exactly a theological question, is it?" he chuckled. "You're never that interested in theology. Let me guess. Lee?"

"You got me," I sighed. "Yeah. What do I do with myself? I feel like I am meant to do something to repay his kindness, but what?"

"You know how we are encouraged to spread the gospel?" he asked back.

"What does gospel have to do with my question?"

"Just hear me out. In the same way we can spread the gospel, you too can spread hope and love to others just like your late advisor once did for you and your friends."

"But how can I spread hope when I barely have any left to keep me going?"

"That's not for me to answer," he lowered his voice. "But you know how I've always said you need to extend compassion to yourself before you can be compassionate to others, right? So, first step... Be nice to yourself."

"Do you think I've been mean to myself?"

"Well, you not getting enough sleep certainly is not the epitome of being nice to yourself, is it now?"

"Touché," I snorted. "Thanks for speaking with me. I'm sorry that I've been so distant lately."

"It's partly my fault too," he whispered. "I wanted to be a better big brother for you but I did the opposite by not understanding that I can be very annoying sometimes."

"You're the only big brother Dhia and I have, Han. We're lucky to have you. I know I don't say this enough, but I love you."

"Okay," hecut me off. "Shut up before you make me cry. I love you and Nardhia too."