Teardrops

Were we not afraid to cry, the ashes would wash away.
That's really why we're still like this, people are. Because we're afraid to cry.
Now, I'm not saying crying is a good thing, but it isn't always bad. I cry plenty, and look where I am now; free. That's right, free.
I am free because I run and I cry and I fall. Without these things I would not be free.
Don't run, Mum tells me. Save your strength.
I do not listen to her begging, I do not give in. As long as I run and cry and fall, I am free.
Don't cry, Mum scolds me. It's not ladylike.
I don't listen to her scolding, I don't allow myself to stop; as long as I run and cry and fall, I am free.
When I trip, Mum tells me careful, don't fall.
But I cannot hear her, as the ground rushes towards me. As long as I run and cry and fall, I will be free.
I have learned all this in the few short weeks since the Gaelic cross landed in my hands. Quain has helped me some, but of course I learn from other places as well. I learn from the graffiti, from the rebels; and perhaps most importantly, I learn from myself.
In the dark days after Quain's disappearance, I didn't learn anything. I fell, I didn't learn, and I wished for death. But then the cross came, and with it came a message of hope, a message that I would be okay and that it's okay to cry.
I cried when I got that message, I cried the whole day. In school I let the salty tears roll down my cheeks, I let people stare, I let others ask if I was okay, I let teachers try to send me home. And I cried. When I did finally go home at the end of the day, everyone on the streets stared at me, and when I stepped into the house Mum dried my tears and told me that it's not ladylike to cry, and when more tears came and no one could stop them Dad came and held me and said, My dear Ailie, do not cry, Quain will find you one day ionmhainn.
I let him hold me for a while before retreating to my room, and now I look back on that day and thank the Lord above for Quain and his Gaelic cross.
And I let the teardrops fall, every day. And it washed away the ashes, and a few people came crashing into reality. One of those people was me.
And as I fell to the ground with my tears, I smiled.