September 15th 2626

Rain had convinced me to seek counseling, but first I needed to see if Moira would be on board with the idea. I invited her to grab some fries and coke at the Giant Burger Shack. Not the best place to have a heart-to-heart conversation, yes, but in my defense it was better than meeting in the dorm's common lounge where any of our friends could interfere in our private matters.

"Thank you for coming," I began. "I was wondering if you wouldn't mind being my companion for an important thing I am about to do."

"Why all the formality?" She laughed. "I've told you that I'll always be here if you need anything, haven't I? That offer still stands, relationship or no relationship."

"That's the thing, Moira. Answer me as honestly as you can. Why do you put up with me? You could just find a better person to be affectionate and attentive with."

She dunked a piece of fry in ketchup and left it there untouched before realizing that she was playing with her food. She gave me a sheepish smile and I had to restrain myself from giggling at how nervous she was. Why did she have to be so cute?

"I'm not putting up with you, Nardho. There's nothing to put up with. I'm simply looking out for you because you need someone to look after you."

"But who'll look after you while you look after me? I don't want you to--" I started to argue but Moira's hand on top of mine stopped me in my tracks. "What are you doing?"

"You don't want me to stretch myself thin. I get it," she squeezed my hand gently and I just sat there dumbstruck. "You don't need to worry about me. Right now what you need is to resolve your issues one by one."

"I-- don't know where to begin. I was thinking of going to a counselor but I'm not sure."

"This is more or less related to Lee, right?" Moira quipped without missing a beat. "Your inability to concentrate on your assignments, your sour mood, your reclusiveness, everything is attributable to some raw and unprocessed grief."

I was stunned. Did she just peer into my soul? Was I that readable?

"Hey Nardho... I think I need to apologize for the other day." Moira fiddled with the straw in her drink.

"For slapping me?"

"Yeah. It was in the heat of the moment. I shouldn't have. You'll never ever strike me, so I feel bad about leasing out at you."

When I was slapped, I had a primal urge to slap back. Yet, a part of me understood that I was being an irrational prick. She had the justification for being cross with me. I was ready to just let it slide, but here she was, regretting what she did. Maybe we were both in the wrong.

"It was not the first time I received a slap from a girl. Besides, I probably needed to be reminded of how illogical I could be."

"Let me guess. Nardhia? You got into a fight with her?"

"Twins fight all the time and make up shortly after," I shrugged. "No big deal. We were very young and didn't know better."

"Is she the only girl you've ever allowed yourself to lay a finger on?"

"Moira, you know me," I looked up from my tray of French fries. "I can never hit any girl, even if she is my sister. The only person I've ever hit was Wyatt and he's a guy."

"I think guys should be allowed to slap back whoever slaps him first. Gender equality, right?" She raised her glass as if proposing a toast. I didn't raise mine.

"I'm not sure how to answer that. In theory, yeah, anyone of any gender should be able to defend themselves. In practice? If a man hit a woman we're quick to assume it is physical abuse or domestic abuse. If a woman hit a man? Less repercussion for her."

"So... Am I forgiven? What you said just now makes me think that there should be a consequence of my slapping you."

"How about you promise not to slap me ever again if I promise to work on my stubbornness?"

"I promise not to slap you no matter what. Violence isn't the answer."

"Damn right it isn't! Speaking of slapping, I bet you've never slapped Neesa, have you?"

"I have come close."

"You're scary, Moira. Like, from the outside you look as harmless as a butterfly on a dandelion. On the inside? You're a tigress."

"You and your ridiculous analogies. Hey, I think I know what you should change your major into."

I groaned. Changing my major shouldn't be taken lightly because it would impact how much enjoyment I got out of this college life.

"If you're gonna say Creative Writing, we're done talking." I pouted.

"Why not? You have the talent, might as well sharpen it!"

"You do realize that Creative Writing majors have regularly scheduled workshops where they criticize each other's work, right?"

"Yes, and?" She raised an eyebrow.

"And you do realize that I'm bad at receiving criticisms, right? Combine that with my anxiety, which is through the roof nowadays, and that's a surefire way to kill me."

"Oh god, you make it sound like I just told you to go to a battlefield or a slaughter house."

"You did. Here lies Nardho, he was butchered by a bunch of writers."

"Weirdest obituary ever." She laughed. Her laughter made me laugh along with her. I have missed that. I have missed laughing as if the world were a comedy show. These days I only had two moods: sad and sadder.

"Hey Moira," I called softly. "Forget what I said about wanting to be tough and not needing anyone to guide me in the labyrinth. I do need a guide after all."

----

It felt great to get back together. I was done fighting with Moira over how I should handle my out-of-control emotions. If this relationship was going to work, I needed to trust her more. I had to let her remind me to take a breather whenever I got sucked into a bottomless pit of self-hatred.

Going for counseling helped me see that I had a habit of catastrophizing things and Moira was good at noticing whenever I started blowing things out of proportion. Today was one of the days in which my exaggeration got the better of me.

Earlier this afternoon, Gibran sent me a referral to see an academic support specialist at the Academic Support Center because he was concerned over the countless number of assignments I failed to satisfactorily complete to his standard. This of course made me question my suitability to be a Blue Orchid student. If I couldn't finish my homework the way my professor expected me to, shouldn't I just drop out from the most prestigious university in the entire solar system? Maybe the admission committee made a mistake when they accepted me.

Defeated, I pocketed the referral letter and decided to go for a run. When I made my way out of the dormitory, I passed by Moira and Nardhia, who just returned from the dining hall.

"Where are you going with running shoes on?" My twin asked as if it was out of character for me to be exercising. For the record, ever since I befriended her partner Tony there was hardly a week without me being dragged to the gym, so for her to be commenting on my shoes was the real surprise.

"Nowhere," I rolled my eyes. "Of course somewhere! I'd see if I could find Tony in our usual hangout spot."

"For someone who's about to see his best buddy, you don't look excited." Moira remarked upon hearing my sarcasm.

"Spill the beans." Nardhia glared at me.

"Alright, you got me," I sighed. "The truth is that I'm on the brink of being put into academic probation."

"Probation? Nardho, what is your grade point average right now?" Moira grabbed the front of my shirt and shook me.

"It is 2.5 out of 4 so it's okay but Gibran projected that it could fall as low as 1.98 if I don't do anything."

"But you're remedying this, right? Does he give you a deadline for improving your academic standing?" Nardhia looked horrified.

"He wants me to raise my GPA to at least 3.15 at least a week before our departure to Black Elm."

"What?! But our departure is just--" Moira's eyes grew bigger but I shushed her.

"Just two and a half months away. I know. It's hopeless. I'll pack up my stuff and just go home."

"You can't be serious!" Nardhia and Moira yelled at the same time.

"I'm deadly serious. I'm a failure. I'm unwanted. Might as well go drown in a lake or something."

"No!" Moira tackled me. "There would be no drowning or any attempt at self-harm. You're catastrophizing again."

"Listen to her, you dumbass," my sister ruffled my hair. "Your situation isn't as bad as you made it out to be. Gibran referring you to the Academic Support means he still believes you can turn things around."

"In just two and a half months? Don't give me false hope."

"I'm not! I'm just saying that there's some room for negotiation if you--" Nardhia began to argue but I interrupted.

"I'm too tired to negotiate with Gibran. It's easier to just wave the white flag."

"But Nardho, if you don't negotiate with him you'd have to make a really big jump about your GPA! Going from 2.5 to 3.15 is hard, doesn't he know about your anxiety?" Nardhia's voice turned softer.

"I haven't told him yet and have no intention of telling him."

"Why not? If he knows what's up he'd be able to help you out of this mess." Moira's eyes lighted up. "I think that's the key to survive this, honey. You need to let go of your ego and lean on those who care about you."

"If I tell Gibran the root of my anxiety, it would be an insult to him."

"An insult? How? You were anxious because you feel you don't deserve to live after Lee's death, right? What does it have to do with Gibran?" My twin retorted.

"That's precisely the problem, Dhia. I don't want to make him feel like I'm comparing him to our late advisor."

"I don't think he'd see it that way," Moira reassured me. "If he is as nice as we have known him to be, he would understand that you're wrestling with unjustified survivor's guilt. He wouldn't make it personal."

"You sure?" I found her confidence in Gibran's potential reaction incredulous. "Wouldn't he take it to mean he has not been successful in filling the large hole Lee left behind?"

"I'm sure. He's a grown up, right? Grownups don't get caught up in personal enmities, especially not over a dead man." Moira gave my shoulders a squeeze.

"In any case, you need to discuss your academic future with him," Nardhia urged. "Academic probation means you won't be able to study abroad until you improve your GPA, doesn't it? It'd suck not to have my brother in Black Elm."

"What if I don't think I can no longer be as happy to go study abroad as we did last year?"

"You don't wanna go to Black Elm and spend time exploring the Amethyst Archipelago? But all the assignments we've done so far are related to studying the native species and indigenous people of that planet, so if you don't go then it's like you're missing out on all the fun!" Moira threw her hands up in exasperation.

"It's gonna be more of the same. I can't imagine it being any different than Red Sycamore. You're just switching the Gaburs for the Kulambas and the mining company ordeal with the disability community's campaigns."

"I thought you like animals!" Nardhia shouted. "What happens to my nature-loving brother? This isn't the Nardho I know. I want him back!" She shouted louder. "And I thought you promised Rain and Hamza to help them as they worked with the Crystal Lilacs tribe of Black Elm to subvert the stereotype around blindness and mutism! You also promised Vannie the same thing about wheelchair users! You gonna back out?" She continued shouting.

"Those promises were made when I was a happier person," I shrugged. "I didn't mean to betray anyone, but I guess Rain and the gang would need to go on without me."

"We need you. We need your insights and your attention to details. We need your analytical skills and--" Moira stopped going through the list when she realized I was hyperventilating on the ground.

"I can't, I can't. It's too much responsibility and I'm just an unskilled--" my own sobbing prevented me from finishing my sentence.

"Nardho, you can. You just need to--" Nardhia's words got cut short as I held on to her. "Calm down, Dho. You're gonna choke if you keep on crying."