(Hey guys, I know its been a long time but I'm going to be leaving a lot out and skipping through many months after this chapter, as a book is, I went through some of the hardest chapters of my life and prefer to not write about it. I may refer to some events but a lot is going to be kept out. My next chapter will start in July 2021. This chapter is from December of 2020, please keep your mind open. 

Also a trigger warning for a heavy topic of suicide, sh, drugs, and being in a mental hospital.))

It was December 13th, it was somber and dark outside like usual for this time of winter. The air was cold and dry, sure to hurt the back of your throat whenever you breathed in outside. It was almost minty.. There I was in my room, struggling to find a reason to live yet again, I was already drowning in fear and my emotions, drowning in loads of overdue assignments. So what was the point in living anyways?

"Where would we even go, Clarabelle?" 

My voice came out a bit croaky and quiet. Perhaps I had been screaming too much lately, but I couldn't control that. Everyday was a bit darker and harder to get through. It was as if the days were turning more and more endless. As I laid on my bed, I stared at the ceiling fan, which was endlessly spinning in circles. My rather fat orange cat, Clarabelle, sat on top of my chest. Her body vibrated very lightly as her purr sounded like a racecar starting up. She is an amazing cat, she was always there for me when I needed her, especially today you'll find.

Slightly blurred vision clouded my eyes, making it nearly impossible to see. I looked down at my wrists, finding blood trickling out of the wounds I carved. After it got retracted by a thin razor blade a few minutes prior, it was continuously bleeding. Next to my side, my sheets and clothes were stained with blood, so was a rather sharp pair of scissors. I had used them so many times that they were permanently scarlet at the sides and tip. Tears started to rim my eyes after my mind took a realization of what I had done. Was I really that fucking helpless??

Dark thoughts were pounding through my mind, inclosing on me tightly, making it hard to see anything but the end of my life. I couldn't seem to find my way through this moment so I reached over to my bedside table and took a pill bottle out of the drawer, pouring a few out into my hand. "I-I can't handle this shit a-anymore... Life is too stressful, I just want to be untroubled again, I want to be appreciated by my parents but they only see me as a failure!" My voice trembled as I spoke to myself, I could nearly howl in pain. My whole body was in discomfort, physically and emotionally. Memories started to flood into my mind, the bad and the good, only making things worse, at least so I thought.

For context on why I felt so bad, it is because of my parents, sounds crazy right? Well when you are getting compared to your brother all the time and not doing well in school, it's rough. Every single day I come from school I start shaking when I enter the house and I speed up to my room, it was where I hid so I wouldn't have to fight or be yelled at.

Suddenly I felt another sharp pain in my forearm, to my surprise it was my cat, batting lightly at my arm, causing me to drop the pills. "W-what are you doing, baby..?" I cried harder. In my eyes it was like my cat was trying to keep me alive, like a guardian angel. I muttered some rude words to my cat but started petting her, which got me to calm down a bit and set the pill bottle down.

 My sleeves felt damp still, so I decided to take a look at them. It was then that I found out I was still bleeding, which wasn't a good sign, I needed to tell somebody. My brother, I could tell him, he's trustworthy and struggled with this stuff too! In the past my brother, Ben, has confided in me with unsettling thoughts, he has had thoughts of suicide before but never acted on them.

Picking up my pace, I sprinted downstairs to the basement, holding my arm and avoiding eye contact with my parents. My brother was gaming so it wasn't easy to get his attention, "Ben! I need y-your help, it went too far this time.." I nudged his shoulder and he turned back to look at me, seeming angry at first but once he knew what happened his expression dropped to a frown. "Hey hey, shh. It's going to be alright, let's go upstairs and clean this up before Mom and Dad see.." My brother spoke in a calming manner, careful to not freak me out or cause more stress. I followed my curly-haired brother and stood alone in the kitchen, waiting for him when he brought my mother into the kitchen. 

Under the dim light of the oven, you could see that I blinked a few times, not understanding what was going on until it hit my head like a blunt force of trauma. My eyes widened as my mom pulled me into a hug, again I started to bawl, not being able to hold it back. My body trembled in fear, was my mom mad? This was all MY fault, wasn't it? Salty tears streamed down my face, I could taste that and a bit of a rustic blood flavor in my mouth, surely it wasn't pleasant.

Later on, after about fifteen minutes, you would find me and my mother silently driving in the night. She was taking me to get evaluated by PineRest, she wanted to help me. That thought surprised me, sure it seemed like she didn't care too much most of the time, though I guess she did. Time was surreal right around now, you couldn't tell if hours or just seconds had passed by. I blankly stared out my window with an expressionless face, zoning out a lot.

 Throughout this time all that could be heard was white noise, silence, and infinite ringing. I could feel my pocket buzzing every few minutes, which was texts and missed calls from my girlfriend and best friends. I wanted to respond but I didn't have nearly enough energy to do that, it was pointless anyway right? Why would they care if I was still alive? It's not like I make much of a difference in this world, I thought to myself.

Out of the blue, I'd felt my mum shaking my shoulder, we had arrived at our destination. "I'm sorry Mom... I just feel so worthless and I feel like I screw everything up." At this point my voice was nearly soundless from all the screaming and crying I had done within the past hours, I wondered if my mother could even hear me. "Hey! Don't you say that darling, you are NOT worthless... You don't screw my life up at all, our family loves you so much, and I'm so sorry you haven't felt safe enough to tell us what was going on.." Glancing over to my mom I could catch that she was crying. She wiped her tears away and said nothing else as we got out of the car. Look now I made her cry, another thing that's my fault, I sighed heavily.

Eventually, I had gotten fully evaluated by a nice lady and was told that they recommended I to stay inpatient. Rising fear grew in my chest, I didn't want or plan on staying for more than a night, yet this was now out of my control. They started the process of getting me admitted and I decided to respond to my friends, letting them know the situation and that I wouldn't be able to talk for a while. Yet again time had passed and I was saying goodbye to my mother, who I would not be able to see until I got discharged. This was because visiting hours were not allowed since the whole COVID19 situation hit.

After the whole three-hour-long process I was led into a gated hallway and let into my room. It was 10 pm so it was lights out at this point, yet my roommate, Taylor, was still awake and excited to meet me. They asked me a bunch of questions but the first one was my preferred name and pronouns, which comforted me a lot to hear someone ask me that. I didn't like going by Skylar anymore, my deadname is not who I was. "Leaf and uh They/She" I smiled and laid down on my bed, which was bolted to the ground and not against the wall, which really annoyed me. Taylor and I had been talking for such a long time that they fell asleep in the middle of our conversation, which left me alone with my thoughts.

Whatever this place was going to bring me, was going to be good, I could feel it. Sure I was extremely nervous and already missing home, but I felt protected here, I felt safe here. A slight grin grew on my face as I thought about what I had yet to experience, my life was finally going to get better. 

(Part two will come soon))