RECAP (of the entire book really because I've been gone for so long): Carla & her next door neighbour, eric, have recently become really good friends. eric's family has financial problems so he lives in his uncle's house, whose wife & child are not very fond of eric & his parents. carla's parents are not the happiest living with each other, and very frequently argue, which is a great source of distress for Carla. To top it all up, jenny has been ghosting Carla for the past few months as well. in the last chapter, eric told Carla his secret of remaining calm & happy—the Control Diagram.

*****

Carla Mason:

I pin the Control Diagram to my soft board and try not to think about Jenny. Every time my thought goes to her behavior, I glance at the Control Diagram and take a deep breath. From my window, I can see that the lights in Eric's room are closed. We rarely get to talk through our windows because Freddy is always barging into his room, or somebody is walking down on the street.

Sitting down on my bed, I pull out my English essay that I have been procrastinating on for weeks. I have only written as much as the heading when the sound of my door creaking open interrupts me. Standing at the threshold, with her hand clutching the door knob, is my sister. I can't remember the last time she came to my room.

"Who is Eric?" she asks, folding her arms across her chest.

I look down at my homework. "None of your business."

The door shuts behind her with a thud. Jenny moves to sit in front of me on my bed and it's a struggle not to push her away. When she speaks again, her voice is gentle, luring. "Don't make the same mistakes as mom, Carla. Don't make the mistake I almost made."

I keep my voice monotone. "It is not what you think it is. We are only friends."

"I am not thinking anything. I am just telling you to stay away from the things that can hurt you."

Now, I look up. "Stop mistaking Eric for yourself, Jennifer." The name Jennifer sounds so foreign on my tongue, so new. Nobody's ever called Jenny by her real name, and she almost flinches hearing me say it. "He won't abandon me. He's nothing like you."

Jenny throws her hands up in the air, letting out a long exaggerated sigh. "You just don't get it, Carla, do you?"

That does it for me. The cool composure I've been trying to maintain breaks, all my annoyance and anger pouring out of me like molten lava. "You're right, Jenny, I don't get it. I don't get why you've been ignoring me for months, pretending like I don't exist. I don't get why you've been working so many extra shifts when you can simply ask Dad for money. And I most certainly do not get what makes you think you have the right to tell me what to do after ghosting me for the past few months."  By the last line, I am practically shouting, my voice echoing in the quiet room.

Jenny massages her temple, looking at me like I only have a glass from the sea of knowledge she possess. Her voice is quiet when she speaks, as if she's too afraid to break the silence. "I did not come here to have an argument with you. I just came here to give you some sound advice. I want to help you."

"And what did you expect?" I say, getting off the bed so I am standing directly in front of her. "That I'd be sitting her waiting for you? That this one moment you can completely abandon me, and then come back the next like nothing has changed? Well, sorry to burst your bubble, Jenny, but it has. Things have changed. I don't need your help anymore, but thank you for your concern."

She backs away slightly at the sharp tone of my voice. And that's when I realise that I've never talked to Jenny like this. Sure, we've had a few arguments here and there, but I've never yelled so loudly at her. However, Jenny is quick to regain her composure, already standing up so that she's towering over me.

"Carla, the only reason you don't need my help is because you have Eric."

"And he won't ever hurt me like you have."

"Eric won't hurt you, Carla, but loving him can. You care for him, don't you? Just like Mom cared for Dad and you cared for the both of them?"

Tears sting my eyes. Jenny appears blurred and distorted. "Just like I cared for you."

She holds my gaze in silence, my tear-filled eyes meeting with her dry ones. Her voice is as faint as a whisper when she speaks, but it is loud enough for me to hear. "And look where that got you."

"What do you mean?"

"You really can't be that blind. Mom loved Dad. Look what he did to her. She continued to stay unhappily with this cheating, disloyal loser because she thought a divorce would be too much for us. She cared for us, and look where that landed her. Attachment cuts off so many of your choices. It paralyses you, it binds you, it hurts you. If I care for you or you care for me or Eric cares for you or you care for Eric—we are all going to end up like our parents. Passed out drunk in our own separate rooms. Join the dots, Carla. Loving can destroy you."

*****

This is the seventh time Eric has called for my attention since school has started. I can tell he is starting to frustrated, but I don't want to tell him about my talk with Jenny. I am scared. Of so many things. What if he agrees with Jenny? What if he thinks she is right? What if this causes our friendship to end? And the most pressing question of all: what if this friendship destroys the both of us? What if Jenny is right?

I can't stop thinking about all these things as walk together out of school. Eric is humming to himself, hands jammed in his pockets. Occasionally, he glances worriedly in my direction then turns away. He probably thinks his Control Diagram is not working its magic on me, but that is far from the truth. I don't care if Jenny decides to be mean to me because it isn't my fault. I just don't want her to be right.

"Eric, can I ask you a question?"

He looks relieved to see me talking. "Go on."

"If you think your mom deserves so much more than your dad, why doesn't she just leave him?"

"Is that what you have been thinking about all day?" Eric laughs. "You could have just asked me."

"Well, why is she staying with him? If it's causing her so much pain?"

The words roll easily off Eric's tongue, like the answer is so obvious. "Because she loves him, Carla."

I feel something inside me snap like a cord. The world around me spins. "Why do you look so surprised?" I hear Eric say. His hand is on my elbow. "Is everything alright? I think we should sit down."

I shake my head at him. I don't want to sit down. I want to run away.

My house is visible in the horizon and I almost sprint to it. Eric struggles to match my pace. "Carla, will you just tell me what's wrong?"

"I need to go home," I tell him. A few more paces.

"Why?"

"I-I left something on the stove," I stutter, but from the look on his face I know he is not buying any of it. I don't care. I just need to be away, alone, so I can collect my thoughts and gather what I want from them.

I open the door to my house. I can feel the weight of Eric's gaze behind me but I just want to get inside. Once I am in, I check all the rooms and all of them are empty. The ash in dad's ashtray stares mockingly at me. Mom's bottle of alcohol is smiling. Jenny's empty bedside table is laughing.

Back in the kitchen, I take deep breaths, pour myself a glass of water and empty it in three huge gulps. My thoughts are a tangled mess of voices, each fighting to speak louder than the other.

He might not hurt you, Carla, but loving him can.

We are all going to end up like our parents. Passed out drunk in our own separate rooms.

Because she loves him, Carla.

I almost throw up in the kitchen sink.

****

Author's note: bet you didn't expect this update. i could apologize a thousand times & it would still be insufficient, but i'll say it anyways: sorry SORRY for being such a careless author. if there was a watty for going on the most hiatuses, ya girl would most definitely win it. however, the good news is that i won't disappear on you guys again.  at least not for this story. there's about 11-12 more chapters left for this story, and i am determined to publish them all.

do comment your thoughts on this chapter. i always get a little bit nervous when i have to write dialogue, and this chapter most certainly had a lot of that. so let me know what you think! i'll see y'all next wednesday!