#1-SHADOW OF DREAM

If there's anything I am good at, it's writing, specifically known as 'communicating via words'. After giving much thought to this interest of mine, I have decided to become a journalist. Yes! I want to be a Journalist one day and finally I'll be able to transform my love for writing and communication to make a career out of telling everyman's life stories, here in my own country or anywhere else in the globe except Guatemala because ... well, let's say that's the last place on earth any journalist wants to go. NOT GUATEMALA! It's a Journalist's nightmare...

Why do I want to be a Journalist, you ask?

Most important characteristic of a Journalist is "to be curious" and I am very curious. I believe there is a reason for everything, nothing happens without a cause and I love to find the root cause behind everything.

Being a journalist fulfills my lifelong needs...

The need to affect the public good...
The need to disseminate information...
The need to shape the public perception and if possible,
The need to make a change in someone's life...

Yes, that's exactly what I want to do...
Nothing more...
Nothing less...

Therefore, in order to achieve my vision, I should excel in school and if possible try my best to secure a scholarship to fund my education and that's what I have been doing for the past 17 years of school.

Slogged!
Day and night I slogged!
Study hard, study smart, name it I have done it because I love it and nothing will stop me from climbing my way up to reach my ambition to become a Journalist. Surprisingly, studying wasn't very hard for me, though the competition was tough but I excelled and scored pretty well making my parents proud.

Having said all these about me, there's something else too that's hidden from the naked eyes. I have a world within me that's full of dreams and fantasies that I don't share with anyone, well I used to but not anymore. Sometimes I wonder if those who claim to know me, really knows me.

#2-SHADOW OF PASSION

Yes, my dearest Competitively-Challenging-Yet-Beautiful-World, apart from the love of writing away stories with my dainty fingers, I have a passion in Art, more precisely Performing Arts.

My feet have a way to write too...on the floor
My feet have a way to tell stories too...through dance

There you go, caught me red handed or shall I say red legged?

True, you are right.

I am a dancer and I am good at it. No! Scratch that. I am GREAT at it.

I want to be a Journalist as much as I want to dance... but just like every other small town middle class parents, mine told me that dancing won't bring food to my table, proper education will. So the 'dance' had to dance its way to a dark secret place called, deep in my heart and lock itself there.

I hope my parents; especially my Amma understands that my passion for dance isn't to bring food on table, its food for soul. However, just like every other obedient girl, I listened to my parents and studied hard to excel in the other thing I'm good at but wished I could excel in something I love.

Journalism is something I want to do for the world at large, bring them the news, show them the reality, and be a whistle blower. Dancing however, on the other hand is something I want to do for myself, it helps me to recover the energy in me, it rejuvenate my inner aura and it's like food for soul.

Baffled!
Yes I am baffled!
They get to do what they want but I am not cut for it?
Why?

Such questions will remain unanswered and shelved in the 'impossible dreams closet' deep inside my mother's angry eyes.

#3-SHADOW OF INSPIRATION

She was a dancer for God's sake and an acclaimed one back in the days, not to forget.

Who am I talking about?

My mother!
My Amma!
Yes!
My mother was a trained dancer!

Where on earth she thought I got the interest and talent to begin with?

As my guru aren't she supposed to support my interest in performing arts.

It's not like I told her I am going to quit school, I won't definitely. Education for a girl is important, and I of all people should know that but I love dancing too. All I want to do is to be allowed to attend dance classes and perform without worrying about the scolding and deadly stares from her later on if I got caught dancing, that's all.

I want to be a journalist and I strive away towards my goal every single second in my life but dancing is who I am.

I dance when I am happy...
I dance when I am sad...
I dance when I am angry...
I dance when life gets hard...
I dance from the moment I know how to walk...

Dancing helps to balance my life...
Dancing is my muse to reach out for my dreams...

Is it a crime if I want the best of both worlds?

What's wrong in wanting to indulge and enjoy the advantages of two very different things at the same time, especially when I excel in both?

These two attributes are inter-related; writing is like a dance choreographed in my head which the steps will be performed through my dainty fingers into revelations of words. The articles I write will be a top notch performance where everyone one will be awed reading the wisdom behind it.

See my point?

Well of course! Not denying it, I am definitely getting a scroll in my hand. Journalism is my dream; I fought day and night, 5 days 4 nights to be exact to get that little nod of approval from both my parents to pursue in Journalism.

I cannot quit after 5 days, that's not perseverance so it continued for another 5 days, to make them agree to pursue Journalism in a college that's 3 hours' drive away from home. That meant I had to stay away from home in an unknown town all alone. Which I am willing to do for the sake of my passion and also because of the scholarship offered. I couldn't let go of a full scholarship just because I had to stay out of town for three years. So, I fought 10 days and finally convinced my parents to agree on it.

Why so much trouble?

First of all it's a full scholarship on Journalism! Just like how I hoped for! Secondly, that particular college is also well known for its performing arts courses, which my Amma has no idea about it, yet. Oh, who am I kidding? I hope she never finds out about this piece of information. She doesn't have to know the elective courses I'll definitely enrol, all she need to know I am majoring in Journalism, that's all.

It's a dream come true and once in a lifetime opportunity when I received the admission letter together with a scholarship.

I worked hard for this and it was in my hands to decide whether to make my dream into reality in three years or shatter it because its 3 hours away from home? I get to study to be a Journalist and at the same time I will have to opportunity to nurture my passion in dance. Both my dream and passion will be fulfilled together in one place. So, I fought and fought for approximately 10 days continuously until I won. If you want, you must work for it. Work it tooth and nail and that's what I did. I managed to enrol in a college 3 hours' drive away, with a full scholarship and also offers dance course.

Believe it or not, 10 years ago, my mother was like me too but everything changed in one night. One accident changed her perspective on everything. One catastrophic injury changed the sweet loving mother into this strict scary woman. No offence, don't take me wrong, she loves me a lot. I know and because of such love, she wants the best for me.

That injury caused her something more than life to her, her passion for dancing. The worst impact an injury can have is stripping someone of their mobility. She lost the ability to walk without a limp forever reminding her about her lost dream. She shall never hear the sweet chimes of the bells every time her feet touch the ground blending with the rhythm and beats of the classical notes.

She now will only hear the click-clack of the walker which now aids her to move around the house. Imagine that to a woman who dedicated her entire life to only one thing in her life, dance. That's the only thing she knows, dance. She was the teacher for many children in our small town. At one point of time, she became famous for changing lives and making dreams come true to many youngsters, including me but after one accident, many surgeries and a fortune spent for treatments in hospital, she became bitter.

That incident made her realize, education is the key for everything because once she lost the ability to dance, her credibility as a dancer was tested and challenged. She couldn't teach anymore and that's when I hit her in the face, without an education, talent is nothing because once she lost the ability to exercise her talent, is not cherished anymore, not wanted anymore and in short it failed to provide for her family.

Dear Competitively-Challenging-Yet-Beautiful-World, as I mentioned before, we are just a normal middle class family that struggles to make ends meet each month. Appa has been in venturing into different business every now and then, sometimes it prospers, most of the time, not so but with Amma's Dance classes things weren't really bad in the household.

We managed quite well and after that accident, the lost were irreplaceable, from monetary to emotional, everything was just going downhill ever since and we couldn't catch a break. She lost practically everything that mattered to her except her family, especially me. I was the apple of her eye and just want the best for me.

Since then Amma just turned over a new leaf, not in a good term for me because she completely stopped me from dancing. I was no longer trained to dance anymore, now my training consist of only books and I didn't mind one bit because I really am a nerd and love to study but the dancer in me was dying every second she couldn't move her feet to music.

I had to lie to dance in school programmes, I had to lie to attend dance competition and I lied to teach dancing to small children on weekend under pretense of going to extra classes in school or group studies to reduce financial burden in the family.

Yes, I lied to do what I love, if I didn't I would've died murdered mercilessly by sadness or maybe by my Amma, she can be murderous too just like how Journalist are murdered in Guatemala by the guerrillas.

It was a white lie, another form of how I fight to get what I want and again I won because until this day Amma has no clue about my lies during school days. I wouldn't say "I had no choice" , I know I had a choice and I chose to lie because if I were to tell the truth, there is no way my Amma going to let me do what I did. There wouldn't be any dance programmes, competitions or dance classes in my life back then and I cannot imagine living that life, I might as well just let the Guatemalan guerrillas to kill me.

That's how bad my life would have been without dance in it and I know it's not right to lie but as long as I didn't do anything wrong by lying, I think is right. Am I making sense? I may not but I know I am not wrong and that's all that mattered to me.

So, now you understand why I really want to secure a full scholarship?

Why I want to go to that particular college?

Why my Amma is adamant on me getting a proper education first and thinks dance is just waste of time?

Why I had to constantly fight my way for everything I ever wanted in life?

Looking back at it, my life has always been a battle ground, from sneaking behind my Amma during school to dance until fighting my way to be allowed to attend college of my choice. Life has thrown all sorts of difficulties till date and I thought I am done because what else is there to fight for anymore, or so I thought...

#4-SHADOW OF LOVE

Life decided to have a big laugh at me and threw me another battle in my way, it's called LOVE.

When I was accepted to this college, I thought the only love that's going to blossom was the love for writing and dancing but those 3 years made realise another thing too...

Love for KABADI...
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Love for my KABADI...
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I fell in LOVE with someone...
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I fell in LOVE with a KABADI player...

To make things even interesting, the BIG GUY up there cooked up another idea in my Amma's head. She wants me to marry my cousin, a man who works in a grocery shop, the man I haven't seen romantically at all, the man I call Mama just because I respect him.

This marriage alliance was a shocker to me when I went back home after my final year exams, the only way to escape and cowardly continue my courtship with KABADI was telling Amma I want to continue with Masters. She was against it at first mainly due to financial situation of our family, but Appa convinced Amma, stating the business was picking up and they could pay for my studies for 2 years. I succeeded to postpone the talk on marriage for another 2 years and KABADI was pretty impressed with me.

If he only knew the mountains I'd climb and the seas I'd swim for him, just for him. Falling in love with him has been the best thing happened to me.

Now I am going back after another final exam and I know this time I have to face Amma and tell her I am in love with someone. Someone I don't know whether she would approve of, someone I cannot live without and I will not marry Mama, not in this lifetime, not ever!

Dear Competitively-Challenging-Yet-Beautiful-World, my name is Mullai and this is yet another battle waiting for me, or is there more?

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The Battle(s) shall unfold....

Author's Note :Mullai's POV narration ends here, next chapter will be from Author's POV narration. However, character's POV narration will take place once in a while, when needed.

Thank you.