I hugged the pillow close as I watched Ellen change out of her clothes again. "I don't understand what you're doing."

She huffed in the middle of trying to zip a skirt up and turned to me. "Gigi lent me some of her clothes. I'm trying to change my style."

I winced. So I left the party by myself, all huffy and puffy for no reason, and when I got to McD's I realized I'd left Ellen alone. I called her but she'd told me she was totally fine hanging out with Gigi for a while longer, and to get home safe. As I'd munched on my chicken nuggets, looking at a table full of girls chatting about all the fun they'd had at the club that night, I felt alone, miserable and like I shouldn't have gone to that freaking party in the first place.

It turned out that the party house had been Gigi's. Her parents were out of town for the weekend and she was throwing two parties back to back. The second one was tonight.

"Yeah, but why? You're fine the way you are."

Ellen celebrated zipping it up with an, "Ah hah!" She looked at herself in the mirror. It was supposed to be one of those short pencil skirts, more modest than what Gigi and half of the girls last night had been wearing, exciting only for being super skin tight. The kind of thing you can only pull off if you have hips and butt and no belly. Ellen had no belly, period. She scrunched up her nose.

"This looks awful on me."

I felt terrible but couldn't deny it. "Try the flowery dress." It lay on top of the clothes pile, a pastel pink with some delicate flowers and it looked like it'd swoosh if you walked with it. Feminine but with a touch of something Ellen. She'd been avoiding it all the while.

"That looks like something I already own."

I dropped the pillow and bent forward to pick it up, since I was sitting on the bed. I lifted the dress. It felt expensive in my hands.

"Yeah," I dragged the word on. "But I bet nothing you own has this back cleavage."

I turned it around for her to see and her eyes lit up.

"Okay, so in other words you want to look more slutty," I said.

She paused as she took off the failed skirt and looked up at me with reproach written all over her cute button face. "That's terrible and you know it. And no, I want to look more mature and more confident."

"Funny, wearing less clothes has a way to bring my confidence down."

She rolled her eyes and stood in her underwear, facing me with her hands on her hips. "That's only because you're still immature and not at all ready to attract male attention." She picked up the dress, put it on with way more ease than the previous garment, and turned to look at her reflection in the middle. Her back was to me. The back cleavage plunged all the way to her waist. This was a dress to either wear without a bra or with a super lacy, pretty one. "And I am so ready to attract male attention. A particular male's attention."

I hugged the pillow again and buried my face in it. It smelled like my best friend's soap. Jasmine.

"I kinda get the feeling that I'm running behind the crowd." I sighed, remembering what I'd seen last night. The scene had been circling my mind since I woke up, and that was why I couldn't pay proper attention to my pee wees this morning. I was so glad no one shed blood. "Or, like maybe I'm running in a different direction from everybody else."

Ellen walked over to her chest of drawers and lo and behold, the dress swooshed. To my shock, she produced a pale pink lacy bra that would match perfectly. I didn't know she owned that kind of stuff. All my bras were sports ones from Target.

"Think this one will work?" she asked me.

"It's perfect."

She sat on the bed with me, grabbing another one of her pillows that was coincidentally shaped like a heart. "And it's true, you are running in a different direction. You're so focused on the one thing you want that you don't see all the other stuff you could have."

I frowned. "Like what?"

"A boyfriend."

I twisted to face her. "You do know that getting a boyfriend is not the end all be all, right?"

"Of course it's not." She shrugged. "Let's be clear, even if Chris asked me for marriage I'm still picking up my bags and high tailing it to the Ivy League school that will accept me. It's just-" She paused, looking up as if to collect her thoughts. "I want to experience it, you know? Being liked by a guy. Doing things, with a guy." She wiggled her eyebrows. "Dirty things."

I laughed. "I get it, okay?" There was a pause, where I realized something. "I've never even thought about that. I mean, in passing but not with anyone in particular in mind."

"Really?" she asked, almost gently. "What about Sebastian?"

I swore it took me a second for the words to reach the conscious part of my brain. I wasn't drinking water or anything, but I still choked as if I'd swallowed a big gulp wrong. Tears sprung to my eyes. I managed to wheeze out a feeble what?

She shrugged, not moving a finger to offer comfort. "I always thought you had a thing for him."

"Ha! You're ridiculous. What could possibly have made you think that?"

She took a moment to appreciate the pattern of the flowers strewn across the dress's fabric. I had to elbow her to remind her I'd asked a question. She cleared her throat. "Well, you were always with him or talking about him. Seb pitched this, he did that, Seb told me this, etc."

I scoffed, spluttered. "It was always about baseball! I was always onto him about his performance, his stats, his next games..." I jumped out of the bed and paced. "I was never even jealous of all the girls he hung around with, or did more than hang around with. I didn't care."

"Didn't you?"

"Not a whit." I stopped and faced her. "So all along you've thought I had a crush on him and never told you? What kind of friend would that make me?"

Her hands went up in defense. "I never thought that. I just thought you were in denial of your feelings for him."

"I admired the shit out of him but he was like a big brother, that was it."

"Okay, but..." She trailed off, as if unsure of whether to keep talking. I folded my arms the same way my dad did. Ellen swallowed hard. "I'm not the only one who thought you were crushing on him."

I groaned and threw my arms out around me. "Who else?"

"I think like, everybody."

I gaped. "You're kidding me."

She picked at the fluff of her pillow. "Personally I just thought you were not ready to face your feelings and go for him."

"Puh-lease." I rolled my eyes. "Who do you think you're talking to? If I like a guy no one will stop me from getting him."

"Sure, but in the meantime why not have fun?" My itty bitty best friend jumped out of her bed and twirled in her mature and confident dress and struck a sexy pose. She was diving head on to a world I hadn't even considered. I'd been so focused my entire life on beating femininity so that I could play along with the boys, that I'd never considered I could use femininity to play with the boys— in a different sense, of course. Although both involved balls.

"It doesn't matter anyway, my dad won't let me have any fun if I wanted to," I said.

"But I thought you just said your dad's letting you in the team."

"Yeah, but it comes with a clause of not dating any of the players." I sat on her bed again, cross legged. "Not that I want to, anyway, even though he ignored that. It's just that the only boys I know are on the team, so..."

"That's why you should come to the party tonight. You can meet more boys."

This time I wrinkled my nose. I've been told that when I do this my nose reddens momentarily and it looks like I have one big freckle in the middle of my face. Come to think, it was Santiago who said that once.

"I don't want to, and I also don't want to see the boys I do know kissing other girls."

The second her eyes widened and shone with the force of a full moon, I knew I'd fucked up. She jumped on all fours, straining her arms so her face was right in front of mine.

"Who? Receipts."

I groaned and tried to push her away. "Nobody, I was just saying."

"Liar, liar, pants on fire."

Alright, it wasn't a fuck up. I could admit to myself that this was what I came over to talk about. I just knew I had to get that scene out so that it wouldn't be only in my head. And I knew she'd get it out of me even if I didn't mean to share it.

"Tell meee."

I laughed. "This is why you're already a great journalist."

Every year her mom tried to arrange a surprise party, but every year Ellen discovered the plot. They'd been at this battle of her mom's tenacity and the daughter's curiosity since as far back as I could remember. The problem is that Ellen inherited the tenacity too.

"Fine, I'll tell you." She sat back on her haunches and placed her hands neatly in front of her. A proper lady. I splayed my legs around the mattress, knocking the pile of clothes over and not bothering to pick them up. You know, trying to be casual. "I saw Jared McCann and a cheerleader getting it on hot and heavy in the kitchen. I'm pretty sure his hand went up her skirt."

"Ew."

"I know." I shrugged. Keep it casual, keep it casual, I told myself. "And I also saw Santiago and Jessica Ashford making out sans t-shirts in a closet."

Her jaw hung open.

It stayed like that for a long time. She'd start drooling soon. Or a fly would buzz in.

It was freaking me out.

"Elle-"

"No way!"

I lifted my hands up to make a barrier between us, because I had a feeling she wanted to shake me or hit me. "Way."

"Oh my God." She stood up. Got out of the dress. Put on only sweatpants. Paced. "This is the biggest news of the year. They could be a power couple."

"Wait." I shook my head. "A power couple?"

The thought hadn't even crossed my mind.

"The most popular girl in school, a cheerleader, and the hottest guy, a varsity baseball player? Duh."

Sink holes were a relatively common problem in Florida. At that moment it felt like one had opened right beneath me.

"You can't be serious," I said. "She like, dated Sebastian. That's gross, dating both brothers."

Her eyebrows went up. "That's genius. It cements her position as the most desirable girl. If they go to homecoming together people will flip a switch. Our school will have royalty again." She gasped. "They'll be prom king and queen."

I let out a weird breath and rushed to her, trying to calm her down. "Hold your horses, stop planning their wedding already. They were just making out, it could mean anything."

"Without shirts? All it means is that you interrupted them on their way to rounding all the bases."

My breath was shaky, all of a sudden.

Santiago and Jessica Ashford, a couple? Oh God.

I flopped on the floor, hard. I couldn't help it. It was as though I'd suddenly been robbed of all strength. Just by the thought of them becoming a power couple. Royalty.

"Peyton?"

I looked up at her. Something strange was expanding in my chest. It was ugly and big, and I couldn't stop it from growing and taking over me.

"What am I gonna do?" Her face appeared in my field of vision. It looked worried. "I don't want to lose him, too."

one of my fave moments of every story is The Big Realization. how did you guys like it??