Song: 'Apologize' - Timbaland ft. OneRepublic

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"What do you mean?  Everything has changed."  He states a little exasperated.  "We haven't seen Dr Ross yet and heard what he has to say."

I turn away and back to washing the last of the dishes.  "I haven't even made up my mind if I am going to see him.  There's so much to process but years of hoping and forever disappointment though, I just don't know if that's what I want."

Harry rests his hand on my shoulder and turns me back around to face him.  "No, we must go and see him. You heard Dr Harrington.  We have to be hopeful but in any case, what I said last night still stands.  I want us to be together whatever the outcome."  He takes a step closer to me. 

"You are pushing me too hard, too soon on this," I respond, candidly, before looking at the floor.   

"Pushing you too hard?  Natasha were you not listening to the doctor." He pulls my chin up to meet his gaze.  "The reason you pushed me away isn't there anymore."

"You don't know that, you are making an assumption just like Dr Harrington is," I dismiss.

His face softens and he caresses my cheek with is fingers.  "Then go and see Dr Ross and find out.  You know sometimes in life we have to make decisions that hurt those we love but we believe we are doing the right thing.  I get why you pushed me away.  I think you were brave but your judgement was and still is clouded.  You are withdrawing further away from me and being alone and you don't need to be.  You don't need to push away the love of those closest to you because it is that love that will ultimately get you through these tough times and beyond.  You just need to let me in.  Please."

I stand biting my lip.  I do love him so much because he is right but after everything, I do not deserve him.  It just feels easier to keep pushing him away.  

"I need more time to think but I hope we can be friends."  I watch for his reaction.  His eyes widen, a look of shock glazes over them and his touch leaves my cheek as his arm flops to his side.    

"Friends? I cannot just be a friend to you, Natasha.  Have you not listened to anything I have said?  I love you."  A nervous smile shakes his lips. 

My expression is vacant and in that moment, he looks completely defeated.  "I cannot do this anymore.  I have given you time and now there is no reason for us not to be together," he pleads with honesty.  "I cannot live with this uncertainty.  If I leave now, that's it."

He waits anxiously for my response.  I pull my cardigan around my body and fold my arms.  I nibble at my thumbnail and stare at the floor.  All I can find to say is "I'm sorry."

Harry turns away from me and strides down the hallway.  He grabs his coat from the stair bannister and rests his hand on the front door latch.  He stills facing the door.  I sense his yearning for me to say something and I want to, I really do but I remain silent.  He turns and with his eyes down and shaking his head utters, "Goodbye Natasha."

Once the hallway is empty, it hits me that I will probably never see Harry again.  I want to cry but the tears will not fall.  I have shed so many over the past few weeks my tank is empty.  The only thing I feel is my numbness to everything.  It is how I protect myself, how I have got through it.  I hate myself for hurting him but it will be easier for him to move on with his life, which is what I want.  He once said himself, sometimes everything is right but it still is not right.  Hopefully, he will look back in years to come and realise he had a lucky escape.

I finish the last remnants of clearing up and make myself some tea.  The TV is still on in the living room and I hear the familiar music of the Graham Norton chat show.  It is on after the news at 10pm and I need a distraction from my selfishness and Graham always has such a cheery disposition. 

I settle down with my mug in hand to watch.  The music plays in full and Graham's smiling face appears on the screen.  He relays some amusing news stories from the week before he announces his guests.  My heart sinks.  All the boys are sat along the red sofa.  I snatch the remote to switch the TV off but hover my finger over the button instead.  I am going to have to get used to seeing Harry around so I might as well start now.

Graham asks the usual interview questions about the album, whether they are looking forward to the tour, and congratulates them on the awards they have won recently.  However, as I look at the man that has just walked out of my front door, it dawns on me that he is hardly participating at all.  He is totally disinterested which is so unlike him. In interviews, he is usually so animated.

I realise this show is recorded at the beginning of the week it is broadcast.  This interview must have been recorded the morning I text him about meeting up.  Has he been like this for the last few weeks?  I hardly recognise him.  My protective walls slip a little.

"Now, talking about the album, here it is.  Four is out now!"  Graham holds it up and the audience scream making four of the five boys smile at least.  "I liked it very much and if I may say, a more mature sound."   

"Thank you!  We're really proud of it.  We had much more input this time in the writing, recording and production processes compared to our first two albums," Louis answers.

"So you all contribute but who did the majority of writing on this one?" Graham asks. 

Liam offers, "I mean on Four, I would probably say Louis and I wrote the most but we all write all of the time, either in groups or individually.  We end up with so many tracks, it makes the task of choosing which make it on the album and which to leave off very difficult."

"Well talking of constantly writing, there was a song leak online just this week.  Do you know about that?"  Graham suggests. 

The boys all look at each other pretending not to have a clue what Graham is talking about when quite clearly they are fully aware.

"I think it might be one written by you Harry, certainly the snippet online sounds like you singing?  Are we allowed to talk about it?"  Graham looks around sheepishly.  Management would say no but Graham being Graham he is running with it anyway.  "It is a beautifully haunting love song, the lyrics are more like a heartfelt poem."

"I think I know to what you are referring, so thank you," Harry acknowledges with a swift nod. 

"It's a shame that it's not on the album."  Graham acknowledges. 

"No, I only wrote it very recently," Harry confirms. 

"But you are all still so young.  Where does your inspiration come from?" 

"Personal experiences I guess."  Niall admits.

Harry shrugs. "I read a lot of novels, poetry, stuff like that.  This particular song was inspired by a passage in 1 Corinthians."

"Harry, I never took you for a bible reader.  Mothers up and down the country are swooning as we speak," Graham titters.  "I think I know the quote you mean, something about no limits, Love has no....."

"Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything.  Love is the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen."  Harry recites, perfectly. 

"Wow, that's deep!"  Graham smiles in his sarcastic but loveable way as the audience ooh and aah. 

Harry looks a little coy and embarrassed.  "The words were on a bookmark given to me.  I cherish it very much."

"Is that bookmark between the pages of your bible bedtime reading?"  All the boys laugh at Graham's joke and even Harry manages a smile.

Graham claps his hands together, "Now moving along from the Bible, we must talk about the AMAs and in particular, Zayn, something that sent Twittershere into meltdown.  Your hair strand ......."

I sit in shock for a moment then take the program back to hear Harry's words again.  The 'Love Knows No Limit' quote is from my bookmark I placed between his clothes the day he flew to Austria.  That was the day I lost our baby; the life we created together from our love.  I told him that love was not enough to see us through this and be together and he has always argued that it is. 

I open my laptop and search 'Harry Styles song leak' on Google.  All audio is blocked but the lyrics are displayed on Tumblr.  I read his gut-wrenching poetic lines, tracing my fingers over the words on the screen.  His words of truth, of hurt, of love, all for me.  My walls completely crumble and my body begins to shake.

I have been so wrapped up in this happening to me, I have not given any thought to how much he has truly been hurting.  I blocked it out to make myself feel better.  He laid bare his heart and soul to me at The Flask last night and earlier and all I have done is reject him at every turn.  I was not listening; I was hearing what I wanted to hear.  It was only my own voice; I did not give his voice a chance.

Finally my floodgates open and agony spills down my cheeks.  The only question that is on repeat in my head is, 'what the hell have you done by letting him go?'