Newt was crying. No, scratch that. He was full on sobbing as he ran out of school and towards the log he sat on everyday whenever he could. He didn't bother to light a cigarette, he was too upset to do anything. For Newt, crying was a sign of weakness and he hated to cry, but the teacher had called his name to answer a question in class and when Newt had looked down in fear, he'd heard someone mumble about him at the back. That was all it took for Newt to storm out and run outside. He mentally hit himself for it now because having to face everyone later was not something he could do without wanting to run out again.

Newt stared straight ahead at the grassy field in front of him where he saw Thomas shooting some goals alone, and he contemplated on walking over to him because the other instantly brought a smile to Newt's lips. But he decided against it. He didn't want to bother Thomas with his problems that were stupid to begin with. Thomas probably had better things to worry about. He didn't care anyway, and Newt probably wouldn't ever believe that he did even if the other said so. No one was capable of caring for Newt and he knew that, but it still hurt just as bad when he realized that Thomas was part of that group, which meant that he didn't care either.

He could compliment Newt on every single flaw that he owned (which actually wasn't a flaw for the other at all, but for Newt, everything about him was imperfect), he could tell Newt countless times how amazing he was and rant on and on about every little thing, and how much he cared, but Newt wouldn't believe it. People lie, everyone lies, Newt was the prefect example of a liar, and Thomas probably wasn't any different.

Newt's whole act at school was a lie. He had to pretend at school. He couldn't like certain things, and if he did then he couldn't talk about them in fear of being judged. And he couldn't dress out of the ordinary if he didn't want to stand out. There were things he couldn't do, and ways he couldn't act. Everything naturally became a pretend. His whole being had become one huge lie that only Thomas got to see through. And that really terrified him.

He was himself with Thomas without realizing it until the other was gone. Everything he was scared of being judged for, replaced his lies so that Thomas could see the truth. That's why Thomas would always be so shocked at the difference between Newt around everyone and Newt alone with Thomas. It was like a completely different person in control of the same body. Thomas became slightly unsure sometimes over what was real and what was an act, but he'd learned Newt's habits and the way he'd say things in different situations, the way he'd look in different situations.

Thomas had studied Newt and could tell you exactly when Newt was lying and when he wasn't. And he knew exactly what Newt pretended to believe in front of everyone. Thomas had managed to separate the two people living inside of Newt's body. And he could differentiate between them both. He knew if it was the real Newt or if it wasn't. That very fact made Newt slowly fall apart. He realized it more and more, Thomas was getting too close. Newt didn't want that, he couldn't have that happen. But no matter how often he'd attempt to get rid of Thomas, the other kept insisting and Newt's walls would break down a little more every time he did.

Newt was still a closed book to Thomas. He didn't know things about him. He just knew the way he acted and how in certain situations. He didn't know why it was this way, he didn't know much of anything about the other besides that he didn't like his mother very much and that he hated school. He knew that he had a habit of smoking and listening to music at a really loud volume. And he knew that something was very off. What he didn't know was that Newt knew that as soon as Thomas breaks that first barrier, he's gonna start telling him almost everything because he'd become so helpless and weak, and Thomas was all he had. Normally he would've been able to live with that because Thomas was enough for him, but the other could also always leave him. He didn't want him to leave. He was scared of Thomas leaving, so he made sure to keep Thomas at a safe distance so that it wouldn't affect him too much if the other did. If he kept his secrets to himself then Thomas couldn't do anything, and it wouldn't hurt as much if he decided that he was sick of Newt and left him.

So he stayed sat there, not bothering Thomas, but taking his turn to study him. Thomas seemed to invest so much of his time in trying to figure Newt out, that Newt felt like it was his turn to do the same. He knew Thomas more than Thomas knew Newt, but he barely payed attention to much of it. It wasn't because he was trying to be rude, he just had a hard time to find any interest in anything. Thomas did interest him, and he liked getting to know him, but he didn't have the energy to show the other that he did.

Newt had finally stopped crying after what seemed like ages, when in reality it had only been a solid fifteen minutes. Knowing that he wouldn't be able to go back to class, he decided to go home. He walked to his locker and quickly got his bag out, before heading back out the door and stopping half way when he realized that Thomas was his ride. It had become a regular thing for Thomas to drive him unless he was back at his dad's, which had become less and less of an occurrence as he tended to stay with his mum. Newt didn't understand why Thomas was here longer after he'd made such a huge deal about the fact that his lacrosse team was where his dad lived, but he didn't question it.

He internally groaned when he realized that he was back to walking again, and then he realized that he'd have to pass the field just to get on the right path to his home. Which also meant that he would have to walk past Thomas just to get there. And there was no way that Thomas would just watch Newt leave three hours before school ended without gesturing for him to come over.

Deciding to risk it, he started walking again with his hood over his head, which was probably a mistake on his part because that's what gave him away when Thomas saw him, and Thomas called him over making the blonde stop in his track, wincing.

He stayed in place as Thomas jogged over to him and gave him a worried look that was laced with confusion.

"You're leaving?" Newt shrugged.

"Is that a problem?" Thomas shook his head, which Newt couldn't see because he still had his eyes fixated on the ground.

"No. Of course not. It's just that we have a few more hours of school and I'm always your ride home."

"Well I wanna go home now." Ignoring Newt's statement, he just asked why Newt wouldn't look at him. When Newt didn't answer, the other boy lifted Newt's face with his fingers, making Newt blush furiously at the contact between them.

"You've been crying." Newt's eyes widened and he shook his head. How the hell did he know that? He let out a bitter laugh.

"What are you on about? I haven't been doing much of anything."

"You're lying. Your eyes are red and glazed over and you won't look at me. Not to mention the fact that you're leaving school early. What happened?"

"I don't have to tell you anything." Newt pushed past Thomas but didn't get too far as the other grabbed a hold of Newt's wrist, making him wince.

"I don't like not knowing why you've been crying. I want to know so that I can make sure that you're happy again."

"I'm never happy." Newt's bitter words took Thomas some time to process and he almost wanted to cry himself when he'd fully digested it.

"I've seen you happy."

"Ever thought that I could be a bloody good actor Tommy?"

"I know that you act quite a bit. You pretend a lot around school. I know that. But I also know that I've seen you happy before. You may not believe that you've been happy before, but I've seen it."

"Name one time that I've been happy." Thomas stood there, trying to scan through every memory he had of Newt in his head, trying to remember a time where Newt really had been happy. The silence seemed to give Newt his own answer.

"Told you I've never been happy." Thomas gave Newt a frustrated look.

"Let me think." Thomas took Newt's hand and walked over to his car, seeming to leave his lacrosse stick back at the field. He jumped onto the hood after having lifted Newt up first (which had made Newt blush like crazy when the other had his arms around Newt to lift him), and then he sat there silently while Newt got his cigarettes out. He was just about to light one when Thomas took it from him and threw it to the ground.

"That thing costs me money you know?"

"And it kills you. Did you know that?"

"Everyone dies eventually. I'm just speeding up the process." Thomas gave him a look of disbelief. He didn't understand, Newt knew he wouldn't.

"So you're paying people to kill you?"

"That's exactly what I'm doing." It was silent for a bit. Newt had nothing to say, and Thomas almost broke and knew that he'd probably cry if he let anything leave his lips. When he knew that he'd be okay talking, he looked towards Newt, who sat there looking at his cigarette that was on the ground.

"I know that life sucks quite a bit Newt, but death isn't any better."

"You don't know that. Maybe I'd like to give death a try."

"Newt, please don't say that. Please. I don't want you to give it a try. I want you here."

"You're gonna get sick of having me around. Now what happened to finding a time that I was happy?" Thomas let out a bitter laugh as a tear fell down his cheek. He had known that Newt was slightly off, he just never thought of it being this bad.

"You're right. I thought I'd seen you happy before but now that I look back on it, it may as well have all been an act. But at the same time, I know when your smile is genuine and when your laughter is real, and I've seen both of those."

"But that doesn't mean I'm happy, does it?" Thomas shook his head.

"No, no it doesn't." And that's when Thomas started full on crying right in front of Newt. And if Newt hadn't known any better, he would've thought that Thomas was the one that was completely broken while Newt had to put him back together. It hurt Newt to see Thomas like this, and knowing that he was responsible didn't make it any better either. He wanted to wrap his arms around Thomas, maybe hold his hand and try to calm him down, but he was scared to do that, and he was horrible at comforting people as he'd never had to do it before. So he just sat there, facing the other who was crying because of Newt. Newt had made Thomas cry.

Deciding that he wasn't worth Thomas' time, he jumped off the car, the other's head snapping up at the sudden movement. Newt looked back at Thomas, instantly regretting it when he saw the tears filled in Thomas' eyes and the ones that had fallen down his face. And the look he gave Newt was enough for Newt to want to fall apart himself. He wasn't just broken, he'd dragged Thomas down with him like a domino effect. He'd gotten Thomas into his mess by opening up just a little bit, and now Thomas seemed as hurt as him, maybe worse, just because he decided to be stupid and say something.

"W-where are you going?" Newt wanted to tell him that he was going home, because that's where he'd originally intended to go, but saying that seemed horrible because he'd be leaving Thomas. If he didn't want Thomas to leave him, then he couldn't leave Thomas.

"I don't know. Guess I'm not really going anywhere." Thomas jumped down from his car as well and walked over to Newt while wiping away the tears that remained on his cheeks.

"Newt, I just want to make sure that you're happy."

"But I'm not. And you'll have to deal with that." Thomas sighed.

"I'm not gonna deal with that. I want you to be happy. You have to be happy."

"Well I'm not. My life is a mess and it's already bad enough that I got you dragged into it. You already know too much about me and I hate it. And it's sweet of you to want me to be happy but I'm never going to be."

"What if I proved you wrong? What if I could make you happy?" Newt stared at Thomas like he was crazy.

"I don't see why you'd want to put the effort into me when I'm clearly not worth it. And it's not like you're gonna succeed."

"I think you're worth every second of my time. Especially if those seconds end up making you happy."

"You're gonna be wasting your time. I'm not gonna be happy. I have nothing to be happy over."

"So you're not even happy that were friends?" Newt didn't know why, but he hated how Thomas had said friend. Friend wasn't enough for him. But he knew that he'd never get past that barrier if he didn't open up. And he wasn't doing that either.

"I love being your friend Tommy. I just don't think that you're as sincere as I am." Newt really regretted saying that, because something suddenly seemed to snap in Thomas and he seemed furious.

"Sincere? You don't think I'm sincere? I spend so much time thinking about you and memorizing every little thing about you because you're so special to me. I take my time with you. I make sure to remember certain things you've said and certain movements you've made. And I try really hard to have a nice time with you because I love to see you laugh. I love to see you smile even if it's just small. And you still don't think I'm as sincere as you? You really think that I don't take being your friend seriously? Cause I do. I'd do almost anything if you'd ask me to. If I'm busy and you need me then I'd make sure I'd get to you no matter how important this other thing is. Because you mean something to me. And it hurts me when you say that I'm not genuine with what I feel."

Newt was stunned. How does someone respond to that? What was he supposed to say to that? How was he supposed to react?

"Well? Aren't you gonna say anything?" Newt looked away, he was ashamed. He shouldn't have said that. He had no right to say that. Newt liked to believe that he knew what others were thinking, but in truth he really didn't. He didn't know Thomas that well, so in all honesty he couldn't have any idea of what Thomas thought of him, or their friendship. If they even still had one. He could hear Thomas scoff and let out a sarcastic and bitter chuckle.

"This is ridiculous." Thomas stormed past him, making sure to bump their shoulders together. And Newt was sure that he'd never wanted to cry so much. He'd cried before, perfect example was just a half hour ago, but this hurt more than anything else that had ever made him cry. He wanted Thomas to come back, and he turned to see Thomas picking up his things on the field before glancing back at Newt, giving him a look of such hatred, Newt didn't even know that he was capable of it.

Newt wanted to run to him, throw himself into the others arms and cry, muttering out as many apologizes as he could muster. But something held him back and he just watched as Thomas walked back inside. That's when Newt really started crying. Every inch of his body felt like it was in pain, like he'd been hurt so bad but there weren't any physical wounds to show how much he was hurting.

He'd thrown away his one chance at happiness when Thomas had disappeared back into the building. And Newt fell apart.