I wanted to dedicate this chapter to everyone who's given this a read, vote or comment. But Wattpad doesn't let you do that.

Newt's eyes were visibly red that morning, a fresh set of tears leaving his face every time he thought about Thomas. He knew something had happened because Thomas was not the one to leave Newt like this. Not when he was this fragile. The last words Thomas had said, kept repeating themselves in Newt's head, not helping him even remotely. So, when he heard a knock on the door and opened it, he wasn't that surprised not to see Thomas. Sure, he'd hoped, and he would've wrapped his arms around the other in a death grip, but he didn't believe that it would be him. And it wasn't.

Instead, it was a woman he'd never met before, nevertheless greeting her with a kind smile. Her eyes were sad, just like Newt's own, but she returned his gesture. She carried a striking resemblance to Thomas, and he knew that this couldn't possibly be good. He half expected her to say the worst news he could ever hear about Thomas, but he didn't want to believe it.

"I'm looking for Newt. Is it you?" Newt slowly nodded, stepping aside and letting her in, following her to the couch where she took her seat.

"May I ask why you're here? And who you even are?" Newt sounded careful, precise with his words but vulnerable anyway.

"I'm Thomas' mum. Or, I was his mum. He's dead, Newt." Again, it was something that had been a possibility in his mind, but now that he'd heard it, he refused to believe it.

"H-how?" Newt mirrored her sadness, and it felt like something had ripped him in half and left him there to die himself. But it was apparently Thomas' turn to die as Newt had died a long time ago. He was corpse in a moving body, and he'd been like that for a while. Thomas had followed him, but left completely in a grave. He wasn't moving.

It slowly dawned on him that last night would've been the last time he would've ever heard Thomas' voice. The same voice that would tell Newt how much the other loved him. The voice he longed to hear everyday and would always make him smile if it was in his presence. And now it was gone, just like that. Thomas had physically died first, and all Newt wanted to do was to go with him.

Thomas was all about keeping Newt safe and caring for him, but Newt had never kept Thomas safe. He'd never even thought about it much, and he was furious with himself for thinking that way. It had always been about him, and if he'd only taken a second to think about Thomas then he may've never sent Thomas away like that. And then maybe, Thomas would still be here. Because then he'd never have left Newt, and he would've never had to return to the boy when he'd asked. He never should've called Thomas back.

"I was with him." Newt's head snapped up, his neck hurting due to the sudden force he'd brought. She continued.

"I was with him at the hospital. But he'd lost so much blood already and he wasn't gonna make it. I think he knew that. He kept asking for you, but you obviously didn't know that someone had hit him with their car. But he asked for you continuously until his breathing slowed. And then he told me as best as he could, to tell you that he loves you. After that, he lost consciousness again and he passed." Newt could barely take in what he was hearing. Thomas had been dying, practically begging for Newt, and Newt hadn't been there. Thomas really was gone, he'd left Newt just like that, just like he knew Thomas would, but this time it really hurt because he'd actually learned to love someone. And that someone left. And he didn't just leave, he left through death. Newt had to survive on his own now and he wasn't sure he could do it.

"S-sorry. I'm having a hard time processing it." His silence made him feel guilty, but he could barely let anything leave his lips because Thomas consumed his mind.

"It's alright. I just came here to tell you anyway. I'll come in contact with you again about his funeral. In case you want to go." Newt nodded as she stood to leave, and he felt terrible for not actually wanting to attend this funeral. He wanted the last memory of Thomas to be when they'd kissed before Thomas jumped out the window, not him being lowered into the ground in a coffin. He didn't want to say goodbye that way, he'd said his goodbye, and he was okay with that.

Maybe he shouldn't have been, Thomas was dead after all, and he loved Thomas. Not going to his funeral would be a horrible thing to do, but it was like he was incapable of going.

"See you around, Newt. Maybe." Newt lifted his knees up to his chest, slowly beginning to cry as he said goodbye to her. He didn't fully know what had really happened, but he knew that it was a car crash, and it made him feel extremely guilty. Newt felt like he was responsible because he'd sent Thomas out in the rain.

"Good, you're home. Get up." The last voice he needed to hear now was his mothers, but her voice was definitely heard.

"Do you not understand what get up means? It means move your ass off the couch." Newt slowly stood, not in the mood to argue with his mum when he was sad, but it seemed to be unavoidable as she wouldn't let him pass when he tried to walk upstairs to his room.

"You're staying down here. The hell are you crying for?" Newt got out of the grip that she had on his arm, glaring at her while wiping some tears away with his sleeve.

"Leave me be."

"I thought you didn't want people leaving you? You've been that way since your father left."

"Don't bring him into this. I don't care about him. And I don't care about you either. I hate you." And then Newt pushed past her, grabbing some shoes before leaving the house and slamming the door. He went a couple of blocks before slipping the shoes onto his feet, continuing his walk to school. Newt placed his hands in the sleeves of his jacket due to the cold, rainy weather, and he felt his iPod and headphones in his left pocket. So, he dug it out and pressed shuffle, continuing his walk.

He eventually slowed down his walking, glancing at the empty field where Thomas would play lacrosse. And then occasionally, the boy would glance over at Newt and give him a smile, reassuring both of them. But the field was completely abandoned at that moment, and Thomas would never set foot on it again. And he'd never be giving Newt that smile that warmed his heart.

Newt had to keep reminding himself that Thomas was completely gone, but somehow he could still imagine his lover standing on the field in his jersey, ready to score a goal that made Newt proud. Newt stepped foot on the field, but it felt wrong, and he thought he was going crazy when he saw himself and Thomas in front of him, Thomas spinning him around before they fell and kissed in the rain. Newt remembered it well, it was right in front of him.

Then it faded, and he took slow steps on the field, looking around in a complete circle before setting his eyes on their spot. Originally being only Newt's, but it was now their tree. He walked over, and it felt like everything was moving excruciatingly slow as he finally got there. Newt let his hands graze the log that he sat on, before sitting down with his legs crossed over each other. He stared at the lifeless field as he bit his lip, letting his eyes linger on every detail he could memorize.

Newt glanced down at his hands and played with his fingers before watching a tear roll down his thumb that had fallen from his eyes. He didn't want to let himself be so weak, but Thomas was his biggest weakness, and he couldn't control it. Thomas had left him hanging without a rope to hold onto. And then Newt had taken the jump from the rope, falling, and for a moment someone had caught him before disappearing, and suddenly the other had no one to catch him when he fell. The rope was gone, Thomas was gone, and Newt was done for.

"Figured you'd be here." He looked up when he heard Thomas' voice, shock evident on his face as he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw his boyfriend standing in front of him.

"Y-you're supposed to be..."

"Dead? I am dead." Newt shook his head.

"Then how are you standing in front of me? Is this some sick joke to mess with my head?"

"This isn't real, Newt. You're imagining that I'm here with you. I'm just an illusion."

"But I want you to be real. You were real." He could hear Thomas sigh, and for a minute he felt like he was having an actual conversation with Thomas right beside him, but he couldn't be there.

"I still exist. I'm just not alive."

"Which means you don't exist. You're dead. And you promised me you'd be the first to stay and that you would never leave. You promised me!"

"And I broke the one promise I held most dear to me, Newt. I never wanted to leave. I really wanted to be with you. And I love you."

"No, you don't. You did." Newt stood up, ready to walk away from whatever he was imagining in front of him, but then Thomas stopped him with his voice.

"No, I still love you." And then Newt rushed back over to him and tried to take the younger boy into his arms, but it was like he went right through Thomas, because he wasn't physically there. He wasn't able to hold Thomas at all anymore, and he couldn't feel the others body heat or heart beat in his chest. He couldn't feel Thomas at all anymore. But oddly enough, Thomas could take a hold of his hand, leaving a lingering kiss on Newt's knuckles. It was enough to make Newt cry again, and he was surprised he still had tears left after all the crying he had done lately. Thomas chuckled, and Newt had to remind himself that the laughter they constantly used to share, would no longer be there for either of them. It was never to happen again.

And now Thomas slowly started to fade right before Newt's eyes, and it was like the blonde was watching his lover die again right there. A few seconds later, and Thomas was no longer to be seen anywhere around him, and he was beginning to accept that he had been right and had only imagined Thomas being there.

So Newt left school grounds, walking home with his head down and his headphones in his ears. This seemed to somehow remind him of the day where he walked to school in the rain, only to end up in the principles office with Thomas. He remembers not speaking but Thomas got through to him. It was like he had walked to school, time had stopped, and then in all that time, he'd been with Thomas. He'd spent every day with Thomas until time started again. And then everything with Thomas was gone, and it was like he was back to that same day, walking home from school. But he wasn't just doing that. He was walking away from the other boy as if he'd never existed in Newt's life.

He opened the front door with force, carelessly letting it hit the wall beside him as he threw his shoes somewhere else. Newt proceeded to head up to his room, shoulders down as he bit his lip anxiously. He didn't really know where to go from here, what he should do without Thomas there to help him along the way. He'd become dependent on the other, just like he'd been afraid of. And now that Thomas was gone, he was lost without any direction on where to go.

Therefore, he found himself rushing to get his things together to do what he did best. To do exactly what he knew and had run to all these years. He snuck into his mothers room, stealing the slim silver key to the cabinet where his favorite bottle of whiskey stood. His mum seemed to have an endless supply of his favorite drink, so he didn't hesitate to take a full bottle. Normally, he would've been a bit careful to prevent his mum from finding out, but at that moment he didn't really care at all.

He scrambled back to his room before going into his bathroom and putting the glass bottle on the floor in the shower. Then he went over to get his scissors where he'd hidden them when Thomas was there. They were still in the towel where they'd been placed. Just like he'd expected them to be. Newt proceeded to place those right beside the Jack Daniel's before stepping back into his room, removing his shirt and throwing it to the side along with the rest of his clothes.

Looking through his backpack, he found the last thing he'd been searching for. His pack of cigarettes were still untouched as he hadn't needed them for a while now. He'd thrown his other packs away, but he made sure to keep one without letting Thomas know. It made him feel guilty now, but he was happy that he'd done so in a way, as he now needed them desperately.

Newt's lighter was on his desk, lying beneath a stack of homework that he'd never done. He rarely did his homework, and his mum knew that as she often got notified about it. But she didn't care much for it, and neither did Newt. And Newt definitely wouldn't start caring now that Thomas wasn't in his life. He didn't have a need to.

He stepped into the shower with his lighter and cigarettes before sitting down on the tiles beneath him. Then he sighed as he realized he'd forgotten his music, and he got up again despite barely having any energy to. Newt stumbled a little before finding his way to his speakers without falling, and he played from a random playlist he'd made a few months back, around the time he started to like Thomas. Of course, he'd taken ages to admit it out loud, and maybe he should've just accepted it sooner and let Thomas be with him. But he hadn't done so, and now it was too late to change any of that. He was paying his price.

Newt locked the door before turning up the volume so that if his mum started yelling at him, he wouldn't be able to hear it at all. He didn't want to hear it, and so he made sure that he wouldn't. Then he sat down once again, leaning his back against the cold wall that was paler than himself. Newt lit the end of the cigarette that he'd gotten out whilst turning on the shower. He settled on a painfully cold temperature, freezing his body down instantly which made him shiver. But, he didn't mind as he let it be, inhaling the smoke from his cigarettes and letting it settle in his lungs. He bit down on the filter lightly so that the cigarette would stay in place between the corner of his lips, making him able to get his scissors from the drenched floor.

Newt slid the scissors harshly against his already broken skin. His skin that already contained millions of scars and fresher wounds. It hadn't even been a week since he'd last done this, so he ended up opening up most of the cuts he'd made just recently. He didn't feel much as he did it, but it was an unsettling feeling when he opened up cuts that had been slowly healing on his skin.

The cigarette had been burnt to the filter in a matter of minutes, so he spit it out and let it stay on the grey tiles while he continued to cut his stomach and chest repeatedly as he grew lightheaded. He was drenched in blood, both his arms red and his chest mirroring it as it dripped down and washed away with the water. Newt reached for the bottle that was next to him still, his hands shaking due to the pain as he finally grabbed a hold of what he wanted. He managed to open it, taking a chug from the bottle despite it burning his throat like his scissors burnt his arms.

A few minutes later, he was so dizzy and disoriented that he couldn't take another sip from the alcoholic beverage, and he dropped the bottle instead and let it crash to the floor as he was losing his strength quickly. His eyes were closing as he was falling out of consciousness, and his head hurt as he let his scissors fall as well.

His body slowly moved to the side without his control, and he fell with his head hitting the tiled floor beneath him. Newt was unconscious, lying there as the cold water continued to hit him as the shower head hadn't been turned off. It was oddly peaceful as he laid there though.

He slowly woke up what felt like hours later, but he didn't find himself in the bathroom like he should've been. Newt was just lying on the lacrosse field at school, clothed as if he'd never even been in the shower. It was his usual attire, jeans and a sweater, and he got up with the strength that he had. He then turned around when he heard something, and he saw Thomas sitting a few feet away with a smile on his face as he glanced up at the blonde, lacrosse stick beside him and his jersey on.

"Hey." Newt walked over, slowly and hesitant as if something could happen at any moment and come between them. When he finally reached Thomas, he sat down beside him as rain started to fall from the sky that had been clouded.

"H-hey." Thomas lay his body down on the grass as Newt did the same, and they looked at each other with the same loving look that they'd always shared. Thomas slowly laced their hands together, and Newt held them up as he studied them. There was a contrast between their skin tone as Thomas was more tan, and he continued to look at them to see the difference between their hands. His sweater lifted a bit and some of his scars could be seen, and Thomas let his thumb graze the marks lightly as Newt moved closer into Thomas' side.

"I love you." Thomas looked at Newt after he'd said it, and Newt kissed his jawline quickly before replying.

"I love you too." Thomas tightened his grip on Newt's hand as if he'd slip away, and they were both where they belonged, right beside each other. Thomas gave Newt one last reassuring smile, and Newt never wanted to let him go.

Okay so first off, I ended up loving Thomas so much that I didn't even want to kill him anymore like I'd always planned. At times I was thinking that I should've thrown that idea out. But I did it and now I shall cry because I killed him. At least the cover makes sense now. Notice how Thomas is looking down sorta? Like he's looking down at Newt cause he's no longer with him. And then it's called The Beginning of the End because the end is Thomas dying but there has to be a beginning obviously.

So, here the story ends. It's only my second story that I've ever done, and it's my first Newtmas story too. I'm glad that this turned out to be my first Newtmas story, cause I like how it turned out and I thought the writing was an improvement from my other story XD. If you liked this story and like my writing (for whatever reason) then you can read my new Newtmas story :D I have two planned. One is being written and I'll update it straight after this is published. It's called Lurk and I'm so freaking excited for it.... It's gonna be good. (I hope).

Anyway, anyone who read this I shall give a massive hug too cause I really appreciate it. Even if you hate the ending XD I hope I at least wrote it in a way that made up for what I did.