Author's note: We are still in teenage Nardho's POV. I'm giving him a negative character arc but it's temporary. He will have happy days once he's done being stubborn, I promise. Also, if you have partners please don't be violent to them--it's hurtful. 

September 10th 2626

Dear mom,

For the past few days, I have been asking myself if Moira is happy with how our relationship is going. We haven't spent much time together lately. I have been using most of my free time going to Gibran's  and Risma's offices to catch up on things I miss in their classes. I have been unable  to focus  during lectures. Also, this sophomore project I have with Hamza et al demands too much mental energy.

I know I am falling apart. Among all of my friends, Rain is the most perceptive one. They keep urging me to re-consider my course load and my major. They are not wrong but the problem is I don't even know what I want. I chose to study biochemistry because I am good at writing lab reports but on the other hand I can also see myself pursuing a career as a musician. Perhaps I can major in both? No, no, bad idea. I can hardly handle one major, what makes me think I can handle two? Maybe a music minor is more manageable?

As cliché as it is to say this, mom, I believe there are two roads diverging in the forest and I'm conflicted over--

A knock on the door stopped me from finishing my e-mail. It was probably for the better. To be completely honest, I had a second thought about sending such a whiny e-mail to my mom. A nineteen-year-old guy should be able to handle a bit of stress, right? Nardhia majored in biochemistry too and she seemed fine, so I would be fine as well. Heck, speaking of fine, I knew people who were double majors and they didn't complain about it.

"May I come in?" Moira's voice brought me out of my aimless rumination. I let her in and she stared at my laptop's screen. Oh damn, I should have signed off. What now?

"If I were your mom, I would agree with Rain," my girlfriend began, "it is awesome that you're good at your chosen major, but if you start to lose interest in it then maybe it's better to switch gear."

I debated over whether or not to bring up my doubt about our relationship and decided that since things were already going downhill for me I might as well see how much worse it could get.

"I can't be your boyfriend anymore." I blurted. "I mean it. We aren't gonna work in the long run."

"Excuse me?!" Moira growled and stepped closer. "What gives you the right to end this one-sidedly?"

"It's too much. I'm dealing with tons of stressors and I don't wanna drag you down with my personal drama."

"You don't want to drag me down?" She scoffed and her voice rose higher. "The only person you're dragging down is yourself! Right now what you need isn't to push me away but to work on your dilemma."

"It's not your job to fix me. Besides, I've given you enough trou--" before I could finish my argument Moira's hand landed on my cheek. Did I just get slapped? The scalding pain answered my question. 

Wow. I underestimated the things she would and wouldn't do.

"Asshole!" She scolded as she fisted her hands on her sides. "You think I'll just leave you in the dark just because you're too dense to realize how far gone you've been?"

"If the table is flipped, wouldn't you want me to give up on you? Wouldn't you expect me to grow tired of being with someone who is self-absorbed?"

"Nardho Sitohang, you're officially the most frustrating person in the whole solar system." She was still frowning but her eyes no longer reflected anger. Was she... pitying me? Was she... trying to make me change my mind? But she just called me frustrating!

"See? You're frustrated with me." I stared at my feet. "That means there is no reason for you to stay, is there?"

"All the more reasons!" She raised her hand, ready to slap me again, but I caught it and pulled her into an embrace.

"You're making it so hard to say goodbye," I hugged her tighter and yet she didn't hug me back. "But my decision is final. It's unfair of me to have people cheering me up when I can't do the same for them."

"Can you just stop?!" She broke free from the tight hug, her hands on his hip. "You don't really want to break up, I can tell. You're just feeling sorry for yourself."

"No, I'm protecting you from falling into the same blackhole I am in."

"I don't need to be protected!" She said as as her palm struck my cheek once again. That surprisingly hurt more than it should. "You're always trying to protect the ladies in your life, but have you ever thought that maybe you're the one in needs of protection?"

"What I need is for you to realize that I care about you therefore I don't want you to be caught up in the whirlpool I'm in."

Silence. Moira looked as if she wanted to beat me up but couldn't be bothered to hit me anymore. I shuffled my feet uncomfortably, half-wishing that she would talk my ears off, complained, yelled, anything other than shutting her mouth.

"I have never told you the three magic words all this time," she finally said. "But you don't need to hear them for my feelings to be real. Nardho, you're testing my patience here. Suppose I agree we break up. What then?"

"Then you can do whatever you like."

"I'd like to keep checking on you from time to time."

"You... want to keep checking on me? But that would defeat the purpose of us breaking up!" I scratched my head. I have lost. There was no way to convince her to let me be alone with my spiraling yarns of anxiousness. She was willing to go into the labyrinth. What if she got trapped?

"My love for you needs no label," she sighed before continuing. "Love comes in many forms, wasn't that what you said when I asked you many months ago about the meaning of love? So, even if we aren't romantically involved anymore, you can't ask me to just get rid of all the feelings I've accumulated."

"Moira..." I felt a lump in my throat. "Thank you, but you should know that there is no escaping the maze I am in."

"That's a load of crap," she folded her hands. "If you can enter it, then you can escape from the mess too. For every problem there is a solution. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

"Did you just... go mathematics and physics on me?"

"It's true, isn't it? Don't try to deny that deep down you're tired of being tired."

"You read me like a book." I couldn't help smiling slightly. "You are an excellent reader."

"And you're a shitty writer. Wait no, I mean, actor. You have no acting skills. Your facial expressions are hard to miss."

"Should I ask Rain to teach me how to act, then?" I tried to joke but Moira did not laugh. I guess that meant I also was a terrible comedian.

"I like you the way you are," she suddenly muttered. I stared at her, confused. "Well, minus your trademarked stubbornness. I like that you've never masked whatever emotion you're struggling with. But if you're sure about breaking up, then maybe I do need to give you some space."

------

My relationship with Moira got pretty confusing now. I believed we have entered what people of the olden days called "it's complicated" zone. She couldn't call me her boyfriend anymore and I couldn't call her my girlfriend, yet she still came find me in my room every single evening without fail. Sometimes she even brought dinner.

Since she did not treat me any differently, nobody was aware of the changes in our relationship. Well, nobody except the queen of being perceptive. Wait, king? Ah man, there really was no gender-neutral way to say this, was there? Wait, I got it. The monarch. Yeah, Rain was forever the monarch of heightened perception. I found them creepy sometimes.

We were reading each other's term papers when they stopped leaving helpful comments on my document and instead typed "What is the chance of you asking Moira to be your partner once more? You two are clearly still madly in love."

"You are nosy, Rain!" I tried to smack them with my biochemistry textbook. They ducked before the book could hit their shoulder. "Zero chance. She said she couldn't care less about labels. I'm leaving it up to her to decide if she wants us to start fresh."

"This doesn't count as breaking up if you ask me. You are just... without any status." Rain responded by typing in the comment section of the document again.  At this rate the document would be full of the transcript of our personal conversation--I hoped I would remember to delete all of their comments before I turn my paper in. 

As annoying as it was to have Rain all up in my business, though, they had a point. Moira had been nothing but the epitome of a caring person and here I was relying on her unending kindness. Was this even okay? It felt wrong.

"Listen, Rain, I need your brutal honesty. Do you think I am taking advantage of her? If you were in my position, do you think Vannie would do for you what Moira does for me?"

Vannie is Vannie and Moira is Moira, you can't compare an apple to an orange, they signed.

That's not what I meant, silly! I signed back. Just tell me yes or no.

No. Vannie isn't nowhere as patient. She'd tell me to go seek counseling.

"Is that so?" I had no idea how to sign my disbelief so I didn't. "What do you reckon would happen in counseling?"

Good stuff, they have stopped signing and opted to use their computerized voice. Counseling could be your ticket out of this gloomy land you've been imprisoned in.

"Rain, no offense, but can't you stick to just one mode of communication, please? You jump around from typing to signing to voice automation."

You try being mute for a day! They signed furiously. There are things I can sign and there are things that are better conveyed in writing.

"Okay, no need to get defensive. Geez. So, back to my question about counseling. How is it gonna be any different from having Johan or Kenta ceaselessly lecturing me about letting go of negativity?"

Those two aren't trained to handle an anxious person, but a counselor is.

"If... If I want to give it a try, would you be able to come with me to my first appointment?" I was frightened they would say no, but I still had to ask because I really did not want to go into counseling on my own. Rain shook their head and my heart sank. Seeing my disappointment, they hurriedly typed that they could explain why.

It is between you and your ex-girlfriend. You should go with her. It's gonna be awkward but it's what you guys need, trust me.