Song: 'Believe' - Mumford & Sons

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My desk phone rings. Reception. It must be Alice.

She is chomping at the bit to hear all about my meeting Harry at The Flask last night. Fortunately, I had to work through lunch today because I am leaving early for my hospital appointment. It is not that I do not want to tell her, after all if it was not for her honesty I would never have contacted Harry, but my head is still full of confusion. I am not ready to share all my thoughts just yet.

"Hello, this is Marketing, Tasha speaking."

"I think your knight just pulled up outside in his chariot," Alice gushes, over-excitedly.

"Really? I swing around on my chair to look out the office window and down onto the road below. Sure enough a silver Mercedes is parked on the opposite side of the street.

"He's early," I state.

"He's keen," she counters.

"Alice, it isn't like that, he's just....."

"I know! He's just accompanying you to the hospital," she mimics my voice and I can picture her eyes rolling as her tone clearly suggests she believes it is something more. "Now, good luck at your appointment and if you need to talk afterwards, you know where I am."

"Thanks, Alice."

Quickly gathering my bag, coat and thoughts, I head towards the lift. I smile Alice's way as I pass through the busy reception.  When I reach the revolving door, I take in a deep breath.  No sooner am I out the other side, Harry is out of his car and around opening the passenger door. His smile is wide as he greets me and I cannot help but return his sentiment.

The drive to the hospital is taken in relative silence. The radio is on low and our small talk fills the vacuum. Once parked, ever the gentlemen comes around to my side and opens the door for me. I point in the direction we need to go and we set off through the car park towards the 'Out Patients Entrance'.

After we enter through the double doors, unease strikes my chest. The familiar scent of the hospital pushes against my nostrils and serves to remind me of my stay here those few short weeks ago.

I slow my pace and immediately Harry's hand wraps around mine.  As we walk he squeezes my hand once. Memories of the first time we used 'our sign' at the band's movie premiere flood my mind; the one that we always use in public to communicate how we feel when we cannot use words. One squeeze for okay, two for not okay. I return his gesture with one squeeze.

We carry on hand-in hand for what seems like miles before finally arriving at the correct department. I check-in with the secretary at the desk and she informs us that Dr Harrington will see us shortly.

"Are you okay?" Harry motions to some seats.

"Yes, thank you for coming, for being here. I appreciate it."  He is wearing my favourite royal blue jumper and the grey scarf with the skulls on I bought for him.  His hair is scraped up in a bun and I find it hard to tear my gaze from him.  He looks gorgeous.

As we wait, he attempts to open up our conversation more but Dr Harrington appears and strides over to us with his hand outstretched.

"Tasha, it's nice to see you again and Mr Styles too, hello." He offers handshakes then ushers us into his office. "Thank you for coming to see me today," he acknowledges, whilst reaching for what I assume is my file.

"I was surprised to get the call from your secretary asking me to come in. I had my final follow-up appointment with my GP last week and she indicated everything was fine?" I question.

"Well yes, first things first, how are you feeling?"

I smile half-heartedly, "Umm, okay I guess. I am not in any pain and I've finished all my medication."

He taps away on his laptop. "I'm just checking your GP's notes. No issues, that's good, all healed well," he speaks under his breath then looks up at me. "Have you gotten a period yet?"

"No, nothing yet."

"Give it time. Everything should return to normal soon. If not, or you are worried, be sure to go back and see your GP," he confirms, resuming his perusal of my file.

"Thank you, I shall."

He puts my file down on the desk then takes off his specs, placing them on top. He clasps his hands together before looking directly at me. "Now, I've looked at all your notes and scans and there's something I wish to discuss with you." He has suddenly gone into official mode and it unnerves me.

"Oh," I reply, apprehensively. I glance over at Harry who is sitting quietly and taking it all in.

"Here at The Royal Free we have a consultant called Dr Ross. He is highly regarded amongst his peers and he's carried out various studies and written papers for the British Medical Journal. He specialises in fertility and its associated issues."

I can feel a frown pulling across my forehand as Dr Harrington continues.

"Tasha, I took the liberty of speaking with Dr Ross about your case, confidentially of course. He would be very interested to meet you. Initially just for a chat but mainly with the view that if and when you decide that you would like to try and conceive again, he may assist you."

I feel the frown pull fully over my forehead. "Conceive again?" I shake my head. "There must be some mistake.  I am unable to conceive again."

"Whatever or whoever gave you that idea?" he asks, perplexed.

I pout out my lips in thought. "It was the right tube I had removed wasn't it?"

"Yes, yes it was but your left tube is still in place," he confirms.

"Dr Harrington, I had an appendicitis when I was in my early teens. My parents were told that because of the scarring caused to my left tube it was unlikely that I could ever conceive from that tube."

Not taking his stare from mine he sits back in his chair. "Tasha, medical development does not stand still." He gestures with his hands. "Research is happening constantly all over the world and a better understanding of diseases and conditions and how they can best and effectively be treated is an ever evolving force."

"I'm sorry but I don't understand." 

He sits forwards. "Let me explain. For sperm to reach the egg to fertilize it there must be a clear path along the Fallopian tubes. Now, if the tubes become blocked or damaged by say pelvic issues or scar tissue as a result of surgery to nearby organs, this was thought to be a possible cause of infertility. Indeed, this would have been the case when you had your appendicitis which could explain why your parents were given that information." I nod in agreement. "However, in depth research and studies over the last few years have since shown this may not be true. Even if the tubes get dented or blocked by scar tissue, simple laparoscopic surgery can be carried out in an attempt to restore them."

I sit stunned.  I am almost unable to comprehend what he is saying.

"Sorry, umm, I am confused. Are you saying Natasha can have children?" I had forgotten Harry was even beside me in the room. I turn to look at him, his face as puzzled as mine.

"Fertility is never guaranteed for any woman of child-bearing age, whether she has pre-existing medical conditions or not but there are options available to Tasha if she wishes to try in the future. This is why Dr Ross is keen to meet." Dr Harrington turns his attention from Harry back to me. "Of course, I respect your decision if you decide against it, but an initial chat does not place you under any obligation."

"Right okay, so if by some chance she did get pregnant would the pregnancy be normal.  There would be no risk to her health in doing so?" Harry asks.

"Well yes, if Tasha was to fall pregnant there is no reason why it shouldn't be a normal pregnancy like any other. The difficulty is in the conceiving not the actual pregnancy itself."

I puff out the longest breath at this surreal situation. The room is suddenly stifling. My insides are turning this way and that and I feel nauseas. "Please would it be possible for me to have a drink of water?"

"Yes of course."  Dr Harrington kindly fetches me the drink from the dispenser as Harry reaches across my lap and places his hand over mine, squeezing my fingers beneath his.  

"Tasha, I sense you have been carrying this around since you were admitted and this news has come as a bit of a shock to you. You discharged yourself early after surgery and we never really had the opportunity to discuss your options which is why, after looking through your notes and consulting with Dr Ross, I asked my secretary to call you in for this meeting."

"I just assumed, that's all. It's still not guaranteed though is it." I gabble, nervous and still in denial.

"Dr Ross is the best there is. Apart from possible laparoscopic surgery, he may also recommend freezing of some of your eggs if you wish. At this stage, I appreciate this is a lot to take in."

"Thank you, yes, I'm not sure right now. Can I think about it?"

"Absolutely, you do not have to make any decisions right away. Take your time. If you have any questions, call my secretary.  If you decide to go ahead with the appointment with Dr Ross which I really hope you do, she can assist you with that."

I know in my heart this is positive news but why then in my mind can I not wait to get out of his office? I thank Dr Ross and then promptly leave. 

Walking back to the car, Harry has a renewed bounce in his step but I only hear the dull sounds clicking along the floor.  Harry plays the radio a little louder on the return journey and taps the steering wheel with his fingers.  My mind continues to whirr round and round.  We pull up outside my house and both sit silently staring out of the windscreen.

"You must be hungry, I know I am."  He breaks our quiet.  "Do you fancy a Chinese takeaway? 

"It's Friday evening, do you not have plans?"

"No, no plans." He answers, decisively.  "I could pick it up from our usual place."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea, it's been a long day, I'm-"

"Natasha, it's a takeway, that's all."

I smile weakly. "Okay then, sounds good, thank you."

"Great, shall I get your usual order? He asks and I nod in agreement to his question. "See you in a bit then."

His car disappears down the street and I venture inside.  My thoughts are such messy tangled wool that I cannot even get the key in the lock on the first few attempts. I sit in the empty kitchen to think. It all seems simple enough but none of it seems to add up in my head.  I keep adding two and two and making five.

Harry returns with a brown bag full of food that wafts divine smells throughout the house. He takes control, removing the lids from all the cartons and grabbing us two plates and cutlery. We pile our plates high then retreat to the sofa. His actions feel like those of a couple comfortable in each other's company but the unspoken topic of the day rests heavy in the air. I switch on the TV to fill the awkwardness.

"Thanks for the food, Harry. It is delicious."

"That place has always been a favourite of ours hasn't it?" He gets up to start clearing away.

"Yes it has.  Leave the clearing up, I'll do it later. I'm feeling a bit tired if I'm honest."

"Have a sleep but do you mind if I stay around?"

"I'm not sure that's such a good-"

"I just want to make sure you are okay. You've had big news and you've been so quiet."

"It's just so much to take in, I...."

"Just sleep if you need, I'll be here when you wake."

I am too weary to argue with him and fall into the deepest slumber I have enjoyed in a while.

When I wake, I feel a little disorientated then remember that being a Friday my housemates always go out. I open my eyes and all I see before me are two long legs clad in black jeans and a pair of black socked feet resting on the coffee table. Harry is sat at the end of the sofa with me sprawled across it, my head on a cushion positioned in his lap.

Immediately, I push up to sitting. "Sorry, thanks for letting me sleep,"  I croak whilst enjoying a stretch.

"To be honest, I nodded off as well" Harry replies with a relaxed smile.

I gather our plates and walk towards the kitchen. Harry follows behind me with our glasses in his hands. We start to clear away the cartons and wash the dishes, working in unison around the small space.

"Thanks for coming with me today, I really appreciate it, Harry."

He stands close, leaning back on the kitchen worktop.  A tea towel is poised in his hand, ready for the next dish. "I'm so pleased that you let me to go with you, it means a lot," relief is present in his voice.

"Umm, I'm still feeling quite tired what with everything that's happened, so do you mind if we call it a night?" I look up at the clock, it's only 9.30pm.

"Oh, sure." Surprise laces through Harry's voice. "Will I see you tomorrow?  We could grab some lunch down by the river at Richmond," he asks, hopeful.

I stare directly at him and see anticipation in his eyes. This is going to be so hard but I have to say it for his sake and mine.

"Harry, nothing has changed. I still feel the same way about us not being together."