Author's remark/content warning: so far this book is written with a consistent pattern of two chapters in the present followed by two chapters in the past, but I have begun to re-consider changing the structure because that set-up may interfere with the flow of the story. Therefore, I will just tone it down to one chapter in the past followed by one chapter in the present (or adjust as needed). This chapter is a direct follow-up from the previous chapter because teenage Nardho's sadness is too vital to his development to be skipped. It is the impetus to his lifelong struggle with mental health issues. If you're in his shoes, please know that hope exists and there are resources to help you.

September 9th 2626

I had no idea how long I had been hiding under my blanket when someone gently lifted a corner of it and sat by the edge of my bed. I looked up to see Rain staring at me worriedly.

"Hi, Rain. It is past midnight now, isn't it? Was I too loud with my crying?"

Nah, you can cry all you want, I found Moira in the hallway looking concerned and she told me you were feeling down, so I know what is up. Do you need anything to drink? I can make green tea, they signed.

Green tea would be nice, I signed back. Rain left to go to the dormitory's shared kitchen and returned with the steaming hot beverage.

I may not be the best person to comfort you, Nardho, because I have no idea what it's like to lose someone who has done so much for me, but if you wanna talk I'm here, they handed me the cup and I sipped slowly.

You being here is enough, I signed with my shaky fingers. Come to think of it, I should probably talk to Kenta about this. He was closer to Lee than I ever was and yet he handled this better than I do.

"You probably should!" A familiar voice chimed in. Goddammit, how long had my older brother been watching without me realizing it?

"Johan! When did you come in?"

"Just now. I have a routine of making sure everyone turns off the light at bed time, remember? I saw your light was still on, so I thought I would check on you."

I usually did not stay up this late so I could understand Johan's concern. Still, I didn't expect to have him pry on what was supposed to be a conversation just between myself and Rain.

"Dho, I think you need this more than I do." My brother took off his rosary beads from his wrist and put it on mine. "I'm not sure how much praying could help, but just try it, okay?" He continued and patted my hand gently. "I'm not good at comforting others, I know that, but I care and I want you to feel safe enough to come to me whenever you want."

I raised my arm slightly to admire the rosary before pocketing it. Johan and I shared the same faith but somehow we differed in how spiritual we had been. Uncertain of what to say, I just nodded and muttered a quick thanks.

"Rain, I appreciate you looking after Nardho. Sometimes I feel that I haven't done much as a resident assistant, so it makes me happy to know that he has someone to rely on."

He would have done the same for me, my friend replied and smiled at both of us. No one should go through grief alone, especially not when that grief is all-consuming. Seeing him sad makes me sad, Rain put their arms around me. I was startled because they weren't usually the hugging type but I hugged them back. 

-----

Last night was rough but at least now I know for sure Rain and Johan have got my back. Today's class would not start until an hour and half from now, so I decided to check with Izumi if she has made any progress on our group project. I was in charge of researching more about the ways blind children in Black Elm could get better access to Braille books. Meanwhile, she was in charge of researching what it would cost for all elementary schools in Black Elm to make it mandatory for special education teachers to attend weekly trainings on inclusivity and disability awareness.

Izumi was waiting for me in the library with her notes. Her partner Hamza was with her too and was furiously computing some calculations with a very focused Alex.

"How are my favorite accounting boys today?" I tried to sound cheerful but I fooled nobody.

"The real question is this: what are you doing coming to the library with swollen eyes?" Alex frowned when he looked up from his laptop and saw how puffy my eyes were.

"I'm the project manager, dude! I can't let my emotions interfere with our assignments!"

"Fair point, but no one should choose between his mental health and his grades." Hamza, who was silently listening to us, suddenly offered his two cents.

"You... Rain gave you the details, didn't they?" I narrowed my eyes.

"Actually, Johan did." Hamza admitted. "Your brother might not seem like it, but he worries about you, Dho. It is not healthy to cry yourself to sleep to the point of exhaustion. If you need to take time off, we understand."

I already was aware of my brother looking out for me, but I didn't expect him to also ask Hamza to talk some sense into me. I sighed and let uncomfortable silence fill the room before Hamza spoke up again.

"This is probably none of my business, but how come Rain was the one who consoled you last night? I thought you have a girlfriend to cheer you up?"

"I don't want to overwhelm Moira with my problems. She has hers to deal with."

"Hm. If I were you I'd still want to have my significant other with me through panic attacks." Hamza turned away from me to squeeze Izumi's hand. The girl nodded in agreement.

"It's okay to depend on someone else, Nardho. I guess you're probably afraid of her thinking that you're being clingy, but there's a huge difference between seeking a confidant and being over-reliant on your confidant," Izumi paused to give me time to react. I just shrugged and when she continued talking her voice was gentle yet firm. "As long as you do it when she is not busy, I don't think she would mind."

-----

Kenta paid me a visit once his shift at the Writing Center was over. He brought me some sandwiches and that was dinner. He didn't ask me about my panic attack episode but I had a feeling he not-so-secretly wanted to bring it up and yet did not know how to raise the subject without making me upset, so I took the initiative to explain it to him.

"I don't really get why it happened, honestly. Lee's death was over a year ago and you were much closer to him than I was. So, why do I have such a strong reaction to his passing? More importantly, why now? Why not right away after the funeral?"

Kenta took a deep breath and put his sandwich down before taking my hand in his.

"Nardho, you can't put a timeline on grief. You would think that grief is linear, but it truly is a messy thing. Maybe you've been suppressing your emotions for too long and now the bottle burst? Just my theory."

I looked at him bewildered. Have I really? Perhaps there's some truth in his theory--I did avoid the topic of Lee's death for several months and then Moira unintentionally triggered the grief by mentioning how special I was to receive an organ donation and how it was a miracle.

I heard a knock and Kenta unlocked the door for me. Moira was standing in the hallway looking annoyed. Ah, I forgot to tell her that I skipped class today on Hamza's insistence. But that shouldn't bother her, should it?

"I was waiting for you at the dining hall and you never came. I texted you and I got ignored. Is it because of what I said last night?" she had her arm crossed and pouted.

I mean, kind of? I thought but decided not to be snarky at her. Instead, I said "Sorry about not getting the text, honey. Kenta kept me occupied. You're probably full but do you want my half of the sandwich?"

"Hey! Don't put the blame on me!" Kenta chuckled and shot Moira an apologetic look. "Nardho is in a rough place, dear, please cut him some slack."

My girlfriend declined the sandwich yet sat next to me and put her head on my shoulder.

"Sorry, Dho, I should be more patient with you. About last night, I didn't mean to push your buttons, especially not on your birthday. What I wanted was simply to remind you that you shouldn't feel guilty about being a double lung transplant survivor."

I kept quiet. Logically speaking, I know that I didn't kill Lee and steal his organs. My brain, however, refused to be logical. It kept whispering to me that I cursed Lee and was the cause of his untimely death.

"Lee being a donor was of his own accord. You are not and will never be a murderer." Kenta murmured, as if reading my mind.

"I wish I could believe that, Kenta-senpai. A part of me understands what you're saying but another part is yelling at me and calling me names. I wonder what Lee would say about all of this if he could hear us." I felt a lump on my throat and clenched my fist.

"Lee would want you to keep on living the best way you know how," said Moira softly. "I am not telling you to move on and shove this under the rug, but there's no use dwelling in an endless loop of what ifs and if only."

"Moira, you've never lost anyone important in your life, have you?" I blurted unthinkingly. As soon as she flinched I regretted my word choice. Kenta scowled at me and I inhaled, frustrated at myself for being mindlessly too forward.

"Does my mom's death in childbirth not count?" Moira retorted. "Granted, a baby couldn't understand what happened in the delivery room, but the guilt is all the same. So, stop thinking that you are the only one haunted by your past."

"I...I'm sorry. You have never told me." I pulled her into a tight embrace to apologize for my harsh words. "You're so strong. I have never seen you so sad about something that happened in your past." I exhaled. "What is your secret?"

"I don't have any secret. I simply learned to live with my guilt and I'm sure you will too."

"Guys...Mind if I interrupt?" Kenta interfered. "In my not-so-humble opinion, there are two types of guilt, the bad kind and the good kind. You know the good kind, like the guilt you feel when you cheat on an exam or fake a sick day." He smiled and, realizing how awful his examples were, quickly added: "No, no, I'm not accusing you of doing those, it was just to give you some big pictures. Now, on to the bad kind of guilt. You guys know that some guilt is unwarranted, right? Sure, your minds would find ways to justify your guilt, but let's see the situation rationally." He stopped to give his words time to sink in.

"Moira, your mom certainly knew that childbirth is risky. She also knew that you never asked to be born, none of us ever did. You have no control over the circumstances surrounding your birth any more than you have control over your skin color. Am I understood?" asked Kenta gently yet firmly. He then turned to face me. "As for you, Dho, our professor signed up to be a donor WAY before his passing and you have no control at all in what he did or didn't do, so there is no use beating yourself up ceaselessly. It's a form of self-harm."

"You have a point." I nodded dejectedly and Moira mimicked me. "Thank you for visiting me, senpai. I would think more about your advice."