chapter xvii. divulgence

Once your tutoring hours with Lady Laurel is over, Lord Gordan enters the library to fill in the final tutoring hours of the day with his lessons in defence and royal principles.

However, since your physical condition is yet to be fit enough for any rigorous activities, he had instead decided to bring out the textbooks and help you run through everything that you have learned from your lessons so far.

Still having a foul mood after your last conversation with Lady Laurel, while still feeling lightheaded after spending hours staring at the flickering flames of the candles used for your practice, you initially feel unenthusiastic about getting into the next lecture. The candles have now been set aside, with most of the ones used already burned in half. Leaving behind the mere scent of burnt wax and lavender, a faint sight of smoke still swirling around the burnt wicks, and your dwindling resolve thanks to the lack of clear result from the practice.

But the moment Lord Gordan begins talking about the statute of territorial defence and the royal orders that you would need to learn by heart—in the rare case that you are needed to take over the King's duty to protect the empire—you are taken back to the conversation you had with Yoongi the other day.

You are suddenly reminded of his story; about the kingdoms that are believed to have utilised powerful protection spells to secure their home territories and the people within from any kind of harm coming their way. Be it in the form of an outside threat or something that comes from within. Just like what had happened to the King back at The Citadel.

You carefully bring this up to Lord Gordan, claiming that you had simply read about this in one of the books of magic theories and practices that your tutors have been making you read throughout the weeks you spent learning from them, and you have grown curious about these spells.

Bringing this matter seems to have caught Lord Gordan by surprise, judging by the flicker of amusement you see briefly appearing in his gaze. It is quite subtle, and you would have missed it if you haven't been so accustomed to Lord Gordan's stoic expression when he is on duty, or when he is dictating the law and regulations of the empire, and perhaps even when he is observing you in your lessons in royal etiquette with Nanny Abigail.

But at the same time, it is quite obvious that he is also pleased that you would talk about this matter with him, much less for you to mention about your concern in protecting the people of the empire. You can see it through the spark of amusement growing in his eyes while he is listening to you speak up your mind.

Reaching out to pick up one of the magic books that Lady Laurel has left behind after the previous lecture, Lord Gordan flips through the book before stopping at a certain page. He slowly places the book back down to show its content to you, and then starts rubbing at the thin beard growing on his jawline as he leans back in his seat.

"The use of magic as a form of defence is something that has been done for centuries," he says, while you peruse the opened page of the book to see an entire page filled with enchantments, theories of magical spells, their different purposes and how to conjure them, with half of the texts written in ancient tongue—the old language that you are still struggling to learn.

Lord Gordan continues to speak, explaining some of the spells that are written in the book and how to read them, when your gaze stops at the part which mentions about the protection spells similar to what you were talking about. Seeing them mentioned here so clearly quickly sparks your interest that you straighten up in your seat to get a better look at the texts.

If there had been any doubt about this type of magic when you first heard of it from Yoongi, it has certainly evaporated the moment you are seeing it with your own eyes. Granted, they are merely written in theories, but the more you read, the more clues you are getting about the spells and how they work, it becomes an eye opening moment that you just cannot stop reading about them.

Even more so when you come to the part of the text explaining how the spells could be altered depending on the one casting them. That they could be used to either protect a vast territory to a single person, even to protect something as small and trivial as a piece of jewellery.

"I'm going to assume that it would need a powerful mana to be able to cast such a spell to protect an entire territory as vast as the territories under Nythelean Empire, or to simply protect the entire empire as it is," you cautiously wonder as you lean back in your seat, staring straight at the royal aide as you question him further,

"Could it be that the same applies to our territory then? Are Nythelean Empire and all the territories under the King's ruling all protected by the same kind of spell? Lady Laurel spoke of magic that is protecting the castle, so I know that there is magic existing in every corner of the castle."

A look of pride manifests on Lord Gordan's face. "Yes, that is correct, Your Highness. Every single territory under the empire is within the protection of the spell."

"But the empire is spread so wide, if we are to include The Citadel, the home castle, and the surrounding territories as well. Who would be strong enough to cast the spells, then?" you ask him, even if deep down, you can roughly guess who might have been capable enough to be casting these powerful spells.

Perhaps a part of you is still in denial, unable to believe that a single person would be capable of casting such a spell, something that is strong enough for it to stretch far and away, not only to cover a vast territory such as the Stargrave Castle and its surrounding areas, but also beyond, crossing over different realms to have the outer lands of the empire protected just as well.

You make yourself believe that there is a group of powerful mages receiving the King's command to conjure such a spell to protect his empire, until Lord Gordan calmly answers, disrupting your beliefs by saying,

"His Majesty himself casted the spells to protect us all."

This time, you are the one who is caught by surprise. Although, the thought of your father using his magic to protect the empire shouldn't be too surprising to hear, not after what you have witnessed and learned for yourself to know what the King seems to be capable of. The magic portals, the disguises, and the ability to be in different places in a short amount of time. Finding the vast spread of farmland within a territory under a different kingdom which he secretly owns, and recalling what the history books have written about your father's journey in establishing the empire also help you to believe that when it comes to the King, anything is possible.

But then a new wave of uncertainty comes to you the more you think about your father and his supposedly powerful magic.

You cannot help but recall Lady Laurel's words—both from today's lecture and from the letters that she had sent to you while you were indisposed—of how she talked about the possibility that your magic may be similar to the King's. Something that she had deduced after observing the possibility that your illness may have been caused by the fact that your mana was responding to the King's magic that is present within the home castle.

Is it really possible that you may have such a powerful magic inside you as well?

The idea makes your head spin. Because it seems too inconceivable for you to gain such a strong mana inside you, when you could barely contain the raw energy that you have encountered since the day you started living in this castle.

As if it isn't enough for you to deal with, already finding it hard to process all of this new information, Lord Gordan takes it a step further as he continues to say, "The King has been doing so for a long time, for as long as the empire exists and even before, when he first protected the land to begin building his new home. It is something that many other rulers have done to protect their kingdoms, and just like other Kings and Queens, the task of using their magic to protect the empire should be passed on to the direct heir of the throne."

Lord Gordan levels his gaze to yours when he later adds, "And that person is none other than you, Your Highness."

In contrary to the prideful look that he is giving you, the only thing you feel is the weight of responsibility that you suddenly have to carry with you, leaving you with a sense of uneasiness and a tightness in your chest that makes it hard for you to breathe.

To think that you have been so unknowingly carrying such a force inside you, yet you have no knowledge about it nor the power to control it. Unsurprisingly, it makes you feel wary. Having such an unidentified force inside your body doesn't seem to be something that you can take lightly. But knowing this only gives you more reason not to remain idle about it. It makes you feel even more curious than ever before about your magic.

You want to learn more. You want to be able to see it. And you also wonder if you would one day be strong enough to harness your magic and to do exactly what your father has done.

With this idea running through your head, you find yourself confiding in Lord Gordan, expressing your thoughts and feelings, your curiosity, and also the disappointment that you still feel for not being able to gain Lady Laurel's guidance to help uncover your magic. You cannot help but also open up about the questions that are filling your head right now about your magic.

What does it do?

What kind of form does it take once unleashed?

Why is it locked? What should you do to be able to unlock it?

Has it always been there all along, or does being in this realm had somehow triggered it from blooming, and will you ever have the chance to use it in the future?

Much to your surprise, Lord Gordan seems to be more open to listen to your concerns. While rubbing his thin beard, he begins murmuring something about different ways that you could possibly try to unlock your magic—while insinuating that he is interested in helping to guide you through it.

"Lady Laurel's practices would have been able to help unlock your magic, if only you are made to focus on releasing it and opening up your mana instead of simply manifesting it into a flowing energy which remains inside your body," Lord Gordan calmly says, his gaze suddenly turning sharp as he adds, "But it wouldn't be fair to say that her practices had been without a purpose or positive results."

"What does that mean?" you wonder.

Lord Gordan hums softly. "I could tell, just by looking at you right now, the changes that have occurred ever since you started the magic lessons with Lady Laurel. It seems to me that her practices may have helped sharpen your senses. That's the one change that I've felt the most," he explains. "And if I may guess, you may have started to feel a connection with your mana, detecting its presence inside you even if you haven't been able to manipulate it in its full form."

His startling deduction leaves you speechless.

As neither of your other tutors have been able to notice any changes or progress that have happened ever since you learned how to manifest your mana the way you have been using it, you haven't thought of the possibility that Lord Gordan—the King's aide who you have rarely spent time with outside of his lectures, unlike the way you are with Nanny Abigail—would be able to notice something like this simply by observing you closely.

"Perhaps I can help you with it," Lord Gordan suddenly suggests, just as an uneasy feeling sets in.

"Help me with—unlocking my mana?"

Lord Gordan shakes his head. "I'm afraid I am not adept enough with that matter, Your Highness. Nor am I confident enough to go against His Majesty's order to keep myself from meddling with your magic lessons," he says, with a cryptic smile and an unreadable glint coming out through his gaze which reminds you too much of the look that Yoongi gave you when he first coaxed you into revealing your magic.

"Of course, the safest solution would be to wait until His Majesty returns and guides you through it himself, assuming that the King is the only one who truly understands about the mana which you had inherited both from His Majesty and the late Queen, and how to control your mana once it is unleashed. But it doesn't mean that we should wait until then to learn how to manipulate your mana into a different kind of energy. It may help to prepare yourself to deal with your magic before it is awakened completely."

A small grin escapes you just as you are starting to feel hopeful. "Does that mean you're going to teach me how to cast a spell? Or maybe use this little mana I have to maybe hypnotise my guards, or my governess maybe, just so I could have a free time?"

Lord Gordan barks out a laugh. His smile turns cryptic once again once he sobers up. "Something like that," he says.

"And this is something that wouldn't force you to break His Majesty's rules?"

With a soft chuckle, Lord Gordan leans closer. "I can only hope that by guiding you through this, His Majesty himself would be grateful in the end that I have chosen to meddle even when I shouldn't," he continues, and when he notices that he may have only left you confused with his words, he carries on to ask, "I was informed by the royal physician about your condition. He mentioned that your exhaustion may have come from having your mana drained quite rapidly. Have you any idea what may have been the cause?"

Your mouth opens and closes as you silently ponder how to answer. How are you supposed to explain the real reason why you have been draining up your mana without telling him about your father's magic portals?

But wait, as someone who knows the ins and outs of the empire, and also the one responsible of taking care of the castle in His Majesty's absence, does he really not know about the portals?

"I, uh—I'm afraid I don't have a clue," you choose to answer, unable to tell just yet if he is trustworthy. But the dubious look that he is giving you makes you doubt if he truly believes anything that you just said.

"Hmmm, I see," Lord Gordan softly hums while once again rubbing at his beard, a habit that you have noticed to appear whenever he is in deep thought.

"There are a myriad of reasons that may have caused a person's mana to be drained and exhausted. Much like yours did," he calmly continues, showing no sign of having any curiosity about your latest—and without a doubt, quite risky—activities.

"Seeing that you are still adjusting with this realm, I am not entirely surprised that you are now facing the consequences from having to encounter new things. The different mana and overflowing energy that exist in your surroundings, the flow of magic, everything that you never once had to face."

"Lady Laurel mentioned that perhaps being within a place where magic exists had woken up the magic I have inside me too abruptly, and I wasn't ready for it," you wonder loudly, referring to another part of her letter where she talked about the possible reasons why you fell ill. "And since I had no control of it, it made it possible for the new energy I had to be drained out."

Lord Gordan lets out a soft hum. "Back when you were living in The Citadel, have you ever felt something similar to this? The kind of exhaustion that left you feeling listless?"

Holding back a smile, you question him back with a tease, "Like something was sucking my soul? Yes, I think I have. It didn't feel as intense as what I felt for the past few days, however." Looking back now, you have experienced a few occasions where you experienced unexplainable fatigue, something that even the royal physician working at The Citadel could never account for.

With a smile, Lord Gordan explains calmly, "With the lack of presence and knowledge of magic at The Citadel, any form of mana exhaustion that happened to you then would only be interpreted as any regular physical exhaustion. You may have felt too tired, too sleepy, without any thought of it having anything to do with your declining mana."

Lord Gordan pauses, giving you a moment to take this all in before continuing, "The only difference you have now is that your self-awareness of magic has made you more sensitive to the declining mana as it happens."

Your eyes grow wide, surprised to how his theory makes perfect sense. You remember how often you had ever felt similar to what he had just described. The only difference would be the fact that instead of having your mana drained by your father's suspicious portals, you had only felt this way after spending an entire day with your father, or when you were dealing with your royal duties under Nanny Abigail's guidance.

"Can you think of the reason why you would feel drained back then?"

"I can't really explain it. Mostly, it would happen after I spent my day doing my royal duties, or—" you sigh as you remember the days you spent at The Citadel, the long afternoons filled with lessons and duties, before you would join your father in the training field. "In the afternoon, I would spend a few hours training with my father or with the royal knights. My father, he insisted that I should learn some skills in swordsmanship and martial arts, so I would be able to defend myself if needed, whether I would protect myself with weapons or my own bare hands."

After listening to what you have to share, Lord Gordan falls silent for a moment. The sparkle in his eyes almost seems to grow brighter. As if the piece of information that you had just given him has all the answers that he has been seeking ever since you began talking about all of this.

"That would certainly—explain everything," you hear him murmur to himself.

Tilting your head, you look at him closely to question, "What do you mean? What are you thinking?"

The smile that appears on Lord Gordan's face is different, almost warm, as he openly shares his assessment. "I have reasons to believe that His Majesty hasn't truly been denying you the chance to learn about your magic. As a matter of fact, it seems to me that he had already started preparing you to harness your magic even before His Majesty finally decided to bring you back to the home castle."

"W-what makes you think that?"

With his hand rubbing lightly at his beard, Lord Gordan explains further, "Judging from what you had just told me, it seems that you were not only training physically through your coaching with the King. I'm quite sure that during your training with His Majesty, he would have used a little bit of his magic to help you get used to dealing with hidden mana or to somewhat awaken your magic. A subtle action that may have gone unnoticed, if only you were to remain in The Citadel instead of being here at Flagon, right where the main source of his magic lies."

Taken aback, you are once again left speechless. Just a while ago, you were feeling despondent because of your tutor's unyielding rejection and your father's strict rules which have been keeping people from meddling with your magic lessons.

But what if Lord Gordan is right, and that your initial thought about your father preventing you from harnessing your magic hadn't been the truth at all? Had he truly been preparing you for it for a long time instead of keeping you away from it?

"That might explain why you would be losing more energy than you normally would when going through these training sessions with the King and his knights. His Majesty must have been training you not only for the purpose of self defence, but also to prepare you to physically withstand the force of your magic once it is unlocked so you could channel it better."

"I—I never thought of it that way," you murmur softly as you look down at your open palms. "So you mean—he hasn't been completely keeping me away from learning about my magic?"

Father—has been preparing me for it all this time, training me to harness magic without me realising it?

With a low chuckle, Lord Gordan nods his head. "I can only imagine that once you resume the King's physical training, you would exert even bigger energy. Especially once you are able to channel your mana into your swordsmanship," he says to you with a reassuring tone that further sparks the hope you have brewing in your chest.

"In fact, I believe that it isn't the only thing that the King had set up to get you into shape before he could introduce you to your special magic, Your Highness," he adds, adding to your curiosity.

"It's not?"

"Lady Laurel's lessons in magic," he says, as if that alone would answer your question. "She has been teaching you everything that you needed to know about magic and this realm as a whole, has she not?"

You nod, and Lord Gordan continues, "She has also taught you the basics in magic, spells, about the mages that are gifted and trained to cast their magic, the different forms and sources of powers. And what had been her lesson today, may I ask?"

Biting your lips, you recall the practice that she introduced you today after you requested her to help you unlock your magic. Again, the dismay you felt when you had thought that you had gained nothing much of it is being lifted as you glance over to the burnt candles and answer, "A practice in centering my attention, to focus on my mana flow."

To your answer, Lord Gordan makes a delighted sound which startles you. "I see it now. Your Highness, I don't think that His Majesty has completely been denying you access to your powers."

"He is not?" The glimmer of hope reappears within you. "But how? I don't understand."

"To be able to harness a powerful magic that is equal to the King's magic, you would need a strong vessel to contain it and a strong core to help you channel your mana," he begins to explain, "Your body is your vessel, and I believe that the King has been using your training to prepare your physique while your magic is still contained under its restraint. Practicing your focus will help strengthen your core, allowing you to channel your mana and build a strong connection with it so you would be able to call upon it as easily as any strong mage could."

Surprised, pleased, and elated, you let out an incredulous laugh while staring at your palms once again. "So what you're telling me is that my father has been helping me with my magic all this time, instead of restricting me of it?" you question Lord Gordan, meeting his gaze and the cryptic smile that has once again appeared on his face while returning it with your own. "I suppose it wouldn't be right for me to continue being angry at the King, would it?"

Lord Gordan laughs. "No, I suppose not."

Shaking your head, you rest your hands on your lap and wonder loudly, "If what you said is true, then I don't get why my father would have to be all secretive about it, even going in a roundabout way before helping me with my magic directly."

Lord Gordan gives you a warm smile for a change when he answers, "I'm afraid only the King himself who could explain his reasons why."

"Then I guess that means I won't have my answers until he returns to the home castle then," you murmur with a light scoff.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. But—" he stalls, waiting until he gets your full attention before adding, "At least now, I know how to help you with your—predicament, Your Highness."

You tilt your head in wonder. "How so, Lord Gordan?"

"Since you already have your physical training and your focus accounted for, I might be able to combine both practices and help you learn a useful skill that may become crucial for your future practice in magic."

"What would that be?" you ask him, "What would I learn, if not to unlock my magic just yet?"

A small grin rises on Lord Gordan's face as he answers, "Total control."

True to his words of keeping you from exerting too much of your energy today, since he believes that you are still recovering from your illness, Lord Gordan simply spends the next hour of your lecture making up plans and listing out the practices that you are going to have on your future lessons with Lord Gordan until the day the King returns.

Unfortunately, the designated hour of his lesson ends too soon without you having the chance to try out some of his practices, but you still end the day with a new hope growing within you, and a promise to keep the planned lessons a secret from your other tutors.

"May I ask you something, Lord Gordan?" you ask him right before he walks out of the library at the end of your lecture.

Standing with one hand in his pocket—right where he keeps his pocket watch—Lord Gordan turns to face you. "Of course, you can ask me anything and I'll see if I could help."

"Why all the secrecy? Why did His Majesty prevent Lady Laurel and Lady Abigail from helping me unlock my magic? Why would my father create these conditions to make it seem as if he doesn't agree with the idea of me learning about my magic and how to use it?"

Lord Gordan takes a moment to mull over the answer before giving it to you. "Here, in this realm, there is an unspoken rule related to the magic that the most of us have within us," he begins to explain,

"Those who are gifted with magic would often keep everything about their powers a secret. About their magic, where they come from, what they do, in order to protect ourselves and oftentimes, the source of our magic. Most of the powerful mages wouldn't speak of their magic so openly unless it is with the people they trust, their own people and followers, or those directly affected by the magic itself."

He briefly stops, before continuing, "And when the magic itself comes from an ancient source, from beings that are as old as time itself, the more it is restricted, kept as a secret by the ones who still wield them or those who are these powers are inherited to, simply to keep it from getting into the wrong hands."

An uneasiness settles in your chest. "Because they could be used against us?"

Lord Gordan nods. "Precisely. And that is only one of the many reasons why we all keep any information about our magic so close to us."

Your father's warnings about keeping everything about the magic portals a secret come back to haunt you. The cryptic way he said it leaves an unsettling feeling inside. "A family secret. That's what my father would call it."

A small smile appears on Lord Gordan's face as he thinks about the King. "The King's magic is—special. I'm sure His Majesty will eventually tell you everything there is to know about his family's magic, but all I can say to you is this," he says as he takes a step closer to explain further—

"Most rulers, the Kings and Queens and the mightiest Emperors of any Kingdoms and Empires of the realm have always had one thing in common. They have always used their magic to rule their empires, their home territories, and to lead their people. Their magic allows them to keep things in order, for the people to be protected, for the empires to flourish, and for every living being within their power to keep living a prosperous life."

As you let his words to sink into your thoughts, you are reminded of the flourishing land of Smotia and wonder if your father's magic has anything to do with its prosperity.

But why doesn't he do the same here, at the home castle, that is somehow appears almost barren aside from the glimmering coastline?

"This is probably why His Majesty is limiting the amount of people who could be exposed of his magic directly, and I am sure that he is trying to protect you by doing the same, to help you shield the magic within you from being exposed to the wrong people until the day you are ready to harness it for the sake of the empire."

You can understand where he is coming from, even if you still cannot understand why the King would keep everything about this realm and the family's magic a secret even from you for so many years. You express this thought to Lord Gordan as well, as you wonder why your father had to wait for so long to move you to the home castle, to this realm, and to expose you to magic.

With a sigh, Lord Gordan reminds you once again that the King had already begun to prepare you to deal with everything since back at The Citadel. "Contrary to what you might have believed, you have always had the magic inside you, Your Highness," he later adds, "It's just that for some people, that magic may take different times to manifest into their final forms instead of staying in the form of a passive mana circulating in your core the way yours still do now."

Frowning, you try to guess what he might be implying. "You're saying that he already tried to help unlock my magic since back then."

Nodding, Lord Gordan shares his thoughts with you to say, "I might surmise that it could be the reason why His Majesty had chosen to bring you back to the home castle at this time."

You shake your head lightly as you recall the day the King informed you about moving you here. "My father said that he wanted to protect me. To bring me to safety. There are threats being made against the empire and it would have been too dangerous for me to be at The Citadel should any of his enemies strike us."

"His Majesty was telling the truth, but I wouldn't be too surprised if that had not been the only reason why he made the move to bring you home," Lord Gordan says with a small smile, "Because if your magic is truly in the midst of manifesting into its final form already, then imagine what could have happened if you had been at The Citadel when the enemy's attack does come."

The unsettling feeling returns. "Would it be terrible?"

Lord Gordan nods. "It would have left you completely vulnerable if you haven't mastered a way to control your mana. Not to mention, your magic—if it is as suspected to be a mirror of what the King possesses—would serve as a beacon, attracting any form of threats that may have been aiming for the King's source of power."

Putting it that way, everything that you had just learned about your father's scheme of secretly teaching and preparing you to harness your magic finally makes sense. He must have had everything thought of, planned out thoroughly to be able to help you manifest your magic to its full form—as Lord Gordan explicitly explained.

"There is also another thing that you must be wary of before you delve deeper into your magic," Lord Gordan adds just as you are slowly beginning to understand more about what your father may have planned for you.

"More things to worry about?" you jokingly ask him with a bitter chuckle.

But the light mood instantly fades when you notice that Lord Gordan's expression has turned serious, the humour that he previously showed you is long gone, while the smile that he is giving you seems to be filled with a hint of remorse.

"You must remember that magic comes with a price. Especially with the kind of magic that the King and his family possess. For a significant and powerful spell such as what the King has cast upon the empire, he would have had to give up something for an exchange of the power that he would have needed to be able to do so."

All so suddenly, fear grips tightly at your chest. Chill runs through your spine when you ask him, "Give up something—like what?"

Lord Gordan sighs. "Something other than mana. Something that would be most precious to the King."