Monday morning arrived in a haze. Toni spent all Sunday giving me a look as if she knew more than I'd have wanted her to, and I had a feeling she was waiting for me to spill the beans as she drove me to school. I didn't. Mostly because there were no beans to spill, really. Or at least there was no use in crying over said spilled beans.

And I did want to cry, but if I allowed myself it'd force me to recognize that there was something wrong when actually things had gone exactly as I intended. There was no way Sawyer would keep bothering me after that. I was free to focus on drafting my college applications. I was free of the feelings he stirred in me every time he looked at me, because that was not going to happen again.

I just didn't want to dwell on this any more than I already had, so by the time Toni parked by the curb I jumped out of the car and all but ran into the confines of the school building, where I hoped the fact that we had completely different classes meant I wouldn't have to see him for hours on end. I was walking down the hallway with this prayer in mind when I was suddenly yanked sideways. In the blur I realized I was being pulled into the girls' restroom that was closest to the freshmen hallway, and I'd been about to start hurling insults when I whirled around and saw Courtney and Lina.

"Oh, it's you, guys."

A freshman girl came out from a stall and washed her hands giving us a wary look. This was well justified as Courtney grabbed her by the shoulders and led her out. Then she closed the door and placed her weight against it to prevent anyone else from entering. That was my second clue that something was up.

"Is it true?" she asked.

I looked at Lina, whose brown, sharp eyes were peering at me like I was an experiment. Since she offered no further explanation, I asked them, "Is what true?"

They exchanged a look. The look. It meant some sort of uh oh for me.

Courtney spared me from further anguish by blurting out, "Is it true you went home with Sawyer Logan after Homecoming?"

I laughed. It was the most ridiculous thing anybody had ever asked me and I'd just been about to dismiss it for the idiocy it was when Lina threw me a curveball.

"Then is it true that you made out with him?"

My laughter ceased and desisted. I didn't know what to say. Yes was probably going to get me killed. No was going to be such a huge lie that the guilt would be reflected on my face. Instead I opened and closed my mouth like a fish out of water, which I guessed was answer enough.

"You did not!" Courtney threw her hands up in the air. Lina put hers on her mouth. I grabbed them both by their arms.

"Were did you hear these things?"

"Everybody's talking about it," my blonde friend said with a heavy sigh. "Everybody but the three of us, because you didn't tell us anything over the weekend to come up with a plan to prevent this."

"Why are you making this sound like it's my fault?" I asked her, hackles definitely raised.

She gave me an are you kidding me look. "If you're admitting that you made out with him it means you were a willing participant. So yes, this was partially your fault."

Lina pushed Courtney behind her and grabbed my shoulders. "What she means to say is that we're hurt you didn't tell us something this momentous."

I cast one last glare at our friend before focusing on Lina. "I didn't know what to say." I cringed at how stupid that sounded. "Or maybe I was embarrassed? I went and did the thing you warned me off from and, ugh. It wasn't like me."

Somebody tried to open the door and the three of us threw our bodies against it until whomever gave up and went away. First period was going to start soon, but none of us moved from that restroom until the girls wrung out the whole story out of me. At this point I admitted that I needed help, or at least to vent. Even though the episode was firmly closed behind me, it really was past time I admitted that there had been one to start with, no matter how short.

"Okay but what are we going to do about these rumors?" Courtney scratched the top of her head. "People are saying really horrible things, you know."

A shiver wracked my spine. It'd been a painful truth when I'd told him I shouldn't be seen around him and this confirmed that I'd made the right decision by choosing my reputation over him.

"She could just ignore them," Lina suggested. "I'm sure someone will do something crazy soon that will remove the spotlight from Rory."

"And Sawyer?" I asked, frowning. "Surely the spotlight is not just on me."

The pity in their faces said it all.

"Of course," I mumbled, my body trembling with rage at the double standard. "I bet in the rumors he appears as the innocent victim and I tricked him into locking himself with me in a secluded place so I could seduce the pants off of him."

Courtney grimaced. "Something like that."

"You're kidding me!" I threw my hands up in the air.

"We could deflect?" Lina asked, looking from Courtney to me and back. "We could talk to the guys and tell them to spread counter rumors. Say how the three of us spent the night together watching movies or something."

"Not bad, it could work. God knows the baseball boys are more gossipy than us girls." Courtney's narrowed eyes turned to me. "But what about your tutoring him? People will continue to see you both together and make wrong assumptions."

My tote bag hung at my side and I gave it a gentle kick as I said, "That won't happen anymore. He kind of fired me from being his tutor."

"Oh, cool," she said.

I gave her a look. "Not cool, I essentially kissed my recommendation letter goodbye."

Lina leaned forward with a glint in her eye. "Well, was it at least a good kiss?"

I spluttered.

Good didn't do it justice. It had been earth shattering. It realigned the planets and cured global warming—if only because it concentrated it solely on my body. While I'd been in his arms, with our mouths fused together and our hands gripping our bodies hard, I'd felt as if I was being consumed by a fire that turned me into liquid. I had felt transformed, like when I was creating art, but we were each others' canvases. And the second I knew it was never going to happen again I felt the loss like a phantom limb.

All I could do was nod. They clearly wanted details, but I was not ready to wax poetry about that kiss with them. It was hard enough to do it in the privacy of my mind.

"Well," Courtney casually said. "I hope Ryan keeps his mouth shut about where I really was after Homecoming."

We looked at her and asked her where she'd been. She grinned.

"I was on my knees pretty much the whole night, one way or another."

"Oh my God," I whispered. Lina threw her head back and laughed.

I honestly thought that if people were going to talk about me today it was going to be for the awesome backdrop painting that I worked on like a horse for a week. Or maybe even the fact that it was me who secured Casual Friday Funeral for the dance. Yet we spent all Monday putting out counter rumors and hoping that they stuck. Of course, they were more boring than the crazy things that people were saying, so it became an uphill struggle.

Tuesday just before lunch I was called in to Mr. Davies' office with no warning other than a voice through the loudspeakers. On the way out of my classroom I fretted about it. If the rumors had got to him he was going to be so disappointed. I'd spent almost four years being the perfect student only to screw it all up last minute. When I knocked on his door I was sweating bullets.

"Come in," I heard his muffled voice and shouldered the door open. He was on the phone and motioned for me to take a seat. I waited for a minute until he cut off the call with a frown. Mr. Davies plopped on his seat with a sigh and rubbed his eyes as though we were in the middle of Thursday afternoon instead.

"Um, you wanted to see me?" I reminded him when it didn't seem like he realized I was still there.

"Yes," he said, dragging the word like he was waking up from a dream. "It's just that Sawyer's MIA."

I did a double take.

"Say what?"

"Well, he hasn't been to school so far this week," he said, shedding some more light on absolutely nothing. "I was wondering if you know what's going on."

My first reaction was to blurt out, "Why would I?"

His eyebrows went up. "Well, didn't you find it strange when he didn't show up yesterday for your tutoring session?"

My second reaction was to sink farther into my seat. I mumbled something, and when he asked me to repeat myself I told him the truth. Or part of it. Which was that Sawyer didn't want me to be his tutor anymore.

"What? Why?" he asked, and I should've expected that reaction.

I just shrugged and said, "I guess I was too hard on him."

In a way, it wasn't a lie.

"I thought we had a deal." More than disappointment, there was confusion on his face. The former would hit him, sooner or later. I felt heat rush up my throat and the tears that hadn't fallen yesterday as I told my best friends the story were now threatening to spill. "I need your help to get him on track, Rory."

"But why me?" I said with a trembling voice. "Why can't it be, I don't know, Trevor? He's a good student too."

"Because Sawyer needs tough love," he said like this was the most obvious thing. "Everybody around here treats him like a celebrity, yet I've never seen you treat him with kid gloves. It's why I paired you up."

The idea that he'd done this to benefit Sawyer with my help hadn't stuck to my head anywhere near as much as the fact that I believed we were doing this solely for me. I felt ashamed all of a sudden, and even more so when I realized how easily I had dismissed the importance of this tutoring for Sawyer's future. I thought this was just something I had to endure, and not something that ultimately would have a positive impact on him as well.

"You've never seen me treat him with kid gloves?" I repeated and he shook his head.

At least that meant he hadn't caught whiff of the rumors.

"Coach O'Hare didn't see him this morning and nobody else in staff has seen him in attendance," he mused aloud, looking at his desk phone. "And I just called him and his dad and they're not picking up. I'm worried."

"I'm sure he's fine," I said, not really knowing but hoping so. Sawyer regularly got in trouble and this was likely no different.

"I know he works at your dad's shop. Could you find out if he knows where the boy might be?"

I pursed my lips. Papa had no way of knowing if Sawyer hadn't reported to work at all, and it wasn't like Jack Logan worked for him any longer. But maybe Manny did. He and Sawyer were the best of friends.

I appeared all casual and cool and not at all jittery like I felt on the inside as I pulled out my cellphone and shot Manny a text. The lunch period bell went off as I waited for a reply back and since it wasn't coming quickly enough I promised Mr. Davies I'd let him know as soon as I heard something back. That agreed, he let me join the throngs of students heading to the cafeteria.

I had already joined my friends and was well into my lunch when Manny responded with, idk he's not responding it's weird.

I reread the last two words several times and I had to confess that Ryan and Courtney distracted me for a second with their excessive PDA. Eventually I did reply to Manny to let me know if he heard from Sawyer, and I considered that my duty was done for the day and put the matter off my mind. I spent Wednesday pretending that everything was peachy keen, that no rumors existed, that I had nothing to do with Sawyer Logan, and that everything was normal. I even managed to get halfway through the first draft of my early college applications.

Then Thursday morning came, and still no one could account for Sawyer Logan. Not the school, not his best friend at work, and certainly not his dad.

It's weird, Manny's words echoed in my head. It wasn't like I'd ever known Sawyer's comings and goings, but if even his best friend at work didn't know then there was something up. I tried to tell myself this had nothing to do with me, that I had best stay away. After all I'd given him a pretty definite ultimatum and it was probably not going to help my cause if I suddenly took back my word just to see if he was pitching a tantrum. But I had a sinking feeling in my stomach that this really wasn't normal. I'd known him to skip class or a day here or there, but never a near full week of school.

I didn't want to get any questions, so I grabbed an Uber from school and went over to the Logans in the middle of the school day. I almost had a full blown panic attack as the driver took me to the rundown house. In less than a week I'd done two things I never thought I'd do, make a piece of art publicly and ditch class, and both were Sawyer's fault.

I took a deep breath and knocked on his front door.

Nothing.

I knocked again. Cars went by. Birds chirped. The clouds carried by the wind cast shadows that came and went over me. I backtracked out of the porch and looked around. There didn't seem to be anyone minding my business, so I walked around the house through the weeds and debris on the yard, squeezing myself through the opening of a shabby chainlink fence until I found Sawyer's bedroom window by the side of the house. I wiped the glass pane with the bottom of my t-shirt to bring my ear closer to it without risking the germs. I didn't know if I'd been expecting anything special, but I was still disappointed when there was no sound. I took my phone from my tote bag and dialed Sawyer's number again.

Then I heard it, ringing from inside.

Careful not to get the cops called on me, I knocked on his window and this time I heard a groan. I froze, trying to understand what kind of groan it was. Was that the good kind, the one that maybe meant he had a girl in there, or was that the bad kind?

"Sawyer?" I asked. No answer. "I know you're there, open up."

The groan came again, and this time I was sure it wasn't good. I stepped back and looked at the window. It didn't look top notch, and if it wasn't latched from the inside I could probably pry it open with some force. I applied myself to it, wondering all the while just what the heck I was doing there, but propelled by worry I couldn't explain I powered through and got the window open.

What I saw inside made my heart jump from my throat.

me on ✨ my birthday ✨ making this update vs. y'all in the background: