RYAN’S POV

Can I please just stop thinking completely?

 I wish my brain had an off-switch to my thoughts, like being able to turn the volume down on a tv. Or better yet, tuning out like a radio until all I can hear is white noise.

I’m alone, sitting on my bed in the semi-darkness of dusk.  It’s been an hour since I got back but I haven’t changed my clothes, or eaten, or even taken my shoes off.

I’ve just been sitting here.

My father is away on business, my mother is out for dinner and Brad isn’t home yet either. I saw him disappear from the Pavilion earlier this afternoon, after a flash of pink worn by the reason why I wish my brain had an off switch.

But evidently it does not.

What is she thinking right now? What was she thinking back then? Why did I do that, why did I kiss her again, why did I tell her I love her again?

‘What were you expecting Ryan? ‘I berated myself, ‘You confused charity with love. You confused a favour from a friend, as an indication of changed feelings.’

Even if I managed to stop the constant stream of thoughts, I couldn’t erase the image of Ava’s face, paralysed with her lips parted as if she was going to speak, going to say the words I desperately wanted to hear. Her tawny green eyes expressing conflict and something like guilt, her eyebrows furrowed together with uneasiness and tension as I laid my heart out on the line.

I just don’t understand.

I don’t understand her silence.

And you know they say actions speak louder than words, but her actions confuse me even more.

She kissed me. She kissed me and I thought I was dreaming when she pulled me to her. And for the 5th time today which I could scarcely believe, my lips were graced by hers.

But then those lips trembled, and clamped shut when I mistook whatever feelings I thought she had, for the same one I felt so deeply. Love.

I looked around my room as I felt the ache in my chest grow, like water rising up in my lungs, hurt and anger at myself rushing through my veins and pricking at my skin.

My neatly ordered desk, the boring colour scheme of my clothes in my wardrobe, the text books that were lined up next to stacks of notes I’d worked hard to make. The stuffed animal owl that sat on the chair in the corner of my room.  ‘Owls are smart…and just a tad boring.’ She’d said, all those months ago at the carnival, by which time I’m sure I’d already fallen for her.

And suddenly I hated everything about my room, and everything about myself that made Ava have her doubts about me. About us.

I felt like I’d been bottling up so many emotions, fears, insecurities and thoughts my whole life, and now I couldn’t take it anymore.

I got up slowly and picked up a pillow from my bed, perhaps the same one Ava had hugged to herself on the night I wished a thousand times I had kissed her back. And after I exhaled a deep sigh like the calm before the storm, I gripped the corners tightly... and let myself explode.

_______________________________________________________________________

I left a note on the table for my parents, if they even bothered to check I was home since they always assumed I was in my room studying, and I walked out of the house and climbed over the secret wall just for the heck of it. Just because I wanted to.

I’m staying over at a friend’s house tonight.
Don’t worry about me.

Ryan.

As I started my car and pulled out of the driveway, Sam Smith’s ‘Not in that way’ started to play on the radio and I groaned internally at how perfectly it fit the situation I currently found myself in. But while I didn’t want to have to think anymore, I couldn’t bring myself to change the channel or turn the radio off.

I hate to say I love you, when it’s so hard for me.
I hate to say I want you, when you make it so clear you don’t want me.
I’d never ask you cause’ deep down I’m certain I know what you’d say,
You’d say I’m sorry, believe me I love you, but not in that way.

I hate to say I need you,

 I’m so reliant, I’m so dependent. I’m such a fool.

When you’re not there, I find myself singing the Blues,

Can’t bear, can’t face the truth.

You will never know that feeling, you will never see through these eyes.

I’d never ask you cause’ deep down I’m certain I know what you’d say,
You’d say I’m sorry, believe me I love you, but not in that way.

I’d never heard any song that so accurately described the pain I was feeling right now. Well, I guess I have unintentionally entered into through a break-up song phase. An indefinite period of musical mourning.

…Except that Ava was never my girlfriend to begin with.

I parked outside Jack’s house and was ready to knock on his door when I spotted his car parked across the road near the park where Ava and I had sat eating ice-cream in the middle of Winter.

I thought no one was inside until I saw Jack’s head appear in the backseat, and then a girl’s hand pull him back down.

I should have known he’d still be with Jasmine.

'Stupid, when are you ever going to get things right?' I chastised myself.

So I decided to head over to Luke’s.

I’d known Luke since we started high school as freshmen; when we met at try-outs for the soccer team. He was the rumoured favourite because he was already adept at many other sports.

But while he was a pro at something like basketball, he didn’t have the same dexterity in his feet to be able to manoeuvre the ball exactly where he wanted it to go.

I had been playing soccer since I was 7 and it was something I loved and came naturally to me. It cleared my head, when all I had to concentrate on was getting the ball into the goal.

‘How do you do that?’ 14 year old Luke asked in frustration as we took a water break.
‘Do what?’ I asked confused as I took off my first-string bib. I was uncertain of why this popular jock was talking to me.

‘That thing with your feet where you shoot the ball directly into the net,’ he explained as he wiped the sweat from his forehead with his second-string bib.

‘….striking?’ I guessed, scratching my head as I began to walk back onto the pitch.

‘Well that’s obvious mr lightning-striker, I mean how do you do it?’ He clarified with a laugh as he followed me and slung an arm around my shoulder. I was surprised by how outgoing this jock was, and that he already acting like we’d been friends for ages even though we’d only just met.

‘I can show you better than I can explain it to you,’ I offered happily. My family had praised me before but it felt different when someone on your team recognised your efforts.

‘Haywood! Fratelli! Get back on the pitch, break time is over ladies!’ Coach called out.

‘Do you want to come over after practice and teach me how to do that thing? You can stay for dinner! Mom’s making her famous lasagne!’ Luke asked enthusiastically, his eyes hopeful.

‘Ok, sure.’ I agreed, my smile turning into a grin.

‘Awesome! I’m gonna prove Coach wrong and make it to first string in no time! Thanks Ryan you’re the best!’

I smiled to myself as I remembered how Luke wasn’t afraid to call out to me and stop me in the hallway to say hi during school hours, not just choosing to acknowledge me during soccer practice like I expected he would.

He was a good friend. And we became even closer when Ava introduced me to the group. I never thought I’d be sitting with him and his friends when I was 14.

Before then, we only ever had long conversations at practice and on soccer camp over the summer.

And it was all thanks to Ava.

_____________________________________________________

Maybe I should have called first, but Luke’s mom Gabriella had told me multiple times that their door was always open. Luke was the oldest child with 4 little brothers and sisters, and Gabriella looked after the whole household ever since Luke’s dad left them. It was something he didn’t like to talk about.

When I rang the doorbell, it was Luke who answered the door. But he looked like he had aged 10 years and the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. I didn’t know what had happened to make him look this way but the second he realised it was me standing on his front porch, I swear he looked like he was almost going to cry as he hugged me tightly and his entire frame slumped against me.

“Ryan, I’m really glad to see you.” He sighed raggedly as I patted his back comfortingly.

“What happened Luke?” I asked concerned, as I automatically followed him inside.

“Mom ‘s gone to pick up the little kids from Nonna’s house but I’d still feel safer if we had this conversation in my room.” He replied bleakly.

Luke’s room was in a state only slightly better than the one I had left mine in. And the second after he closed the door he turned around and blurted out, ‘Alyssa’s pregnant.’

Silence filled the room as I processed the immensity of that statement.

“Luke –“ I began to say before he interrupted me with passionate self-criticism.

“And the baby isn’t even born but I’ve f*cked up already!” He exclaimed as he started pacing the floor.

“What happened?” I asked trying to sound as calm as possible.

“When Lys told me, she was scared and she wanted to know if I would stay with her and help her raise our child but do you know what I did? I thought of my dad and the colossal screw-up that he was and I was paralysed by the thought that I was going to turn out exactly like him and that our baby would be better off without me. So the first thing that came out of my mouth was

‘How early can we put it up for adoption?’”

“That was not exactly the best thing you could have said…” I said gently, trying not to cringe at how tactless that must have sounded to Alyssa.

“That’s an understatement! She looked at me like she wanted to kill me but at the same time like she started crying and told me not to speak to her again until I decided if I wanted to be a part of her life or not.” Luke told me as he ran his hands through his hair and pulled at the small bunches in despair.

“Has Alyssa told her parents yet?” I asked cautiously.  

“No. You know Alyssa’s family is super Catholic right? If her parents ever found out that…well when they find out that we had sex before marriage, I’m a dead man. And not that I had even thought about it but they would never allow us to terminate the pregnancy.”

“I hate that while my girlfriend is pregnant with my baby, all I can think about is how our futures will be ruined. There’s no way she can follow her dream to become a professional dancer, and I won’t even get the chance to try and get scouted for varsity basketball if we have a kid to take care of 24/7.”

“F*ck Ryan I’m still just a kid!” He punched the wall. And as he turned to look at me, his eyes had welled up with fearful tears, threatening to spill over. “I don’t know about anything anymore. Maybe this is how my dad felt when he decided to leave us…”

He raised his fist to punch the wall again but in 2 strides I was there in front of him to catch his wrist before he could let it fly.

“Luke, you are not your father.” I reminded him firmly as he struggled against my grip.

“Yeah but you know what they say, like father like son. You always end up exactly the way you never wanted to be.” He scowled cynically as his arm fell limp and his uneven breathing caused his bottom lip to tremble.

Suddenly our focus was jolted like an electric shock, by the loud clanking for the garage door opening and flashing headlights outside Luke’s bedroom window.  

And Luke’s already distraught state worsened as he panicked “Crap my mom’s going to take one look at me and know something is up. Nothing gets past her, she’ll be so mad she’ll probably slap me and I the little kids are probably going to think their brother is a screw up just like our dad and- ”

Grasping his shoulders with both of my hands I kept him still as I looked at him steadfastly and said,

“Snap out of it! You are Luke Fratelli and you have never backed down from a challenge before, no matter how difficult, so I know you’re not going to turn and run now. Not when you can’t risk losing the things at stake; the girl you’ve love more than anything in the world, and the baby that you made together. That baby has half of your genes and if you think that your father leaving you is something genetic that you are also damned to do then you need to take AP biology again.

You can choose to stay and give your kid a childhood with a father that knows better than to just pack up and leave!” I finished finally, out of breath.

Luke’s irregular breaths had evened out and his vulnerable expression had regained some of its composure as he stared at me with his mouth open, stunned almost as much as I was by my impromptu speech.

‘Luca we’re home!’ Came Gabriella’s warm voice, followed by a chorus of excited squeals “Luke! Luke! Bro! Big Bro!”

“Ryan…would you be able to stay over? I don’t think I’ll be able to last the night without thinking some kind of crazy thoughts that’ll make me end up doing something stupid.

“Sure Luke.” I accepted, offering him a reassuring smile as my hands slipped from his shoulders and we left his room to great the rest of the Fratelli clan.

The second he had slumped against me at the front door, I vetoed my plan to ask if I could stay over. Seeing my friend so distraught, I didn’t want to intrude while he was feeling vulnerable and I didn’t want to add to his burden by telling him about my problems… I envisioned myself returning to my empty house and going straight to bed.

But I felt this strange sense of warmth and relief when he asked me to stay. I felt important. There were people that did want me to be there with them.

_______________________________________________________________________

We stayed up late playing video games in the dark; a welcome distraction from reality for both of us.

Luke was really getting into it, staring intensely at the screen while he shouted commands and complaints at the screen. And his voice kept getting more and more strained until I heard a quiet choking noise and realised that he was crying.

Normally the right thing to do, would be to ask the person crying if they were ok, and comfort them. But when that person his trying to hide their tears, the noble thing to do is to pretend you didn’t notice.

And so we played until Gabriella came into the room and hurried us into bed.

Then we laid in silence as we tried to fall asleep. But Luke’s tossing and turning told me he was wide awake in his bed, while my mind refused to let my exhausted body rest, as I rolled onto my back on the thin mattress on Luke’s bedroom floor.

The events that occurred today played back through my mind like a Greek tragedy, and they felt so surreal, almost like none of it had even happened. It would have been better if none of it had happened.

Ava…

But even with all the misery that flooded my chest, and the hurt that bruised my heart with every throbbing heartbeat, I couldn’t bring myself to extinguish that small ember of hope that was still flickering away.

Finally drifting off to sleep, I wished I could forget the way she smiled at me so brightly at the kissing booth when I chose to kiss her the second time. And I wish I could forget the hazy euphoria I thought I saw in her eyes as I held her beautiful face in my hands and let my gaze rest on her slightly parted lips, rosy-red from having just been kissed.

It would be easier if she said she’d never cared about me at all.

But it’s never as simple as that. And neither is the pain that follows.

“Ryan” came Luke’s jarring whisper-shout as he yanked me back into consciousness.

“…What is it Luke?” I asked quietly, trying not to sound irritated as I stared at the ceiling as I tried to re-orientate myself and get my bearings.

“I’m the biggest butthead of a friend. I can’t believe that I only realised just now that I didn’t call you to come over. You just turned up for some very important reason and you needed my help with something that I should have asked you about. I’m always going to you for help and advice but this is the first time you’ve come to me and I go and dump more of my baggage on you!”

I stifled a laugh, not quite able to  believe that he went the whole night not questioning why I’d come to his house in the first place until just now.

“Don’t worry about it Luke, it’s nothing. I just wanted to hang out.” I told him. Strangely enough, trying to help Luke with his problems distracted me from my own. It was both sad and cathartic at the same time.

“It can’t be nothing; you’d never just drop by unannounced. You’re the type of person that hates making other people troubled! What happened today?“ his voice unintentionally getting louder, and then abruptly soft as he remembered his brothers and sisters were sleeping just next door.

“I’ll tell you in the morning. Go to sleep.” I told him as I rolled over onto my side, facing away from him.

“Don’t be like that Ryan, tell me what I made you keep quiet about the whole night.” Luke persisted as he nudged my back with his foot.

“It’s nothing compared to what you’re going through, I swear it’s nothing important, I’ll tell you tomorrow.” I reassured him. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell Luke right now, I just felt too tired to think anymore and I wanted to slip into ambiguous dreams I wouldn’t remember in the morning.

I knew I’d be dreaming about Ava again, just like every other night without fail. It’s the only place I could actually be with her…

“Look, I’m about to become a father and how can I become a reliable dad if my friend doesn’t even trust me enough to tell me what’s got him so down and depressed,” Luke said seriously, “I know you’re lying to me because you don’t want to ‘add to my burden’ or whatever but you not telling me is making me worry even more!” He was subtly using emotional blackmail on me, but I knew he really was concerned.

“Ok.” I relented, exhaling as I rolled over onto my back and brought my arms up to tuck them under my head like a pillow.

Taking a deep breath, I told him.

 “Ava kissed me today, and I thought it meant something, so I mindlessly told her I loved her.” I said, surprisingly calmly and evenly despite how shaky I still felt inside. I heard Luke gasp in shock.

“But she didn’t say anything back. It was like she physically couldn’t speak …weird how not saying anything at all could make me feel like she’d kicked me in the stomach. Anyway I went home but nobody was in the house except me and I felt like crap just sitting on my bed and beating myself up in my mind. I got really angry and then I…well then I came here hoping hanging out with you would distract me from the fact that I just can’t give up on Ava.”

Several seconds of silence lapsed between us and I could just imagine the cogs and gears turning in Luke’s brain as he processed this information and tried to come up with something wise to say in response.

“…shit.” He said simply, at a loss for words, sounding both astounded and impressed at the same time, if that were possible.

Evidently he was more shocked by this news than I had been to hear Alyssa was pregnant.

We slipped back into comfortable silence and I was waiting for Luke to speak up again. Once you got him stuck on thinking about something, he wouldn’t be able to drop it.

…

“Well I know we talked about you liking her and stuff,” He said, like he was picking up in media res from where he left off in a conversation he had been having with himself in his mind. “But love…”

“Go to sleep Luke, I’m too tired to keep talking about this.” I told him as I shut my eyes tight.

But he ignored me as he mumbled to himself, “And I definitely knew you guys had done some stuff, like at Christmas, that mistletoe kiss was so hot but-“

“Luke.” I interjected, a stern, low tone to my voice warning him not to go any further. The thought of the ‘stuff’ that had happened between us was just another punch to the gut, and my skin was prickling with embarrassment.

“Tomorrow morning then.” Luke concluded decisively, as if it was non-negotiable. He wasn’t going to let it go.

Nevertheless, I was really glad he cared; I managed to fall asleep with a small smile, somehow feeling like things weren’t going to stay bad forever.

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Bonjour my lovely readers <3

I'm really loving Luke and Ryan's bromance, since the story is mostly from Ava's POV, we don't really see their interactions very often. They're actually really good friends! And we learnt some stuff about Luke's family.

Next few chapters are intense, Ava makes an important decision, but we haven't seen the last of Melissa Proud just yet.....

STAY TUNED! And don't forget to Comment, vote, and follow if you like the story so far

Thanks for sticking with me up til now, I really appreciate every single one of you!

Cerise xx :D