7:30 AM

I hate myself sometimes, for my crooked knees, my large nose, and how in pictures one of my eyes always end up looking lazy.... I hate myself for my acne, my over sensitivity, my ginormous feet... For my voice, my habit of biting my nails.. and most importantly, for not being good enough. I've broken down in bathrooms, movie theaters, classrooms... but most of all, the shower. Where the water pours down my body, making me warm even though on the inside I am cold. Colder than the water in the middle of winter. I hear people on the daily tell me I am beautiful, I never listen, or believe what they say but everyday they still say it.... ugh......... Forget all this shit, that is not the reason you are still reading this.

12:05 PM

He keeps walking by the detention room and waving at me, he has been doing that all day. Not like he did before the dream, but more like, he is actually listening to me... and he cares. I keep thinking about the dream, about the intimate parts I left out in telling you.. The parts where I would wake up feeing his arms around me, where I could feel his love through the touch of his skin... I could feel butterflies in my stomach again, like it was the first time I saw his face in the sixth grade, the strength of a hundred butterflies combined into one small fluttery bug.

These fluttery bugs were weaker than the butterflies I get every time Gabe walks into the room and sluggishly makes his way to his desk beside me.  The feelings I get then are indescribable, like just seeing him walk through the door brings the biggest (and most embarrassing) smile onto my face. He is so perfect. The way he smiles, the way he laughs.. everything. I always wonder why he continues to come sit beside me, and love me, and be with me. I'm a horrible girlfriend, who gets too jealous, controlling... and I often blame him for things that he doesn't necessarily do. All I do is bring him down, All I do is find a reason to get 'mad' not caring about how it makes him feel. Not caring about how all I do is push myself further and further away from his heart... even if he doesn't realize it. Im not good for him...

2:45 PM

Gabriel had a dream last night. There were zombies, and friends, and bodyguards but the thing that stood out too me the most was the girl. The way he described her was so, perfect.. He lost every care he had in the world for her presence. Even though he knew it was wrong and even though at first he didnt want it, he let her do things.. He let her make him feel... something, something other than sad. Feelings he wouldn't let me make him feel... sometimes I doubt he cam even have those kind of feelings towards me.. Is this his subconscious telling him that I am wrong for him? Can he just not see it? I cant keep hurting him... it's at the point where I don't even think I make him feel anything, not anything close to what the girl in his dream makes him feel. Now don't get mad, I know it's a dream, but dreams always have messages. At least that's what I was taught.

I need to find a way to make him happy.. to make him think Im pretty. How do I do that though, makeup? Better clothes?

6:30 PM

I asked my mom to bring me shopping after school, we went to the mall and searched all the stores there.. I couldn't find anything, everything cute didn't fit me and everything that fit me wasn't cute. WHY, WHY was this so STRESSFUL, I am honest to god trying my hardest, trying my hardest to make him happy.. trying to be pretty. BUTTTT obviously nothing can EVER go my way!!! It is always a struggle. I looked rack after rack just hoping I could find even a single shirt, or a single pair of pants. And nothing.. After hours of searching my mom began to grow tired of joining me on my quest to complete my impossible mission of beauty.. so we picked up my brothers, got slushes and went home.

8:00 PM
Ty and I finally finished watching the tv series we were watching, It brought us each a tear, I don't think I have ever seen Ty cry after watching a show. But we did and as much as it was a heartbreaking ending to a series, it was a great bonding experience with my baby brother. That night my mom made the tacos that we bought the ingredients for yesterday. It was literal heaven, I would take those tacos before anything any day.. it's something about my moms cooking that makes it different from any other food. Like.. somehow I can feeeeel that it was her loving hands that made the food.. Call it, my loving daughter intuition.