A/N: This chapter may be mature so if you can't handle any maturity, please don't read it- :)

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Love is patient, love is kind, love sees no barriers and it definitely is the most beautiful feeling in the world!

~Unknown~

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Ruqayyah 

"WHO.DID.THIS?" he growled and i flinched back, tightening my arms around me as tears spilled down my cheeks rapidly 

i knew he would not love me after he saw my scars 

yes, scars 

it range'd from my lower abdomen to my stomach, my chest and shoulders and ran down my back 

some had healed and the only ones visible were the ones that didn't 

He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to him 

i screwed my eyes shut and waited for an impact 

instead i felt arms around my waist, his hot skin coming in contact with my cold ones 

immediately sparks began and i tried to control my breathing and heart rate

i let out a gasp as i felt his chin on my shoulder, his short, slightly grown but unseen beard scratching my bare shoulders 

he hugged me tight and that was enough for me to reach a breaking point 

tears began falling down and the memories clashed back 

"You are not worth it!" he slurred 

"get away from me!" she snapped 

"Ooo i want her! now!" he yelled laughing with the other men 

the slow itching and burning sensations, pain from the whips and belts 

rapid belting 

rapid breathing 

slowly the darkness

the rough nights 

i was snapped back to reality when Iqraam lifted me up 

I could not face him 

no way 

he has seen me with all my scars, with all the reminders of what i am worth 

I was placed on something soft and i set there, on the bed, staring at the floor as tears fell freely 

i did not bother to stop them 

i did not need pity or sympathy 

i was used to being treated brutally 

"Ruqayyah look up to me" he whispered kneeling down infront of me but i refused to look up 

"Ruqayyah please..." he almost sounded like he was begging me to 

i lifted my gaze and met his eyes 

"I am sorry about it" he whispered holding onto my hands 

i shook my head 

"Its okay... not your fault anyway" i muttered and thanked Allah that i was not stuttering or sobbing anymore 

he kissed my knuckles and smiled sadly up at me 

"How did it happen?" he asked me and i inhaled a deep breath 

just what i did not want... 

"Its okay if you-" he says and i shake my head 'no'

"It was the most amazing moment in my life... i wanted to study.... my mother did not let me.. she was...." i explain as i go into my memories mode

Flashback:

18 year old Ruqayyah-

9th August 2009

Musawwir Ali residence

Day after Walimah 

I woke up and found the bed empty 

he was not with me last night, said some work came and he left 

It felt sad and i had a sickening feeling in me about last night 

it was the first night with my husband, lawful husband and he was not with me 

the door opened and he strode inside and right into the shower without even looking at me 

I stood up and strode to him, blocking his way into the bathroom 

he looked up to me and his eyes were... red 

a slow smile creeped up on his face and it frightened me 

"Oh i married you- sorry-" he muttered and i could smell a weird scent 

i smiled forcefully at him and he smiled back 

"I love you, you know" he said as he pulled me into his arms 

i always wanted a loving husband 

he placed a kisses on my jaw and i closed my eyes, enjoying his scent around me 

His kisses got me weak and i would have fallen, if i was not pinned to the wall 

his lips were all over my neck and all too soon i was on his bed and he was on top of me 

i realized there was no going back now 

i smiled as he kissed me intimately on the lips, more hungrily than ever 

and that was how i lost my innocence 

_______

i showered and he did too 

we had breakfast and then started the drama 

"Ruqayyah, clean up the kitchen and the house okay?" said Farisha aunt and i stared at her 

she said she had maids 

"Oh and from today, you will eat with them, okay?" she added pointing to the maids and i silently nodded 

i could not understand this but i still had my husband to look up to 

i smiled as he walked to me and kissed me infront of everyone!

no one spoke a word and he walked out of the house with aunt and uncle 

uncle and musa had work but aunt? 

i quietly did the house work and the whole day, i was all alone 

night fell and Musa was again late 

this happened for a few days but no one cared- 

no one except me 

i was in love with him for gods sake!

so i decided to ask aunt about it 

"mama, where is Musa and why is he always late?" i asked her and she looked up from her magazine 

"Leave him alone girl! just because he married you doesn't mean he has to be with you all the time!" she said and i nodded 

mama always said to keep shut if you don't have anything better to say 

i slept alone 

days passed and i began to question my marriage 

it was not even 3 months yet and i was already doubting my marriage 

he would sleep with me but it was not intimate- he was not loving, he was lusting me!

then was the unfateful night when i saw my own destruction 

he came home with another woman in his arms and no one questioned him 

all night, i heard her screams and his moans, making me cry harder 

he would promise me things and never complete them 

this was worse than that 

"Mama, he got another girl!" i said to aunt and she laughed at me 

"I told you, he can't be tied down to one girl!" she said and i felt sad 

so i decided to call up my mother 

she did not answer 

i called bhaiya and he did not answer too 

i called everyone at home and none answered 

that was the last time i called them 

i got a message soon after, from mother, saying to not call them 

i was broken 

i was hurt and i had no one to talk to 

i was crying in the dark room, when the door opened 

Musawwir walked inside and i could not see him in the dark but the strong smell gave off that he was drunk 

he drinks? 

he sleeps about with girls? 

what else? 

he was abusive too?!?!!

i was hoping he wasn't but he proved me wrong when he hit my body with a thick belt 

the stinging began and my eyes watered 

he whipped me, in the dim lights, and blood oozed out of my scars 

he did not care, aunt came and i thought she was going to save me 

instead she laughed 

"She was asking about you- she deserves it- i guess she is not for you anyways" she had said and i cried 

i was locked in the unknown room for days 

so many days that i forgot the day, date and time 

i would throw up occasionally and i felt nauseous

i had cravings and could not do anything about me 

i don't know after how long, i was taken out of the room and the first thing i did was eat loads of food 

thats when i realized, i might be pregnant 

i felt happiness, in a long time, that i was becoming a mother 

but it did not last long when Musa found out 

he beat me 

tied my hands with the rope to the high ceiling and hung me from it making sure my legs touched the floor and ripped my clothes off 

he had a belt and chains 

he started whipping my body, with belt and chains in both hands 

i had felt the pain of dying in that moment 

"p-P-Please" i begged and no one listened 

"You. (whip) dared. (whip) to. (whip) get. (whip) pregnant! (whip)!!!" he panted as he whipped me with the chain and belt 

the belt left marks but the chain left deep cuts all over my body 

i cried and yelled for help but no one came 

he left me alone in the room, on the cold hard floor 

there was nothing i could do 

he would try to touch me, in a lusted way, he would be rough and pelt me with things- 

i was in pain

my thighs hurt from the impact his hands had on them 

my arms hurt from his holds and ties

my back hurt from his whippings 

i was hurt from his betrayal 

what will i tell my family? 

he was a whore Casanova who did not want anything from me except my body?

and what about my baby? 

i don't even know if he is okay or not!

i did not have my period for a long time so i was defiantly pregnant 

i lied in the cold room for hours surviving on water 

i would get the same beating everyday and at one point, i stopped crying, stopped begging 

i was weak 

i was barely 20 for Allah's sake!

i could not hold up 

i would faint as days went by 

and so i gave up 

i saw a razor lying about and picked it up 

there was a vein in the hand, if cut, the whole body stops, blood oozes out and heart beat slows causing death 

i held up the razor with shaky hands as i cried harder 

i want to die 

there was nothing for me to live for 

my parents abandoned me 

they never asked about me, again 

my own husband thinks i am useless 

my whole life is a mess 

guess i was not fated for love 

thoughts ran through my head and i grew angry and sad at the same time 

the blade pricked my skin and tears fell and i sobbed 

their voices filled my head and i felt myself grow more emotional and suicidal 

i was almost there when i threw the blade down and fell on the cold floor, crying 

i was pregnant for gods sake!!!

i was not going to lose hope in Allah 

he was there 

he is always there 

he has something better for me 

in all these messed up things, i forgot about my imaan, i forgot Allah is the best of all planners 

i had forgotten that a supreme power is out there looking over me!

i could not end my life that way 

i couldn't!

i felt my baby in me which was the only reason i needed to live 

in any condition 

months passed and my belly grew 

i was i think 6 months pregnant 

i was turning 19 soon 

i was given food in the cold room and a temporary bed was there for me 

apparently they thought making a pregnant woman do all the house work and carry heavy things was a good idea 

i was carrying a heavy tool box when i felt my baby shift 

it gave me immerse pain in my lower abdomen and i let the tool box go on the floor with a crash 

they came in the room and yelled and beat me for the damned tool box- 

but they dud not care about my baby 

that night i snuck out of the house and went to the mid wife i knew from helping out at the nurseries 

she told me that my child had shifted its position and it was very dangerous to it 

i did not even know if it was a girl or a boy 

"Can you help me?" i asked her and she nodded

she knew the condition of this house 

since it was in another alley from mine, everyone knew about this family yet none told the police or my parents about it

i lay on my back as the mid wife, Hana, massages my huge belly 

i let out loud cries as she does so because the baby is moving from place to place and it hurts like hell 

finally she told me to rest for a few days but i could not get any at the house 

they would make me run and what no and finally- 

my son was born 

by mistake- 

the doctors, when they saw him, said he was born 2 months earlier- 7 month baby he was and i cried 

i had said my silent prayers all week to save my child

Musa was smart, he did not let me go to the hospital, knowing fully that if the doctors saw my marks, they would ask what had happened and if i spoke about it, they would all be in jail!

he took my child only 

no one wanted to name him so i did 

Mohammad Zaik Ali 

i knew i wanted him to go on me, take my traits and not his deceitful fathers'!

a week later when Zaik returned home, he was left in a baby cot and the door to the room was locked 

i was not allowed to go inside and see him 

i would stand outside the door and cry seeing my son cry 

the only time i was allowed to visit him was when i went to breast feed him 

it was frequent for them to lock us away in separate rooms 

my heart would cry for my baby when he cried and i cried too knowing i can't go to him 

i could not do anything else 

i was helpless 

why could he not just divorce me!?!

Zaik had turned one and no one cared 

he would smile and laugh with me but that was only when no one was around

the maids were kind enough to lend me a key when they saw me suffer 

i would meet him but when no one was around 

he was my hope, my light in this world of darkness

so one day, when i had enough of their punishment, i spoke up 

they were eating dinner, with Musa's new fling when i spoke 

'Why don't you divorce me?" i asked him bravely and everyone looked up 

Farisha aunt showed me huge eyes and i ignored it 

"Why? let me go!" i said and Musa coughed 

"Ahem, i will be back" he said and stood up 

grabbing my hand, he took me to his room and slammed the door shut 

without warning, he tied me up to the ceiling and deja vu hit me 

he took off his shirt and jeans and ripped off my dresses 

he smirked as he began his belting 

the pain soon became immune and i was slowly falling into darkness

slowly i felt unusual and knew what was going on 

he was taking advantage of me again!

i tried to fight him but i couldn't with my hands so i tried to use my legs 

it did not work 

it only tempted him more 

soon after i was left on the floor again, no one to help me 

"Be out of my room before she comes in" he said and i growled 

laughed he walked away 

the blood of my body stained the floor and i felt sick again!

he was only intimate with me twice- 

after first, Zaik was born and i was hoping i don't have another child- 

i was growing strong, i realized 

then i started my 'ways to get out of here' plans 

nothing worked

everytime i was pulled back into it 

so when i found out i was pregnant again, Zaik was almost 2- he learnt a few words and learnt to walk 

i had to get out of here for a better life 

i was surely belted and pelted with things for trying to escape but i tried my best 

but the most sad part was.... no matter what Musa did, i loved him like no other!

i still loved him and the only thing i got out of that love was scars

i managed to escape 

being pregnant with a 5 month baby and escaping a violent in laws was not easy but i managed

i ran away 

I started wearing the niqab and Abhaya, knowing no one will recognise me this way and they did not 

but soon the same Niqab and Abhaya became part of life 

i realized how much it protected me from lewd mens gaze 

i worked, pregnant with a huge belly, in Cape Town for a lady who helped me more than ever, Lady Uhala and i was forever grateful to her 

i sent divorce papers to Musa and he signed it 

the divorce happened before Zahi was born and i was glad she never got to see her father's face

i realized that i was stronger than before 

i realized i was wiser than before 

i realized i was better than before and 

i also realized.............. life was not at all rainbows and candies! 

life was what we make of it- 

my past was something i wanted to forget so i started a new 

with my two kids, Zahira and Zaik Ali 

my beautiful small family 

End of Flashback

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salaam people 

it was not that emotional but i tried 

that was her past 

some of it is sorta real....

no not to me but to other people i knw

i was crying when i heard about those things so i decided to raise awareness on it 

So here it is! 

Please be noted that her mother is sorta backwards and i tried to write things in a non xx rated manner but its up to you to understand this 

thanx for great comments 

i love u all alot 

Allah Hafiz 

~Queen