I arrived late to school that morning, my hair still damp from the rain. My jean jacket had become soaked on the way inside the school, as rain kept pouring down as though the sky was crying. So, I shoved it inside my locker before going to class, tying my long hair off my shoulders as I shivered in the air conditioning.

The teacher gave me a stern look as I entered, but not one part of me cared. I felt rejuvenated, like spending the night with August had lifted my problems high off my shoulders. I hadn't even slept; he dropped me off at my house and I quickly got ready. We had both lost track of time, and we sat there, in the cool rain, as purples and pinks slashed across the horizon. I'd never forget that night.

I didn't sit anywhere near Stacie and Nina. They didn't bother to save me a seat, but more importantly, I didn't want to ruin what had started out as an amazing day. The lecture sped by, and I was soon rushing out of there like the floor was hot and wanted to swallow me whole.

A smile popped onto my face when I spotted August, but I quickly realized he had a mission, and so did I. Nina sauntered over to him and gave him a swift hug. Something pulled inside my chest. I didn't understand why. I turned away before I did something I regretted and knew I had to find Janessa. Dean (it still felt weird calling him that since he was a teacher and all), had classes, and I didn't have time to talk to him after school since I had therapy, which I was nervous about. So, I thought I would have Janessa relay the information to her boyfriend (I still couldn't believe they were dating and thought that was okay, but whatever),

I found Janessa closing her locker before class was about to start. She started as I tapped her on the shoulder, her long hair smacking me in the face as she turned towards me.

"That bitch is still trying it, isn't she?" Janessa huffed, arms crossed as she leaned back against her locker.

I noticed she had some new highlights in her dark hair. "I like your hair."

She smiled. "Thanks, Dean paid for it."

The bell rang, and the hallway was completely clear, save the two of us. I was already late once that day, it didn't matter to me anymore.

"So, her grade was changed," the girl said. "But I'm tired of her shit. Who gave her the power she has? Why does no one stop her?"

I shrugged, because I wondered the same thing:

"Probably her family's money. No one is gonna stop the poor little rich girl."

"Maybe."

She threw her hands in the air. "She thinks it's her way, or no way."

A thought popped into my mind. "Why is she blackmailing you, anyway? Like, I know you had something on her, but I feel like it's more personal."

She looked down at her sparkly shoes, hair falling in her face. Her dark skin seemed to glow under the fluorescent lights. "Because we were best friends, back in middle school."

I stood there, shocked. "You were?"

She nodded. "I understand what you're going through because she was a bitch to me, too. I knew Damien, and he started liking me, and she was so angry. She tried to find dirt on me and failed until she found some pics I had sent to him. She leaked them, and everyone laughed at me." Genuine tears rolled down her cheeks. "I hated her since then. When I realized we were coming to the same highschool, I knew I had to find out some dirt on her. She kept blackmailing to get her way. She loves hurting people. I found out she snuck into the office for something. I thought I could blackmail her, but someone snitched to her. I thought Nina could still be my friend. I thought she had a sweet heart. In the end, she told Stacie that I had a pic of her, and she knew I was seeing Dean. It can't get out or he will get fired, you know?"

I didn't know what to say. First of all, I couldn't believe Damien started both of our problems with Stacie. I couldn't believe she had been friends with Stacie and had her life ruined, just like me.

"Nina told me what you did."

I took a step away from her, mind reeling. "What?"

"She was my friend behind Stacie's back for a while. When Damien died-"

I just realized that tears were rolling down my cheeks. "No! They promised they wouldn't tell anyone."

Her eyes held a deep sadness. "I didn't tell, not even Dean. I-I understand why-"

"No, you don't. She probably told you I was a cold blooded killer. She probably told you how I ran, how they said he fell, how they threaten me every day because they lied for me."

"She told me the truth. But he was like that with me, too."

I shook my head. I couldn't form words. Who else did she tell? Oh God. I felt like I was gonna faint.

"Kiley?"

Her voice sounded so far away.

"She couldn't have told that many-"

"That many?" My voice cracked.

"I'll help you stop them. I'm- I'm so sorry. I didn't know that she lied to you about telling people. I didn't know. I-"

"No one should know," I snapped, brushing stray hair away from my face. I didn't want any of this.

"Kiley-"

I turned away from her. "Did she tell you how we stood on top of the stairs leading to the second story of the school? How he- how I- how they-" I couldn't speak anymore. I wiped my tears and walked away from her. I was already so late to class. I was already in so much trouble.

I let down my hair to cover my red and blotchy face before I entered the classroom.

———

When I arrived home, a familiar red car was parked in front of the house. I'd seen it the many times my dad had forced me to sit down and talk to her. I was surprised she had agreed to come back after I constantly lashed out, refusing to talk to her after my dad had begged her to come to the house and talk to me.

After I yanked the key out of the ignition, my car parked up in the driveway, I sat there for a minute. I felt glued to the seat, afraid to walk through the door. I had asked Dad to set up this appointment. I had decided I was ready to talk about it, but was I really? My fingers gripped my keys tighter and tighter, one of the harsh edges digging into my palm. It was time to confront these demons.

I pulled down the sun visor, checking my appearance in the mirror. Bags rested under my eyes, a physical reminder of my sleeping problems. My light eyes seemed sullen and broken, like if you looked close enough, you could see straight into my broken soul. My pitch black hair fell matted around my face, hugging my paler than normal skin. I looked and felt like a wreck.

Gathering some courage, I got out of the car and locked it, bag slung over my shoulder. A part of me just wanted to get this over with, so I hastened my steps until I unlocked the door and stepped inside. Voices floated through the house, so I followed the noise until I stopped in the kitchen. Dad sat on a stool next to a familiar woman who turned and flashed me a smile.

"Ah, it's so nice to see you again, Kiley!" Dorise said, standing up and embracing me in a hug. I hugged her back awkwardly. She had been a friend of my mother's before my

Mom divorced my dad. My dad had called her, since she is a therapist, to help me out, but I'd never been nice to her about it. I kind of felt bad.

Dad nodded at us. "I'm going to go in my office. I hope everything goes well." I felt like that last part was aimed at me as he left the kitchen.

"Do you want to stay here or go somewhere else?" Dorise asked kindly.

"Here's fine," I numbly responded, sitting down on the first stool I saw.

She nodded, grabbing a stool and sitting across from me. She neatly folded her hands in her lap after straightening out her brown blazer jacket. Her chocolate hair was pulled away from her face, just like it always was, and her round glasses were perched on her petite nose. I tried to take in the familiarity of the situation rather than the familiarity of my feelings.

"I know you don't like talking about it," she said softly, snapping me out of my daze. "But you're very brave, you know that? Here we are, because you wanted to be here. That's a huge step. Not everyone can talk about their trauma."

I gulped, looked down at my hands, which I fiddled with in my lap. "I'm sorry for how rude I was in the past. I just- I have- this has consumed my life for the past year."

"I understand. Whenever you're ready, okay? You're going to lead this conversation."

I knew that I had to fully get the words out. "I have these two friends, but they're not really friends," I began shakily, clenching my fists in my lap. "But we had another friend who was a guy."

She nodded, silently encouraging me to continue.

"I didn't realize all three of them were manipulators. This girl named Stacie is the main one, and she had this huge crush on the guy, Damien. Damien didn't like her though- he liked me." I choked on the last word. "But I didn't return the sentiment. I mean, at first I was flattered that anyone would like me like that, but I couldn't do that to Stacie because of girl code. Damien was just so pushy, but I ignored it. He kissed me once, and Stacie got so angry."

A tear rolled down my cheek. "He lead on Stacie while he kept pushing me and pushing me. I kept saying no, Stacie likes you. It seems stupid. But one day, we were on the second floor of the school, all four of us. Damien and I were at the top of the stairs, and he-"

I took in a deep, calming breath. I couldn't believe I was going to tell someone, besides my dad, what had happened. But I had to, because his death couldn't haunt me anymore. Stacie and Nina didn't deserve the leverage they had.

"He tried to kiss me in front of Stacie. I was afraid of what Stacie would do, and I just didn't want him to I touch me so I pushed- I pushed him away. I forgot we were on top of the stairs. This was after school too, so it was just us. He fell, he fucking fell down and we heard the fucking crack of his skull-" I couldn't hold in the sobs anymore. Tears poured down my face as I struggled to get a breath of fresh air.

I pressed the palms of my hands against my eyes. "I killed him," I said, or I think I said.

"Breathe," I heard Dorise say.

I shook my head. I felt her gentle hands pry my arms away from my face. I just wanted to hide from her, from the world.

"I want you to breathe deeply. The brain cannot be anxious while you are deep breathing. Come on, breath in-"

I did as I was told, sucking in a breath.

"Hold it- okay, now release it. Repeat that, okay?"

Nodding, I continued to breath deeply, and I slowly began to feel a little calmer.

"Now, you blame yourself for his death, don't you? You're the reason he died?"

I thought about it for a moment, wiping the remaining tears from my eyes. "I mean, yes. Stacie won't let me forget it. No one knows I pushed him. If I piss off Stacie, everyone will know that I killed him."

"But did he deserve to be pushed? Did you have the right to push him?"

I blinked. "What?"

"He was harassing you, was he not?"

"I mean, he was, but-" I stopped to think about it. Stacie and Nina spent so much time blaming me for everything that I just kept blaming myself. I pushed him. He was dead and he was a human, and- "I think I felt that his life had more value than mine."

"And?" She pressed.

I, for once, looked directly into her eyes. "I just let myself feel like they were right, and it was this huge secret that no one could know. They just kept telling me that I was such a horrible person that I started believing it, you know? And then I got this really bad anxiety and everything just seemed so terrible in life. I just felt like I didn't have a reason to live except to protect my reputation, but in the end I ruined it because I just did all of Stacie's blackmailing."

Her lips tilted up in a tiny smile. "Now you're really thinking about it, getting to the bottom of it. Not everyone can just sit down and talk about something so painful to them."

I shrugged. "I've gotten so close to telling people I'm becoming friends with, and I realized I don't want it to define me anymore." I felt so much stronger. I had finally told her. I finally let myself to be vulnerable, to actually think about it. It still hurt me, but maybe I needed to stop letting it control my life.

"I'm very proud of you," she said. "I'm going to want to see you more, okay? At least twice a week. I'm also going to recommend you see a physiatrist so we can get you some meds to keep your anxiety under control, okay?"

I nodded. "Thank you for coming back and still being willing to help me."

She full on smiled. "Of course. I'm going to give you my number in case you need me, okay?"

"Okay."
——-
I've been so busy and had like no motivation, so I'm sorry for the lack of updates. I hope this longer update makes up for it.

-Sarah