"Dh-Dhia...Tell Rain and everyone else that it has been an honor to be their friend." I shoved her and got up. "And I'm sorry that I can't see the project through to its completion."

"Wait! Honey, where are you headed?" Moira ran after me but I ran faster.

"Come back, you fool! We're a team and teammates help one another!" My sister's voice sounded very distant as I quickened my pace.

The two girls kept trying to chase me but they couldn't match my speed. I soon reached the outskirts of the campus.

The trees were as green as I remembered them. I smiled as I reminisced about the time I brought Moira here our freshman year. I was so hopeful and bushy-tailed back then, not weary and worn down by life.

I went down the stairs that led to a long, muddy trail. Some birds chirped and some squirrels peeked from the branches. I wondered if wild critters could ever imagine what it felt like to be a human.

The trail ended and I stood at the edge of a raging river. The water was sparkling, exactly like that one evening when I strolled along the riverbank with Moira.

I squatted down to see my reflection on the water. The face on the water was pathetic--thin, pale, and dirty. The poster boy for malnourishment. I had not been able to get my appetite up lately--everything I ate tasted like under-seasoned mashed potato. Even my favorite dish, chicken porridge, lost all of its flavors. No wonder I looked underweight.

I stretched and started gathering small stones. I got a handful before I heard a girl screaming my name.

"Don't even think of jumping! Nardho! If you jump I'll jump too!" Moira sprinted toward me.

"No, you won't. You don't know how to swim." I said emotionlessly.

"Give me the stones!" She barked.

"No." I stepped back. "Please don't tell me what to do. I'm tired. Let me rest."

"GIVE ME THE STONES!" She thundered. "You have no idea how many of us will miss you when you're gone!"

"They always say that," I spat. "They will say anything to assuage themselves of the helplessness."

"How foolish can you be? The friendships you have with Rain and Hamza and Tony, do they mean nothing to you?!"

"I am not their only friend. Frankly, I haven't even been a very good one. They'll manage without me."

"What about me? Do I mean nothing to you? What about Nardhia?"

"I've been a shitty sibling, Moira. I'm not very proud of myself."

"That's enough!" A familiar voice stopped us from continuing our argument. My twin sister appeared from behind a tree, followed by my older brother and his husband.

"Johan? Kenta? How did you find me?"

"Nardhia called us for back-up," Kenta said with his hand outstretched, asking for the stones. "She figured you're running to the river."

I refused to give him the stones but Johan's pleading eyes moved me. I gave up and let Kenta take the stones away.

"Come here," Johan called. "Come here, you're not in trouble. I just want to hug you." He called again when I didn't budge.

I buried my face in his chest and bawled. It would have been better if he reprimanded me or used his resident assistant voice on me. Why did he have to be so kind?

"You're safe now. I was so scared, it was like a race against time. I'm so glad I wasn't too late. I don't want to imagine not having my litt--" Johan stopped mid-sentence to compose himself. "You're not as alone as you think. I'm here and, believe it or not, I've been suicidal too."

"You have?!" I gasped. "But you're the strongest person I've ever known!"

"I was nineteen too when I wanted to end it all. It wasn't because of bad grades, but the logic was the same," he exhaled. "I felt as if I would always be doomed to live in misery and that there was no place for someone like me."

"Someone like you?" Moira asked hesitantly. "You mean a biracial person?"

"No, he means a gay Catholic dating a deaf Shinto." Kenta chimed in. "When he and I were sophomores, Blue Orchid wasn't as accepting, diverse, and inclusive as it is today. We dated in secret."

"The crushing weight of knowing that I couldn't hold my partner's hand in public or show him off...The pain of being disowned by my own father...That gnawed on me days in and days out." Johan winced. "I started fantasizing about what dad would say if I were dead instead."

"To hell with dad and his homophobia!" Nardhia yelled. "I'm so happy you decided not to go through with the plan. What helped you, though?"

"The rosary." Johan stared at me. "The rosary was my lifeline."

"What rosary? Oh!" I understood as he held my wrist. It was the same rosary he had given me to wrap around my wrist after my panic attack.

"But it is just a string of prayer beads. How could it hold so much power?" I was skeptical. I knew he was infinitely more religious than I was, but this was a whole new level of religiosity.

"Because it was a gift from Kenta." He smiled warmly at his partner. "It gave me hope. It made me believe that there's nothing sinful about loving someone who's different from me." He rubbed the rosary. "This was his way of saying that he's willing to bridge the differences we have."

"That's cute, but if it's so meaningful to you, how could you give it to me?"

"It's my hope that one day you'll also give it to someone who means the world to you." He patted my head. "You mean the world to me, Nardho. You and Nardhia both. Kenta too. The three of you made me the happiest man in the universe."

"I'm sorry I thought about jumping!" I tightened my embrace on him.

"From one suicide attempt survivor to another, let's just say that living is hard but when we have people who care about us it's more bearable." He said solemnly. "I hope you know how much we care about you. Don't ever forget that."

"I do now," I said as I wiped away my tears. "Were you standing here too, by this river?"

"My plan was... Not something I want to discuss at length. Just know that it involved a huge amount of alcohol."

"Johan! I thought you were against drinking." I gave him a playful punch.

"He was a heavy drinker. He repented, of course." Kenta grinned. "There is so much more you still need to discover about your brother. I believe he has some surprises up his sleeve."

"You guys are peas in a pod." Moira remarked. "I wonder if you were also into guitar and ukulele when you were Nardho's age, Johan."

"I wasn't very musical, still am not. I do know how to play harmonica, though. Perhaps you'd be interested in hearing me play later?" My brother humblebragged. 

"Sure. For now, though, let's get Nardho back to the dorm. He shouldn't be out here and someone should make sure he's not gonna be having more dark thoughts." Moira suggested.

---

Tony was waiting for me in the dormitory's living room and when he saw me he hugged me wordlessly. We stood in silence for what felt like an eternity before he told me that my sister had relayed to him the details of what I almost did by the river. I closed my eyes and the scene replayed—the sound of the flowing water, the weight of the stones in my pocket, Moira's scream, and my rebuttal at her desperate imploration. Gosh, I didn't know what possessed me.

"Tony, have you ever been so down that you stay down and forget how to get up?"

My friend mulled over my question before answering, almost in a whisper, "I have."

"But you did get up, right? Otherwise you'll not be here to hear me asking personal stuff."

"It was not that long ago," he replied. "I was just months from graduating high school and was so stoked about what could be in store for me. I applied to seven colleges and crossed my fingers. Everything was fine until the mails started coming in." He sighed. I felt a knot in my stomach.

"Uh-oh. Don't tell me all seven of them rejected you. But wait, you're here! Does it mean Blue Orchid was the only college that didn't reject you? Was Blue Orchid your last option?"

"I got rejected by three of the colleges and was waitlisted by three more. Blue Orchid offered me conditional acceptance. They accepted me on the condition that I re-take analytic geometry and algebra—the whole pre-calculus classes. This was required because I lacked the foundation to begin my xenobiology major the regular way."

"And that was a bad thing?" I asked incredulously. "At least you were not flat out rejected, Tony. In my opinion, being forced to complete some lower division pre-requisite classes and other requirements have probably made you more prepared to tackle more advanced classes."

"Yeah, I know that now, but at that time it shattered my world," Tony chuckled. "In hindsight I shouldn't be beating myself up about being weak at calculus, but the younger me was convinced that such weakness proved I shouldn't have gone to college."

"Impostor syndrome, huh? I could relate. So, how did you pull yourself up?"

"Not easy. Three weeks before Freshmen Move-In and Orientation Day, I was stress-eating until I gained unhealthy weight," Tony admitted. "My concerned parents finally give me two choices: I could skip college and find a job right away with my nonexistent work experience or I could toughen up and stop over-magnifying my flaws. Realizing that I wasn't ready for a job yet, I had no choice but to go to college. Once I got used to the rhythm of college life, I realized I worried over nothing." He ended his story with a shrug. Unsure of how to respond, I just nodded politely.

"Nardho, could you do me a favor?" Tony locked eyes with me. I gulped before saying yes. "If the urge to take your own life return, you need to go to the Health Center. They'll help you."

"I can't, Tony. They'll make me go to the psychiatric ward and I don't want that."

"As far as I know in Red Sycamore admission to the ward is voluntary," he reminded me. "They can't do anything without your consent. What they can do is ensuring your safety."

"I see. Well, in that case I suppose I'll seek help if I'm ever in a crisis again."

Tony smiled reassuringly and then he asked if I wanted to play Dungeon Master. I had no energy to focus on any video game but I knew I had to keep my mind off of depressing thoughts, so I agreed to play a few rounds of the monster-slaying game with him. The next few hours flew by and when it finally was time to go to bed I was pleasantly surprised to realize that, for the first time since my nineteenth birthday, I was able to feel grateful instead of pitying myself.