I am so freaking excited for this chapter I can't even right now. I have been planning this like crazy and it's just like ahhhh. Sorry it's a bit late and a bit shorter. And this chapter took ages to get right. I'm overly critical. And this chapter does get triggering. It's pretty intense I think. Yea. It was difficult, but here goes. Also, I let my friend borrow my calculator and now I'm still trying to decide if I should regret it or not. XD And I found my favorite Newtmas GIF. And then I won this award in English class and it was "Most likely to cry over Newt in the Maze Runner" and I was like awww people pay attention to my Newtmas Rants. And this song for this chapter is like perfection.

"I"ll be watching like always."

"Promise?" Newt sighed, nodded, and Thomas smiled before leaving a haste kiss on Newt's lips.

"Course I will. What else am I supposed to do?"

"That's a fair point. I just want to make sure you're still around me."

"Obsessed much?" In love, much. That's what Thomas wanted to reply with. But he knew he couldn't, so he stopped himself before a single word left his lips. He still wanted to say those words though.

"I just really like being with you, Newt. You know that." Newt did know that, and he was fine with it actually, but he still found himself having a hard time grasping the whole concept of Thomas liking him. Loving him actually. Fortunately, Newt wasn't aware of that as he walked away from the other, to his tree, before sitting down and giving the other boy a wink.

Thomas started lacrosse practice shortly after, playing like he always did. Occasionally, he'd glance over at Newt to make sure that he was still okay. He always was, even though he eventually got bored of just sitting there and watching. So, what he did, was smoke.

Newt breathed in, the chemicals leaving a burning sensation in his throat. It didn't bother him anymore as he'd done it so often, but the feeling was still there. He watched Thomas play as he continued to hold onto the filter of the cigarette he held in his hands. He always ended up doing this, every time Thomas had practice. It was a regular routine for him nowadays, and he didn't mind it. It was relaxing for him. Smoking whilst watching Thomas always calmed him to a great extent.

But his calm composure quickly went away when someone suddenly stood in front of him, and he looked up to find none other than his Algebra teacher. Newt sighed before throwing his cigarette to the ground, awaiting to be yelled at because that was likely to happen for him.

"May I ask what you're doing?" He had the instinct to run, his legs almost working for him as he stood up. Newt was taller, but he wasn't an authoritative figure in this case. Being intimidating would not work, and he wasn't even an intimidating person to begin with, so it was even less likely to work in this case.

"I'm sitting outside whilst watching my boyfriend play lacrosse." Newt thought that saying Thomas' name would hold less of an attitude than saying that it was his boyfriend, so that is what he went with. And maybe he shouldn't have said that, avoided it entirely. But he hadn't.

"You're smoking." And then something seemed to snap in Newt, and he was suddenly furious. He didn't know what took over him, but something did. And it would've probably been better if it hadn't.

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious. You know what else I was doing? I was watching Thomas score a goal. And now you're blocking my way. Move." The teacher was clearly shocked, but seemed unfazed by the attitude.

"Think you're being smart with that attitude?" Newt rolled his eyes and went to walk away, but the other wouldn't let him, blocking Newt's path as he walked, so he stopped.

"If you're not gonna let me walk away and stop bothering me then you might as well just tell me what's gonna happen to me and leave me alone." Nothing else was said between them, and Thomas watched Newt walk into school with his head down and hands curled into fists. Thomas knew then that Newt was mad. And it wouldn't have bothered him so much normally, but he saw their shared teacher walk behind him, and he figured that Newt had done something.

"Lovely." He muttered, walking over to the coach to tell him that he needed the bathroom quickly. Putting his lacrosse stick on the bench, he ran inside and to the principles office. He assumed that that's where Newt would be, but he hadn't been there since they first met. Thomas was surprised that he hadn't gotten himself in any more trouble and been there more than once. But that's the way it was.

The door was shut when he arrived, and he figured Newt was in there. Thomas wanted to storm inside, take his boyfriend, and leave. But that wasn't an option for him and it wouldn't be doing Newt any favors. However, it turned out that he didn't really need to knock, because Newt was out a few seconds later, barely acknowledging Thomas as he stormed past him. He dared to glance inside, seeing the principle looking through paper work, but then he remembered that Newt had just run off. His Newt.

Of course he had to run after him, there was nothing else for him to do but that, which is what he did. And sure enough, he found Newt by his tree, about to light another cigarette that Thomas took away from him in a second.

"Newt, what did you do?" Newt glanced up, a vicious look in his eyes as he chuckled.

"Assuming it's my fault? Course you are. You're like everyone else that I know." Thomas was surprised to hear Newt speak so harshly to him, but he knew that the other was angry, so maybe he should've expected it to happen.

"Newt, you know I don't mean it that way. I'm just wondering what's happened."

"Our fucking teacher saw me smoking and decided to be a bitch about it." Thomas sighed, leaning against the tree trunk beside him before looking at Newt again.

"Should I hate myself for finding you swearing really damn attractive?" Newt smiled and shook his head, gesturing for Thomas to sit beside him, which he did.

"You should hate yourself for finding me attractive in general."

"Don't say that to me." The blonde shrugged, kicking a stone beneath his feet to keep himself from having to look at who was next to him.

"Take you home?"

"Whatever." Thomas took that as a yes, getting up and making sure that Newt followed suit, which he did. They got in the car completely silent, and it wasn't the usual uncomfortable silence that they would find themselves in. It was a silence that neither of them liked.

Thomas was almost relieved when he parked in front of Newt's house, rushing to get out to open the other door for Newt. But Newt didn't wait this time like he usually did. He opened the door himself, walked out like it was nothing, before closing it after him. It broke Thomas, but he didn't dare say anything about it. Newt was old enough to do things on his own, but it still stung.

So, Thomas just followed in pursuit as Newt stepped inside, leaving the door open for Thomas to step after him. Again, neither of them said anything. Newt because he didn't want to, and Thomas because he didn't dare to. Eventually, they ended up in his room, and that's where one of them first spoke after ages of silence.

"I think you should rest, Newt."

"You think I should rest?! Oh, really? Isn't that fantastic, now you're telling me what to do too!"

Thomas hadn't expected Newt to shout, and it scared him to see Newt so agitated. Especially when it was being directed to him. Sure, he'd seen Newt angry, and they'd argued before. But Newt suddenly seemed to hold so much fury in his eyes that he was about to explode, and Thomas had no idea what that was like. Newt had never been the type to be capable of much violence. At least not towards others. Thomas had known that since they first met, but right now, he wasn't so sure about what Newt could, or could not, do.

"Newt, please. Calm down. I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm just worried about you!" Thomas' own frustration grew as he ended up shouting his last sentence, surprising not just Newt, but himself as well.

"I worry about you every damn second! I'm not telling you what to do, I'm showing you that I'm concerned and that I think you need some sleep! It's nothing against you!" Newt chuckled, almost as if he was up to something, planning his next sentence in his mind with malicious intent to hurt the other. He was mapping together a plan in his mind as Thomas stood there, worry laced with fear shown through his demeanor.

"And how do I know it's not all a lie?! You could care less about me! Nobody cares! Not my parents, not my classmates, and definitely not you! Do you have any idea about what you've done?! You've ruined my life!" Without another word, Newt stormed into his bathroom and slammed the door, and Thomas didn't even attempt to go after him. He was shocked. But he was also hurt. It was like every word that Newt had spoken, had crushed a bit of him, until eventually all of him had crumbled together. Tears fell from his eyes slowly, the pain he felt hurting to the point where he gripped his sweater, as if pulling at it was like pulling at his heart, putting it back into place where it should be, and not broken.

Nothing could've prepared him for what Newt did next though. And he stood frozen as Newt stormed back out, shirtless with blood running down his arms, and scissors in his hands. Thomas hadn't expected the other boy to laugh, like he was some sort of monster that had taken over the real Newt.

And then the blonde diverted his eyes away from Thomas, and down to his wrists again, cutting whatever skin was left that hadn't been damaged yet, going over some fresh wounds along the way. It hurt, for both of them, but Newt pretended like it didn't, continuing down his stomach as Thomas just stared at him with wide eyes. He was still crying, and he could see that Newt was too, despite the anger in his eyes, the vicious intent. Despite all that, he was sad.

"You see this Tommy? You do this." It came out as a whisper, but Thomas heard it loud and clear as if he'd been shouting it out to him. He wanted to respond, to tell Newt to stop, but he couldn't bring himself too. Thomas was frozen in a moment where he shouldn't have been.

"This is what you do to me!" The fact that Newt was screaming, seemed to snap him out of it. Everything was brought back to him and he wasn't frozen anymore. More tears fell from both their eyes as Thomas tried to process it all at once. Newt hadn't just hurt himself by doing this, he'd hurt Thomas too.

"Please stop, Newt. Please. Stop hurting yourself."

"You're the one hurting me." It felt like a knife had pierced through Thomas' skin, leaving him barely breathing again as Newt continued what he was doing.

But there was only one thing that seemed to cloud Thomas' mind now, and he knew that Newt needed to know. He deserved to know after everything he's been put through. Wether it's because of Thomas or himself. There was only one thing Thomas could think about in this moment, and he finally let Newt know what it was.

"I love you." And Thomas may've not expected Newt to say it back, but he also hadn't expected Newt to completely lose his mind. But that's what happened. The blonde started to throw things off his desk, moving along to his bed and ripping off the bed sheets, but not before Thomas finally moved again, placing his hand above the others and stopping him from going any further.

He held Newt in his arms, making sure that the other didn't do anything else as Newt broke down into tears again, blood visible on both their shirts. And Thomas couldn't hold it in in that moment either anymore, breaking down himself as they held each other close.

"You're crazy for staying with me, Tommy." Thomas chuckled and kissed his forehead tenderly, earning a smile from the other.

"I never claimed to be sane." Newt looked at Thomas, placing a finger on the others lips gently, tracing the shape whilst Thomas continued to smile in adoration.

And then Newt kissed him, Thomas responding as soon as he knew what he was doing. When their lips met, Newt's heart fluttered, and he felt weird. But it was an amazing feeling as he had the urge to never pull away from Thomas' lips. However, they both needed to breath, pulling away from each other regretfully. Newt's wrists were still bloodied as Thomas gently took a hold of his arm, observing the damage Newt had caused. Without a single word, Thomas got up, carefully pulling Newt up with him while making sure that he wouldn't injure the other boy any more.

He carried Newt over to the bathroom, setting him down gently on the counter beside the sink. Thomas saw the shattered glass that Newt had broken from his mirror a while ago, but he didn't say anything, he was just careful where he put Newt down, so that he wouldn't be injured any more. He got a towel from the cabinet, before turning on the tap and placing it underneath, soaking the towel with cold water.

"Tell me if I hurt you." They both winced at the same time after he'd said that. Newt was already hurt, and the idea of Thomas hurting him more pained them both.

"I will." Thomas stood between Newt's legs and took one of Newt's arms into his hand, dabbing the cold towel over the cuts. Newt hissed as it started to burn, but he knew that this had to be done. His wounds were bad this time, probably worse than they'd ever been, and he needed to avoid an infection.

"Hey, could I ask you something, Newt?" Newt diverted his attention away from the cuts and up to Thomas' eyes, nodding as he did so, and Thomas took a deep breath before going on.

"Have you ever done something like this before?" Newt gave him a look, and Thomas wanted to shy away.

"You've known about this for a while."

"I didn't mean the action itself. I meant where you start yelling and screaming before doing that in front of someone." Newt thought for a second, but shook his head shortly after.

"No, never." Thomas' body started shaking then, trying not to let newer tears fall down his cheeks.

"I can't get the image out of my head, Newt. You scare me so much sometimes." Newt sighed as Thomas bandaged him up, but his hands were so shaky at this point, that Newt had to place his hand over Thomas' to calm him.

"You're shaking." Thomas chuckled.

"You're worried about me? You're in a lot more pain than me." Newt furiously shook his head as he finished setting the bandaids into place.

"I think you're hurting just as much as me." Thomas leaned his forehead against Newt's own, his arms loosely next to the other boy where he was seated.

"Is it normal for my heart to feel so heavy when I'm hurt?"

"Tends to happen sometimes. Could be guilt too."

"I feel guilty because I just stood there watching you do this to yourself. And I could've stopped it. I could've run up to you and made sure you didn't do anything more. But all I did was stand there like an idiot and watch."

"If it helps you feel any better, you wouldn't be the first to just watch while I'm injured."

"That doesn't help me feel better. It just makes me more curious about you." Newt sighed and walked back into his bedroom, sitting down on his yoga ball that he had placed in the corner while Thomas took the bed.

"I tried to kill myself. Twice actually. But I failed obviously. I fail with everything." Thomas' ears perked up as he listened carefully at what the other said, staying quiet despite the urge to say something. But when Newt didn't say anything else, he decided to speak.

"How did you do it?"

"Well, first off, I tried to. I didn't do it. And I may've tried to overdose on medication once, but it wasn't enough and I just ended up feeling sick to the point where I wouldn't stop throwing up. I didn't die though. Not like I wanted, anyway."

"Newt..." Newt shushed him before he could continue speaking, but his eyes held great sadness as he stopped speaking, letting Newt finish.

"I want to tell you this. You should know what kind of person you're with. Please, let me finish." Thomas nodded slowly, biting his lip before biting his nails as he waited.

"A few months later, I tried to hang myself." Thomas' eyes widened in horror, and he couldn't help but let out a barely audible "What?" But Newt merely nodded, looking down ashamed as he didn't want to see the others look of shock anymore. However, he continued to speak.

"I wrapped the rope around my neck and kicked away the chair beneath me. But then the rope snapped and I just lay there coughing as my body tried to gain back the oxygen it had lost." Thomas didn't know what to say, he was speechless at this point, staring at Newt as if he had nowhere else to look.

"I-is that why you have your, ehrm, your limp?" Newt shook his head, he figured the question would come up at some point, especially if they were having a conversation like this. But, his limp was actually an entirely different story.

"So you've wondered why I have a limp then, Tommy?" Thomas thought about it, and the question had indeed crossed his mind a couple of times before, but it eventually became so normal to see Newt limping that he barely ever registered it nowadays. He'd only just thought about it again after Newt admitted to trying to hang himself.

"I used to, yea." Newt rolled over to him with the ball, resting his head on his hands as he looked intently at the other.

"Mum pushed me down the stairs. And then she just watched me fall, and my leg was all messed up. You know what she did? She didn't even help. I was crying but she just walked away. I never went to the hospital so they never put the bone back in place properly. Or whatever it even was. So, I have a limp." Thomas couldn't believe what he was hearing, he didn't want to believe it. He knew that Newt's mum wasn't the most loving parent, but that she would do this came as a surprise, even to him.

"How old were you?" Newt shrugged, trying to remember when it was.

"I think I was seven." He looked down, ashamed again as he felt Thomas take a hold of his hands.

"Hey, it's alright, Newt. I'll keep you safe now. I promise." Newt smiled and pecked the corner of Thomas' lips gently, laughing slowly as the other pulled him up and on top of him.

"Tommy, I forgot to say something to you earlier. But I want you to know this." Newt moved so that he was lying beside Thomas with his head on the other boys chest, hearing his steady heartbeat as they intertwined their hands again. It worked like a reflex for the both of them nowadays, and neither minded it.

"What was it, Newt?" Newt looked up at him, smiling, and never had he been more sure of his words that were spoken. He threw his fears aside, and he'd finally come to realize and accept what he felt. Figuring it out earlier when Thomas had said it to him.

"I love you too, Tommy." And he really did.