The sad truth was that the school system didn't care about panic attacks. They didn't care if you were falling apart bit by bit, piece by piece. You were just expected to get to class, do your work, and ignore the gnawing inside of your chest. I was used to it by then. I was used to the neverending panic inside me that had a hunger it could never satisfy.

However, this day, I just couldn't anymore. My body and mind were exhausted to the point of collapse. My sanity was hanging onto a thin, loose thread, and all I wanted to do was curl in on myself and protect what was left.

I sat in my car with August in the passenger seat and Kalila in the back. Our next period had started a few minutes prior, yet there we sat in the parking lot. My arms were folded around myself, and I kept looking out the window instead of in their directions.

"How long have you had the anxiety for?"
    I blinked, turning to look at August. "Excuse me?"

"It's just a question."

"A little over a year," I admitted, slouching back in my seat.

He nodded. "Three years."

"What?"

"Three years," he repeated. "I've had anxiety for three years."

I took a harder look at him; at the sincerity and vulnerability in his dark eyes. Just looking at the walls he built, I would've never guessed he suffered the same as I did. It was nice not to be alone in my misery.

"I would've never guessed," I said. "You don't let it show."

He shrugged. "I mean, I'm not as bad as you. Sometimes you have to put aside your pride and ask for help."

I felt like he was talking about more than just my anxiety. "I can't." I couldn't open up to my therapist. I couldn't tell them what had really happened to start all of this. If I couldn't be open about what happened, I could never get anywhere. And maybe that's the point he wanted to make, but it was just so hard.

"You know, he doesn't want to admit it, but he can be a real cry baby sometimes."

August looked back at his cousin with narrowed eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're scared of the dark, but when you first arrived at my house, you refused to put aside your pride and leave the lights on. A few months in I had to give you a peace offering of a nightlight."

I couldn't help but laugh a little at her story.

August huffed, but he didn't deny it.

"But things are better when you accept someone's help," Kalila concluded, leaning forward in her seat.

"Look, if you want to help me-"

"You don't have to tell us everything, but let us help you, okay?"

I nodded to Kalila. "Okay."
    Maybe I'd have to give that therapist another chance too. One day.

"I'm going home," I decided. "I think that'll be better than staying here." I looked to August. "Tell her what happened with the blackmail against Stacie. Maybe then all three of us can figure out what the hell she was doing in that office."

    "Okay."

    Kalila looked curious, but didn't press it. They both exited my car, and I drove towards the house.

    §

    The house was empty when I arrived, meaning Dad was probably out running errands. I just felt so numb and drained that I sat on the couch, only bothering to turn the tv on after thirty minutes. I sat there until the door opened and in walked Dad. He seemed shocked to see me just sitting there. Instead of yelling at me for skipping class, he just sat next to me.

    "You know, I was in high school once. I know it can suck."

    "Dad, have you ever looked in the mirror and hated the person you saw?" I whispered, staring down at my hands.

    "Yes," he responded without a moment's hesitation. "I have. But then I changed that person."

    "What if I feel like things will never change?"

    He wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Ki, they will. I'm here if you need me. You know that."

    "Yeah, thanks."

    He stood and began walking back towards his office. I heard him say, "You can't be skipping school, you know."

    "They brought it up again, Dad."

    I turned just in time to see him stop in his tracks. "It wasn't your fault. You need to stop torturing yourself. If you'd just talk to the therapist, and I mean truly talk-"

    "I will, when the time is right," I said.

He stared at me with the eyes that meant he expected me to; that he was a father expecting his daughter to conquer her fears. My dad put too much faith in me, and I think Nelson secretly did as well. I just wanted to make Dad proud, and I couldn't do that by wallowing in my misery.

Pushing myself off the couch, I headed up to my room. I just couldn't understand how it wasn't my fault. They'd spent about a year telling me otherwise, and I hated it.

    I fell back on my bed, drawing my knees up tight. The next day, I had to get on the track of finding out why she was in that office. I would never be okay if I didn't figure out a way to get Stacie to leave me alone. And Nina. And the whole fucking school. I pulled out my phone looked through Nina's social media. I saw her kissing the cheek of her newest boy, and I had an idea.

    Stacie was the biggest goal, but I could always take care of Nina.

----

Another update? Whattt. This was a more emotional/ realistic chapter. Hope you enjoyed and it wasn't boring.

Thoughts?

-Sarah