I'm sorry for the wait I've been absolutely swamped at school! I hope you enjoy!

L

***

The next morning I awake to a familiar presence. As my eyelids slowly rise and I take in my surroundings, I find it's morning- although I can tell it's still very early from the weak light just managing to push through the thin material of the curtains. However, I don't pay the light much attention.

Instead, I focus upon the heavy arm draped around my waist and the firm body pressed to mine from behind. For a moment, I'm confused. Who the hell is in bed with me? I can't seem to remember, and the feeling of lying with someone in bed like this is completely foreign to me. I've never let a hookup stay at my house overnight, much less been held in such a way before.

My disorientation continues for a split second before I glance down at the limb protectively guarding my stomach. I see tattoos- a lot of them- and suddenly I remember. I remember everything. Harry is in bed with me.

I try to shift around to face him, but find my twin bed is too small to make such a manoeuvre. I settle for watching his hand rise and fall with my every breath, and the steady movements of his chest against my back. He's really here, I'm not dreaming, and I don't know exactly how to feel.

I find, to my great dismay, that I slept more soundly last night than I have in years. Usually I'm awoken by nightmares multiple times a night, or restlessly shift for hours on end before finally falling unconscious. Last night, none of these hindrances occurred. Instead I feel relaxed, rested, and safe. This bodes well for Harry- it proves that at least my body likes having him around, but what about my mind? I recall all the information he revealed last night. It appears, for the time being, that Harry did not lie to me about seeing the other women. However, he has entrusted the security of our relationship to a producer, who at any moment could expose our affair and have me kicked off the show and publicly shamed. How can I trust him knowing he believes our secret will lay safe with the enemy?

I sigh and realize that Harry can't stay in this room for much longer. To be honest, I'm surprised he still remains even now. If any girls were to walk in and catch him, the show would be over. I wonder at how he will even leave the apartment without being spotted.

All of the sudden I feel uncomfortable in his arms. Just a second ago I felt more secure than ever before, but now with all of last nights conflicts present once again in my mind, I need time away from Harry to determine my exact feelings.

I reach my hand up and grab Harry's arm, shaking it lightly.

"Harry?" I half question-half whisper. I don't want any other women hearing me. It takes a few seconds, but eventually I hear a low groan from Harry and he's sucking in a sharp breath.

"Mornin'." He coo's into my ear, tightening his grip around me. I guess that he must think that since I let him sleep with me, I've completely forgiven him. Sure, I'm not mad anymore, but I seriously doubt his judgement skills and have no idea if I should trust him.

"Good morning." I respond, attempting to sound warm but failing to mask the curtness beneath my tone. My thoughts seem to be transferring to my voice, but the last thing I need right now is another fight with Harry.

"How'd you sleep?" Harry croaks, seeming to nestle further into me instead of getting up out of bed. My body yearns for him to remain, but my mind knows he must go before he's caught.

"Fine." I lie. I'm definitely not going to tell him that I slept wonderfully. Not right now. He'll get the wrong impression. Harry seems to pull away at my passive response, but does not remove his arm.

"I slept great, thanks for asking..." He mumbles after a few seconds pass between us with no dialogue. I feel bad that I'm currently offending him, but I have more pressing matters on my mind- more specifically: how the hell Harry is going to escape this apartment without being spotted.

"Don't you think you should leave soon?" I ask Harry, turning around to look at him as I do so. I find that a small amount of hurt transpires behind his eyes and soon he's swiftly removed himself from around me and is standing beside the bed.

"If you want me to leave..." He grumbles, glancing down to the floor nervously, shuffling his feet.

"I- I don't want you to leave. I just don't want you to get caught." I half lie as I look him up and down. His hair is strewn haphazardly across his head, still ruffled from his good night's sleep.

"I'll leave..." Harry murmurs sheepishly, not wasting any time as he stalks across the room to my door. I sit up frantically as his hand connects with the knob.

"You don't know who's out there!" I exclaim, gesturing wildly towards the door. How could he be so stupid?

"Charlotte, I told you not to worry about these things." Harry reminds me and I roll my eyes.

"Oh, yeah." I respond sarcastically, attempting to hide my true feelings. With the new information Harry has given me, I only have more cause to worry, not less, but I won't tell him that. I don't think he can handle anymore cruelty on my part. He needs to have at least one reason to keep me around, and right now I'm not doing too well for myself.

"I'll, um... I'll see you tonight." Harry says, almost hopefully, posing it as more of a question than anything. I feel as though he's waiting for confirmation on my part- that I actually will show up tonight at the rose ceremony. I'm sure he's feeling uneasy about what I might do next- for all he knows, I could pick up and leave as soon as he walks through my bedroom door.

However, instead of subjecting him to anymore insensitivity, I just nod awkwardly, force out a half smile, and watch as he steps through the entrance and exits. I can't believe the night I've just had.

What am I supposed to think? Obviously I can't be mad at Harry anymore- he's proven his innocence and subjected me to humility. I refused to believe him, even though he was telling the truth. I'd think that by this point in our... relationship, I would at least have the decency to bestow a tiny bit of trust in him. Obviously not. Maybe Harry is more truthful than I originally considered him to be.

Or maybe not. Who knows. This could have been a special instance where Astrid happened to force him into something. I don't know if he's been seeing other girls behind the scenes on other occassions.

Technically, I have no right to get mad if he's seeing the other girls. The only right I have is from the fact that Harry has promised me that he isn't. If his allegations turned out to be false, I could claim hurt, but otherwise...

I sigh at the confusion I feel. I want to forgive Harry- I had no reason to be mad with him in the first place- but I don't know if I should. I feel as though I've encountered this very same problem multiple times before. Do I choose to trust Harry and put myself in possibly even more danger of getting hurt than before, or stay distant and risk losing my place on the show?

Before this entire mess happened and Harry and I were getting along, I was starting to have feelings that I never had before. I thought about it yesterday, but now having Harry stay with me through the night has opened up a whole other box of questions.

How come I slept so well last night? How come, even though I shouldn't have, I felt warmth invade my body at just Harry's touch? How could I have been so upset when I found out he was seeing Astrid unless I was feeling something... real. Something genuine and honest and pure- something I've never encountered before.

I must have felt such deep rage when I discovered Harry and Astrid because my feelings had finally come to fruition, and I'd realized just how deep down the rabbit hole I've fallen. The fact that I was so upset just made me... more upset. I don't like that Harry has the ability to do that to me- and that's where the problem arises: Do I allow Harry to continue to hold this power over me, or do I ensure that I never feel as poorly as I did just yesterday? I can't choose. Is the feeling that I get when I'm with Harry on good terms worth the feeling I get when we fight?

I groan and pull the covers of my bedsheets over my head, attempting to flee my thoughts and escape to a world where I no longer have to deal with my problems- it doesn't work.

After a few more minutes I reckon it's safe to leave my bedroom and gage the situation. If the other girls discovered Harry, or have been told by someone about Harry and I, then I will know as soon as I leave this room.

I lazily rise, comb through my hair halfheartedly, and exit. I tentatively pad down the hall to the kitchen, where I already hear soft chatter... How long have these women been up? Long enough to witness Harry escaping the apartment?

I sigh anxiously and finally reach the entrance to the kitchen. 3 girls are sat at the island eating their breakfast and chattering, seemingly harmlessly. They don't look upset or confused.

I carefully walk in and stand across from Amber, Christie, and Astrid.

Amber and Christie both greet me with a smile and a cheerful 'good morning!'. Astrid makes no comment to acknowledge my presence. I follow suit and only address the two women who seem to like me. What has got Astrid in such a bad mood? Besides her general dislike of me, this is uncharacteristic. Yesterday she was all too eager to chat and rub in my face the fact that Harry and her had private time at his apartment. Does she know something she shouldn't? How could she have any idea about Harry and I if the other girls don't? And if she does, what's keeping her from telling?

"How was dinner last night?" I question both Christie and Amber kindly, hoping to strike up a conversation and prevent any awkwardness from ensuing.

"Oh, it was great! We went down to this, like, amazing French restaurant and there was, like, so much to eat!" Amber exclaims and I nod along, pretending to be interested. Why must she speak with so many 'likes'?

"Sounds good." I humour her and she beams proudly. Christie nods along in agreement.

"Why didn't you come?" Astrid finally pipes up, staring down at the island instead of me. I'm taken aback by her question, but quickly execute a lie. I knew this would come up at some point today.

"I wasn't feeling very well yesterday... seem to have slept it off, though." I excuse myself. Christie and Amber offer their apologies, but Astrid makes no response except a quick roll of her eyes. She definitely knows that Harry stayed with me last night... but how?

Does her 'connection' to Luke, the producer, have anything to do with it? I hope not. If she can force this information out of Luke, what else could she force him to reveal? Things about Harry and I's previous activities... things about my past? Luke and the rest of the producers surely know my old profession, what if Astrid was somehow able to wring that information out of him, too? I'd absolutely be sent home.

I elect to ignore this fact for the time being and just attempt to get through this morning, I have a feeling that Astrid will continue to shoot me dirty glances for as long as I reside within the kitchen.

I make more small talk for a couple minutes, fix myself a quick breakfast, and finally evacuate the painful situation. Astrid does not seem to care if she makes things awkward, and I can tell she's really pissed off this time. What right does she have to be mad? Is she upset that her conniving plan didn't work out and Harry chose me instead? She should be pissed off...

***

Once we've all sufficiently dressed to the producers tastes, we're on our way to the rose ceremony. Apparently our own hotel was not good enough for the filming of the event to take place within, so now we're being transported to a more luxurious spot. I find the ride passes quickly as my thoughts become consumed by Harry. How will he act tonight?

He seemed offended by my abrupt dismissal this morning, but then straight after appeared hopeful I would make an appearance at the rose ceremony- like I have a choice. Harry may be cold and withdrawn tonight, or eager and loving- he doesn't really have another setting. It seems that whenever I am with Harry either he hates me or he loves me- there's no in between.

I hope for the best. Although I still don't know if I can trust him, I find myself, even now, yearning for his company. Even if I am still sort of mad at him, I can't deny that I like to be in his presence, especially now that I know he likely did not lie to me regarding Astrid and the other women.

We reach a hotel I don't catch the name of and are ushered inside past all the awestruck guests. I'm assuming they don't see 13 girls in cocktail dresses surrounded by large cameras walking by every day.

We board a small elevator in groups and are lifted to the top floor, exiting onto a terrace surrounded by all kinds of greenery. The noise from the street below is still audible, but is present as more of a background noise than a nuisance. Several couches are strewn across the large roof and illuminated by random candles here or there. It's lovely.

I immediately perk up at the site of our setting, and consider that even if tonight goes horribly and I'm booted off the show, at least I will have this experience to recall when I'm living out my miserable life back in New York once again.

All the girls take in the spectacular view, for once seeming to appreciate it as much as I do. This also improves my mood- maybe some of these girls aren't as bad as I originally thought...

What is wrong with me? A month ago I was the biggest pessimist a single person could ever come across, but something has changed inside of me... I don't know exactly what, but it scares me.

I push the thought from my mind and tentatively cross the roof to the couches, Tanya and Kiana on either of my sides. I'm afraid if I proceed too quickly I'll miss some extravagant detail on the roof, and I definitely would not like that.

Once I'm satisfied with my observations I take a seat and examine my surroundings, this time not for the decorations, but for Harry. I'm anxious to see him. Have I ruined our relationship once and for all? Do I still even want a relationship? I don't know. I hoped that tonight would clear up all confusion I felt within my mind, but as the rose ceremony inches closer and closer, I feel as disoriented as ever.

I have already been given a rose this week, so technically I'm insured to stay through the rose ceremony- except I know that's not how the show works. No one is ever 100% safe. If Harry feels like it, he could revoke my 'safety net' on the drop of a dime and send me packing. Would I be upset by that? I wouldn't have been a month ago- only disappointed at the fact that I would be getting no pay check. Now, I'm not so sure.

I think about heading back to New York, to my tiny apartment and shitty job. Sure, that prospect is depressing, but I find the thing I'm most afraid of is never seeing Harry again...

What is wrong with me?

I sigh and my brows crease as we're forced to wait for another 10 uncomfortable minutes. I don't have the strength to make conversation with the other women, my mind too preoccupied with 'what if's'.

Finally, finally, Harry is ushered out by a sole producer and the camera's rise. Although I saw him only this morning, I feel as though an entire week has passed in the span of time we've been separated. This is odd, especially considering the fact that I didn't even want to be in Harry's company only 12 hours ago.

Nonetheless, I force a smile for the cameras, although I can't tell if it's entirely artificial, and watch Harry intently. I don't let my gaze shift, and I scan him desperately for any sign of how he's going to act tonight. I don't know if I can stand anymore conflict between him and I, even though I start it myself half the time.

Harry affords me a small smile as his gaze passes over the entire group. At least he's not blatantly ignoring me. This is a good sign. I shift from my place on the edge of my seat, relaxing just a little bit now that Harry has granted me some sort of validation, even if it is nearly non-existent.

"Hello, everyone! This week in Paris has been absolutely amazing, and I loved spending my time here with all of you. Tonight I'm going to be making some hard decisions, but I'm also going to continue my relationship with 10 more of you, so cheers!" Harry executes his scripted speech before raising a glass of wine I didn't notice before. All the girls clap and smile broadly at him, including Astrid.

I smile and clap once or twice, but don't bother with much else. I'm too busy overanalyzing things in my head to appear happier than I'm already trying to.

Immediately, Vanessa has pulled him off around a corner where the rest of us won't be able to see them. I can't tell if I would rather talk to Harry now and get the action over with, or put it off for as long as possible. I decide, as per usual, to avoid my problems instead of facing them head on like an adult. Taking responsibly for my actions would just be ridiculous...

I sit for an hour, painfully restricting my intake of alcohol. I know I have to be on my best behaviour tonight if I want to stick around, and need to keep a clear head if I have any chance of besting my confusion. Not only does Harry need to decide if he wants to keep me, but I need to decide if it's worth it to stay on this TV show.

Although I spotted the bar almost as soon as I entered the roof, I know that the intake of my usual pacifier will not be helpful tonight. However, the women sitting around me are beginning to get on my nerves. Their cheerful chatter and optimistic opinions are completely contradicting my thoughts, and it's annoying me how they can be feeling so well when I'm feeling so utterly torn. It looks like my appreciation for them was short lived.

Even Tanya and Kiana, who's company I usually enjoy, are pushing my limits. For this reason, I elect to rise and head off to the bar anyway. I'm not going to order a drink, but the women don't have to know that.

As I arrive I shoot the bartender a small smile and take a seat atop a tall stool. I have been in this position many a time before, but this instance feels different. Firstly, I don't have alcohol to numb my inner turmoil, and secondly, I've never felt so... alone while on this show. Besides last night, I don't think I've ever particularly craved the company of someone I can tolerate, but now the urge is strong. I consider my options. Sure, I wouldn't mind if some of my friends in New York had accompanied me to Paris, but it seems the person's company I'm missing most is Harry's. If I disregard all the fights and misunderstandings, the time that Harry and I spent together in Paris has been some of the happiest of the past few years of my life. Is this the only reason I seem to like Harry so much? Because he's a silver lining in the otherwise dark and cloudy life I usually lead?

My prayers seem to be answered as someone takes a seat next to me and I swivel quickly. Instead of another woman, I find harry accompanied by 3 different camera's, now filming us from 3 distinct angles.

"Harry!" I exclaim, the happiness a little less fake than I would like. Harry smiles widely at my seemingly genuine reaction, and my heart warms just a bit- at least he doesn't hate me. If he felt at all similar to the other day, he wouldn't have come over and started a conversation with me in the first place.

"I saw you sitting over here all alone and though you could use some company..." Harry trails off sheepishly, and I force a smile for the camera's. The initial shock of seeing Harry has worn off, and although I crave his company, I still have too much to sort out to forgive him completely.

"Well, thank you very much." I bat my eyelashes and afford him a sultry smile. He leans in and presses his lips to mine quickly before pulling away. There seems to be genuine happiness in his eyes, and I can tell he most likely thinks that everything between us has been resolved. Has it?

"How come you aren't with the others?" Harry questions and I take a moment to decide how I'm supposed to answer this question. Obviously I can't confess the truth and let him, and the rest of America know, that I find the 12 other women insufferable.

"I just needed some time alone to think." I admit a sort of truth. Technically, I'm not lying. I did need time alone to think. I just left out the fact that the women's annoying jabber was inhibiting my ability to think. Harry nods thoughtfully and looks down.

"Fair enough. What are you thinking about?" He inquires. This is a loaded question if I ever heard one, but I know I can't give Harry the answer he truly desires.

"Just about Paris, all the time we spent together. It was so great." I mindlessly babble on, producing content I think the viewers of The Bachelor will enjoy. I think back to my very first night on the show. A producer told me I was going to be set up as the 'sweet heart', whatever that means. I think I'm doing an okay job of coming across as desirable and sweet. If Astrid and the producer Luke manage to expose my past, though, my image will be shot.

"It was great. Fantastic, really." Harry says, shooting a sly wink my way. I know he is not only talking about the time we spent together on camera, but the time we spent together away from it. Although not all of it was... amazing, him and I still shared nice experiences together that may in fact be worth staying on this god-awful show for.

"I agree." I smile, and I can't help but giggle as I recall our secret rendezvous.

Or maybe they aren't so secret. Not to Luke, not to Astrid, and soon, if we're unlucky, not to the rest of the women. This thought stops me mid-giggle and I prevent myself from becoming too cheerful- Harry has still given me a lot to worry about. I cannot disregard his stupid action and ignore it as if nothing ever happened. He has put both of us in danger.

Suddenly, I don't feel like talking to Harry anymore. My feelings from this morning have returned and I want to be by myself. I need to figure out how to deal with the serious situation Harry has put us in. Alone.

I withdraw from Harry, leaning away and turning back to the bar. I sense him tense next to me, and I know he's picked up on my shift in mood. He must have whiplash from dealing with my mood swings. If only he could see the confusion even I feel for myself.

"Are you alright? You seem a little down." Harry comments. I know he wants to ask me a more direct question than this, but is unable to do so.

"I'm fine." I state, trying not to sound harsh. I know the camera's are still on me, but how can I be expected to act as if everything is fine right now when it clearly isn't?

"You're not fine. What's wrong?" Harry pushes, even though we're being filmed. I thought he might have left me alone if I dismissed him on account of the camera's being present, but he doesn't seem to be taking no for an answer. I suspect he is tired of feeling uncertainty regarding our relationship. I am, too, but I have no choice but to stay cautious. Harry has not made it easy for me to trust him.

I sigh and contemplate my options. I could lie to Harry as I always do and issue some lame excuse. I could say I'm sick, like I told the girls this morning. Or, I could tell the truth. At least a version of the truth that won't get me booted off the show. I decide I'm fed up with the lies. I got mad at Harry for lying to me, so why should I do the same?

"I have a feeling some of the other girls don't particularly like me." I try to convey my reason for being upset to Harry in the most appropriate way possible for the cameras. Obviously I can't tell him that I just feel the dislike from Astrid, but maybe this way is better. After all, I am worried the other women will find out about Harry and I and begin to hate me. Harry picks up on this, and I know he can tell I'm indirectly complaining about him placing his trust in Luke, and the affect it may have on me and the other women.

One slip up from that damn producer and I'm done for.

"Oh, I'm sure that's not true." Harry is forced to answer- there is no other consolation or explanation he can give me without being fired.

"You're right. It's probably not true." I concede. To the audience, this statement will sound genuine. To Harry, though, I've made it very clear I'm being sarcastic. He is not right. The women will not be okay with me once they discover Harry and I. The stress of the situation takes over and I cannot take any more dialogue.

"Alright, well, I'll leave you to your thoughts. It was nice to see you." Harry immediately notices that I'm in no mood to be trifled with. At least he's learned over the past month that he's known me that once I'm in a bad mood there's nothing to be done.

"Thank you." I acknowledge his effort to let me diffuse. I force myself to lean in and peck him quickly once more. I can't look completely heartless to the camera's. I figure I can pull off my rudeness as sadness at the fact that the other women hate me. In reality, I don't care much what any of them think about me. The problem is that if they hate me, the producers will not favour me any longer, and I will be booted off the show.

If my security was not dependent upon them liking me, they would all already know about Harry and I. Unfortunately, that is not possible, so I'm still resigned to sneaking around and walking on eggshells to maintain their good opinion.

I spend another half hour in solitude at the bar. The bartender has treated me well so far and completely ignored me- if I could tip him, I would. Furthermore, none of the other women, Harry, or the producers have made an appearance, and have given me time to mull over my problems- there are many, after all.

I pass my time like this for a while, but find the anxiety building within me at all the negative possibilities has made me restless- I need to get up and move before I explode.

Tentatively, I rise from my stool and decide to explore the roof. I hope I don't happen upon Harry and another woman. Even if I don't trust him right now, I still don't want to see him kissing another girl. My jealous tendencies still exist and remain very prominent, no matter how angry I am.

I decide to stroll counterclockwise and find that a proper garden lies behind the small, enclosed structure that contains the elevator and bathrooms on top of the roof. There are large fences covered in all sorts of elaborate vines. I figure it will be safe to walk through this area, although it does look awfully maze-like, and avoid Harry.

I enter and pad along quietly for a solid 10 minutes, attempting to focus on the different kinds of plants rather than the problems that litter my thoughts. However, I soon stop in my tracks. I can hear voices coming from a section of the semi-maze that I almost recognize.

I step closer and make out both a woman and a man's voice. This situation is eerily familiar to the one I encountered back in LA. I know now that the voices I heard then were Harry and Luke's. Who's conversation am I listening into now?

"You can't tell me anything?!" Quite a whiny voice seems to interject, and immediately I know it's Astrid. Oh no.

"No, I'm sorry, I can't! I promised him I wouldn't say anything." The man responds. This must be Luke- it has to be. I can't completely recognize his voice, but from the context I'm smart enough to gather what's going on.

"But you promised me! There isn't one little thing you can tell me?" Astrid pleads, and I have a sickly feeling I know exactly what she's asking.

"I didn't promise you anything. I already told you what happened between them last night and I wasn't supposed to. You can't know anymore." Luke seems to be defying Astrid. A small bubble of triumph sparks within me, not only for Luke, but for Harry. Maybe Harry really has chosen someone trustworthy to confide in.

Then again, he did tell Astrid that Harry slept in my room last night.

It's the lesser of two evils, but still unforgivable.

"What if I did something for you?" Astrid prepositions, her voice dropping lower. I want to throw up. This is leading somewhere that will not end well for me.

"Wha- What?" Luke stutters and I cringe. No! Please, don't give in!

"You tell me something about her that will help me, and I'll help you." Astrid murmurs.

"I-I can't say anything..." Luke continues to resist, but the hesitation in his voice is not a good sign. I hear a zipper being pulled down and I'm frozen. It's not like I can barge in and stop them. All I can do is stand and listen as my place on the show is put in further jeopardy.

Luke must know about my past... if Astrid knows, I have no idea what she will do with the information. No, that's not true. I know exactly what she'll do with the information. I will not be seeing anymore of Harry. Once America knows, no one will want me to pull through the next rose ceremony. Once Harry knows, he won't want me around much longer, either.

I hear shifting, and then rustling.

"Are you sure you can't tell me anything?" Astrid questions, and I know her position has changed. Is she on her knees?

"Astrid..." Luke pleads, but I know he doesn't have the will power to stay true to his promise to Harry. This is a nightmare. I try to take a step back in shock, but accidentally knock into a fence, causing a loud snap to sound out.

Both of them pause and I raise my hand to cover my mouth, ensuring they can't hear my breathing. My heart rate has significantly increased and I'm not sure what I'll do if Luke and Astrid catch me. Running now seems too dramatic, so I pray they dismiss the sound.

Another 3 seconds of silence pass, and thankfully, it seems they've deemed the noise unworthy of their attention.

"Pretty please?" Astrid continues her assault, and I hear Luke let out a low groan of pleasure. This is too much- I need to get out of here.

As quietly as possible, I step away from them and back out the way I came. My head is spinning and I feel nauseous. I precariously navigate my way back to the couches the women are all assembled around. I spot Harry sitting among them, chatting amicably, but pay him no attention. He is not something I need to be concerned with right now- I mean, besides the fact that he's the whole reason for this happening.

If he had not confided in Luke, Astrid would not know about Harry and I's 'private' outings and would feel no need to get me booted off the show. However, she does know and she seems determined to get me kicked off.

I sit quietly next to Kiana, my eyes blank as I stare off into space trying to comprehend what's just happened. I desperately wish I was hallucinating, but I know it's hopeless. Astrid is really trying to extract information about me from Luke, and by the sounds of it, Luke is not going to indulge her.

Multiple women try to start conversations with me, but I ignore them. I don't have the mental capacity to sustain a discussion. This is too much. My night is ruined- there is no way I can bounce back from this revelation.

I remain completely silent as everyone chatters around me. I can hear Harry talking faintly somewhere in the back of my mind, but don't comprehend anything he's saying. 15 minutes pass as I remain in my vegetative state, until finally I begin to come back down to reality.

I look around and notice my surroundings for the first time since I sat down. Not only do I hear the women conversing around me, but I also notice Harry staring at me with a very concerned look across his face. Once I come to, I can see him attempting to grab my attention, but I turn away. I can't stand to look at him right now.

15 more minutes pass as I continue to avoid Harry's gaze, and finally the producers give us the green light for the rose ceremony. We're herded onto risers that have been miraculously set up, and I stand placidly as Harry begins to hand out roses. I hold the rose I was given previously by Harry on our one-on-one and don't pay attention to the names called.

Usually I stay alert to make sure Tanya and Kiana are called through to stay for the next round, but I don't take note of anyone selected this time. I can't bear to make eye contact with Harry, and I don't dare turning to Astrid on my left.

The ceremony ends as 3 girls exit and I'm left standing rigidly, still in shock. The girls all gather around Harry, and I will myself to step forward to avoid looking crazy. I tune out once again, and the only thing I manage to catch Harry announcing is our next destination: Italy.

***

Sorry it's shitty, but I tried my best.

Love you all,

L