My friends had good intentions, but as the saying went, those paved the way to hell.

I felt like that was exactly where I was as I sat in the school library. Sawyer was next to me, reading Romeo and Juliet like it wasn't ironic at all. Around us were Courtney, Lina and their boyfriends. It seemed like as soon as baseball practice had let off they'd followed along with Sawyer as part of the girls' plan to give me moral support. Their logic was that if Sawyer and I were seen together, the gossip mongers were sure to grow more rabid. The problem was that this group was already strange enough that it was attracting a lot of looks.

I did my best to avoid them and focus on my own homework, but I couldn't shake the flutter in my belly. I'd tried twice during the day to corner Sawyer and apologize. The first time I failed because the words wouldn't come out. I just stood there in front of him like an idiot until the bell rang and we had to go our separate ways.

My second attempt was during lunchtime, which was when I found him talking with Mr. Davies in front of the vending machines.

"Glad you can join us, Rory," our teacher said with a smile. He patted Sawyer in the back. "Sawyer here and I were talking about how the tutoring's doing."

I could see by Sawyer's tight lips that he was not too happy with the topic.

I feigned ignorance and asked him, "It's going well, isn't it?"

The pause was longer than I intended but eventually he grumbled out a, "Sure."

"Good," Mr. Davies said. As the conversation devolved into what topics we were going to be covering in this week's sessions, I understood that Sawyer's tacit agreement of continuing with the tutoring meant I had another chance to make amends.

I didn't know how to freaking do that.

So I ranted to Courtney and Lina about it enough that they also started getting the nerves. Just before we headed to our respective clubs, we agreed they'd tag along for today's study session with Sawyer and that already made me feel better. I went through the Yearbook meeting without issue, but as soon as it was done the jitters hit me again.

If I'd had more experience screwing up before I'd know how to handle this. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it wasn't like I was ever perfect. I just never cared to apologize for my flaws, because that would mean admitting they were an issue. Something happened in the past three months that made me see that and I wasn't sure how to come to terms.

That was the existential crisis that gripped me by the throat as I sat there next to the subject of my latest mistake. I could hardly focus on the paper I was supposed to be writing, and for lack of anything else to do to appear busy I started drawing on my notebook. It started as lines I traced with my pen, not really minding where it went on the page. Soon I noticed that it was turning into a face, and that the face looked very familiar. I gasped and hugged the notebook against my chest, looking around to see if anyone noticed. Ryan and Courtney were murmuring things to each other that had him blushing as much as she smirked. Lina and Matt were actually working.

I turned to Sawyer and nearly jumped out of my skin. He was looking at me with a definite smirk on his face.

"Was that me?" he asked in a low tone that sent shivers through me.

"No," I lied. Even though the drawing definitely had the deep set of his eyes and the strands of hair falling across them like a careless whisper.

"Really," he drawled, resting his chin on his fist as he continued to look at me in a way that made me feel like a volcano about to explode.

And explode I did. I jumped to my feet and bee lined around our table so I could hide among the shelves. That was where I saw a couple of girls who'd been sitting nearby openly giggle at me. All I could do was wring my notebook like it was someone's neck. That was where my friends found me

"Are you okay?" Lina asked using her best inside voice.

Courtney was not so discrete. "What the hell was that all about? He looked at you like you're tasty enough to eat."

The grimace in her face was telling me she found that thought ridiculous, and in turn irritated me.

"You make it sounds like I'm not," I said, folding my arms.

She rolled her baby blues. "Of course you are. It's just not helping your case, you know."

"I know," I said with a groan. I leaned against the bookshelf and in doing so my notebook fell open. Which meant they saw my drawing right away. I tried to recover my dignity but it was too late. It was actually Lina who moved lightning speed and grabbed it from me. I felt a shriek try to lodge itself out of my throat but I held it back for the sake of not getting kicked out. That meant I was pretty helpless as I watched them inspect the drawing. Finally they looked up and there was pity all over their faces.

"Stop," I hissed.

"Oh, girl," Lina said.

"You got it bad," Courtney added. "I'm sorry."

I gave them a look. "C'mon, this is not a disease."

"Crushes kinda are," my blonde friend said as she put her hand on my shoulder. "You need to decide if you want to nip it in the bud or let it consume you."

"I told you, I already nipped it."

Courtney scrunched up her nose and Lina shook her head slightly.

"It didn't seem like it with the way you were looking at him," Courtney said.

"And now this." Lina pointed at the drawing like it was a crime scene piece. "It shows how much he's in your mind. You only draw the stuff that's driving you crazy."

I looked down and shuffled my feet. They were right and that was already considering they hadn't seen all the doodles of him I had stashed in my closet. Lord, I really had it bad.

I sounded lost as I asked, "What should I do?"

They did that thing again, the one that drove me crazy every time. The glance exchange that told me they could read each other's mind and I was always the odd one out.

"Honestly?" Lina started. "At this point, you really need to follow your heart."

Courtney nodded with some obvious reluctance. "I wish you'd got a crush on someone safer. Like an actor or something."

They linked their arms with mine and pulled me back into the light, where the boys waited for us. Except it was two of them, instead of three. As soon as we got to the table Ryan told us, "He went out for a smoke."

"A smoke?"

That had been loud enough to get the librarian shushing me. I slammed my notebook on the table, facedown, and marched outside. The sound of my stomps kept me company through the hallway and all the way outside. I made it to the parking lot and found his motorbike, but he wasn't next to it like I'd have expected. I racked my brains for a bit, wondering how many hideouts I knew of his. There was the janitor's closet, but I didn't think that was a good smoking spot. Then I remembered the bleachers.

I found him there. He sat on the spotty grass, not caring if his jeans were going to get soiled with dirt. A plume of smoke rose from his face, obscuring it for a quick second as I approached.

In a raspy voice he said, "Hey, princess."

"Don't you princess me," I snapped. He had his legs sprawled out before him and I stepped in between them to bend down and snatch the cancer stick from his lips. I stomped it as hard as I could. I tried to take a few deep, calming breaths to remind myself that I was supposed to apologize. Instead what came out was, "There are better ways to die than with this junk, if that's really your intent."

He closed his eyes and leaned back against the foundation of the bleachers. "What do you want?"

"I want to apologize," I said a lot more forcefully than I should have.

This made him chuckle, but I folded my arms. When he saw that I was trying to be serious he said, "Okay then, apologize for what?"

I was hoping he wouldn't ask and would just take my statement at face value.

Clearly he wanted me to make an effort.

I pursed my lips and narrowed my eyes at his little smile. He didn't have to look so smug about this, as if he'd been expecting it all along. I mumbled something that was pretty incoherent for nothing, because I had to repeat myself.

"I've misjudged you," I said.

"No shit?"

I kicked his foot so that he'd know to shut up and it worked.

I clutched my hands tight and looked at the grass I was scrunching under my feet. This apology had to be more than that. In hindsight there were years between us where I completely saw him as a cartoon of who he was. And that said more about me than it did him. So I lowered myself to sit across from him. It was going to be hard to get my jeans clean afterwards, but whatever. I didn't want to keep looking down at him for this. It felt too much like a metaphor.

"I had no idea what you were going through and I-" I paused there and bit my lip. This was it. "And I just kinda did the same to you."

Sawyer frowned and leaned forward. "What do you mean?"

I traced the callus I had on my middle finger, where I supported my pen as I drew every night. It was a part of me, much like his broken nose was now going to stay a part of him, even if it was healing okay enough.

"I was mean to you forever and I used you for my own benefit." I shrugged, meeting his eye. "And then when things got too complicated, I bailed."

He didn't say anything for the longest time, just looked at me like he hadn't seen me before and was trying to memorize every detail. There was no mischief behind it, yet I felt embarrassed. Like I was naked before his eyes. I picked a grass blade and twirled it in my fingers.

"I'm sorry for that," I mumbled. I couldn't look him in the eye.

"Yeah, it was pretty shitty," he said, clear as day. I winced and put my hand on my face. Then I felt him gently pull it away and when I opened my eyes he was smiling again, eyes shining bright as if his entire face weren't green and blue and the smile didn't give him any pain. One of his eyebrows went up. "And yet, here you are."

I was perplexed at how his fingers entwined with mine like they belonged there. In a daze I said, "Here I am."

"Princess, are you here to stay or is this some sort of stunt?" I looked back up at him. He brushed his hair back with his free hand and shrugged. "You can't blame me for feeling whiplash at your mixed signals."

I spluttered. "Excuse me?"

"You just said it yourself. You kicked me to the curb-"

"I did not."

"But you keep coming back even after I'd already made peace with the fact that you were out of my life." He tilted his head and looked me up and down. "So what gives?"

My mind was blanking and I shook my head. "I don't know, to be honest."

"Hmm," he turned my hand in his much bigger one and inspected the callus in my middle finger. "Are we going to discover this together?"

My heart did a summersault. My eyes went wide like saucers.

The right answer was no, absolutely no freaking way.

And then a terrible thought crept in my head. I had already made my early college applications, so as long as my grades didn't fall why should it matter? Sure, the school was still in the middle of their crazy talk about us, but I couldn't let that narrative define my life. And my friends were going to support me, no matter what. Even if I did something that they didn't precisely like. Toni would have my back no matter what, and she'd also helped break our parents in when it came to pissing them off. Mama couldn't possibly hate Sawyer more than the hard won peace and quiet we'd managed to establish at home after Toni's news.

But one thing held me back.

"I can't be one of your girls, Sawyer," I said and tried to pull back my hand and he didn't let me.

"Since when have you ever been?" He leaned forward and tipped my chin up. I thought he was going to kiss me with the way he was looking at my lips, but he didn't. Instead he said, "Don't you realize I've put you in a pedestal for years?"

I did a double take. "Is that why you call me princess?"

Sawyer smiled. "That and because of your namesake Disney princess."

I sighed.

"I've heard the rumors, Rory." That froze me and he caressed my hand, trying to bring some warmth to it. "And aside from the obvious lies, it's also not true that you're not good enough for me. If anything it's the opposite."

And I could see that he meant it, that he thought he was beneath me. A whole life of dismissiveness from mama and I had drilled that into his skull. But again, he was being a victim of his dad's actions. Mama hated Sawyer for Jack, and I'd always looked down on Sawyer because of that.

A crazy thought occurred to me and I said, "You're right. I'm not good enough for you and you're also not good enough for me."

This earned me a look like I was in the process of growing an extra head. I shrugged.

"We don't know yet, but we might just be good enough for each other. Or not."

He laughed. "Okay, point taken."

Then he leaned forward all the way and kissed me and I melted against him. In my mind I apologized to mama and my friends, who were all going to be so disappointed in me. But if Sawyer was a mistake it was one I had to make. At that second it didn't feel like one.

k but let's see how long this lasts 😌✨