Selfish, selfish, selfish! I criticised myself as I walked up the porch steps to my front door, exhausted and emotionally drained.

Rose had just dropped me off at my house after she, Kim and I had spent the last 2 hours comforting Alyssa and giving her advice about what she should do.

Her circumstances were so much more serious than mine and helping her should be at the forefront of my mind. And yet someone else has already taken that spot and refused to leave it.

I needed to get my head on straight and focus on helping my friend.

As I opened the front door, the warm, aromatic smell of coffee wafted into my nose and the sound of rapid typing on a computer keyboard alerted me to the fact that my mom was home unusually early.

“Mom what are you doing back home so early?” I asked, surprised and confused.

“Oh hi Ava,” She addressed me, too engrossed with whatever she was working on too look up at me over her laptop screen.

“My boss gave me the rest of the night off because I’ve been working over-time recently.” She explained, her eyes flicking between the stacks of documents in front of her and her screen, but still not to her daughter.

“Oh really? I hadn’t noticed,” I mumbled sarcastically. Once again my mom hadn’t been around when I could actually use some support.

Then she finally looked up at me.

I instantly felt guilty; she had bags under her eyes that reached the apples of her high cheekbones, and I spotted 4 empty cups of coffee placed in various spots around the dining table.

“I’m sorry Honey, I haven’t been around as much as I should have but it’s just that there is a promotion coming up that I think I have a strong chance of getting.” She explained, a tinge of guilt in her voice as she pulled the chair next to her out, and beckoned me to sit down.

“Maybe I should have told you earlier. I mean, you’re old enough that I can talk to you about our financial situation and be able to understand the significance of it…” She trailed off.

“What are you trying to tell me Mom?” I asked abruptly, attempting to not to sound impatient. I really am so irritated by how selfish I’m being recently…apparently I just hurt everyone I care about.

Her eyes winced ever so slightly and her expression grew weary as she registered my frustration, and my decision to remain standing.

“Actually this promotion is a really big deal.” She sighed, taking her reading glasses off and pinching the nerve at the bridge of her nose. “I’ve been unofficially working for to be considered for it for over a year and now it’s so close I can almost grab it and I just don’t know what I’ll do if I’m rejected for the position...”

Something was wrong. I had always known my mom to be a powerhouse; independent and driven and sometimes detached. A hard worker, strong, not easily shaken.

But right now she looked tired, stressed out and vulnerable.

Slumping back in her chair she continued to explain what was going on.

“The position is Director of the ICU,”

Wow. This really was a massive promotion.

“If I get this job, I can work fewer, more flexible hours thanks to being able to delegate tasks and duties to my subordinates. That would mean we could spend more time together.” She smiled remorsefully at me as I slowly slid into the seat next to her.

“And my salary…my salary will nearly double. We could take a trip together some place, do something fun! But more importantly I would be able to give you the money you need for your college tuition.”

“We’ll have enough to send you interstate, almost any university you want to apply to!” She looked at me excitedly, despite the fatigue that was evident in her face.

All this time my mom had been working hard for me…for us. And I just took it all for granted, criticised her for not being around enough when she was just trying to give me a good future.

Goddammnit I wanted to cry again.

I stared at her, stunned, with my lips parted. I tried to think of something to say to make up for all the extra burden my attitude and my actions must have caused her. But once again, I was all choked up.

“Now it’s coming down to crunch time. In about a month I’m going to be interviewed by the hospital board and I need to prepare myself. Everything has to be perfect and I… I’m really nervous Ava, this promotion would mean a lot of things for us.”

My heart just can’t catch a break today can it?

“Mom…” I mumbled emotionally as I leaned out of my chair and hugged her tightly.

Both of us were surprised.

My mother never liked to reveal her weaknesses, and she’s never told me in the past the times when she’s been afraid, or nervous or worried. I always thought my mom was made of steel, but I guess I forgot that she’s allowed to be human.

By the same token, she was not used to me being over-emotional. I felt her slight shock at the intensity of my embrace, but her arms held me back just as tightly. She needed support now and I was going to give it to her.

“I know you want to go to Julliard just like your Dad,” She whispered over my shoulder.

It was true. After my Dad died I decided I wanted to study theatre, more specifically musical theatre, and I really wanted to go to the same university he went to. It sounds silly, but I feel like going there would somehow make me feel closer to him…

“But speaking of which,” She continued, seemingly re-energised, as I sat back in my own chair, “have you thought about other colleges you want to apply to yet? There isn’t much time left to decide your preferences before they start reviewing applications.”

Shit. I’d temporarily forgotten about that. I was so focused on Julliard this, Julliard that, that I hadn’t really thought of many other options in great detail.

And then there was this small hope, this tiny remnant of the dream I had as a child, that maybe I could be the one on stage, and not just watching on in the audience. I’d always made my Dad promise to write a good review of my performance when he came to watch my first show on Broadway…

But that was not likely to eventuate. I was older now, I had to be realistic.

“I’ve got a mental list of preferences, but it hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind recently. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now…” I told her tiredly, dragging my hands over my face.

“Are you okay honey? You look exhausted. You know if you want to I can write you a medical certificate and you can take a day off,” she grinned.

“Wow Mom, all this potential promotion power is getting to your head! I never thought I’d hear those words come out of your mouth.” I laughed.

“Well when my daughter is in her Senior Year, there are just some things that it’s ok to let slide.” She laughed along with me, “with all the serious things that are suddenly dumped on you right now, I say it’s ok to take a break now and again to recharge and refocus. You need a balance in your life.”

“Actually do I need to talk to you about something serious that has suddenly come up.” I said soberly.

She looked at me uncertainly, trying to work out whatever disaster it was she thought I was about to inform her of.

Pulling her cardigan tighter around her, her slim form sat up straighter and she closed her laptop lid as I took my bag and pulled out Alyssa’s pregnancy tests, placing them on the table.

I could see the fear set in as her eyes widened to the size of saucers and her entire frame stiffened.

“Ava are you? No… Please don’t tell me that you-“She asked, trying not to sound distressed.

“No Mom it’s not me,” I said clearly and definitively, and I could see the panic dissipating from her eyes as she ran a hand through her chocolate brown hair, the fine ash grey hairs at her temples catching the light from the pendant hanging from the ceiling.

“Oh thank god. Honey you almost gave me a heart attack.” She sighed in relief, her hand clutching her chest as she calmed her nerves.

“They’re Alyssa’s.” I explained, “She told us today and she’s really freaking out…and I thought I’d ask you for help.” I continued softly.

“My daughter, asking me for help,” My Mom smiled wide, the corners of her tired eyes crinkling with surprise and excitement.

“You’re a doctor!” I rolled my eyes with a small smile.

“I’m also your Mom,” she smiled again. “Is she sure she’s pregnant? Does Luke know?”

“Luke knows but he didn’t exactly react in the best way. Alyssa said her period hasn’t come yet, and well, these tests are all positive right? What doubt does that leave her?” I sighed as my mom put her glasses back on and inspected the tests dubiously.

“I wouldn’t be so sure. The thing is, pregnancy tests are a bit tricky because you have to read them within the time frame given by the instructions. And what makes it more complicated is that every manufacturer has different guidelines.”

“None of us were with her when she took the tests… I don’t know if she followed all the steps.” I said, hoping there was a chance Alyssa might not be pregnant.

“Right now it’s been far too long from when she took the test for us to be able to know if the results are accurate. Can you get her to come over tomorrow?  I’ll give her a preliminary check-up before school. As a doctor I will promise her full confidentiality. But as a Mom, I can give her advice that she wouldn’t be able to get if she chose not to tell her parents.”

Geez my Mom was so cool right now.

“Thanks Mom,” I hugged her tightly again, “you’re the best.”

“Is there anything else bothering you that you want to talk about?” She asked me gently.

“No, this was all I wanted to talk about.” I said quietly.

As nice as it would be to think that after today, everything between me and her would be fixed, it wasn’t that simple. I still had things I wanted to remain private, and while I now understand why my Mom wasn’t around that much this past year, there was other baggage between us that remained unresolved. Even though I wanted to, I wasn’t ready to open up to my mom about Ryan and the other drama going on in my life.

_______________________________________________________________

It was late and I was attempting to study, to take my mind off the shit-storm that this day had been. But I couldn't concentrate on anything. I read the same sentence in my textbook 10 times over but the information just refused to go into my brain. My eyes dragged themselves over the lines and paragraphs of words and symbols but the longer I stared at the shapes they made rather than the meanings they held, they began to look like a foreign jumble of hieroglyphics.

I couldn't concentrate on anything for longer than a minute before my thoughts strayed back to Ryan...and the fact that I didn't realise I was so in love with him.

I couldn't even focus on the homework from theatre class which I usually enjoyed so much. We were rehearsing monologues and I so stupidly chose the hardest category of them all; Love. Why did I think I could have pulled it off before when I didn’t even know what it felt like to be in love!

But as I delivered my lines to my supposed lover, I could only think of one boy that wasn't fictional, and I imagined I was speaking these words of love to him.

All of a sudden my phone rang out, buzzing and beeping on my desk as the loud, shrill sound of my ringtone blasted through my reverie, bringing me back to reality, my heart still pounding with fright.

It was Brad.

"Ava," He said immediately after I picked up, the serious tone of his voice and the fact he didn't call me babe, alerting me that something was up.

"You need to get over here and see this..." He trailed off, and I instantly felt a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach as he continued speaking.

"Ryan is gone.

I don't know where he is, he left a note saying he was staying over at a friend's house but I have no clue which friend."

The sinking feeling turned into fear that flooded my veins with acute adrenalin that set me on edge like a bad caffeine withdrawal.

"I was hoping you could help me figure that part out. Are you able to come over right now? I'll understand if you're busy right now or if you don't really feel up to it___"

But by the time he had finished speaking, I had already scribbled out a note telling my mom I needed to go out and buy milk or some other retarded excuse along those lines, and was out the door wearing a worn out old sweater and my car keys in my outstretched hand.

"I'll be there soon" I mumbled quickly as I cut the call.

____________________________________________

‘Ryan isn't reckless, he's not stupid, he wouldn't put himself in danger’ I told myself as I made my way through traffic. But I couldn't dispel the bundle of nerves and doubt that had my legs oscillating up and down impatiently, and my fingers tapping anxiously on the steering wheel as I waited for an eternity for the lights to change from red to green.

My lips felt raw and tender by the time Brad buzzed me in through the gates. It was only when I rushed through the front door that I realised I had been biting down on them this whole time.

"Any news?" I asked Brad hopefully. That was so rude of me, I didn't even say hi, but my mind was in overdrive right now.

"His phone is off," He frowned in dismay.

"Maybe he's with Jack?" I suggested, wracking my brain trying to think of where he could be right now.

"I already called Jack, but he said he hasn't seen Ryan since they left the fete." He sighed, ushering me in towards the lounge area. But I didn't budge.

"I'll call Luke then." I said abruptly as I took out my phone and began to search through the names under L in my contact list. Maybe Luke called Ryan over because he was freaked out about the baby... I wondered.

"Wait." Brad said suddenly, his hand gently clasping my wrist as he lowered my phone away from me. "You need to see this first." He told me, looking directly into my eyes that were strained with worry and tension.

I followed his gaze as it fell to Ryan's bedroom door, just a few metres from where we were standing.

What is wrong with his room? I thought as my heart rate accelerated a little, a feeling of foreboding prickling the hairs on my skin.

I saw it was open just a hair's breadth as I approached the room uncertainly, naively expecting the comfort of his forest green walls, every object so neatly, carefully placed in its own home. I imagined Ryan ordering and organising his room meticulously, so adorably, right down to his sock drawer.

And therefore, the sight before me was like a punch in the gut, knocking the air out of my lungs as I stepped inside what I can only describe as a War-zone.

I sensed Brad following behind silently as I surveyed the damage all around me.

"What have I done to you..." I murmured helplessly as the horror set in.

My stunned eyes darted from his clothes strewn chaotically across the floor as the wardrobe doors hung wide open, to his once perfectly arranged, colour coded stationary now scattered across his desk in a violently contrasting array. That suffocating lump of emotions I felt earlier today had returned, forming in the back of my throat.

His wheelie chair lay tossed carelessly on its side stole the words from my horrified parted lips. There was a pillow at my feet, the corners severely wrinkled, as if someone had gripped them tightly and...unleashed their pain.

My heartbeat felt irregular as I saw the stuffed toy Owl I won for him at the carnival, face down in the corner of the room.

'My wise owl. My goody two shoes...'  I thought in dismay as my chest tightened painfully and something that felt like a river began to well up inside of me, threatening to spill over.

And then I saw it.

Ryan's black framed square glasses, the essence of what made him him, the first thing i noticed about him when we met in American lit, framing his deep blue eyes that seemed to always see straight through me.

Those glasses were like a part of him, a part of the boy I loved.

But now they lay cracked and crooked, fractured, dented and unhinged, unceremoniously cast towards the waste basket; the only thing in his room that somehow managed to stay upright.

Some kind of choked out sob escaped my throat as I stumbled over by his bookshelf and promptly fell to my knees. My eyes were hot and blurred by the tears that began to stream down my cheeks, as I picked up the shattered lenses and stared at its broken frame as I held it in my lap.

‘You're breaking me Ava’  Ryan's soul crushing words echoed hauntingly in my ears.

Brad placed his hand gently on my shoulder, probably uncertain whether I was having a meltdown or not, but I quickly wiped away with my forearm.

Rising to my feet, still cradling the glasses in my hands, I turned to Brad, my face a stoic mask guarding the turmoil I felt inside.

But I was surprised to see him looking at me with an expression of guilt and regret.

"I'm sorry Ava, I shouldn't have called you over. I didn't think you would react so strongly...what I mean is that__"

"No." I interrupted him, "Thank you for asking me to come."

Then I turned away to painfully glance around the room again.

"I caused this." I said cynically, "I pushed him to breaking point and it would be a f*cking joke if I told him I loved him right now. He wouldn't believe me."

"Ava what are you saying?!" Brad looked at me with mixture of confusion and disbelief as his brows furrowed together.

I ran my hand through my hair as I paced around aimlessly and exhaled a deep sigh of frustration.

"It means I blew my chances, all those chances he gave me and I don't deserve another one!" I choked out exasperatedly and rushed out of the room; though in reality Ryan's room was massive, I felt claustrophobic as overwhelming emotions began to close in on me.

Reaching the kitchen I dialled Luke's number and prayed he would know where Ryan was.

...Hi this is Luke! Sorry I can't pick up right now, but leave a message and I'll___

No luck.

I don't understand! I don't know where he could have gone, where he would be right now, who he'd be with right now unless---

No.

No. No, NO, Please no!

Not Melissa...

And I pressed Ryan's number on my speed dial faster than my mind could process and convince me that this was a bad idea and that getting a call from me is probably the last this he would want right now.

'Pick up! PICK UP!' I willed silently, 'don't let her get into your head, don't let her sink her claws into your heart.'

The person you have called has currently switched off their phone came a muffled automated operator voice from the other end.

"Stop it." Brad said firmly as he suddenly appeared and prised my phone out of my hands.

"You know Ryan. You know he would not go off and play around with that Viper, not after having told you he loved you."

"How did-"

"You were talking to yourself out loud Babe."

"Oh." I said unintelligibly. It was all I could say.

But he was right.

"Even though neither of us really knows what to make of this ....well what looks like the aftermath of a tornado, I know my brother isn't that kind of guy."

 I closed my eyes as I let Brad's words assuage my irrational fears.

 "I also know you're crazy for thinking that he wouldn't just hold you and never let you go if you told him how you really feel."

Brad smiled at me knowingly, comfortingly. "He'll forgive you for being a little slow."

"He must hate me so much," I whispered.

"He could never hate you." Brad said firmly as he enveloped me in a tight, protective bear hug.

"...I'll tell him the truth tomorrow." I said, quietly but resolutely; finally coming to a decision. 

_________________________________

Driving home, utterly drained of energy, I turned on the radio as rain drops began to patter onto the windows.

Too much of a good thing won't be good for long
Although you made my heart sing, to stay with you would be wrong
Too much of a good thing won't be good anymore
Watch where I tread before I fall...​

It was Sam Smith.

And his words made my heart hurt even more.

It wasn’t that the whole song so coincidently fit the situation I was in, but the chorus held a meaning within it that resonated deeply with me…

Ryan is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I kept pushing my luck further and further until I lost him.  I spent too much time trying to keep us as friends, because I knew that what we had was good; we worked so well as friends. But he made me feel things that made it impossible for me to think about him as just a friend. He made it impossible for me not to want more than that. And I thought that once I realised I was treading into dangerous waters in between friends and lovers, sinking deeper and deeper by the day, that I could still press the reset button and protect him from the inevitable realisation that I was going to be a mistake in his life. But I naively did not realise that I could never completely let him go. His eyes, his smile, his kisses; he was like a drug. And I relapsed, and relapsed. Each time the feelings grew stronger and the rush I got intensified…and I finally understood that this addiction was not temporary.

I thought it was best to wean myself quickly before he realised his mistake and I got hurt, but he made that hard for me too. It wasn’t even that he was too tempting to stay away from. No, that wasn’t it. It was that I cared about him too much and thought I knew what he was thinking; I thought I knew what was best for him…I thought I knew that I was no good for him.

I thought that I wouldn’t know what love was even if it punched me in the face.

I thought that no boy could ever actually love a bad girl.

But all I ended up doing was hurting him, and hurting myself.

Before I knew it, I had fallen hard for him.

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Err, hey guys. Let's just say you should take what I say more as a general guideline than a fact set in stone when it comes to announcing when I will next update.

From now on I'm not going to give specific dates...just the week when I hope to upload!

I hope this long chapter + part 2 coming soon will appease you!

ENJOY and pls don't hate me for being so slow

Cerise xx :)

p.s. Don't forget to VOTE, COMMENT and FOLLOW me if you like the story so far, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS ARE THINKING RIGHT NOW!!