**Amanda**

If Sex In The City was a TV show about four single gals getting together on their computers to talk about work, books and sex--then Amanda and her Wattpad friends would be quite similar to the famous NYC quartet. But that's not what the famous TV show was about. Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte were friends in the physical world of New York City. Amanda, Mona, Geri and Jeannie's friendship existed somewhere between four laptops and the internet--wherever that was.

Despite not being exciting enough for HBO, the four Wattpad gal pals made the best of what they had to work with. Unlike Sex In The City with designer fashions and stiletto heels, Amanda and her friends dressed in pajama bottoms and worn out t-shirts--a pair of cozy socks to match or not match their ensembles. Except Mona. Mona opted for silky, lacy and skimpy.

Instead of telling tales about hot men plucked off the city streets and wrestled with between the sheets, Amanda and her friends discussed the handsome leads they read about online while snuggled alone in their beds. Except Mona. Mona typically never went to bed alone, but she got lots of reading done during sex when the love making wasn't up to her lofty standards.

"Where did I put it?" Amanda rose up on her tiptoes to shuffle through the alcohol bottles on a top shelf in her kitchen. "Ahh--there you are my pretty!" Pulling a bottle of wine from the cupboard, she glanced at a clock. "Shit! Almost 8! Where's my glass?"

Amanda searched the kitchen frantically for a wine goblet handcrafted by Jeannie, a single mother from the east coast obsessed with Pinterest. "Where is it, Winnie?"

Amanda's dilute calico looked up at her and meowed--more interested in the empty cat dish than the location of a special Friday night wine glass. Shuffling through a few items in a drying rack next to the sink, Amanda's eyes lit up. "There you are!"

Holding a glass goblet painted with the words WATTDRUNK FRIDAYS in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other, Amanda shimmied her way into a chair at a tiny kitchen table. Her laptop was open and ready for the night's scheduled gathering. The only thing she needed to do was pop the cork on the bottle of wine and start drinking. This was one of the requirements for Wattdrunk Fridays. Everyone needed to drink a whole bottle of wine as they chatted online in the forums, aka Wattpad Clubs.

Amanda filled her glass to the brim and took a huge swig out of the bottle. With mouse in hand, she began clicking her way to a semi-private forum on Wattpad known as The Hub. She scrolled through The Hub's list of links until she found a thread called WINE AND WHINING FIXES EVERTHING.

"Hellooooo, ladies," she whispered to herself as she clicked on the link.

[[Amanda types & posts] I'm here--finally! You need to cheer me up, sistahs. Too many first world problems happening in my life right now. Only 8 votes on my newest story (thanks to you, ladies!), not a single reason to shave my legs for the last 12 months and some 67-year-old man keeps sending me messages multiple times a day on OKCupid asking if I'm DTF.]

[[Jeannie] @.YoDaBestR2D2 Are you using the Wattdrunk glass I sent you? What does DTF mean?]

[[Geri] @.FadedMomJeans Didn't you read Amanda's latest blog entry?
@.YoDaBestR2D2 Honey--fill that Wattdrunk glass up to the rim. Maybe when the bottle is empty that 67-year-old will look--64? Maybe he's senile? Is that why he's sending you so many messages? You should tell him you've already had sex with him and it was awful, then maybe he'll remove you from his list. Ha!]

[[Amanda types & posts] @.FadedMomJeans Yes! I'm using the glass right now. You're so artistically amazing! I love you, Lady. Muah!
@.GeriatricAt40 Trust me! My glass is so full right now, I can't even pick it up without spilling. I'm licking out of it like a dog.]

[[Mona] @.YoDaBestR2D2 Woman!!!! You dried my panties up! 67?
Find yourself a younger man. I'm currently having sex with a 25-year-old. Let me tell you--the muscles in his backside are so much stronger than an older man's. Steel asses keep going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going. Much better for your health.]

[[Geri] @.YoDaBestR2D2 I honestly think you should give some of those computer programmers a chance. They can't ALL be like your ex-husband--or his coworkers. And what was so awful about hikers? I didn't understand that part.
@.SexyInSpanxxx When you say "currently" having sex, that doesn't mean right now--does it?
@.FadedMomJeans Aren't you a moderator? Shouldn't you be chaperoning Mona? Ha!]

[[Jeannie] @.GeriatricAt40 My chaperoning skills aren't as sharp when I'm drinking wine. I'm a lonely single mom. I need to live vicariously through someone or I might shrivel up and die. I'll edit the comments after we've had a chance to read them.]

[[Mona] @.all Thomas says hi!!! He's also saying MOANaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!]

Amanda snickered. This was exactly what she needed at this moment in her life--a friend who understood her loneliness, a practical friend with realistic advice and a friend who brightened the gray mood with colorful commentary.

It was also nice to have wine--lots of wine.

[[Amanda types & DELETES] @.GeriatricAt40 Regarding avid hikers: It's a lifestyle preference thing. I'm more wired to be a hotel-ho than a tent-tramp. And you're telling me to hook up with a computer programmer? If they need a GPS signal to find their way out of a parking lot, they definitely need GPS to find their way around a woman.]

Amanda shook her head and immediately deleted her comment without posting it. "Rude," she whispered to herself. "It's not like you're a porn star in the sack or anything. If anyone needs sexual GPS--it's you."

[[Mona] @.GeriatricAt40 I didn't think it was possible, but my panties are drier now! Sex with a computer programmer? You know they have sex apps on their phones to find their way around a woman, right? Trust me. I've seen it with my own eyes. Don't listen to her Amanda! Make another choice! Your lady parts will forever thank you!]

Amanda giggled, petting Winnie's soft fur as she purred in her lap. "My mind gets more like Mona's every day. This makes me happy."

With every sip of wine, Wattdrunk Friday seemed more and more like a physical reality. The laptop seemed to fade into the background as friendships surfaced to the foreground of Amanda's thoughts. It was almost as though her friends were sitting with her in the kitchen at the tiny square table. In fact, Amanda could imagine it clear as day in her mind's eye. Jeannie to her right. Geri to her left. Mona directly across from her on the other side of the table-- clothed and without Thomas.

"I wasn't entirely honest in my blog post. You know? That list of available OKCupid guys?" Amanda paused for a beat, then added, "Most of the men searching for relationships in Seattle are in a fifth group."

"Remind me. What was the list again?" Geri questioned.

"DTF'ers. Avid hikers. Computer programmers. Ethical non-monogamous whatevers. And--."

Mona clapped her hands together excitedly. "Oooo! Number five. I'm gonna choose what's behind door number five!"

Amanda shook her head, eyes fixed on the table. "The fifth group--the majority of single men--don't want me. I'm filtered out of their searches before the dating game even starts."

Jeannie reached out and put her hand over Amanda's. "I'm sure that isn't the case. You're wonderful."

"What were her other choices?" Mona whispered to Geri.

"Have you tried to make the first move?" Geri asked. "From what I understand, guys love it when a woman makes the first move."

"74 times." Amanda picked up her glass and chugged till the wine disappeared. "I've sent 74 messages. Not one success story."

Geri squirmed in her chair. "I'm sure you're exaggerating."

Feeling a buzz, Amanda both giggled and held back tears. "Nope. Definitely 74." She pointed to a piece of paper taped to her laptop with 74 tally marks on it. "Some were gentlemanly and replied with things like, 'You seem like an incredible woman, but I don't want to waste your time and pretend like I'm interested. Best of luck in your search.' Most, however, didn't answer back at all."

Geri picked up Amanda's wine bottle and refilled her glass. "It's times like these when I'm thankful I'm asexual. I can't imagine someone else holding so much power over my happiness." Geri paused for a moment and glanced across the table. "Jeannie might be equipped with better advice than me."

Waving both palms in the air and laughing awkwardly, Jeannie replied, "I've got nothing. I'm just over here relating hard to Amanda's situation--hoping someone else has advice we both can use."

Everyone at the table turned their attention towards Mona. She wiggled as though salsa dancing with her chair. "Have you tried bars at closing time? Very little rejection."

"How do you know you're being filtered out of their searches?" Jeannie asked.

"You can see what type of women they're searching for on their profiles." With an open palm, Amanda motioned around the perimeter of her body like a gameshow hostess. "This isn't the right shape or age that's popular with the fellas."

"You wouldn't want a superficial jerk anyway," Geri said. "Maybe being filtered out of their searches is doing you a favor?"

"But I'm a personality girl!" Amanda argued. "Personality girls don't do well in the online--virtual--internet--whatever world, especially when it comes to dating. At least in the physical world my personality has the opportunity to spotlight the best parts of who I am--even if my appearance doesn't make it through the first filter. But that's not how the virtual world works. If you don't make it through the first filter--there's no second chances."

"Tell me again why avid hikers are in the 'no' pile," Geri said.

Amanda shrugged her shoulders. "The key word is 'avid.' I have nothing against hikers--I like hiking every once in a while--I just wouldn't fit into an avid hiker's insanely active lifestyle."

"I remember now," Jeannie injected. "We talked about this. Your ex was both a computer nerd and an insanely avid hiker."

"It was his equation for perfect balance," Amanda said, taking a sip of wine. "Cyborg at work, then experiencing 'this thing called nature' on the mountain. If only I could've been inserted somewhere between the two."

Geri rubbed her temple as though thinking. "Okay--throw out the avid hiker, DTF and non-monogamous groups. I get it. You're not on the same lifestyle pages. There has to be some common ground when it comes to lifestyles or the relationship is doomed from the start."

"And throw out uninterested group five," Amanda mumbled.

"People always think they can change someone's lifestyle," Jeannie added, sipping her wine aggressively. "Those happily-ever-afters are short-lived."

"No," Mona whined in a drawn-out squeak. "Only the computer programmers are left! Tell me this--why do computer guys always try to work movie quotes into conversations, anyway? Talk about a weapon of sex destruction."

"Don't forget their vast collections of Star Wars figurines," Jeannie added. "Or weird obsessions with quirky bands--like Barenaked Ladies."

"Maybe it's because I don't totally understand the forces of romance," Geri admitted, "but I'm going to say it anyway--it seems like the obvious is just hanging in the air." The others stared at Geri, patiently waiting for her response. "Computer programming is a job, not a personality. Aren't you unfairly filtering these programmers out in the same superficial ways 'group five' filtered you out?"

Amanda emptied the remains of her bottle into her glass. With goblet in hand, she crossed her arms over her body. "Maybe," she whispered.

"Do the DTF'ers have steel asses?" Mona asked, her eyes darting back and forth between Jeannie and Geri.

Amanda rested the back of her head on the chair. "I'm not wired to be a smut novel, Mona. I'm a sweet romance novel--and sometimes I hate it. I wish I could switch my setting to 'mature content' and just not care about the fact there's no storyline in my life."

"Speaking of which," Jeannie piped in. "I noticed your snake and caterpillar story was flagged as mature. What's that all about?"

Amanda sat up straight in her chair. "What are you talking about?"

"Snake and caterpillar?" Mona questioned. "I could read that story to a kindergarten class while riding Thomas like a naked cowgirl and it still wouldn't be a mature story."

Amanda, Jeannie and Geri stared at Mona for a moment in silence, mouths slightly ajar. "Please let me know if you're going to volunteer to read in my kid's class," Jeannie said.

Geri, Jeannie and Mona slowly faded from the table as Amanda reached for her laptop.

[[Geri] @.YoDaBestR2D2 I bet it's a glitch. Or... you might've accidentally switched it while you were doing something else.]

[[Jeannie] @.YoDaBestR2D2 I was going to say what Geri said. I bet that's what happened.]

Amanda clicked on the 'create' tab on Wattpad to check the settings of her online story. Sure enough, her sweet little poem about hopes and dreams was flagged as mature. When she tried to reverse the setting, nothing happened.

[[Amanda types & posts] @.all That's so weird. It's stuck in mature. I can't switch it back.]

[[Geri] @.YoDaBestR2D2 Make a ticket for it and have someone give it a look. It's HAS to be a glitch.]

[[Mona] @.YoDaBestR2D2 It is a story about a BIG, LONG, STRONG snake who likes to make slaves out of others. Sounds a little kinky to me.]

[[Amanda types & posts] @.GeriatricAt40 I'll make a ticket as soon as we're done here.
@.SexyInSpanxxx I just spit wine all over myself. That's hilarious!]

[[Jeannie] @.all I spit wine all over myself, too. Thanks a lot, Mona!!! I'm so happy I found you ladies. I know I say that all the time, but I really mean it. You don't know how much I need these laughs--and someone to drink wine with.
Now--off to edit all of Mona's posts before anyone else sees them...]

[[Geri] @.YoDaBestR2D2 When you have a computer programmer look into your glitch, you should ask if he's single (wink, wink). Ha!]

[[Amanda types & posts] @.GeriatricAt40 I'm pretty sure the programmers aren't the ones communicating with people about tickets. Surely they have some sort of costumer representative doing that. Otherwise... Hahaha!]

[[Mona] @.YoDaBestR2D2 I like where Geri's going!!! If the computer programmer is the big, strong snake--you could be his datapillar slave.]

[[Amanda types & posts] @.all And on that note... LOL!]

[[Mona] @.all My wine gone.]