Song: 'Infinity' – One Direction

Friday, 3rd October 2014
Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Florida, USA

My Darling Natasha,

Your trip to the States turned out to be a tale of two halves.

The first couple of weeks we spent fun days and unbelievable nights together, alone at first but later surrounded by our wonderful family.

I had been planning your birthday surprise for a couple of months.  Of course, the one advantage of having money is that I could treat you to experiences like staying at the quaint Mediterranean Villa, wine sampling in a trendy tasting shed, leasing vines covered in Viognier grapes to produce an exclusive wine supply, a balloon ride and a vintage garden Italian birthday dinner prepared by a top chef. 

However, something like that is all totally meaningless unless it is shared with those you love.  It is people who bring beautiful surroundings to life and who create everlasting memories. Those romantic moments with tender touches enjoyed alone or good times with the sound of family laughter over conversations and humorous comments remembered.

For me, the glow of happiness across your face during those two days we celebrated at the Lompoc Vineyard was a priceless memory.  You shone in the peaceful, fuss free, environment and I burst with pride that you were mine.  I often look at the hundreds of pictures I snapped of you, some taken when you were completely unawares.  So natural, elegant and effortlessly gorgeous.   

The lazy days came to an end all too quickly, replaced with the recommencement and final leg of the 'Where We Are' tour.  You were a fiercely independent woman but when your Dad flew back to Spain and then a few days later my Mum, Robin and Gemma left for the UK, I sensed your apprehension but you needn't have worried.  For three weeks you would be with me and I was so excited about that; so ready to share that part of my life with you. 

You immediately fitted into the '1D family'.  This was the longest you had spent time with the group. The other boys adored you from the get go as did their then girlfriends, the band, and particularly Lou and Lux.

Most of the time at the venues I had no idea where you were until suddenly you would pop up across the room or down the corridor talking to one of the crew.  When I spotted you, my stare would be fixated upon you until you would catch my glance.  You would lift your hand to acknowledge me and beam that exclusive smile of yours that was only for me before turning your attention back to who it was you were talking too. 

My camera was always in your hand and you snapped many photographic memories.  Everyone warmed to you and people who I didn't even really know particularly well would compliment you to me. Incredible.  You really just got on with it and that was so important being so busy and not being able to give you as much time as I would have liked. You understood it and therefore I didn't feel suffocated but envigoured by your presence.

You mentioned that during sound check you would sit in random seats at each venue and I played a game with myself to see if I could spot you.  Sometimes I would find you but other times, despite trying really hard, I failed.  It was like a game of Where's Wally! 

During concerts, there was no way I could see you in the darkness of the crowd.  I always knew roughly where you were sitting though and would scan over to the area.  I could sense you there, I always could, and that was good enough for me.

I know you found settling into travelling a tough nut to crack.  It affected us all at different times.  The hectic schedules were part and parcel of the job.  When I peruse back over my journals for that period, the amount we worked can only be described as insane.  At that time, the 'Where We Are' tour became one of the highest-grossing tours of all time but we barely had time to celebrate that fact because immediately following the end of it, the final work and promo on the Four album began. 

Thinking back to then, it all comes flooding back so clearly like I am there again.  Names, dates, times, schedules.  The name 'Four' was announced just before the recommencement of the tour along with a free download of 'Fireproof' as a thank you for the loyalty of the fans.  The album was scheduled for release in mid-November.  Liam teased a single release on Twitter and the lead single 'Steal My Girl' was available worldwide at the end of September.  The video for the song was to be filmed at the end of the tour in LA with Danny DeVito no less.  The second single, Night Changes, would be filmed back in London.

Also, a number of downloads were made available prior to launch to anyone who pre-ordered.  Five singles on five different days were released - Ready to Run, Where Do Broken Hearts Go, 18, Girl Almighty and Fool's Gold.  The promo and interview schedules were intense across Europe before we were due to travel to the States again and in particular Florida that November.  

As well as everything that goes with a new album launch, the Where We Are Concert film was going to be released in cinemas worldwide in mid-October followed by the DVD in time for Christmas.  Filmed at the end of June at the San Siro in Milan, the concert scenes were incredible and perfectly summed up our popularity then.

If all that wasn't enough, on 23 October on the Australian breakfast show Today we intended to announce our 'On The Road Again' tour starting in Sydney, Australia on 7 February 2015 and finishing in Sheffield, UK on 31 October 2015.  Being a world tour visiting new places and playing new stadiums, I was so excited.  It would be our biggest ever.  I knew you would fit in as easily on that tour as you had on this one because everyone adored having you around as much as I did.

Things were going swimmingly well until we returned one night from a concert and a fracas at the hotel entrance saw fans swarming our group and knocking you to the ground.  You were furious with me and rightly so, I had been advised about possible situations like this happening and hadn't heeded that warning that we should travel separately.  In my frustration at myself, I took it out on the security team and when you sided with them, I then took it out on you. 

You were hurt; to an outsider that hurt was purely superficial wounds but to me I knew they ran deeper than that.  Something about the crowd, the noise, the fall triggered something inside of you and you began to call out in your sleep, become agitated and withdrawn.  My own stupid selfish pride clouded my judgement for a few days until you said you wanted to leave.  I panicked for a second until you explained you had been offered an interview back in London.  When facing the possibility of being separated from you, it brought me to my senses and us back together.  I was scared to let you go but when you left you seemed to be in a much happier place.  

Everyone deals with anger and frustration differently.  I throw things, like the mug I threw against the wall that night when I gave security a dressing down.  It is not something I am proud of and it takes a huge amount to push me to that point so it rarely happens and never with you. I never threw things over disagreements or arguments with you.  You would always say 'there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, it is how you accept the imperfections that make it perfect.'  Our resolve as a couple was admirable.  It had been tested already over the Brazen incident and now this and it would be tested again in the coming months.   We were in this together and we always found our way back to one another, every time.      

So I finished the tour without you.  It was only a week but it felt longer.  Of course we spoke every day, I made sure of it.  You were preparing for your interview and after being such an inconsiderate asshole about you leaving, I wanted to show you how much I was behind you in securing the legal admin position you so desperately wanted. 

I suggested we do some interview questioning role-play and you jokingly bulked at my credentials for such a task.  I made you laugh with my serious response that I was in fact an expert having been interviewed for my Saturday job at the bakery and the answering of the questions on the lengthy X-Factor application form!

We started with the usual question 'tell me your strengths?'  You stalled then answered 'I'm a nice person.'  I was shocked that's all you could come up with.  Your challenge of 'go on then Mr Interview Expert let's see if you can do better' resulted in me reeling off adjective after adjective of perfect describing words about you personally and professionally that left me smugly smiling and you open mouthed.

My next question, 'tell me a joke' had you baffled.  I explained that I had read interviewers use it to see if prospective candidates can think on their feet.  You rose to the challenge with;

'Knock Knock'
'Who's there?'
'Lil Old Lady!'
'Lil Old Lady who?'
'I didn't know you could yodel.'

Now you looked smugly amused and I laughed so hard at that and banked it for later usage.

One morning, I was in the makeshift studio in one of the hotel rooms waiting for Julian, John and Helen to arrive.  I was unhappy with one set of vocals I had already set down and asked to re-record them.  There were only a few days left of the tour and to be honest, I just wanted it to be over, get the video shoot for Steal My Girl done and get back to London to be with you.

Melancholy, I sat on the bed and doodled on the hotel pad.  Sets of words and strings of sentences were so prevalent rolling around my head that I had to write them down.  I just scribbled randomly with messy writing across the blank page.

You're falling, I know it hurts
Too fast to catch your breath
I'm stuck but everything keeps going round
I lie awake counting stars
Trying to fix my heart
I am here for you
I just want the truth
I hope you are ok
'Cos eyes are unable to shine
Unless there is light behind.
You went away from me
Why does it feel like I'm running out of time?

The team interrupted my thoughts and we set to work.  After a few attempts, I completed the rework to the vocals of the song.  Helen asked if I was ok as I seemed out of it a bit.  My fingers had been continually tracing the pendent on the bracelet that I had not taken off since you gave it to me. She commented positively on the piece of jewellery and I explained it was a gift from you and the meaning behind it.

When it was time to leave, I thanked the three of them and turned to go.  Julian indicated I had forgotten something and grabbed the pad from beside the bed, holding it for me to take.  I brushed my hand away through the air and said no, it was rubbish and to bin it. 

Little did I know that he would keep that slip of paper of my scrawled thoughts and along with John and Jamie would create a song.  A song that would become one of my favourites on our next album, MITAM, that would be released over a year later.   A song written for the both us. 

Infinity.

My love is always yours, H.x

PS: It is said don't choose the one who is beautiful to the world but rather choose the one who makes your world beautiful. You were unquestionably and irrevocably both.