Song: 'I'm A Mess' - Ed Sheeran 

Song: 'She's Always A Woman' - Billy Joel

Thursday, 9th October 2014
Eskdale House, The Heath, London, NW3, England.

My Darling Natasha,

The week I came home from the Where We Are Tour and in particular this night, can only be likened to the two symbolic masks of drama.  Whilst neither a comedy nor a tragedy occurred, it was a combination of weeping and smiling faces.  

My return from tour brought me the most fantastic welcome home from you.  I had missed you so much and was overwhelmed at the way you flew into my arms.  It reassured me that you had missed me too. Holding you and making love to you was almost perfect.  Only a flicker of the stress from before you left the tour to return home held me back when we came together.   

You secured the position you wanted at Lee, Merritt & Thompson LLP, the media and entertainment law firm.  It was fantastic for you, your career aspirations and your confidence and for me too because I knew it was what you wanted. All I ever wanted you to be was happy.  

In celebration, you had booked for us to go away the following weekend and I loved that it would be to a place from your childhood.  I made a decision that if you did not bring up your past, I was going to broach the subject.  There was nothing you could tell me that would make me look at you differently or feel differently about you.  However tough it may be, it was time; time to get it all out in the open between us and to move our relationship forward. 

We celebrated your new job at an Indian restaurant in Camden and spent an intimate evening together.  We bumped into my good friend Nick Grimshaw.  I had met Nick two years before when the band were interviewed on his breakfast show at Radio 1.  He offered for us to join him and his friends back at his flat.  Nights at Grimmy's were always fun because he surrounded himself with a good crowd so I was ecstatic when you agreed to go. 

We played the typical drinking and eating games but after one of those games something triggered inside of you because your demeanour changed.  When I asked you about it, your silence to me spoke louder than your words.  Yet again the air between us became fogged under the untold.

I had had a few drinks and my thoughts waned towards the negative.  The devil inside nagged at me that I could not show you to any greater depth how much I loved you or how much I wanted and needed you in my life.  You were my absolute life. It had gotten to the point where I felt utterly useless and that if you could not be honest with me, I could not help you.  In frustration, I cut our night short over your continued clamming up. 

That night I slept poorly and despite studio rehearsals not starting until the afternoon, I rose early to leave before you woke. Alone, I wandered aimlessly around Hampstead Heath with my jumbled thoughts that failed to untangle, even by the time I reached Hampstead Village for breakfast.  I jumped on the tube to the studio and arrived earlier than required.  With the album coming out, the band needed to rehearse a few tracks for some early promo.

The rehearsals were a disaster.  It was too soon to be back together.  We had not had enough downtime since the tour. Niall had literally flown in the day before and looked shattered and Zayn was still carrying annoyance over the choice of album tracks.

I always shouldered the weight of the band's worries and on this occasion, I remember feeling as though my head was in a vice and being squeezed completely to dehydration.  A car drove me home and during the journey, a couple of the team from Brazen phoned for a conference call.  I explained I was too tired to talk but they insisted.  All they ended up in achieving was winding me up and that, along with the nightmare rush hour traffic, the fact I had not made time to speak to you at all that day, I had forgotten to tell you I was going out and it was not in my diary, wound me up to epic proportions.

After I was dropped off, the Brazen call carried on with them firing instructions about upcoming events.  My study took the initial brunt of my exasperation then you took the rest of my outrage.  I felt hemmed in and in the desperate need to get out again, I could not find my keys.

I disrespectfully and despicably shouted at you.  I was so consumed with my own anger that I was blinded at your attempts to calm me and the effect my frustration was having on you, until you whispered those fateful words.

'Please don't hit me.'

Time screeched to an almighty halt as those words flew at me in slow motion but hit me in the chest like knives piercing my skin.  The sheer weight of them inflicted deep wounds of regret.  You literally cowered in a ball, violently shook and scared that I was going to strike you. You flinched when I touched you.  I could not get through to you because I had pushed you too far and triggered another awful memory. 

You ran away from me to hide and left me on my knees in disbelief at myself.  I literally had to slap my own face to wake myself up.  Initially, I panicked inside; should I follow you or leave you?  I had no idea what to do. I wanted to run after you but you were scared of me.  I did not want to scare you anymore.  

'I don't want you near me, please leave me alone.'  The pleading of your tiny voice was on repeat in my head as I climbed the stairs and approached the door. All I could hear from the other side was your agony and tears.  I sat with my back resting up against that door for hours.  I cried for you and with you and I cried for us.

Finally, silence ensued for a period of time and I quietly opened the door.  The light on the landing streaked a glow across the floor that ended at your tightly hunched over body.  My heart shattered into a million pieces at the sight of your vulnerability.  I eased you into my arms and into the bed.  You were even troubled in sleep, tossing and turning under the covers and shouting 'no' out loud. 

It was reminiscent of six months ago and the first time you stayed with me here at Eskdale.  The first time you spoke about your difficult relationship of the past where someone had hurt you.  I was a mess of emotions with you that night but I remember that the most prevalent of those emotions for you was love and that had not changed. I felt the same this night.     

I watched over you all night, rehearsing over and over what I was going to say to you.  I would beg for your forgiveness if I had to.  You stirred and I immediately bared my soul in apologies.  You tried to explain you had been preoccupied in recent weeks.  I put it down to the fall in the States where you were kicked, the mallows game at Grimmy's where you admitted he had 'forced' you and at my anger last night all culminating together to trigger your past memories. 

There was no way I was going to allow you to shoulder any blame.  I spent the day showing you my love for you.  By the end of the day, we were back in each other's arms where everything felt safe and content once more.

We went away to the coast for our weekend and stayed at the beautiful Chewton Glenn Hotel.  The setting was truly incredible, just as you had described. The Treehouse Hideaway was the time, the space, the air and the 'us' that we needed.

We ventured to the sea for the day and at Avon Beach you shared your past with me, all of the pain of it with no holds barred. At that time only you, me, my Mum and your Dad knew the full extent of your relationship with him.  I will not document the details here because I will not give space in this letter to his shameful brutality.  I only wish to concentrate on you.  You said you did not want me to see you differently but that was impossible.  Your strength and your courage made you a true inspiration to me.

When we returned to London, the weight of the recent stress between us had dispersed. We were stronger not only individually but also together. 

I vowed to myself that from that moment no-one would ever hurt you again. Ever.

My love is always yours, H.x

PS:  The Rainbow Umbrella is our charity of which we are both Patrons.  First and foremost it supports, assists and works with anyone affected by domestic violence but also campaigns to raise awareness, lobby the Government for policy and legislation change and researches and produces publications on prevention, education and assistance. Most important however are the letters. I have, and continue to, read every single one received from not only women but also children and men who have been affected by domestic violence and abuse.

I often pop into one of the three 'Natasha's Snugs' based around London or if I am in a city around the UK where one of the others is located I do my best to visit. I sit over mugs of tea and slices of cake and chat to anyone that might happen to come in, anyone who needs a friend to listen to them or a shoulder to cry on or to give advice as best I can. It is one of the proudest achievements of my life.